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I have been married for 20 years with its ups and downs. With my wife having multiple affairs and me putting the family through financial hardship with loosing multiple jobs.

Three years ago we could no longer afford our house, so my wife and kids lived with her mother until I straightened things out. During that time she started another affair and told me we were done. I got another high paying job, a new house, and a new car and my wife was willing to give our marriage another shot. Without ever really taking accountability to her affair.

After reading his needs, her needs, I tried very hard to meet her emotional needs but saw little effort from her. This frustrated me, so I kept trying. I then found out she was having lunch with a male coworker and never told me about it. I later caught them together at our private beach that he was not a member of. I was upset. But I had no definitive proof since what I had was circumstantial. She agreed to see a marriage counselor and they told me it was circumstantial as well, and that I need to let it go. This episode caused my numbers to go down at work and they had to let me go. Once again being out of work.

Six months later, being out of work but comng close to a new job. She tells me she wants out. Within two weeks she had a lawyer, wants a fast track divorce, and was moving to a new house. I offered to leave because I did not want the kids to go through the trauma of moving again.

When I moved out I told her that I did not want the divorce and that our marriage has survived much worse and there is no reason to throw the towel in now. She still wanted the divorce and I told her that we need to cease communications because I need to focus on upcoming job interviews and to get my head on straight.

I know it sounds like gibberish , but that's my story....my question is did I implement plan b wrong?


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All essential info is found here:
Surviving an Affair - Start Here First

Men, do not leave your home!

A short answer to your question: for women it is advised to do a maximum of 3 weeks in plan A before they go into plan B. Men can last longer, six months is recommended and if you can keep it up, even longer.
So You need to go back to your home and go into plan A.

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
All essential info is found here:
Surviving an Affair - Start Here First

Men, do not leave your home!

A short answer to your question: for women it is advised to do a maximum of 3 weeks in plan A before they go into plan B. Men can last longer, six months is recommended and if you can keep it up, even longer.
So You need to go back to your home and go into plan A.

I can't move back in, we already signed paperwork for me to leave the house without considering it abandonment ..

I have done plan A for over a year, the only thing I failed on was loosing my job again


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Originally Posted by Nobitterness
I know it sounds like gibberish , but that's my story....my question is did I implement plan b wrong?

Hi nobitterness, welcome to Marriage Builders. You did the right thing in going into Plan B under the circumstances. I would also strongly suggest you aggressively go after the divorce so you can try to get a good settlement while she is fogged out. The time for Plan A is well over.

Have you considered getting on anti-depressants to carry you through?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Have you exposed her affair <s?> Has the divorce agreement been signed?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I think she is still in he fog

I have not exposed latest affair since it is only circumstantial evidence

We only signed non abandonment papers so I could leave the house

Should I not let plan b work before going through with the divorce


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Originally Posted by Nobitterness
Should I not let plan b work before going through with the divorce

I very much agree you should let Plan B work while you get divorced. Don't wait to get divorced. You are going to get divorced no matter what, best to do it while she is fogged out and you can get an advantage..



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Nobitterness
Should I not let plan b work before going through with the divorce

Plan B is not intended to save your marriage. It will not save your marriage and is not intended to do any such thing. The purpose of Plan B is to protect your mental health, so it is working.

The only hope you have of ever having a marriage with this woman is if she makes a radical change in her lifestyle and agrees to affair proof your marriage and commit 100% to recovery. That is never going to happen, wouldn't you agree?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Nobitterness
I then found out she was having lunch with a male coworker and never told me about it. I later caught them together at our private beach that he was not a member of.
Have you checked her online phone records to see if there are a lot of calls/texts with this OM? Did you have any spyware on any of her devices? Do you know if this OM is married?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Nobitterness
I then found out she was having lunch with a male coworker and never told me about it. I later caught them together at our private beach that he was not a member of.
Have you checked her online phone records to see if there are a lot of calls/texts with this OM? Did you have any spyware on any of her devices? Do you know if this OM is married?

I have caught her over the years using several different tactics. The problem now, is that she now knows hem and covers her tracks much better this time around.

The OM is married



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Nobitterness
Should I not let plan b work before going through with the divorce

Plan B is not intended to save your marriage. It will not save your marriage and is not intended to do any such thing. The purpose of Plan B is to protect your mental health, so it is working.

The only hope you have of ever having a marriage with this woman is if she makes a radical change in her lifestyle and agrees to affair proof your marriage and commit 100% to recovery. That is never going to happen, wouldn't you agree?

I do agree she needs to make a radical change, I can no longer handle the mental stress

But I was under the impression that plan B was another boundary to possibly achieve that radical change ...am I wrong?


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Your handle is "no bitterness" and on someone else's thread you wrote that you are madly in love with your WW who has no regard for you and regularly tosses you out like child bored with an old toy.

Marriage at all costs is a broken road that you don't have to travel down. How many more years of your life will you give to this futile pursuit? Time to move forward and not look back lest you should turn into a pillar of salt.

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Originally Posted by Justthe3ofus
Your handle is "no bitterness" and on someone else's thread you wrote that you are madly in love with your WW who has no regard for you and regularly tosses you out like child bored with an old toy.

Marriage at all costs is a broken road that you don't have to travel down. How many more years of your life will you give to this futile pursuit? Time to move forward and not look back lest you should turn into a pillar of salt.

I agree, I just thought I wait till divorce is final then move on. I need that time to work on my issues anyway

Last edited by Nobitterness; 05/08/17 03:40 AM.

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Yes, your personal recovery is a process that takes time. I'm sorry you're going through it. No contact will be a big help.

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Originally Posted by Nobitterness
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Nobitterness
Should I not let plan b work before going through with the divorce

Plan B is not intended to save your marriage. It will not save your marriage and is not intended to do any such thing. The purpose of Plan B is to protect your mental health, so it is working.

The only hope you have of ever having a marriage with this woman is if she makes a radical change in her lifestyle and agrees to affair proof your marriage and commit 100% to recovery. That is never going to happen, wouldn't you agree?

I do agree she needs to make a radical change, I can no longer handle the mental stress

But I was under the impression that plan B was another boundary to possibly achieve that radical change ...am I wrong?

The only purpose of Plan B is to protect you from the mental and physical fallout. It is not going to bring her back. And you need to be asking yourself why you would want her back if your future with her is one of needless misery from serial cheating. That is not the type of marriage we save here. This is not a marriage at all cost website.

The best thing you can do is go aggressively after the divorce so you can get the best settlement while she is in a fog. You should obtain legal protection so you are not harmed any further.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Nobitterness
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Nobitterness
Should I not let plan b work before going through with the divorce

Plan B is not intended to save your marriage. It will not save your marriage and is not intended to do any such thing. The purpose of Plan B is to protect your mental health, so it is working.

The only hope you have of ever having a marriage with this woman is if she makes a radical change in her lifestyle and agrees to affair proof your marriage and commit 100% to recovery. That is never going to happen, wouldn't you agree?

I do agree she needs to make a radical change, I can no longer handle the mental stress

But I was under the impression that plan B was another boundary to possibly achieve that radical change ...am I wrong?

The only purpose of Plan B is to protect you from the mental and physical fallout. It is not going to bring her back. And you need to be asking yourself why you would want her back if your future with her is one of needless misery from serial cheating. That is not the type of marriage we save here. This is not a marriage at all cost website.

The best thing you can do is go aggressively after the divorce so you can get the best settlement while she is in a fog. You should obtain legal protection so you are not harmed any further.

That's interesting

That conflicts with what I read in his need her needs, as well with my conversation with Harley's office in the past

Plan B also worked for me in the past to end one of my wife's past affairs

But I do agree that I have to ask myself if I really want to go through this again.



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Originally Posted by Nobitterness
Plan B also worked for me in the past to end one of my wife's past affairs

But I do agree that I have to ask myself if I really want to go through this again.

Even if you going into Plan B did end this affair, obviously it is not enough. You know this by experience, having been through this before and ending up here again. If it is not followed by your WW committing to a full recovery program and a complete overhaul of her wayward lifestyle, it will happen again, and again, and again.

I think you have to ask yourself what your end goal is? Is it to end one of many affairs? If so are you prepared to play this game with her many more times? Or is it to have an affair proofed recovered marriage? If it is the latter, nothing other than her complete commitment to affair proofing your marriage will work, and I do not believe she will be willing to do this. Do you?

It does not make sense that a Plan B ended her previous affair. Women in general need to be woo'd back into the marriage through a strong Plan A. Plan B is the opposite of that. I suspect her last affair died a natural death or the OM dumped her.

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Originally Posted by Nobitterness
That's interesting

That conflicts with what I read in his need her needs, as well with my conversation with Harley's office in the past

Plan B also worked for me in the past to end one of my wife's past affairs

But I do agree that I have to ask myself if I really want to go through this again.

I think you might have misunderstood the purpose of plan B. Dr Harley has always been very clear the purpose is not to save a marriage. [it doesn't] Nor does it end an affair. Plan B will protect the emotions of the BS while the affair crumbles, but it is does not "end an affair," per se.

That being said, it can sometimes motivate a MALE to try and save a marriage, but that approach does not work with a woman. [see How to Call it Quits]

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Plan B is not designed to send a message to your husband, or to let him think about how much he'll miss you after a divorce. It is designed to protect you from the emotional fallout of your husband's affair. It's a risky move, because it often leads to divorce. But the alternatives are even worse. If you don't go to plan B, when it's all over, you'd be an emotional basketcase."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I think you need to,at the very least to, contact the OM's BW with the information you do have.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Nobitterness
That conflicts with what I read in his need her needs, as well with my conversation with Harley's office in the past

Plan B also worked for me in the past to end one of my wife's past affairs

But I do agree that I have to ask myself if I really want to go through this again.
There is a great deal of your history that you have not told us about.

When did you have a "conversation with Harley's office in the past"? What was going on in the marriage when you had the conversation? Did you speak to Steve, or to Jennifer? What was their advice?

How did plan B end "one of your wife's past affairs"? Again, what was going on in the affair? How did you execute Plan B - did you move out? How long did Plan B last? How did your wife prove to you that the affair was over? When was this?

How many affairs has she had?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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