Wife and I have been married 16 years, together for 20. We have 3 daughters 15, 13 and 9. I am 36 and she is 34. A year ago in May she took a job working for a physician who was going through a divorce and she became an emotional support pillar for him. I noticed almost immediately that she was distancing herself from me. At first she started inviting him and his 2 young children to our family outings which I thought was strange but didn't really put anything together as this was the first time anything of this has happened to me. She invited him to about 6 different things over the summer months from June through September. Meanwhile I start feeling more alone and alienated from her. Her overall demeanor toward me was very cold and mean. In late September I decided to check things out and looked at the text messaging record on the phone bill. I found that in July, August and September the total texts where 50, 75, 230. So there was a huge jump in September. In October again there were around 200 texts between the two of them. Near the end of October we have our first fight about this. I asked her if there was anyone else and she stated, "No, but I know who you are thinking." To me that indicates that she is aware her behavior is not appropriate. In fact since then we have gone round and round about this and other things that she KNOWS she needs to stop in order to repair our marriage, but she doesn't know if she wants to repair it. We have been going to marriage counseling since February and essentially the only thing that has improved is that for the last 8 months she has been telling me that she is no longer texting him except for work related issues. However I have known that this is a lie because I have access to view all of the texts. Even though she changed the password for the provider I have an app that lets me see everything sent back and forth. So for the last 8 months she has been lying to me telling me that she is not texting him anymore, but when she finally talked to her mother she told her to stop lying to me. Then just within the last 3 weeks she has admitted that she is still texting him.

Here is the deal.

I believe that she is in an emotional affair. Even though after literally thousands of texts there has been no sexual or flirtatious texts. The fact that she texts this man more than all of her other friends combined is a huge red flag. She texts him more than me. She is ALWAYS looking for ways to get his family and my family "together" to do something fun!! He is on her mind ALL the time. Now, I have not confronted any of these events because it would blow my ability to monitor the situation. I also have access to GPS and I know that at least up till now she has not met up with him in any way except at work, a few work lunches and some after work drinks with 5 to 10 other work friends. I know this because I have seen the texts/invites going out so I know that every time has been a whole group and not a "date" scenario. I also know that she comes straight home after these. So I do believe her when she says that nothing is going on. But that is the dilemma, she refuses to admit that she is doing anything wrong.

So after 8 months of working on this 4 months being with a marriage counselor the only improvement is that she now admits that she is texting him. But doesn't see a problem with it. She has been sneakily taking the kids to see him when she can if I am not tagging along. She complained that she feels like I follow her around to make sure she doesn't do anything. Then literally the very first time I am not able to accompany her on a weekend outing she goes and visits him.

I am at a loss because this from my view is an emotional affair but she denies it. So I am not sure how or if exposure would do anything or if she would just deny and attack me with everything she has. Any advice?

Hi, Troubled,

Welcome to Marriage Builders - I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, but you are in the right place to get help for your situation.

Your wife is clearly in love with this man and is having an affair with him. Since she is taking the kids to see him without you I would assume this is not merely an emotional affair but they are being physical together.

Have you told anyone what is going on? That is a crucial step in getting support for yourself, protecting your kids, and hastening the demise of the affair.

You need to warn your children about this man. For all you know he is a predator who is using your wife to get to them.

I would quit wasting time and money on the counselor, who clearly doesn't know anything about infidelity.

Exposure hastens the demise of the affair. Yes, she will deny, and yes she will attack you. She will be enraged because you are basically staging an intervention to end her addiction. All addicts feel this way. That means exposure is working, not that it didn't work.

Exposure is not designed to prove to your wife that she is having an affair. She already knows she is having an affair. You won't win this by convincing your wife of anything, so don't waste your time trying to prove to her that this is an affair or that this relationship is inappropriate. That is a fools' errand.

Instead you will win this by making her affair extremely difficult to carry out, primarily through exposure, and remaining the best option in life for her: her loving husband and the father of her children.

Some more details to consider, many of the texts from him are him telling her things such as.

The grass isn't greener.

Divorce sucks, don't do it.

You need to get counseling.

I'm sorry things are bad.


So, it doesn't feel like a typical affair. I definitely think that she is in love with this man. But it doesn't look reciprocal.

Which is the biggest reason I have not exposed as of yet.

Yes I have told some very close friends of mine to help support me. I have not told the kids. I was planning to tell my wife that we are not going to further pursue a "friendship" with this man and our families together. And that if I hear of her visiting him with our kids again I will be exposing to them.

I am not trying to prove to my wife that she is having an affair. What I am really trying to do is prove to myself that she is. Maybe just the fact that my gut is telling me that this is wrong is enough?

Another reason for my hesitation is Dr. Harley's recommendation regarding exposure when there is uncertainty. Where he recommends to gather evidence that would convince a jury. I don't know that I have that sort of evidence.

That all sounds like a typical affair to me. He's doing all the things that would cause a woman to fall in love with him. Following the textbook for stealing an unhappy married woman.

NONONONO!!!!!!

DO NOT threaten to expose.

That would be one of the biggest mistakes you could possibly make.

She would immediately start spinning the story to them and everybody.

DO NOT threaten to expose.

Noted, and thank you Markos.

So should I just tell her point blank that the friendship with our family is over and we will not be pursuing any further outings with him and his family? And just leave it at that without any threat to expose?

Agreed with Markos, this is typical affair babble and exactly what happened to me. She'll feel that he's safe and that he is watching out for her best interests... I'm sure all of these messages were followed by words of affirmation, like she's so strong to do this, etc.

Yuck.

Sorry, but this looks like an emotional affair, if not more...

The OM did this to my WW, too. "You're so strong", "you should try to work it out", "we do everything for our kids", "I don't know how you put up with it for so long", etc. All the while he continues in a sleazy EA & PA with my wife. He knew which buttons to push with my WW (the ENs of intimate conversation, admiration, family commitment) to set the hook in her.

Thank you for all of your insights, my only hang up right now is what I added to my edited response above.

Another reason for my hesitation is Dr. Harley's recommendation regarding exposure when there is uncertainty. Where he recommends to gather evidence that would convince a jury. I don't know that I have that sort of evidence.

I feel that this is enough for myself, but may not be enough to convince a jury as is recommended.

We have a counseling session tomorrow and my wife supposedly has had a meeting with the OM telling him that she has been lying to me and using him to "get back at me." Her words not mine. I would like to hear her out on this and make a plan to expose from that conversation. I will not tell her or the counselor any of the plan to do this.

It normally takes a day or two to get evidence, so if you have no evidence, I would start there and then expose. Has your wife admitted the affair? If so, that is evidence that would convince a jury.

I would expose the affair FIRST and then tell her the family friendship is over.

Marriage counseling is destructive to marriages for many reasons. First off, they have no earthly idea how to save a marriage and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. They are downright destructive when there is an affair because they do not understand the dynamic of affairs and tend to validate foggy, wayward thinking. Almost every recovered marriage on this forum has tried marriage counseling and it made the problem worse, not better.

The only things she has admitted is that she is sorry that she was lying to me about not texting him. She still maintains that nothing is going on other than he is just a good friend. She is trying to invite him to do things with our family all, the, time. Even though she knows that I disapprove of it. All I really have to go on is her general horrible treatment of me and her texting him very frequently.

Basically my story is very much like anonymityplease "any chance" but I don't have solid proof of affair.

How can you get evidence? It's obvious she is very emotionally attached to him and he is allowing it. Are you able to read the content of the texts? Does she know you are reading them?

This counselor has done her job very well and definitely sees what the problems are. She has not validated my wife's poor behavior in the slightest. In fact my wife doesn't want to go any more because the counselor is telling her of the many things that she knows she needs to do in order to fix the marriage but she just doesn't know if she wants to or not.

That being said, I think we have run our course with the counselor because if my wife doesn't want to put in the effort. . . Then she can't help us.

I can read the content, she does not know that I am reading them.

Yes she is very emotionally attached to him and he is allowing it.

About the strongest evidence I have is that no married woman should be texting with another man 200~ times per month. Regardless of the content.

But how has the counseling helped? IS the counselor urging your wife to end her affair? How is that being addressed? What is her plan to end the affair?

Counseling never works when there is an affair, so the unless the focus is 100% on ending the affair, it is big distraction. Counseling can only help [if the MC has a plan of recovery, which most do not] if there is not an affair.

Very true, yes the counselor has been urging my wife to end her affair. Last session the counselor told her that she would have to make some drastic changes in order to begin fixing our marriage. That is one of the reasons my wife doesn't want to go. Right now I think my wife is just hanging out because she can't afford to leave. Of course this puts me in a state of limbo. I have had one session by myself with this counselor and she stated to me that it doesn't matter how much better we can communicate, until this issue gets resolved our marriage will not improve. So that has been the focus of our last 4 sessions over the last 2 months.

I have absolutely no issue with the entire Exposure method. The only thing I am not sure on is if I have enough evidence. If I could find the "smoking gun" I would expose tonight. I will purchase a VAR even though she rarely calls him, maybe 2 times a month. That will get me Texting, Voice Calls and GPS. None of which she knows I have.

You will never have a chance of recovering your marriage if your wife works for the OM. The affair will never end with continued contact, with any contact. She has to quit.