Hi all, <BR>haven't heard from me for some time, but now I'm here again - angry, sad, and ready to throw the towel. I just had it enough!<P>For those who doesn't know: H's A started March 00 (to my knowledge), D day late May 00. H wanted to move out, but as he said, couldn't imagine life without us (me and D), waffled some six weeks, then attempted suicide end July, ended up in hospital for one month, then moved out in BIL's appartment. We've been separated till February 01. For all that time he kept firm daily contact with OW (co-worker, he was her superior), although not moved in with her. <P>He is still in daily contact with her and refuses to stop it, no matter what. OK, in one hand I can understand it's not easy to turn your back to person most probably terminally ill (she has stage 3 ovarian cancer, already passed 6 chemotherapies and pretty radical surgery), but if I only mention it, he gets mad, accuses, fights back, refuses to talk, attacks me verbally... <P>He keep telling me "But I'm back home, it was my conscious decision, I turned back because of you and D, and didn't regret for a single second, I'm happy here .... what a h*ll you want from me, I feel like anything I do is not enough for you, like I'm permanently under mycroscope! Don't you see I'm more here for you and D, physically and emotionally than I have ever been in last 5 years?!"<P>Frankly, I don't feel that way, although I have to admit he never forgets goodnight kiss, and shows affection. But it's so obvious he enjoys D's company much more than mine, and even doesn't hesitate to verbalise it. <P>His affection to D doesn't bother me, on the contrary. What bothers me a great deal is his readiness to leave home again if I ever confront him with "it's me or OW" choice. I've tried to talk to him, and explain that it bothers me - no blaming for what happened, no looking for repentance, I just wanted him to know it rips me inside, I can't stand it anymore, and I don't understand if he knows well it bothers me and if this family is really so important to him - why on Earth he doesn't stop seeing her?! This way, I feel OW is still more important to him, and I can't find strenght to get over it and work on our marriage, althouh, I'm really trying. <P>He turned very nasty - accused me for what happened to him (suicide attempt), accuses me that it's going to be my mistake if our marriage falls apart ("It's only you who doesn't understand it: I'm home, and I have no intention to leave again, she knows it, I know it, everybody else understands it, only you don't accept it! For God's sake, a woman is ill, don't you understand it?? When I came back, I told you honestly I'm not going to turn my back to her - then it was OK, today it's not! How come? And, when we talk about leaving - this time we'll see who should leave!!"<P>It was not OK even then; We had very harsh conversation and I asked him - in that case, can he live knowing that I might just have it enough in two or six months and turn my back to this marriage, and he said yes. <P>He is very defensive about anything that concerns her - God forbid I ask. I really have no intention to ask, I was not interested in gory details, I in fact never asked about their affair. Just once, I mentioned, and then got lip service: "What happened between us is none of your business, only mine and hers, just as what happens between you and me is only our's business!" Yeah, right! <P>I'm trying to be nice and affectionate, but more and more I'm drifting and withdrawing, more and more turning to myself, my carreer, my D and my inner me. That's the only way I can survive now - if I try to straighten things, it leads us anywhere, no positive response froom him. And the longer it goes, the more I'm convinced I'm better off him. <P>From the outside, it looks pretty normal, we don't fight, we communicate normally, sometimes even warm, but I feel I'm faking it. I don't miss him, in fact I'm happy on my bussiness trips, alone with myself. He doesn't notice that I look better than ever, doesn't show any interest in my new look (including lingerie, hair color ... everybody says I look great!), is not much interested in sex either. When is, in most cases it looks so selfis, that I feel used. <P>I don't feel I won't be OK alone, I'm just very sad for where we stand. I've been in love with him for almost 17 years, I mean, really in love, and thought I got Bingo on life lottery having him beside me. Never, not in my worst dreams I could think this might happen to me. Not from him. <P>Where I lost it finally today? Well, his colleagu from work called our home (he was looking for her yesterday, for some work related matter) and asked do I know maybe why he was calling her ... "you know, I was worried, I thought he called me because he needs something for OW (name), oh, BTW, do you know how is she, I haven't heard from her for some time, but I was told she is very ill ... oh, poor girl, she's so lucky to have such a friend like him, he cares so much ...." (But, be sure she knows about their affair - EVERYBODY knows, and she was transferred from her workplace to another dept by vice CEO - exclusively for that!) <P>I stayed calm, but had he been close to me at that moment, I'd LB all over the place! <BR> <BR>Anyway, OW still pretends she works with him, introduce herself as his assistant, replies his business e-mails, helps him around job related ... and also asks all sorts of help/little favours from him. Obviously, he doesn't object, on the contrary encourages it, otherwise she wouldn't be with him on business related meetings, and kept on business mailing lists as his assistant - which is his responsibility to remove her name from. BTW, seh is still on sick leave, and even if she starts working, no way she could be transfered back to his dept. I seriously doubt it that his boss knows what two of them are doing. If he does, then I'm speechless. <P>I feel I'm loosing it, I have no more good will, no more strenght. I swallowed my pride, I got over all that mess, his' family accusations at my account... I was ready not to ask a single question if only he decides to committ to our family, I was ready to turn the world upside down to make it better, but I can't if I do it alone. No, not if I'm treated this way. <P><BR>I need you all, now. Any words of wisdom? <P>Adrian<P> <P>
