[QUOTE]Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B>Absolutely YES! Shut that baby down. IM is a form of contact and the OW is trying to entice you into her bed .. she senses you are becoming guarded and withdrawing from her. She's no dummy. Be a "Good" Hubby and not only shut it down, but uninstall as well. </B><P>Ok, You folks have really helped me dodge the (oh**** where is my wedding band?) temptation. I thank you for that. Big question here...I have to launch D-Day for both W and OW...there are (and I suppose will always be) circumstances that would make anytime seem like a "bad" time to do so...<P>Shall I point W to this thread and let her discover the truth? Someone here said to write a letter to OW, one that BS could read and to which, give approval or dis, What are your thoughts?<P>Jo, she's out there, very resilient and persistient...<P>I have relied on family to get me thru most of this evening, although hanging from the rafters is a very enticing option right now. But even more seriously, I am not going to do it. <P>The strength I have gotten from this place, it has given me the will to go on. <BR> <BR>The inevevitable confrontation with BS and OW is something that I dread, and I am a procrastinator by nature. If you all only knew what I did for a living, you'd be surprised by this...I certainly am.<P>Resilient and others who have been following...I'd like to talk to you. My email is anon138@hotmail.com<BR>I'd welcome any correspondence on this thread.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 05, 2001).]

I'm gonna guess you're a marriage counselor by trade, am I right?<P>Bad Hubby,<P>I'm really proud of you. Don't you already feel relief ... free? You should.<P>You need to write the OW a no-contact letter. There are some examples here. I'm hoping someone will jump in and point you to them. Draft one up from the examples offered here and we'll critique it. But don't send it ... yet. It requires and needs your W's blessing.<P>When you are ready to tell your W, do it where the both of you are alone and a place she feels safe, a private place, perhaps your home, and have someone take the kids for the evening or afternoon. Have the draft no-contact letter with you, this will show her you are willing to truly end the A and are serious. <P>Gosh, as far as having your wife come here, I like the idea but I want to make sure you're really serious about ending it with OW and are willing to go into TRUE recovery.<P>In my year on this board we've had several instances where the BS had their WS come here hoping they would experince an epiphany regarding their A, only to discover the WS became angry and felt manipulated. The WS was not ready or really willing to recover the marriage. <P>BUT .. your case is the opposite since you are the WS. I would like to hear from some of the heavy hitters (LOR, K, Mthrhubard, Distreseed, Buffy/Faye???) on this board regarding having your W (BS) come here. We need their opinion as well to decide.<P>You are a good man, Bad Hubby. I know this must be frightening for you, I respect you for taking the road less traveled. You are blessed. <P>Okay .. lets see if we can get those heavy hitters to help out now.<P>I'll be keeping an eye on your posts regularly.<P>Very Best,<BR>Jo<BR>

BH,<BR>I've been reading your thread. I'm so glad you found this forum and that you decided to take another look at your marriage with a commitment to save it. <P>I've posted on this board since March 1998 after discovering my H's long term affair. He immediately ended ALL contact with the OW upon my discovery. We have been rebuilding our marriage for over 3 1/2 yrs now and it's better and stronger than ever. BH, it CAN be done. Lots of work, lots of communication, lots of tears and alot of self examination and assessment. I'm so sorry it took such a painful destructive situation to force us to take these steps. But we have survived it and more important, thrived! <P>Please, be so very gentle with your W when you tell her about the affair. This is going to be the most painful, hurtful thing she's ever going to hear from you. Try to set aside a day, a weekend if possible, with no distractions, no kids, no visitors, no jobs. Whatever you do,,DON'T try to justify your actions. "Well, honey, I did it cause,,,if only you would have,,,you should have..." . If you'd like, I can give you lots of helpful ways to help her deal with this revelation. The hurt is indescribable. <P>AND, as the others have said,,NO CONTACT with the OW. None, zero, zip. Not by phone, computer, mail, notes, nothing. Not until you and your W jointly sit down and write a no contact letter. <P>I wish you all the luck in this world. <BR>

Thanks all. I made it through another day. Resiliant, I shut it down. I'll deal with the rest later. I appreciate your support. W and I are emailing each other, making very good progress. Found out she's not dead. She has SN that I never knew of. Go figure. <BR>Still have to launch D-Day though. That's going to be a big bomb. R - I read your post, I'll get back to you on that. You have some good recommendations, so good I think I'll follow. <P>

You've gotten some great advice.<P>I wish you luck. I suggest that whenever you need some motivation, take a long look at your kids. Be thankful you have them and don't take them for granted.<P>In the long term, they will double your rewards for your efforts to rebuild your family.<P>WAT

Way to go BH . See, you are my H after all. You do know what is important and who you love. When you do have the talk with your wife just be prepared for her pain and her reactions. It is like no other pain I have ever experienced. It has been well over a year for me but just reading this thread takes me right back to the beginning.<P>Please hold strong and do not give in to the temptation of calling the OW. You too will become angry and withdrawn from not contacting the OW. However, you need to focus in on your wife and children and their pain. Please do not let your own withdrawal from the OW diminish your desire to fix your marriage. <P>It will not be easy. There will be times when you think a divorce has got to be better than the recovery. I thought so many, many times. However, I had to consider my entire family not just myself and that always kept me grounded. Please do the same. Think before you act. Think of the children and the anguish and pain that will set in if you go the "easy" road by divorcing.<P>You and your wife and children are in my prayers. Resilient gave you excellent advice. Follow this and read as much as you can on this website. This website helped me save my marriage and for that I will forever be grateful.

BH<P>Let me just say first off, that in my experience, recovering from my H's A has been the most intimate thing we have ever done together.More good has come from it than I ever would have dreamed, I think my H would say the same.<P> OMG has it been painful! The work the BS must do emotionally and spiritually is as deep and painful as the work of the WS. It's the most painful process I have ever gone through, worse than the death of a sibling or a parent. There is so much to be mourned. First we mourn the marriage we thought we had and/or would have liked to think we had.Then we have to come to terms with what we did actually have. When that picture doesn't look like the marriage we thought we had, then we have to take responsibility for our part in that ugly picture. That alone is lots to swallow,especially at a time when we think it is WS who should be doing the changing. When we finally get to the point where we can take ownership of our contribution to the demise of our marriage and the real condition it was in, we have to give that up too and let go of all of our previous conceptions about what we are "supposed" to do in a marriage.Obviously we can't go back to doing the same things and expect to have different results the second time. We have to somehow get the energy to change ourselves when we feel like curling up into a ball and dying. But guess what BH? We love our spouses so much that we can see the opportunity we are missing if we don't. For my H and I it has been the beginning of a serious journey to make our marriage all the things both of us wanted it to be in the first place. That takes a lot of work, individually and as a couple. Both partners must be willing to change. It's been an exciting journey.<P>Jo and others have given you some great advise about revealing your A. I would do this at home where she is comfortable and can react however she needs to react. I would have the kids gone for 2-3 days if at all possible (I'm serious). I would have the no contact letter written as a show of good faith and willingness to immediately end the A. I would have a copy of SAA for her to read with a letter from you asking for forgiveness and the opportunity to rebuild something bigger and better( it is important for BS to have this so that we can go back to it and reread it over and over to convince ourselves we can recover from this). I would show her this website. There are many here who can help her.<P>Most all of us have been through this. We can offer lots of insight into the how's and why's and what do I do's? I am within days of the 2year anniversary since d-day and since coming here. I can tell you that there are some very, very special people here who are so full of wonderful, counsel that is the result of heartfelt and time honored consideration of posts. <P>You are taking the high road BH, you deserve much credit for that. You deserve even more credit for having the integrity to come forth with your revelation on your own instead of denying it and letting your W stumble across it. I give you even more credit for seeking out a way that can repair your marriage and make it stronger and viable. Like Jo, I believe you have what it takes to accomplish much in rebuilding your marriage. I pray that your wife is forgiving and can gradually come to a point of acceptance with a desire to work together with you.<P>You did a HUGE thing by uninstalling your IM. Don't go backwards, I urge you. Do not contact OW, avoid her until you and W can agree on a no contact letter. Do not feel like you have to do this in person or speak to her directly, just send the letter. It will mean TONS to your wife and do much to restore her faith and trust in you, if upon your confession, you can look her in the eye and tell her you already haven't had ANY contact with OW for x number of days and are ready to send the no contact letter. <P>Good luck BH (time to change your name). You will be blessed for having courage and character. Your children will be blessed a hundred fold. Many prayers for you and W and family. All the best to you! <BR>

D-Day question - What if BS asks details of the affair? Wouldn't it be better to stay away from that? The intimate details would be crushing to her to say the least. How does one best handle that?<BR>

Bad Hubby,<P>I didn't ask granularity type details of my WH at first, as time went on I did tho. I couldn't help myself, I wanted to know and after he told me, I didn't want to know. It hurt unbelievably, but I got thru it.<P>My recommendation is tell your W whatever she wants to know, answer all questions - FULL DISCLOSURE. Otherwise she'll feel you are hiding something from her and she'll feel your loyalty and allegiance is still w/the OW.<P>Ummmm ....I can imagine the first and probably hardest question your W will ask is "Do you love her". You need to be radically honest. She has to know where she stands, it will be devistating for her, but if you're not honest she'll be basing "her" decisions on a lie.<P>Bad Hubby, be there for her, be compassionate, loving, hold her (if she'll let you). The things you'll be telling her will shake her very existence. <P>I know you're very nervous, shoot, I'm nervous for you.<P>Jo

JMO... I wanted to know details. H told me some of them... <<<ick>>> and he was very gentle and cautious, and gave me time to react and time to stop him if I wante dhim to stop. I asked very specific questions about what I wanted to know - I didn't want to know all of it. He didn't just blurt it all out - I couldn't have handled that. . <P>also... on D-day, I only asked one or two general questions... it was 3 days later that I asked for more details.... <<<ick>>> <P>The thoughts and images stayed with me for about 2 months.. I hardly ever think about them anymore.<P>So my advice... again.... JMO... is yes... if she wants to know... to let her lead the questions - don't offer anything more than she asks for - be patient and gentle - expect any kind of reaction....<P>You can do this, BH, and I'm so proud that you are here and willing to do this for your wife and yourself.... <p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited September 06, 2001).]

Bad Hubby,<P>Did you get the book SAA (Surviving an Affair) yet???<P>Get your tush on the Internet RIGHT NOW (Borders, Amazon) and order it, to be delivered overnight to your work slug mail addy. Jeeeeez!<P>Jo <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B>Bad Hubby,<P>Did you get the book SAA (Surviving an Affair) yet???<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I just ordered it, along with a couple others. <P>Judging by the covers, they should be excellent future OW deterrents while sitting on my coffee table in my apartment. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 06, 2001).]

BD...Just scanning throught he topics...So I haven't read the whole story on this thread....<P>But let me respond to Page one and your comment about "sounding bitter while not having SF...needs met" Let me assure you ....YOU DON'T sound bitter. You are in fact...selfish! Do you even have an idea how a BS feels..while being betrayed? Just because you havn't told her does not mean she doesn't know.<P>Suck it up buddy...As Dr.Phil says, "If you don't make the right decision...then make your decesion right."<BR>do the right thing here...dump the bimbo...go home to your "family" hug them kiss them tell them you love them. After the kids are in bed...come clean w/your wife...call a counselor..get help! For all of you. DO NOT take your family down this road for another moment! Please...<BR>d2k<P><BR>

BH,<P>I have quite the self help library now, as I'm sure most members here do as well. Here's five that I feel are essential to begin with:<P>Surviving an Affair - Harleys<BR>Private Lies - Frank Pittman<BR>Triangles - ?<BR>Relationship Rescue - Phillip C. McGraw<BR>Divorce Busting - Michele Weiner-Davis<P>I apologize, I can't remember the author of "Triangles". Senior moment I guess ... lol<P>Love,<BR>Jo<P><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 06, 2001).]

Hey Discovery,<P>Bad Hubby is going to do the right thing. He's here getting help and advice on how to do it. <P>He needs encouragement and support. Lets give it to him.<P>Jo

I've resisted the urge to go back to OW for nearly a week now. So I'm not totally devoid of self-restraint. But I had to respond to this...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Discovery2000:<BR><B>BD...Just scanning throught he topics...So I haven't read the whole story on this thread....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> do the right thing here...dump the bimbo...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I don't want to get into a pissing contest with anybody here, but since you haven't read the entire thread, and since the purpose of this forum is to allow individuals with common experiences to help each other, may I suggest you be a little less judgemental of others?<P>That was totally unnessary. Does that make me a "Bimbo" too?<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 06, 2001).]

Bad Hubby,<P>Please don't let any disparaging comments weigh on you or hender your progress. <P>I apologize for the driveby.<P>Best,<BR>Jo<P>

Bad Hubby:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Does that make me a "Bimbo" too?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Of course not. You would be a "Gigolo" <P>Jo has paged me for help on your thread. I'm heading home right now, but will be back tomorrow. Do you need any help??? My first line of advice would be to do the phone counseling offered here at MB (888-639-1639 for appts) for a session or two before you spill your guts to your wife. That way you can have Steve or Jenn lined up to talk with your wife after you do this.<P>This has worked well for a couple of folks that I can remenber.

Hey BH,<P>WOW ... K is THE man. He has counseled with the Harleys for some time now and he and his W have been in recovery and doing well.<P>I think that's an excellent idea to counsel with either Steve or Jenn Harley. <P>What do you think, Bad Hubby???<P>Jo<BR>

Hey <B>BH</B> ~<P>I never had a d-day with my H confessing. He got caught, and denied and denied and denied until I caught him with so much proof that there was no more denying.<P>BUT, now that we are in recovery, his affair is an ongoing discussion.<P>It hurts beyond belief. BUT, what hurts even more is the lies, even white lies, told to protect me.<P>If your wife is ever going to trust you ever again, you are going to have to be gentle, kind, and unflinchingly honest.<P>There's still alot of stuff that I don't know about my H's affair. He doesn't offer details often unless its something important to him. But, I have learned to trust that he WILL tell me if I ask. His willingness gives me the freedom NOT to ask. I know it sounds crazy, but there are things that I don't know, that I wonder about, but am afraid to know the answers. <P>What my H has done by being 100% honest about his affair, is that he has given ME the power to decide what I want to know. It's a trust builder between us. Sounds nuts..I know, but its working for us.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>