Rewriting History?<P>I can certainly see how these discussions can be helpful and get kind of addicting.<P>Well I have another question for you all, have any of you run into the phenomena where you WS rewrites or reinterprets your entire history together in order to justify the affair?<P>After I discovered my W's affair, she started telling all sorts of things that either didn't happen or were reinterpreted to make her into a victim and me into some kind of mind control expert who tricked her into marrying me, and who controlled and manipulated her throughout our 23 years together. In all honesty, she was the one who "proposed" to me. I certainly wasn't against the idea, but I didn't do anything like she suggests.<P>We also have 3 children 18, 17 and 14. She wanted kids very badly and I remember comforting her often during our first 5 years together. There were medical reasons that she might not be able to conceive. When each of our children were born it was such a special and intimate time for both of us. We just held the kids and kissed and hugged each other like there was no tomorrow. Now, she tells me that she just thought kids were one of those things she should do, and she wanted them so she could have an attempt at a normal life. But it never had anything to do with me or with love. Ouch!<P>There's a bunch more, but I won't belabor it with you all. I'm just wondering if any one else has run into this. BTW I've been in Plan A for 10 months with my wife, while she continued to work with the OM. Absolutely no progress, at least none that she would let me know about. The strain on the entire household got to be enormous. I was spending so much time trying to plan A my W that I wasn't being much of a Dad. And she hasn't been much of a mom for a very long time. So I asked her to take the steps necessary to never see the OM again (i.e. quit her job). She refused. So we went to Plan B and I asked her to leave. She agreed without a whimper. I think she wanted me to ask her to leave. And there's more on that I'd like your opinion about, but I should save that for another post.<P>I hope I'm doing this right. I really need some input from people who have been here. I've counseled people in this situation for a number of years, often, surprisingly, using many of the same suggestions that Dr. H has, but I never understood the depth of pain and loneliness, or the incredible feelings of being lost. It's by far worse than death. That you can wrap your mind around, but this, this is like... you all know.<P>Thanks for any input.<P>Ishmael<P>BTW - In the Hebrew Scriptures, Ishmael was the firstborn son of Abraham, by his wife's handmaid, Haggar. Abraham fathered Ishmael at Sarah's urging - an affair demanded by a spouse. I took the name because Ishmael must have felt betrayed and all alone when he was forced to leave, but God had not forgotten about him. Sorry for the Sunday school lesson, but I thought someone might be interested, and I often wonder about other's usernames.<BR>

Ishmael - you asked, "have any of you run into the phenomena where you WS rewrites or reinterprets your entire history together in order to justify the affair?"<P>You bet!! I suspect this is the NORM, rather than isolated behavior.<P>As you read more posts on this board, you'll see that the WS behavior ir remarkably predictable and consistent - down to the actual dialogue.<P>I bet you've heard the popular phrases "just friends" and "I still love you, but I'm not in love with you."<P>Am I right?<P>WAT

<B>Rewriting History?</B> <P>Very familiar WS script...<P><B> After I discovered my W's affair, she started telling all sorts of things that either didn't happen or were reinterpreted to make her into a victim and me into some kind of mind control expert who tricked her into marrying me, and who controlled and manipulated her throughout our 23 years together. In all honesty, she was the one who "proposed" to me. I certainly wasn't against the idea, but I didn't do anything like she suggests. </B><P>My H says I convinced him to get married. He didn't really want to and has been 'miserable' since day one.<P><B> We also have 3 children 18, 17 and 14. She wanted kids very badly and I remember comforting her often during our first 5 years together. There were medical reasons that she might not be able to conceive. When each of our children were born it was such a special and intimate time for both of us. We just held the kids and kissed and hugged each other like there was no tomorrow. Now, she tells me that she just thought kids were one of those things she should do, and she wanted them so she could have an attempt at a normal life. But it never had anything to do with me or with love. Ouch! </B><P>We, too, used fertility drugs...he went with me to almost every OB-GYN appt. for all three boys...now I convinced him to have kids. They are distractions...he can't get what he really wants to do done.<P>This is very familiar Ishmael. Revisionist history. As you read the posts here, you will see it. Some people say they have been taken over by aliens...I think they've been reading "Affairs for Dummies." <P><BR>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7<p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited June 13, 2001).]

Ishmael, I wish I knew where my old post were so you could read basically the exact same story!<P>Yes rewriting history is one of the most used tools - by the ws .<P>MY h created this past that never existed, and used it so much to justify the affair that for a while ended believing in it.<P>I postponed my wedding 3 times, because I really wasn't sure about leaving my country , my family, my work... you know the whole thing.<BR>I have still his letters asking me to reconsider.<BR>Yes I finally came but the point is that 3 years ago when the A happened, it seems that I was the one that was forcing the whole thing to happen and giving him no other escape but marry me LOL Even after re-reading the letters!!! GO figure where his brain went during that time.<P>Hugs<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

Thank you all.<P>Wow, I feel a bit better, although that seems a little pathetic since I feel better because I found out there were others undergoing the same Revisionist syndrome.<P>I was second guessing my memory too. Even when I had clear memories, and I knew I was right, I still wondered, "was I just remembering it the way I wanted to?" Thank goodness for letters, like you say. You know, I really wonder, if psychologists really looked at the way WS act, couldn't it be classified as some kind of mental disorder?<P>My W says, "I care, but love left a long time ago." I guess that's her version of "I love you but I'm not in love with you."<P>Now that I've started this thing I think I've got about a thousand questions... I won't post them all at once.<P>Thanks again.

There's a name for it:<P>REVISIONIST HISTORY<P>Psychologists talk about it and I think they coined this phrase.<P>Nope, you're not alone!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by StrongerInCali:<BR><B>Some people say they have been taken over by aliens...I think they've been reading "Affairs for Dummies."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I laughed so hard at this I started getting looks from co-workers. Not sure why it struck me that way, but thanks for the chuckle! <P>As to Ishmael's question about rewriting history...yep, it's standard operating procedure for the wayward spouse. There were times that I wondered whether or not I was in the same marriage my xw was describing.<P>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<BR>

Boy, my wife has become an expert fictious historian. Up until her communications with OM got out of control, she used to tell me that she was so lucky to have me and that she loved me completely. She used to say that there was nothing she wanted to change about me. Now she says I was overly obsessive with her and only gave her everything she ever wanted because it made me feel good. I saw a card to be sent to the OM the other day that says if they never met she would never have known what love was - so what was it that kept us together for 13 years and why did she tell me all the time how much she loved me? So yes - rewriting history is an amazing thing - I even think she believes it (of course I don't think I can give her full credit for authorship, I'm sure OM was an excellent editor in chief )<P>

I think the majority of WS rewrite history and they often believe their own fiction. My H did it. When my best freind had an affair she had me believing how awful her H was and he was my friend before she knew him! You should have seen the GIANT whopping lies my ex brother in law made up to his OW about him and my sister.

What amazes me, at least in my case, is how effective my WS has been in getting others to believe her Revisionist history. Her mother, who is has very orthodox Christian values (i.e. marriages are for life, the only biblical grounds for divorce is adultery, etc.) and whom I have become very close to over the last 23 years, now basically believes I'm a mental case, and her daughter is justified in wanting to leave me. It's scary. When my wife's mother's brother had an affair, my mother-in-law was appalled and came to me for advice (I'm a pastor). I told her to love the sinner and stand firm on the sin. She did that with her brother, but when it comes to me, she seems to believe everything my WS tells her about me, and forgets that she's the one who had the affair and it never occurs to her that she might have a reason to rewrite history.<P>This hurts like hell, because I have been very close to my in-laws, thinking of them like my own parents. And now, suddenly, I'm dangerous, not to be trusted, and ostracized, and I'm not the one who had the affair!<P>By the way, commenting about the OP being an editor of WS revisionism, I have an amazing example of that. Before I discovered my W's A 10 months ago, I wrote her a letter laying all of my feelings out. I had no knowledge of MB at the time, and looking at the letter now, it had a lot of blaming and LB in it. Still, it was an honest letter, very accurate, with nothing threatening in it. When I discovered my W's affair it was by discovering emails between she and her "soulmate" She showed him my letter and said, this is the kind of stuff in "ishmael's" head." She showed no signs that the letter had frightened her in any way. But he wrote back, "Babe, it scares me. If you ever feel you are in danger, you can come here for shelter." Yeah, right, I'm sure his wife would love that! Anyway, after that, she's replies, "Wow, you scared me. I didn't see that before, but I guess you are right." After that, she left to stay with her parents for a while and told them I was violent. Now, understand, she left our 3 children in my care, I've shown that letter to her sister and my pastor and a couple of other people and they can find nothing threatening about it at all. But somehow the incongruity of all this doesn't seem to get through to her or to those who want to believe her. It's frustrating and hurtful to see your WS ruin other relationships that you've spent two decades trying to build and valued very much.<P>Thanks again for this input. It's really helpful.<P>Ish

Actually, it's not only the WS that tends to "rewrite history" to meet their needs at hand.<BR>I am the WS, but it is my H, the BS, that continuously makes up little stories about our lives, our marriage, our history. All bizarre. Mostly lies, some just distorted truths. But he believes them!!! It really drives me crazy!<P>Just MHO <BR>

Oh definitely the WS re-writes the marital history! At first I thought only MY H was doing this- thank God I found this board and found out it was typical behavior of the WS! Mine told our counselor that, ' he married me because he felt he was the age where he better get married,' " that he didnt have any feelings for me after 15 yrs and 3 kids together) that we were 'incompatible from the start.' that he'd been 'out of love with me for years' etc etc! At first I would feel crushed and cry about these things as I KNEW they werent true. But my counselor told me not to take H"s words too seriously- some of it was so ludicrous I started writing it all down on a list to look at later. I think my favorite was when I asked him why he didnt kiss me or show me any physical affection for 4 mo and he said, 'Well, its as if you were demanding I go kiss the next door neighbor lady- I dont have feelings for you!" OMG- first that really hurt but how wild is that? fortunately we are in recovery at long last and very affectionate after 7 mo of NOTHING! lifeismessy