Last night I posted about how I was afraid of the direction my marriage was headed; there were several VERY helpful responses. <P>I believe my wife may be suffering from some form of depression, making her very tense, critical, annoyed, etc. when at home with me and my son. She also has difficulties & conflicts with her parents and sister: and they have expressed their own concerns recently to me. <P>And, she has expressed more and more strong concerns over my income level. However, this has been in response to my attempts to curb her personal spending. <P>Last night (after pressing), she reluctantly admitted (crying) that she can't stand Sex anymore. She said she feels under constant pressure for sex (even though we do "it" only 2-3x per mo.) and she can't deal with it. She knows it's not normal for there to be NO sex in a marriage. <P>My question: What does this mean? Is her sexual adversion a response to other problems; or could they be part of a physical or mental imbalance. How would you respond if you were in "my" shoes? <P>I literally don't know how to handle this. My immediate reaction is to "be a man" and insist she "get over it". But, the possibility of depression complicates matters and I am also afraid of the affect of a split-up to my son. <P>Also, after reading this board, I realize I can't just wait for things to get better - that she may eventually stray, which would cause me to throw in the towel. <P>Thanks in advance.

Could be any number of things Keith - depression (as we know this lessens sex drive), physical problems, lack of self-esteem, something that happened in her past and has come back to haunt her? As a woman, I will say this - please don't put any pressure on her to have sex at the moment - you can show affection for her in other ways. Do encourage her and support her to go to the doctors or a therapist about this - and give her a 'safe place' to talk to you. Reassurance, Love, Patience. I get the feeling there's something very wrong here and you need to find out what it is, but tread gently!<P>Paint.

I experienced the same problem, I really had no desire for sex, didn't care if I ever had it again, really didn't like it too much. I was also concerned about our finances, I was unhappy with who I was a person, felt inadequate, felt tired, was worried - all sorts of things. <BR>I hated it when my H asked for sex! I would even be angry because I just felt I was everyone's servant and here I was "servicing someone else's needs" yet again. He eventually got fed up with the rejection and pursued another relationship!<BR>Well, I just wanted other types of affection, I wanted help with little things around the house, the kids, I wanted him to participate more in the day to day things. He does that now and does things to make me feel like I'm worth it and attractive which makes all the difference in the world. He wants me for more than sex - we communicate, we talk, we laugh, we play and have FUN together again! We make each other feel desired. It's lovely.

Paint's right... be careful... I've been right where you are and have watched it descend into hell... Look at my recent post "What do you do when THIS happens?"<P>I'd give anything to be able to go back and be right where you are now. Do you think she would be open to learning the Marriage Builders theories?<P>Don't push her into doing anything yet, but take this behavior seriously... Take whatever measures you need to correct this before it gets worse. For the record, my wife had the same exact feelings/symptoms that you describe. She was once on Prozac, got off it (back when we were first and happily married) then became depressed again and went on Zoloft which is where she is now... She also takes Xanax for anxiety. Let me say that the drugs have not "fixed" anything... She is able to function, but she's functioning her way out of my life!<P>Good luck!<BR>f_n

Hi Keith,<BR>How would I respond in your shoes? Hmmm well, being a woman who has had some depression, felt overwhelmed, and quit wanting sex in my first marriage, I can tell you what I would have loved to have heard! I would have loved to have heard him say "Babe, don't worry about sex...we can love, cuddle, hug, hold kiss or whatever. I'm more worried about you than sex. I see you're unhappy, I see you can't cope and all I want to do is make that better for you. Tell me anything you want...do you need more help with the kids and the house, do you need more time for yourself, do you want to see a counselour..Do you even know what you need? You take your time and decide because knowing that you are happy is the most important thing in the world to me."<BR>Instead, I got I had a husband who went with the "get over it scenerio". I did and we split.<BR>Keith, it's very possible that she has no idea why she is unhappy right now, and if she's willing to have some indiviual or couples counseling, I'd say go for it. In the meantime, take the emphasis off sex and put it on love and loving actions. Be patient, be kind.<BR>T<BR>

Twyla: I'm going to closely study your post, try to communicate exactly what you said, and then do it. <P>Paint, Alberta, f_n: You don't know how much I appreciate your words of advice & support. It helps an awful lot to be able to speak with someone who can offer some insight. <P>I feel truly blessed to have found this web-site while there's still time to "turn things around". I'm just worried sick about my W and our marriage. <P>Thanks for your patience and helpful encouragement. <P>Keith

Keith,<P>I agree with the others - don't push her right now. I became very unhappy in my marriage & lost interest in sex. What I wanted from my H was more attention & affection. I felt that the only reason he did anything nice for me was to get sex. It made me feel cheap & used. I wanted to be appreciated & adored. I wanted to cuddle, hold hands, have him help around the house more, notice a new outfit - little things.<P>I've discovered that my H & I have different needs. I need to feel special & desired before I'm "in the mood" to have sex. However, he claims that sex makes him feel special & desired. The more I felt ignored & unwanted, the less I wanted sex. The less we had sex, the more he felt ignored & unwanted. It's a vicious cycle.<P>Try to be understanding. She may not know exactly what's bothering her. Just be there for her & try not to pressure her - that may only make her withdraw further.<P>Good luck.

Lovingly encourage her to see a Dr. for meds. She sounds depressed. It's amazing how much meds can help and they are often not needed for very long.