Ive been with my husband for 17 years. We have 2 daughters from previous marriages. They were 3 and 4 when we started dating. They are now 21 and 20. We have a 13 year old son together.

Things weren't easy but we made it work. My step daughter has had a passive animosity toward me for most of that time. Her mom didn't help matters and while we were always civil in person, there were many times when she would call to yell about something or other often blaming me. Typical. For the most part I continued to cook, clean and suck it up etc. buy presents, stuff stockings, hold birthday parties, make favorite meals. She threw the presents away (and small clothing; bras and underwear) and took the clothes to her moms which went to goodwill.

Our girls were friends but eventually drifted apart having an odd passive relationship in high school when they were together through every other weekend. There was some jealousy and my step daughter got a boyfriend and gave up most of her friends (they are still together). Sometimes if they were together long enough they would enjoy each other again playing video games etc.

When my step daughter got older she began randomly taking things. Mostly my things. Occasionally a brand new pair of jeans from my daughter etc. Of mine she took CDS, random medications (oxcodones), makeup, my lighters and cigarettes (i have since quit), my jackets and sweaters never returning (her mom would give to Goodwill right away), and who knows what else. She denied it all, though we once recovered a batch of my things at her moms house. Her mom blamed me, her dad never really addressed it.

PART II

The girls went to college and I thought the worst was over!

While in college and away from her boyfriend more frequently. My step daughter developed odd health issues. She has a P.O.T.S diagnosis. Real issues (?) but also hypochondria, attention seeking symptoms. 2-3 E.R. trips in a row each time ending in MRIS, cat scans and nothing docs can find. Classic anxiety symptoms... and her mom, dad call each other and her and the boyfriend and sometimes even his mom all rally with drama. I can't get into it. I have suggested to my husband that they try another route. I am met with bitter opposition by my husband.

2 years ago we went on a trip as a family to Costa Rica. 2 days before she hurt her ankle. I suggested she not go. I was assured by her mom that she would be fine. No doctor, no X-rays she spends 11 days with store bought boot cast and crutches. Drama ensues. She missed zip lining and other fun activities. Eventually myself, daughter and sometimes son stopped waiting for her... walking ahead to stores, or going to the hotel. Leaving ahead to the beach. And not much empathy. Things got ugly.

2 years passed and things went back to passive. Able to have dinner out. Random phone calls asking for help, some laughs. Passible.

PART III

November after a fun, friendly and functional family trip to San Fran for Thanksgiving to my husbands family house... upon return she made her way up to my bathroom and took a box of hair color I had recently bought. She denies it. Both me and my husband know it for a fact. Her mom called us yelling about the accusation. She showed up with that new hair color a week later. If she had asked for it, my husband would have ran right out and bought it for her as he always has. (spoiled)

PRESENT DAY
21st Birthday in July
My step daughter is having a 21st birthday bash in Las Vegas. Her mom, her boyfriend, her aunt and uncle, cousin, cousins boyfriend, and my husband are all invited. BUT I am not. He is going for the weekend. I am furious! with my husband. I do not think he should be condoning this behavior. This sets a horrible precedent for everything from this day forward. Everything is going to be screwed up. Exclusion will be the norm. How will fathers day go, his birthday dinner? His moms yearly trip for baseball... am I invited? I am at a total loss. Not to mention how inappropriate for him to be with his ex wife, the only two without partners in Vegas.

I haven't in slept in a month. I shake every time I think about it. This couldn't be any more wrong in my heart. I have tried to make sense of this. I have tried to make it ok in my head. I cannot make peace with it.

My husband won't talk to me about it. I am on 2 different anti anxiety meds with 2 separate counselors. One marriage counselor and the other mine.

I am very familiar with Marriage Builders. We have referred to many times. I know what Dr Harley says about stepfamilies. We made it 17 years, i thought we made it... until now. I know this definitely violates the policy of enthusiastic agreement and probably many others. Like yanking the entire love bank out from under me.

Please any advice, thoughts anything appreciated. I hate to say but I don't feel the marriage will last much past this event.

Sorry this is so long. #desperate

I have been the fall guy for all things wrong with my husband, his ex wife their unresolved divorce and the step daughters issues.

Have you read through this thread and listened to the radio clips? Blended Families

I have read a lot of Dr Harleys blended family. - doomed. I haven't listened to the radio clips. Thank you

"Blended Family with 7 kids between us" Oi!

Does your H believe in the POJA? Do you use it in your marriage?

He did read and even recite some things from MB years ago when he had a beef with me. He wouldn't now, because he won't have anything to do with something or anyone that goes against his plan to go to Vegas.

What about writing Dr. Harley on the radio show?

And I agree with you that your H should not be going on this trip where he will be with his ex.

How short does it have to be? Sigh. I have too much to say right now.

My husband says I make it sound bad when I say he is going on a trip with his ex wife and her family. He is "celebrating his daughters 21st birthday"

It doesn't have to be short. If they need more information they will ask you for it. If you wanted you could be a caller and talk to Joyce and Dr. Harley.

Has your H always kept in contact with his ex? Did he ever practice parallel parenting? Do you keep in contact with your DD20's dad?

Can you write in without being on the show?
This site needs a Like button.

Yes you can. You can write to them and they will read your question and answer it on the radio show and Joyce will send you a link to the show when it has been answered.

Define parallel parenting.

Yeah they co parented well. She (ex wife) was often angry. And when there was a disagreement she blamed me and they stayed friends. They don't always keep the topic about their daughter.

My ex and I didn't do well after he remarried. She was 7. Before things were fine. His wife took over trying to get out of child support and get 100% custody. My daughter didn't want to go to his house and they left town. When he came back things got worse. A court hearing sided with my daughter. They still talk and see each other randomly but its strained.

Here Parallel Parenting

I can tell you when my H and I went NC with our exes and did parallel parenting our relationship became so much better. It removed us from the drama that a lot of exes want to keep going. I strongly recommend you both Plan B your exes and remain NC with them. A lot of affairs start with exes.

Why can't he have a party for his DD21 at your place or do something different with you and your DS13?

I suggested celebrating with her here on her actual birthday and skip vegas. Later he said he has a idea that would make everyone happy... to celebrate here and not go to vegas. But then he said he was going to Vegas anyways.

Our marriage counselor suggested I go too and just not partake in the birthday events. My husband said no because he doesn't want me calling and asking where he is.

Also, he initially said he just wanted to go to the birthday dinner there but has since said he's not going for one night (with the are you crazy? tone).

Believe me I have suggested many things to no avail. And he seems to meet my devastation with more determination. He won't talk about it all. I don't even now if he has tickets or anything.

Stonewalling is the norm.

However he has told his side of the story (to friends and family), everyone thinks I am the issue and crazy for not wanting him to go celebrate with is daughter.

This just makes me sad. Waiting for the demise that hasn't happened yet.

How did you and your husband meet? Were either of you still married at the time?