Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 170
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 170
I caught an older topic by Boppos97 where there was a discussion on "soulmates". Personally, I'm SICK of hearing this word tossed around by people, esp. by WS's trying to justify their A. I think I first heard the term "soulmate" expressed by my girlfriend when she was 22, and in love with her fiance/first-time love...10 years later after she dumped H for some guy she'd known for 3 months at a temp. job, this 28-year-old Calvin Klein model was suddenly her new "soulmate" and H was suddenly "verbally abusive". 3 years later she is D...and with neither one of them, H or homewrecker boyfriend. Duh.

I believe that soulmates can exist, but it seems that folks out there believe that a soulmate means someone whom, once you meet, you are destined to be with forever and that no one else will ever meet/match up/do. I don't believe this to be true. I don't believe that we are necessarily "meant to be" with the ones we are convinced are our soulmates. For instance, when I was 23, my very best friend and soulmate, Todd, was gay, and we both knew (his mother later confirmed that he felt the same) that if that hadn't been the case, we would have married someday. But I married another (not someone I would consider my soulmate), and a year later, Todd passed away. So, although Todd and I were "soulmates", our union was not meant to be. (But I am thrilled to report, that a year before he died, Todd accepted Christ as his Savior and I'll get to see him again someday!).

So, yeah, soulmates are out there, but let's not over-romanticize our destinies with them.

Anyone else who wants to put in their two cents on the topic, please do so....


Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,634
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,634
I think a soulmate is anyone, that for even a brief moment, knows exactly what you are feeling, accepts you, celebrates you....even if they don't agree with you. And, this is the spark that seems to ignite so many EA's. But it is not exclusive to affairs...nor does it always have to be romantic.

And can be either sex. I had a girlfriend in college..we knew what each other was thinking before we said a word. As we grew older, moved away, we would only get to talk on the phone maybe every year or so..and it would be just like we had seen each other earlier in the day. We didn't always agree...but always understood.

I had an elderly man who was my patient early in my career (yes, they had penicillin then) that I took care of for the last 4 weeks of his life. I don't know why we "clicked", why this friendship became a pairing of the souls so quickly and deeply, but it did. We were soulmates.

So, the soulmate word doesn't bother me..even though I wonder if it can ever be adequately explained or understood.
T


Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 538
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 538
I agree that a "soulmate" is someone with a deep empathy and acceptance and that it does not have to be romantic. I think it is a lovely concept but I am still sick, sick, sick of that word.

It has become an excuse for anyone who behaves badly in a relationship, as when saying the OP is a "soulmate" and therefore they have no choice but to be with that person. Almost all the time it is just infatuation and projecting a lot of unrealistic and romanticized ideals onto the OP.


Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 671
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 671
HsingMom- I wholeheartedly agree. It makes me want to puke, if a person wants a "soulmate" follow the Harley principles of marriage building and find those """FEELINGS""". Whatever happened to the word 'commitment'. I think that to allow someone to become your soulmate you need to drop your guard around that person and let them into that inner part of you called emotion.

just my 2 cents
knight


Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 1,295
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 1,295
I posted on this awhile back as my H seemed to be using it as an excuse to not work on the marriage, wondering whether we are soulmates or not. With Conqueror's help, I reframed some of my ideas into a non-LBing letter which I never did give to him but verbally addressed some of the issues. I may try to find my thread and link it here. There were lots of good comments.

Also, Oprah's magazine had an article shooting down soul mates.

I have mixed feelings about this term. I think my H used to think it meant "alike" and we aren't so alike. All I know is that my H and I were absolutely drawn to each other and still are. We tolerated things in each other that would have never flown with others. There is something special about us together that just fits. That is why this marriage is so difficult to walk away from.

My H asked me last week if I would be his soul mate. This showed that he felt it was a conscious decision to be one's soul mate and that he wanted us to make that decision. I think you can decide to intertwine yourself with another soul.

Ok the girls are desperate for peeled carrots so I need to go. I will check in on this and try to finish my thought.


Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 164
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 164
I agree with you. Although I have fallen in the trap of believing I had found a soulmate. The online A was so deceptive. The distance allowed paradoxically for more intimacy as there was little to no risk with a stranger. The more I was willing to share about my innermost feelings, the more attached I grew to this "soulmate" and the more dependent and addicted I felt to his "understanding and knowing" me. If you've seen the movie Moonstruck (I think, with Cher) it's about having no boundaries in a way. When you feel SO close to someone, it's just not healthy, because there is no boundary where you end and he begins. This is simply unhealthy. I was so vulnerable to wanting desperately a "soulmate" because I just couldn't have my emotional needs met in the marriage. I worked hard to express my needs, and dragged H to therapy, but nothing changed. Not wanting to end the marriage, feeling too depressed and hurt to keep the status quo, it was too easy for me to believe that the first guy who listened to me and told me I was "wonderful" and "interesting" etc was none less than my soulmate. This could have cost me a LOT! How delusional I was, I was ready to give up a very good man who cares about me and loves me, a home that we worked for so hard, a career I worked for so hard, and a family for my beautiful child who adores her dad. Soulmate!!

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 510
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 510
If there is such a thing as "soulmate" I think it is someone who comes into our lives to teach us a lesson we need to learn. It can be anybody.

Who it is NOT is the person a spouse cheats with. That FOG infatuation mind game stuff is not a soulmate. I HATE this word anyway. WS's use it so casually to justify their behavior, when all they are doing is running away from themselves & reality and NOT learning any lessons! I hope the poop hits the fan for many WS soon!! The OP is NOT their "soulmate", only the manipulative selfish 'cheater-in-arms".


Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
quote:
Originally posted by bravewarrior:
The online A was so deceptive. The distance allowed paradoxically for more intimacy as there was little to no risk with a stranger. The more I was willing to share about my innermost feelings, the more attached I grew to this "soulmate" and the more dependent and addicted I felt to his "understanding and knowing" me. When you feel SO close to someone, it's just not healthy, because there is no boundary where you end and he begins. This is simply unhealthy. I was so vulnerable to wanting desperately a "soulmate" because I just couldn't have my emotional needs met in the marriage. It was too easy for me to believe that the first guy who listened to me and told me I was "wonderful" and "interesting" etc was none less than my soulmate. This could have cost me a LOT! How delusional I was!!

Bravewarrior,

THANK YOU so much for your very accurate and descriptive analysis of what "soulmate" really means to the WS.

I found it informative, and an insightful look into the mind of the "fogged one" during the growth of A. It IS textbook.

Thanks again!

God Bless your recovery.


Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 967
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 967
Like you, I am SICK of the term being used as justification for affairs. It's a bunch of b.s. in my opinion. My H would have also sworn that his OW was his 'soulmate' the one he was destined to be with, etc. But now looking back, he says he didn't even love her. It was 100% infatuation and he was in the middle of depression and trying to find happiness outside of himself (which never works by the way). It's amazing the stuff a WS can find to make their A seem acceptable. But it never is!

Joined: May 2000
Posts: 3,631
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 3,631
Soulmate...a very overused term for someone who seems to validate your worth.

I'm sure that we "soul touch" all the time on some level with other people, short and longeterm, male and female as Twyla so smartly pointed out. There are moments in time where we just connect. We are admired, understood, validated. And worthy of all of it because someone else sees it, too.

But like, say, um, an orgasm, I don't think it's a longlasting way to be. Or supposed to be. A state that can't
be maintained continually, maybe just frequently. And not without at least some effort and nurturing put into it!

But to think there is someone out there that will think you're wonderful 100% of the time, without any effort on your part...and despite whatever LB de jour you grumpily served up that day, despite selfish behaviors (more destructive to a relatioinship than any dramatic event or crisis!). I think it's delusional.

To believe someone else is your soulmate is the ultimate in narcissism. And I mean that in an unhealthy way.

Love isn't 100% unconditional. Real loving long-term relationships are a mixture of both conditional and unconditional love, acceptance and admiration. Despite imperfections.

Anyone who says they've "found their soulmate" is talking more about themselves than the other person. They're looking for someone outside themselves to "complete" them. To reflect their "romantic perfection" back at them. Without an OP, they can't see their own worth.

Unhappily married people look outside of their marriages for their "soulmates" all the time...maybe going from one A to another. Thinking they've found their soulmate...then when things go sour, realizing they haven't...they move onto the next...and become "serial" about it.

In the story in the Wizard of Oz, everyone's looking for their missing brain, courage, heart, home (add "soulmate" here!), needing someone (the ever elusive Oz, to give it to them) only to find out they were "complete" all along...if only they'd looked inward.

I no longer believe in soulmates. Just in someone I choose to soul touch, and grow with, for the rest of my life.


Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 1,208
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 1,208
Funny, WS's XOW (stated soulmate) has found another lover (don't know if they have progressed to "soulmate" yet, but at least she has someone else and is now not interested in my H. They are living together at her apt. I hope he keeps her and doesn't let her onto the streets to prowl out someone else's H. Dont' know if her new "love" a male this time....has been females prior to my H, was/is married...Hope not. So much for soulmates, but found out H is still pining away after her. I'm disgusted.
So much for "soulmates".

[ June 16, 2002: Message edited by: Mikkey ]


Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 362
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 362
Hope I don't offend anyone with this - I understand when a WS talks of finding a "soulmate" in another it can be devastating. But, once again, my story is different because my FWH never claimed to be in love with the OW. So that said, I have a different outlook on it.

I believe that God brought my H and I together through a series of circumstances and intended for us to be that way through all time. I think we are soulmates, because our "souls" will continue to be together beyond this world, as God intended for us. I do not believe that God would ever intend for someone to find their soulmate by betraying their spouse, therefore, to use that word when describing their attraction to the OP is just another horribly twisted viewpoint on the part of the WS.

Although I believe God meant for my FWH and I to be together that does not relieve us of the responsibility of working on our M and ourselves in order to be the best spouse we can be. In fact it puts more of a burden on us to try to tread the path God wants for us. I do not judge those who have not been able to walk that path - my FWH and have certainly done our share of straying from it. But now, with God's help, we are working on being the couple we are CAPABLE of being and SHOULD be.

JMHO on this subject.


Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 279
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 279
**BUMP**

Interesting Topic of discussion


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 16 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,551
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5