I was "enlightened" over the weekend and thought I would let you and anyone else who is interested know what about...<P>SNL, remember when I mentioned that my husband keeps one of your posts in his nightstand drawer... Welllllll, guess what?!<P>It was not your words of wisdom that he gravitated toward, it was Rodger's taken from a thread initiated some time in early July entitled "TO SAD_N_LONELY" (I think your wife originated it?) It developed into others addressing your concerns about why you felt marriage should not be work.<P>Anyway, the post my husband was saving was from <B>Rodger</B> who endeavored to explain that <B>"Anyone who thinks marriage does not involve a lot of work is not living in the real world."</B><P>Remember Rodger said that happiness is not something another person owes you, it comes from within and also comes from the joy of making others' miserable lives happy--not from destroying another person's life?<P>Rodger also said he is for saving marriages but how it can't work if only one side wants to contribute...Children play, adults work, and how people in happy marriages work and work and realize happiness from that..Happiness comes from responsible work, work that helps to make someone's life a little better.<P>Rodger also said he disagreed that a good marriage should just be fun and not work.<P>I just took a few standout phrases from the page+ post, but wanted to clarify and let others know that when I made that comment about how "even my husband saved one of SnL's posts," I was very WRONG and felt a need to clarify! Too lazy to go find all the posts and link them, sorry, first night back from 3 days off! zzzzzzzzz!<P>It was a post TO SNL, but the words my husband was savoring belonged to Rodger.

AND?............<P>THANK YOU, RODGER, for being a Marriage Builder and for helping my husband in case he was wondering why a happy marriage needs work!!!

Ok, glad we got that cleared up......*smile* And next time you make a report young lady, do you homework better. Psst...if you ever apply for a job as a reporter, forget this never happened.<P>

Thank you BINthereDUNthat,<P>I forget what I said now but I do believe marriage is not like the fairy tales. In real life there are responsibilities and there is work, there are worries. Yet with a good marriage most of it can be overcome and there should be enough time for joy and laughter. But the world also doesn't seem fair. Some people don't get dealt a full deck. Some people have tragedies, illneses, misfortune. Within the framework of this world it doesn't seem fair. Perhaps in the bigger scheme, considering even after death, there may be some sense to all of it. But the world is the world, we have to accept what happens, try to change what we can and not fret over what we can't. <P>In my case I married a dream wife, very beautiful, very smart, very talented, very popular, very everything. I wondered how I was so lucky. Then she had an affair. My heart went from 100% to 0%. It will probably never be the same for me. But I decided to take it in stride, try not to look back, and stive for a good future.

Thanks guys for the great info, Where was this advice 4yrs ago???? <BR>I had to learn it the hard way. I am the WS.<P>Rodger,<BR>What do you mean when you say" It will never be the same for me."

Hi Keep Smiling,<P>Maybe I spoke too soon. Of course I want it to be the same or even better. I certainly will work twards this. Now I just keep having images of my wife with this other guy when we were newly married. It's hard to get rid of those. <P>Rodger

Rodger,<P>That seems to be my biggest obstacle...getting those pictures out of my head...How do we do it ?

I don't know if you ever fully do it. I know I have been unable to completly purge the mental pictures. But for me they did get somewhat dim.<P> jd

jd..<P>Is even dim fair ??? <P><BR>Any WS out there ? Can you answer this for us....Do the pics in your head stay there ? Are they good/bad ? Do you miss it ? Regret It? <P>Maybe if a WS could help me out on this one I could move somewhere ?<P>BTDT...Don't mean to pull your thread.

Dear SnL,<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010442.html" TARGET=_blank>TO SAD_N_LONELY from mainemade dated July 8, 2001</A><P>Rodger & Others...<BR>Basically, back in July, mainemade was frustrated with SnL and wanted to know what is keeping him together with his wife... <P>Below is the quote my husband saved. I copied from the above link. It must have meant a lot for my H to read these words. So thanks again, Rodger... Two thumbs way up...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rodger on July 8, 2001 to SnL:<BR><B>Anyone who thinks marriage does not involve a lot of work is not living in the real world. They are still in fantasy land where prince charming marries the beautiful princess and they live happily ever after.<P>Real people do work, have problems, help other people. Real families have children, change diapers, cut the lawn, clean the house, worry about finances, deal with job loss, with illness, with relatives, with vandals, with hardship. <P>Life's journey is difficult. The real world is difficult. A marriage partner tries to help his or her spouse by making their life a little easier, selfishly. Think of the other person not of yourself. That's the greatest thing you can do. That doesn't mean think of having sex with the OM or OW to make them happy and make yourself happy. Look around and see who has this fairytale dream existence where there is no work, where the woman stays young and beautiful forever. Where the stress of life does not affect your beautiful lady. <P>Happiness is not something the other person owes you. It is something within yourself. It is the joy that comes from making someone's myserable life happy. It does not come from destroying another person's life. Giving seems to bring more happiness than getting. Those who give eventually received benefits but this is not why they give. A true giver expects nothing in return. A getter just takes and takes. <P>Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Imagine their life from the time they were a baby until the time they met you. Imagine their dreams. Imagine their difficulties to be the movie star perfect personality 24 hours a day.<P>At some point in time everyone gets old. What do we have to appreciate in each other then. Is sex still the number one thing? If this dies down is there anything else left. Do the long term memories built together with your prvious spouse have any value? Is it that the betrayal has forever tarnished your brain? Is the EGO and shame too great to bear to great to recover from? <P>Imagine the life with the other woman. Will it be any different a few years from now. Will it be true bliss. Will everyday be like you are in heaven. When she is sick with the flu, sick with a disease, stressed out from work, will she be as attractive? When you are down and out, sick or without a job will she be there for you? <P>What is marriage for anyway? Why did you marry in the first place? Why did you think your spouse was so wonderful when you married her? What changed? Why is the new lady so much more wonderful? How many other ladies on the street seem the same wonderful if they gave you the chance? <P>What is doing the right thing? What does comittement mean? What is love really? What is betrayal? <P>I am for saving a marriage but it can't work if only one side want to contribute to the marriage. Which woman would do a better job in times of trouble? Every person can be wonderful under conditions of play and fun. This is the children's world. <P>Children play, adults work. Great basketball players work and work and reap the benefits. Great musicians, dancers' chess player's, singers, policticans , etc. work and work and reap the rewards. People in happy marriages work and work and realize happiness from this. Happiness comes from responsible work, work that helps to make someone else's life a little better. <P>I disagree that a good marriage should just be fun and not work. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There ya go!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by louser:<BR><B>That seems to be my biggest obstacle...getting those pictures out of my head...How do we do it ?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don't nurse it and rehearse it, disburse it, and let God reverse it.<P>It's just your imagination getting carried away after all, you won't ever know (unless they videotaped it) exactly what went on, you can only imagine. The devil is pretty good at painting pictures for us, too. Don't buy into his crap.<P>Remember in Philippians where it tells us to think of good things, things worth a good report, and to keep believing the best in all situations (1 Cor.13), most of all casting down vain imaginations and every high thing that exhalts itself above the knowledge of Christ?<P>We might not choose what thoughts come to us, but we can choose whether or not they stay in our heads. Choose a better thought when those images creep up. Meditate on scriptures...<P>Meditate on Psalm 91 and how we are protected from destruction and disease underneath His wings...<P>Think about Ecclesiastes 3 where it talks about timing and how there is a time to break down, and a time to build up, then remember your purpose--marriage building--and how destructive these thoughts can be.