Just as things start to improve I go and do some major LBing. It has been 9 months and WS is really trying now, even says that OP was the worse mistake of her life. The problem now is me. Everytime we disagree on something I use what she and OP did as a comparision. For example if I want sex and she doesn't I remind her that with OP she was physically romantic 3 times in one week. If I ask her to go walking with me and she says no, her normal response before and after A, I remind her that she would walk with OP almost every evening. I could go on and on but I am sure ya'll get the idea. I know we have to forgive and forget but I can't forget, need help before I throw it away with my stupidity.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Are you and your spouse in counseling? Do you discuss the affair with spouse? What u r feeling and doing is normal, but they say it isn't good as you know. U may be making it easy for her to think good thoughts about her affair because your outbursts maybe pushing her away. U want to punish her and make her feel guilty. I was like that also. But i realized no matter how much i wanted spouse to hurt or feel guilty it wasn't going to happen the way i wanted it to happen. I wanted spouse on knees begging in tears for my forgiveness, to KNOW what they did was so awful no other pain compares. But i have finally learned that this fantasy i have of spouses reactions to my outburst and my throwing it up in his face was not going to happen. I think they only feel guilt when we are Plan A'ing them and then the guilt sinks in of HOW COULD THEY HAVE DESTROYED SO MUCH!

Healing,<P>I held on to some anger and fear till about 9 months into the recovery. My H was trying really hard. I was holding back because of the thoughts and feelings I had let linger. I made a conscious decision that if I really wanted this to work that I would have to LET IT GO. I chose to jump in. I am glad I did. Things haven't been this good in a long time. She's finally saying the things you wanted to hear. She finally is where you wanted her. You have to choose to be a part of that. If you don't, it could be a major stumbling block. Go to a counselor if you must.<BR>Do not throw the A in her face everytime you dont get what you want. You are beating her down. We should lift each other up. <BR>Work on your issues together. Don't compare to anybodyelse. Suggest to her that you are willing to try things that she likes and you are asking her to join you inactivities that you enjoy.<P>Keep working!<BR>cleo

Thank You for the advice. The answers always sound so simple it's putting them into practice that is the hardest thing. We have never been to counseling and WS will not go. WS has asked for forgiveness and really is sorry for the A and the pain she inflicted on all. I know she loves me for no matter what I say at this time she says she is committed to making this work and won't stop fighting.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC