Today I borrowed my H's truck, and he was taking my van to have my tire fixed. When I got in the truck, I have to admit, I did a little snooping, but only to see if he still had my son's letter. Unfortunately, I found something else. My H had a pair of unopened fishnet pantyhose in his truck! He has been telling me that he hasn't been seeing anyone, but what's with the pantyhose? I mean, I figured he was seeing people, just from the change in his behavior with me, but now I have proof, or do I?<P>I don't know what to do with this. Do I:<P>a) Ask him if he's seeing people? (Because, frankly, I can't see how he can be thinking about coming back seriously if he's seeing other people)<P>b) Leave the pantyhose in the truck where he knows I have seen them, and let him say something if he wants? (I'm just afraid to do this because then he'll know I was snooping, and will turn that against me)<P>c) Just put them back where they were and leave it alone, not mention anything to him. <P>He has to know that if he's seeing other people, it will have an affect on whether or not he wants to come home. It will definitely make it last longer. What is his deal? I know he was having feelings for me a month ago, and then - wham! - he acted like he was having no feelings for me! That has to have something to do with him seeing someone else.<P>Someone help me, PLEASE!

bumping

I don't know if this is the right answer or not, but if it were me I would put them back and not mention them. H will consider it an invasion of his privacy if he's anything like mine and it will all be turned around on you.<P>dumplin

Bumping again...I really need opinions.<P>TIG

TIG,<BR>As far as I can think, there would be 4 reasons he would have them:<BR>1) gift for you<BR>2) OW<BR>3) He's cross-dressing<BR>4) He has no idea they are there, say he gave a male friend a ride and they slipped out of a sack...?<P>So, other than this discovery, how does your gut feel? Is he accountable for his time--even though you are separated? Can you reach him if you try? If not, is his reason reasonable? Has he given you email, voicemail passwords?<P>I am given to not letting sleeping dogs lie...and would tell him I found the fishnets. Just that. (I don't know that that is the RIGHT response for you). And then I would watch his body language, his response & listen.<P>Regardless of what he says, state at some point that reconciliation is not a possibility if he is seeing someone else.<P>Whatever you do, try not to lovebust. You'll have to weigh snooping against openness. I can tell you that once my H had nothing to hide anymore, he had no problem with my snooping, up until then he had "needed his space & privacy".<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Okay, that's two responses. Thanks Dumplin & Lor, you both make good points. Any other opinions? I really need help now. I need to weigh this decision. Why is no one answering? Where is everyone?<P>Thanks,<BR>TIG

I simply can't resist this, but DON'T DO IT!!<P>If they would fit me, I would consider having them on (and not much else ) when he gets home with a big "thank you" and a kiss for the neat new pantyhose. <P><BR>Actually, I would probably just leave them where I found them, and I MIGHT tell him that I found them. You can always tell him in a day or two, if you decide that you should.<P>To be honest, I would probably snoop further and confirm whether he really is cheating again; but, that would be a LB.

Is it possible that you could've found them without snooping efforts? Like, where were they? Could you have dropped something and was looking under the seat perhaps? If so, you might just ask him what they are for - in a non-accusatory way. Maybe they're leftover from when he WAS messing around. Maybe she left them in there. ???<P>Otherwise, you might just not bring it up at all, and do a little more cautious snooping to see if you find anymore evidence of the A continuing.<P>JMO. <P>

trustingingod I would have to agree with lady clueless and faith1 put them back and don't say a word. If you really feel he may be cheating again you have to play detective. You know if you say anything to him it's going to be a big LB. Make sure you have proof before you make any rash decisions about confronting him. That's my opinion.Good luck.<BR>cybil

What we are unwilling to confront, we can never change.<P>I would take them to him and ask him whose are these and forget about the guilt for snooping. You found them for a reason. I doubt if he wears fishnets!!!!!!!!!?<P>Why put them back and pretend? That's torture, isn't it? Because even if things were normal and healthy in your marriage, fishnet stockings in the car that don't belong to you is MIGHTY fishy and deserves an answer!<P>Is it that you already know what his reaction will be? Maybe that is more of what you are afraid of than letting him know that you know the stockings are there.<P>Eh, I say go for it. Bring them out in the open. What's the worst thing that could happen? He could deny knowing anything about them? They could be his? Doubt it. Ease your mind--ask him.

TIG,<P>This is a personal choice. What each person would do probably has much to do with personality type (or something more complex). I can only let you know what I would have done, I would have asked. As calmly as I could and trying to find a good timing (is there ever such a thing as good timing...?). If I hadn't confronted I am sure mine would have been in denial longer "I am not sure I've done anything wrong..." - BAH! He knows now!<P>If he has a great sense of humor, then go with Lady Cluelesses advice, it gave me a laugh.<P>On this snooping thing, I'm just not sure where the boundaries should be. Guess that's specific to each marriage and relationship, but a car... I don't know, that's not like a diary or anything, not personal and private. <P>BINthereDUNthat, I agree with you! We're probably the same personality type. Don't know if confronting is always good but that's me and that's actually what I want from myself.<P>Good luck!<BR>-she-