I don't really know where to start or what I want to say today I just knew that I needed to post and am seeking some support from you wonderful people here. <P>A brief background: I have been with my husband for fourteen years, married five. I love him with all of my heart and I always have. He has a drinking problem and refuses to face it and what it has done to our marriage. I have been trying to tell him for years what it was doing to us and begging him to help me save our marriage. He always refused and told me that he didn't have a problem - I did. <P>When he is sober he is the most wonderful person I have ever met. He's honest, loving, sensitive, caring and would do anything in the world for you. But when he is drunk he is something else entirely. With every sip of alcohol, that person disappears a little bit more. I was often the target of his mood swings while drinking. I was often called worthless and useless. A loser who he wished he had never married. I can't begin to tell you what years of that will do to a person. When the person you love the most in this world can hurt you like that over and over. I stayed because I loved him so much and I hoped and prayed that someday he would realize the problems that the alcohol was causing and choose me over the alcohol. That day never came. He has told me on occasion that he knows he has a problem and he is going to stop but anyone who is involved with an alcoholic knows this is often what happens but they always continue drinking.<P>I have a hard time understanding how someone can choose alcohol over the person that they love. There isn't anything that I wouldn't give up for him, including food and water if I thought it would give us another chance.<P>A year ago I made this biggest mistake of my life and got involved with someone else. I was so desperate for someone who thought I wasn't a loser to make me feel better about myself after being knocked down so many times by my husband. I know now that it was the worst thing I could have done in the situation I was in. Looking back I don't even know who that person was. She went against everything that I ever believed about myself. I would have never thought in a million years that I could have done what I did - it was so not like me. It never was a matter of not loving my husband - it was more like trying to find something to make me be able to tolerate how awful things were at home at the time because there was no doubt in my mind that I didn't want to leave him - I just wanted more strength to try and salvage our relationship on my own.<P>I couldn't have been more wrong - my husband was devestated upon discovery and has used my affair as the source of all of our problems now. He continues to drink and his drinking just makes him feel worse about my affair. He has said that he will never get over it - that I have ruined any chance we ever had.<P>We are separated now and I miss him so much it's tearing me apart. I wish I could turn back the clock and handle things differently. I wish I had been strong enough to leave then and maybe that would have made him realize how serious the problem was.<P>I've gone to a few al-anon meetings and have learned that is a place where I really belong. I know now that even if he never faces the facts of his drinking problem - I am the spouse of an alcoholic. I have all the characteristics, the pain, the guilt, the depression, the hopelessness. I am trying so hard to be strong but today I feel so lost. I want him - that's all I have ever wanted. I just wish I could find a way to get through to him. To make him see, that I will stand by him and face this problem head on and that we can make it! I know the love is there and I believe that we can get through this if only he would work with me and face the drinking issue.<P>I don't really know what I'm asking you guys for with this post - I just really needed to vent and hope that someone might have some words of inspiration for me.

{{{{{{abovewater}}}}}}}}<P>Welcome to marriage builders you have come to the right place for support. Read all the information on the site about surviving an affair if you have not yet. Look in the Q&A section to start.<P>What a very very sad story. I'm so sorry for all you have been through. Thank God I do not have first hand experience wth an alcoholic H, but I have a very close friend who's story is similar minus the affair- they are in DV proceedings now. Sorry, I'm sure that is far from encouraging for you.<P>I think there is always hope. In your case a good strongPlan A is going to be difficult, because your demand that he stop drinking is reasonable. I think a modified Plan A, trying to meet his needs, showing him sincere remorse and compassion for the pain you caused him, good honesty about your own feelings and understanding of his problem, while holding out for a good agreement before reconciling is good advice. <P>I even highly recommend you call the Harley's for help in your case in person, it is cheaper than a divorce look at it that way.<P>As a BS (betrayed spouse) myself I know first hand the pain that affairs cause. It is the most painful thing you can experience in a marriage. I know the pain and resentments you are harboring are of concern, but if you want your marriage I have to say that for the time being you focus on being just as open and sincere as you can be about accepting resposibility for the affair- laying out no blame on him, it was your bad choice, sincere acceptance of resposibility goes a long way toward recovery. Just as you would expect him to not blame you for his bad choices in drinking, right?<P>Feel free to post here often and keep us updated. My prayers are with you.<P>

Oh yea, one thing you may not understand that I hear loud and clear about what you are hearing from your H right now is that he is talking out of self protection and FEAR, and hurt, and righteous anger.<P>That does not mean that there is no chance for you, in fact it means that your not sticking by him and taking it and still trying is causing him to pull back (self protection). He wouldn't be so angry and drinking if this were not eating him alive and if he didn't love you. Think about that.<P>I did some really stupid stuff in the shock period after discovery. If I started to feel vulnerable or open to my H I would start to shake- literally. The fear is overwhelming, the pain is undescribable. But if I was screaming crying and throwing my fists what I really wanted most from my H was for him to hold me and tell me he loved me and he wasn't going anywhere. If he'd have pulled back I'd have flipped out. Sounds crazy- feels crazy- emotions are not logical- betrayal hurts I don't care what gender or problems you are or face.<P>Guys in general have a tough time expressing and introspecting on feelings to begin with so your job is all the harder to work past this. Our counselor told my H off the bat I would be angry and he would have no right to get angry back. It was good advice,it saved our marriage. Stuff to think about.<P>

Thank you so much for your reply. <P>I guess I should have told you my affair was a year ago (I've been coming here since June, 2000 and have tried to learn as much as I can about MB principles) and for ten months I did all of those things you talk of. I do take responsibility for what I did and I tried everything to rebuild trust and to let him know that I was sorrier than I have ever been in my life. <P>Another thing that would help to know is we lost my MIL last March after 14 months of cancer and I lost our first baby on Mother's Day which also helped to contribute to my state of mind in June. My husband didn't turn to me - in fact he turned away. I am in no way trying to excuse what I did I'm just trying to give more facts.<P>After ten months my husband decided that he can't get over this and that is when we separated.

Sorry ScaredInNY - I was posting while you were. I didn't pull away. He asked for the divorce and asked me to move out. I tried my hardest to make it clear that is not what I wanted but decided to leave after he insisted that I go. I would have stuck it out as long as it took. I know I deserved his anger - I just wanted some of his love too to help us through this - TOGETHER!!

I'm so sorry. Thanks for more info though. Sounds like you have done what you can. Be proud that you can say that you have done everything you know to do to save your marriage- alot of people don't. I think you have to earn a divorce. <P>Big hugs to you. Know I care.<P>There are others here who have dealt with alcholic spouses that may be able to offer you better advice there.<P>

Hi AW,<P>Sorry it took me so long to respond. I read you post earlier today but I have been having a bit of a hard time myself. Anyway, I wanted to share with you some help. Please go over to the d/d board. Since you have been here a while, I am sure you know how to search. BrambleRose over on the d/d board has posted many supporting threads with great references for those dealing with alcoholism. Some of those posts are even here on GQII. Try searching under her name. <P>When I can, I will try to search for the ones with her specific reference threads. If you want to go over to the d/d board, I am sure she can forward you some those threads. <P>Hope this helps, I will check in on you later. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Thanks Orchid for responding - I have followed your story too and I am sorry for what you have been going through as well. I have read some of BrambleRose's threads but will take your advice and search for more. I come here everyday to read in hopes that something (anything) will help! Again thank you for reaching out to me in your own time of need. Take care of yourself.