Berry--how can you take much more? do you have children?<BR>I know the anguish of waiting all night for a spouse to come home...I can't sleep and my heart races and you worry whether your spouse is dead or alive. Before the A, I feared a car accident resulting in death or an affair. Well we have had one tragic alcohol related accident and now the affair....so I wonder why I worry and still care. <P>I think the hardest part for me is the undecisiveness. He can't make a decision and cannot decide to leave. He does not seem to realize the major consequences of his actions/choices and then he can not do anything to change. We do the same as you guys do---we talk about it, he is very remorseful and then we cry and he admits he is screwed up and then it all starts all over again in two or three days. I fear this has all to do with the patterns of addiction and I am feeling that there has to be an intervention.<P>I can't image you putting up with much more...I know I can't and I don't seem to have it as bad as you. My prayers are with you.<P>I can't say your choice to have an A was good for anyone but I admire the fact that you stopped it when discovered. Do you go to Alanon? You must work that program or you will slip away into the abusers web and it will cause soul errosion that will be so deep. There are great principles and wisdom to live by in that program and it will teach you boundaries. We all need boundaries to protect ourselves.<P>Please continue to share, share, share...YOU ARE NOT ALONE<P>TW

Tossedwave,<P>The poem you posted was wonderful! Our 6 year wedding anniversary is on Sun. & we'll be together 13 years on Mon. I'm thinking of putting the poem in a card for him.<P>Do you have any children? How long have you been putting up with your H's wavering back & forth?<P>It's very difficult, but I try to stay positive. Last week some of his family was in from out of town & we spent a lot of time with them. He had no time for drugs & it was like the old days. We got along beautifully.<P>But now we're back to reality. His actions are hard to tolerate, but this is what I do. Take 1 day at a time. Is today a good day? Is it better than yesterday? If it is, great. If not, why? Is she being a b****? Is something happening at work? I try to find a logical explanation for his bad mood, drinking, or drugging.<P>Then I step back a little & take a look at the picture. Is this week better than last week? Did he stay home more than he did then? Did we spend more time together?<P>Then I step back even more & take a look at the big picture. Is this month better than last month? Is he home more? Are we talking more? Laughing more? Hugging more?<P>There are set backs, that's for sure. But as long as I see overall progress, I can remain optimistic & hang in there a little longer. In March I think he slept at home twice. He couldn't stand the sight of me. In April, he stayed home 2 nights in a row one week & a few more times throughout the month. We actually ate dinner together too. In May he stayed home even more & we went camping one weekend. This month has been the best yet - 5 nights in a row & some public appearances together.<P>They're very small steps, but as long as I see them, I'll hang on. I know he's still drinking, using drugs, & seeing OW, but the more time he spends with me, the less he's doing the others. I just hope eventually it'll become less & less until finally it's none.<P>There are days I want to throw in the towel. But maybe since I started it with my A, I feel I deserve some of the pain I'm suffering.<P>Try to stay positive. Focus on the good. I'll contact Alanon, thanks for the advice.<P>I'm alone again tonight, but even if he's with her, I know she's only got him for a few hours. To all of you home by yourselves tonight, you are not alone! We are here for you. Keep posting - I know I will.<P>My thoughts & prayers are with you all. Stay strong.

Berry---I have been married for 32 years and my children are grown...two sons and they are wonderful, loving caring guys. One lives in Japan and the other is married and lives locally. My younger son is reaching out to his Dad but my older son is keeping his distance and urges me to leave him. I know they both have alot of pain in this but they are able to detach more than I.<P>I discovered A on 4/21 so it has not been real long but the alcoholism has been all the same wayward tendencies and lack of partnership for 32 years....sometimes real bad and sometimes minimal. He had an alcohol accident that has made him a paraplegia.<P>Please go to Alonon...you have some of philosphy down all ready with one day at a time but you need to learn boundaries and how to successfully detach and keep yourself healthy.<P>Do you have children? They are a big reason why I stayed married all these years but now I don't have that reason anymore. The other was that my H was the kindest person I know but that is changing for me now too.<P><BR>Elo, I do not know where you get your hope from...Do you go to Alanon? You certainly have a major tough situation with the children and need for stability. If you focus on keeping healthy and detach with love, you will be there for them. I do like the saying, If you let someone you love go, and he comes back...so on and so on but I can't remember it all. Do you know that saying? You may have to do some letting go to keep your perspecive for the kids and if he comes back, you can then work things out.<P>TW

elo, berry, and tossedwave, My H is 48 and OW is 22, married with a 4 yr. old D. I was unable to have children, but have a 20 yr. old stepson who's following in his father's footsteps by becoming an alcoholic and drug abuser, and for the past 4 years we've been legal guardians of my H's teenage niece and nephew. Up until a month ago, there were 6 teenagers at our house. H moved out at the beginning of December to live with OW, then moved back for 1.5 months, then kicked me and niece and nephew out and moved OW in for two weeks until I got a temporary restraining order to move him and OW out and me and the kids back in. The other kids left because they were using drugs and drinking with H and OW. And now niece has turned 18 and moved out and nephew has moved back with his parents who are now clean and sober. So I'm all alone for the first time in 19 years.<P>My H was an alcoholic and heroin addict, unbeknownst to me, when I met him. After 8 years together, I'd had enough and left him. He got sober and after about 6 months, we got back together. He was sober for almost 10 years, though his sobriety was slipping away the last few years. Now he is drinking, smoking pot, and shooting crank (amphetamines).<P>OW enjoys the same lifestyle. She is not exactly a "bimbo." She is a large, masculine looking girl with a butch haircut and a foul mouth (I'm trying to be polite here). He has convinced her and she has convinced him that everything that's happened is my fault and everything I'm doing to take care of myself and protect our business is greedy, selfish, and wrong.<P>Thank you so much for your poem, tossedwave, it's great. I've recently started going back to Al-Anon and it is really the most important thing in my life right now. It's good to come here too because the affair added to the alcohol and drug induced behavior is just devastating, something everyone here understands.<P>I'm glad, Berry, that your H seems to be coming around. Hope things continue to get better.

Hi Everybody---Well it is another day and we all survived. Thank God!!! My husband got home Friday at 1:30 a.m. and I have started to press him that he has to leave. I think he was with OW every night last week and he seems to be pursuing her compulsively. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. They have no basis to have a good relationship and he admits that. That is where the addictive personality comes in cause addicts cannot stop whenever something hurts them. Now OW parents' know (she is 26) and they are not happy. They don't like the idea of my H age and the fact that he is in a wheelchair. I wonder if they know he is married? Go Figure---that would be top on my list if I was her parent. (I think they got themselves a LB going here)<P>While reading this stuck out to me: Bottom for the alcoholic is when the pain of staying-the-same is GREATER than the pain of changing. PROFOUND, ain't it?<P>Letstry, Wow with all those teenagers in your house it is a wonder you did not start drinking....that is a major undertaking in itself. Teenagers are so hard to deal with, forget the ones who are drugging/drinking. You sound like you have lived through alot. Now that you are alone, are you happier and more at peace? Are you enjoying life or are you overly overwhelmed with loneliness? I so want to get on with my life but I know that a good marriage has great benefit and one is that you can share things with another. My H and I have shared much together in sober moments and that seems to be a thread that is holding me to him. Another thread is the fact that he is a very likeable guy and laid back. He is so laid back that he is very indecisive and passive. I ask him questions and try to discuss some things but he has no response or solution for anything and that is so difficult. We never argue or fight...He got mad once in all this when I told him that my Couselor wanted to see him. Oh, maybe 2x when I started opening all the mail even what was in his name only. How do you get a passive-aggressive personality to make a decision? How can I get H to leave? This is baffling. You are so right about how the affair makes the pain so devastating. It is the ultimate rejection in my book and it feels like I have 2 barrels shooting at me at once....don't know when to duck and what way to dodge the "bullets". It is hard in Alanon cause I don't feel right talking about the A. It is hard enough feeling ok with talking about the alcoholism. That is why this site is so valuable. Again I thank God for the help he provides the brokenhearted.<P>Anybody have any suggestions on legalities with a WS who won't leave but continues doing whatever he wants? I do not want to leave my home cause it is a special place for me and I don't see why I should disrupt my life because of his harmful behavior.<P>Remember all---alcoholism is a disease but the cure for alcoholism is HIS CHOICE.<P>TW

Letstry,<BR>Thanks for reply and briefing of your situation.<P>I am seriously considering attending an Al-Anon meeting this week on Wed. <P>Have you attended any of the CoDA meetings?<P>Right now, my deepest struggle is how I am going to handle hearing the final word that the d. is official. Knowing all that I know about h and ow and alcohol, and how this has hurt me and my chidren so much, it is not easy.<P>I do find that when I tell myself that(even though it is not how I really feel) I want this d. too, it eases the pain a tiny bit. Anger is what hides some of my pain. <P>There are so many mind games. As I sat in the courtroom on June 15 (7 days after our 21st wedding anniversary), and as I sat on the stand, I looked my H right in the eye as I spoke. He was not comfortable--AT ALL! He is a stranger as he has chosen to be--to be true to himself--the cruelest self-indulgent act of betraying our marriage vows.<P>An in the future, whatever it holds for us, I will make every attempt possible and dig down deep into my constitution, and hold my head up high and act like this doesn't matter..<BR>And say to myself: I don't need someone like you who has done this to your wife and children...And IF the day ever dawns and my H begins to discover his what he has done, and <BR>IF he show any interest in any reconciliation, I don't know where my head will be....I do know that IF that happens, he will have many transplants to make on himself...if I hold onto to that hope, now, it will probably never happen. IF<BR>it ever happens, it will be WHEN I TOTALLY DON'T EXPECT IT.<P>His crash will come...it is inevitable because I am aware of quicksand that parntership of Bonnie and Clyde was built upon...sex, adultery, infidelity, lies, deceit, alcohol, drugs(?), accident, money, forgeries, self-centeredness, <BR>etc. ANd he will probably become her FOURTH husband, just to spite me...and I know he will not marry her because he loves her and they have this deep profound relationship...<BR>it has a thin sheet of veneer on it, and it will wear down soon and the covering will crack and then her annoyances will outweigh what she provides...<P>I will make it through today by telling myself that:<BR> Truth stands the test of time and lies are exposed...<P>I will make it through today by telling myself that:<BR> I have not deserted my family, and I am going to appear <BR> strong to my children...even though my heart is broken <BR> as is theirs also.<P>I will try not to worry about tomorrow but I know I have to try to prepare for it ...<P>Thinking of you...keep in touch...elo<P>

Elo, do try Alanon....you will find support and help there. It will help you let go cause it sounds like you may have to now. You will have to continue dealing with your addicted H because of your children so it will be good to learn how to grow out of some of the patterns we fall into with years of relating to addicts. Sorry for your divorce. Divorce bites!!!!! I know it must be so hard to think of raising your children alone. How old are they? You have really been involved with the A for a long time. I could never have lasted as long as you. I am not good at waiting things out. The A is the ultimate kick in the face to me. <P>praying,<BR>TW

Tossed wave,<P>Thanks for your kind and caring words. Thanks for sharing your situation with me. I do want to know what others are going through.<P>Acutally, this is not my divorce. He did it and it is blood on his hands. That is one committment I made to myself and with the input of my children--after many discussions, they begged me not file--and I didn't. I know he was ambivalent for a long time, and I will never be convinced that this was totally his idea (ow pressed him right from the beginning of affair 1/00). I do sincerely appreciate your sympathy and caring. I am sure you understand that since I did not file, I preferred to wait and stand for my marriage. I think my ws is too deep in to back out on his own. Either ow will split or he will crash on his own due to financial devastation and emotional baggage which I believe is too heavy for him now..but he is still using and implementing his alcoholic defense system to convince himself that he can pull this off...eventually, the baggage will outweigh him and he will drop everything and hit rock bottom.. What needs to happen first is that he has to admit alcohol abuse is his problem and then begin to address it. If that happens, then,there may or may not be a chance for us to reconcile. It has to come from him, and I know I have done ALL I can do...I am exhausted and I just can't do any more...than what it takes to survive with my three children and what money I make and he might have to give me....<P>When I see him, as I have said, I will attempt as best I can, to hold my head up high...and know that I am NOT AT FAULT...APPEAR AS STRONG AS I CAN SO I MIGHT LOOK SAFE ENOUGH FOR HIM TO THINK--HEY I LOST HER DUE TO MY STUPID ACTIONS...WILL SHE EVER FORGIVE ME AND...<P>later...elo<P>I like waht I just said and it just flowed out of me...I had not phrased it that way before. <P>I like this dialogue...keep in touch...elo<P>They are in muck up above their heads--sin, greed, money problems, alcohol, etc. But of course, they are also in fog that clouds their brains...<P>In light of the infidelity, I have hung in there because, at first, all the books I read on affairs presented statistics that most affairs die a natural death...and the one that don't die and to go a marriage, the marriages have a slim chance of survival. Ow has been marr/div 3x; and so if ws finds anything redeemable in ow to marry her, it will devastate me. Yet, I know that op is usually the very opposite of bs. So, my consolation is that if has chosen to be with an alcoholic and jailbird over me, it is his LOSS. He knows the quality of my character and my level of integrity. For now, and who knows for how long, he has chosen the lower end of the spectrum. <P>

elo and tossedwave, <P>Actually the teenagers weren't a bad bunch. They were helpful and kept me focused. I had to feed them, provide transportation, help with homework, etc. My house is very quiet now. I am pretty overwhelmed with loneliness because all I do is work, come home, and go to Al-Anon. I was so busy with H and kids before that there wasn't much room for more.<P>No, I haven't been to any CoDA meetings, elo. Try one and let us know how it is. I'm so sorry for your divorce. Though I'm the one filing, because of our mutual business, I don't want to divorce. I keep hoping he'll get sober during the 6 mo. waiting period, but he still might want OW at that point anyway, who knows? <P>Right now they are living for free in parent's trailer at the beach with lots of money provided by parents (and this is no kid, he's a 48 yr. old man!) and now very generous spousal support from me. No work, drug money, the beach... Why emerge from the fog? My H answers yes tot he question, "Are you seeking lower companions," when it comes to the OW - one of those 20 questions they ask you to help you decide if you're an alcoholic. <P>I agree that MB is a good supplement to Al-Anon. I talk about the A in Al-Anon. My H's A was already pretty public in this small town because he carried on shamelessly in front of our 25+ employees, tore up a motel room and a rental house, screamed at me at the Post Office and at work, acted foolish in town, etc. so I'm past the humiliation phase for the most part. No one else in the meetings I go to has had this experience, or admits to it, though, so it's good to come here since, yes, tossed wave, the A is the "ultimate kick in the face."

Letstry, tossedwave,<BR>I like this dialogue we have going. Support feels good.<BR>Hearing of the situations of others and how others cope and handle their wspouses is good for me.<P>Now, as we all concur: The A is a kick in the face...I don't know why I didn't kick my H out when I came home and found him with 5 broken ribs and he admitted the affair. I loved him then and I still love him--even though he has made a choice to co-habit with ow who has alcohol problem and dwi convictions. I don't want this d. and I want my family and my marriage and my husband all together again.<P>Doesn't look like there is any chance of that now..even though I stood for my marriage...in the end, he did the filing and,like I said, the blood of killing his family and marriage is on his hands. As far as I am concerned, he imputed his own sentence on himself: life without his wife, marriage and children...just want until it hits him and it will hit him HARD...<P>After I began to read books about affairs (about 10 of them), the statistics about affairs ending and the stats about the affairs that end up as marriages led me to believe taht maybe my H would come out of the fog before he filed for a d....sadly, it didn't happen that way...and the ow made sure of taht. She was in jail and then on the street before a cousin brought her to Louisiana. When she met my H in bar (where she was working,but shouldn't have because she was on probation for dwi), she saw a chance to wreck a home and she did just that...nothing would stand in her way...not his wife, not his 3 children, not his home, no, not anything and she went for him...and it looks like she has won the prize...<P>And my three children don't have a father who truly cares for them--alcohol saw to that. My son is 16 and he is devastated as are our daughters who are 11 and 14. For the last 15 months, he has been so thoroughly absorbed in his new life,he has spent about 6 hours with our 11 year old.<BR>Our 14 year old daughter won't have anything to do with him.<BR>She feels so rejected... And he sees our son a little more but very randomly and unpredictable. QUite frankly, I don't expect this to change too much because the ow is very jealous and selfish. In fact, her 13 daughter from the 2nd of her 3 marriages lives with her and my H. So, my H sees her dtr. daily but doesn't see his own children even monthly. Alcohol is the reason for this. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when at first, we try to deceive.<P>My h is so deep in his sins, he can't see the forest for the trees. Daily, i live with the pain and torment that he is committing adultery with this ow. Who knows what diseases she is carrying and he is being exposed to?<P>As much as I want my H back and my family restored, my H would have a lot of cleaning up to do on many fronts. <P>The saddest part that affects me deeply is taht my children will not have the daily nurturing of their father any more..which is his decision...and he just doesn't care --because as I have said--he is being true to himself. My children are no longer on the honor roll; the rejection has deeply affected them and they lost interest in school.<BR>Not once did he check on their academics, religion or medical aspects of their lives. He didn't even care about our general welfare. His romantic escapades engulfed him to the point of totalling abandoning his family. <P>And the path of destruction that he has left is unknown to him because he doesn't look back and when he does look at all, he sees someone else who is at fault...and of course he will say taht is me...the bs.<P>It is late...thinking of you and keep in touch. elo<BR>

Hi Everybody---How are you all doing today? I am rather exhausted. Been crying alot. Emotions are working overtime today. Did not sleep all night last night cause of anger. When I went to bed, I had to journal first cause I could not fall asleep. I am so angry that my H can hang out with OW and he comes and goes as he pleases. I keep telling him that I can't live like this and that he should leave but he never makes a move. I asked him how does he hang with her one minute and then come home here where his wife lives with him and he said that he just detaches from me. EGADS!!! I should be the one detaching here not him. <P>Tonight in the mail he got a confirmation that his address change went through on his credit card. He is having certain bills sent to a P.O. Box at work. That really hurt cause it is one more way he is separating himself from our marital partnership. He does not want me to know about his "personal things"...He just spent alot of money before D-day for what I do not know (I know it was somehow connected to OW)and is mad cause I found out by opening up his credit card bills. We had little accountability before and now we will have none. <P>I told him that he is not connected to me at all so why does he want to stay here. It is so painful for both of us. I know he has a lot to loose and that made me so sad for him. I wanted to take care of him again but that was the codependency talking. I have to resign myself to the fact that I cannot help him at all with where he is at....I have tried to help him so much before to the point where I lost myself. Did anyone see the movie "When a Man Loves a Women" with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia. Very good movie on the alcoholic/codependency issues. Andy Garcia is hot and would make a great husband for a nonalcoholic wife.<P>Does anyone read the Bible....been reading some verses tonight on marriage/adultery. God sure doesn't like adultery too much and the consequences are grave. Proverbs 24:17-18 says to let God avenge the wrongdoer. Other good ones about alcohol are Proverbs 31:4-7 and Proverbs 20:1...WARNING: Do not throw these at your Hs. Hope they encourage you that God knows what pain certain things bring into our lives. CHOICES, CHOICES---Asset or Liability????<P>Did have some good stuff in my day also----Can't forget the good. Had lunch with my beautiful daughter in law at the Culinary Institute of America and then had a great talk with my very pregnant niece. Felt connected to them and the caring was a good thing for me to experience today.<P>Hope you all are getting through your garbage. It sure feels good to get through the day and to know there is good along with the bad.<P>Praying for you all,<BR>TW

Sorry to hear you are having hard times. I am too. I have no contact at all with my H because of the restraining order. He is living happily (and for free) in his parents' trailer at the beach with OW. I'm working hard at our jointly owned business doing both our jobs now. Today I sent him his first spousal support check. His dad is paying for his lawyer. He's now claiming to be totally disabled from an injury that happened over 15 years (and numerous jobs) ago. OW has been unemployed for the past 7 months - we're paying her unemployment. <P>He has no interest in me, our 19 years together, our business, only in OW, drugs, alcohol, and sex. Tomorrow we have our monthly team meeting at work, the first one without him. I just can't believe he really doesn't care at all. <P>I read on another post that it takes 4 years to recover from every one year of marriage. I don't think I can survive 5 years of this...<P>My lawyer said his lawyer told her that he gave her "a lot of stuff" apparently to fight me with. I know he thinks I'm a horrible, deceitful, conniving, b#### who shamed and demeaned him through our whole relationship and I'm now stealing his business from him and turning everyone including his friends and family and all our employees against him. But I won't find out what evidence he has against me until I go back to court next Tuesday (I'm dreading him showing up with OW). <P>He is lying through his teeth to his lawyer. My lawyer keeps trying to tell her, but she believes my H instead. He's NOT using drugs or drinking (right!), his parents DIDN'T give him $10,000 for his lawyer (his sister saw the check register), and who knows what else. My lawyer challenged him to take a drug test and said she'd pay out of her own pocket if it was negative, but he's not going for it.<P>With all the enabling his parents are doing, I don't see much hope of him coming out of this any time soon, if ever. I just have to keep focused on myself, getting through each day, one day at a time. And right now I need some sleep. Got another busy day tomorrow...<P>Keep in touch

Letstry, tossedwave,<BR>Been reading your replies on my post re: alcohol.<P>I am so sorry for all your pain and problems. I am thinking of you both and I feel you pain. The uncertainty of the future and the devastation of the present is enough to drive anyone to the brink...<P>I tell myself that I don't care and I couldn't consider taking back my H in the "state of mind" tht he is in now.<BR>Only time will tell if he continues in this "state" or enters the state of pain and reality that me and my children are in...<P>I am a fool to think, even for a second, taht my marriage, my husband and my family could survive all of this. <P>I am so saturated with pain and I am overflowing with hurt and anger. Down deep underneath,of course, I do care but it doesn't matter to him so I am beginning to let it not matter to me--just to endure the pain when it spews, spurts, and overwhelmns me from deep inside my heart, my soul, and my gut...Do you know that feeling?<P>I can't help but keep asking why? Why? Why? And even though the obvious answer doesn't hold water...it all started with his abuse of alcohol and his desire to be "true to himself".<P>Thinking of you and keep in touch...elo

elo, I think I'm coming to the same place you are. I have to accept that my marriage is over. I can't be holding out hope in the face of such hatred and disgust. I know on some level that it's projection, but I just can't listen to it anymore and think of it as coming from the man I vowed to love, honor, and cherish and who vowed the same about me. I need to move on, focus on myself, take care of business. <P>I also keep asking why? and I want to project into the future of his life and figure out whether he's likely to return to sanity and whether, at that point, he'd want to reconcile or stay with OW, or move on. I can't know this of course but that's part of my obsession. <P>My H has given up everything to "be true to himself." But what he's really done, IMO, is to cop out on life with a variety of addictive substances including sex, drugs, and alcohol. He's now claiming to be totally disabled from an injury that happened about 15 yrs, and several jobs, ago. He and OW are unemployed, living off money from his parents, and now spousal support from me, without rent or utilities to pay (paid by parents), or car insurance, car payments, or medical insurance payments (paid for by our business).<P>I'm sure he thinks he's really getting over on me, but I wouldn't want his life for anything...

Letstry,<BR>We share similar feelings about simiar circumstances.<P>I, too, am still in the obsession stage...and I can't force myself out of it...as I said in prior post, I keep telling myself to say I don't care and I can't care--it is too painful to let my feelings overwhelm and grab me. <P>Letting it roll is not easy for me--but, as we know, we can't project or know what the future holds about anything --let alone what our wspouses will do...<P>When I find myself projecting, I say: I don't care...get through today...I have to do and say this many, many , many, times a day...understand? So I am constantly projecting...what if?<P>When I find myself hoping, I am focusing on what I have read in Affair books about the statistics about affairs and the marriages that come from them...most of them DO NOT LAST.<P>Then, I tell myself, in my case, that it may or may not take the d. he waited a year to go for, to bring him to his knees. <P>If that ever happens, I want to look as strong as I can...taht I held up under the conditions of infidelity, emotional and financial devastation....<P>As I have said, IF that happens, IT WILL BE WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT...<P>Just my thoughts...keep in touch... elo

Letstry---why is there a restraining order on you? Was your H always this irresponsible and freeloading? <P>I had the best day today....no worry..no deep disgusting emotional pain...no obessing etc. I asked my H to leave last night and he seemed to get the picture. I am urging my H to leave cause I can't live as a BS and now he seems to be nervous about the seriousness of this. He is talking to me tonight like we are the best of buddies looking for my support and input on some health issues he has. I think he thinks he can just be married with all its benefits and have a chic on the side. Where do WS get this thinking from??? Could this possibly be his thinking? It is weird how the alcohol addiction has such paralells to the infidelity. He has the mentality that he has the right to do as he wants regardless....We would go through this cycle for years. He would drink alot and never want to answer to me for anything---I would confront and suggest separation then he would cool it for awhile and play the part then slowly go back to where he was. Now I feel he is doing that with the OW. He is backing off and keeping peace but for how long? <P>I am so at peace when I stand firm and am willing to let the marriage end. If it does, it does. If it has any hope, time will only tell. I know that I am learning the hard way that no one should get their identity from another person. Only God can define who we are and he gives us worth and purpose. I know for years I have put all my self-concept in my H hands...UGH!!! How pathetic. I could just puke at that thought.<P>I cannot play these games anymore!!!! I want a life and since this happened I have felt someone stole my life and I want it back.....Just being married is not worth living in and out of hellish behavior by partner. I would let go if I were you ladies.....your Hs don't seem to be responding to any of your efforts. <P>The defense systems and the denial that our WS have are so fine tuned cause of the addictions that it doesn't seem that they have the ability to solve problems especially when it deprives them of their "fix".<P>Wondering if there are any infidelity/alcohol cases out there that have recovered...I think I will put out a post to see.<P>Keep on keeping on,<BR>TW<P>

Hey Everyone,<BR> Boy I did'nt know how much I'd need this post tonite! My H comes home this evening and has been drinking! <BR> Berry, my story is like yours, I did the betraying, thought we were working it thru, but when he gets drunk it's square one.<BR> I really don't know what to do you guys, I can't live one day at a time, its the worry that eventually he'll mess up and get arrested, or he'll get killed! Forgive me right now I know I'm not making much sense...... I just want to die...<BR>I'm so tired of this, we go along SO Very good for alittle while, then he does this and our life means nothing to him neither my happiness nothing!! I guess I'm codependant too I keep wanting to TRY to fix him...<BR> He has a badly broken leg hasn't been back to work since Nov. now he has neck disks messing up his left arm, along with taking antibiotics for a saliva gland infection, and just got over a bladder infection, on blood pressure pills, cholesterol pills, and I'm the one making all the damn dr. appointments making sure he gets physical therapy, and all that crap!! Then he goes and gets drunk and stomps his cholesterol pills (the last time he drank) and I have to hop around and find more! Why do I bother if he does'nt care? I go one minute thinking he's so wonderful( when he's sober) to why am I living at all like now? I do everything and he has the gall to say he does'nt care?? What do I do?