can any one help me We have 4 childern and my wife head an affair. she said that it was over and the man lives in another state and they do have e-mail contact. she says that she feels used and feels like an idoit but she still e-mals him! I ehave not shown any anger towards her I talk calmly to her and she said that our marriage is wroth saving but why does she still e-mail him ? I'm very confused here and this is taking up most of my time trying to figure it all out! if my 14 year old daughter finds out my wife will lose everything she has gained over the years with her I do not want this to happen. I really need some help thank you<P>------------------<BR>

(((Dad)))<BR>Welcome. Sorry you find yourself in this position. The best thing you can do right now is to read through all the information on this site. Also, the book Surviving An Affair is very helpful to try to understand what you are going through as well as what you W is going through. As most here will tell you, the only way for your marriage to recover is for your W to end ALL contact with OM. That is a lot easier said than done for some. Continue to stay as calm as you can and come here if you need to vent. I'm sure you'll get other helpful advice. You've definitely come to the right place. Read and post. I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

Dad100234,<P>I found out 5 months ago that my wife of 17 years (and 3 children) had an A. My hugs to you also. Try to read the introductory material on this website. Also try finding Harley's books and reading them (a couple of times). Don't leave them out and try to force your WS to read them. This will be a marathon, not a sprint. You can't be demanding or forcing at this point. We've been counseling with Steve Harley for almost three months now and he is helping each of us develop a plan for the future that will help (I hope) strengthen our marriage. I feel better about myself after this counseling and I'm working on myself which might also make me attractive to my own WS.<P>Use this forum to get help on specific questions that you have about your feelings, what to say, or do. Sometimes I'll commit a LB and then realize that I should have gotten an opinion or two from the more experienced folks on this web site. I don't tell these folks enough but they are a big help.<P>One last comment, don't involve the kids if at all possible. You sound very worried about what your daughter will think. Don't tell her and don't have discussions in front of her with your WS. My 11 year old son found out about the A same night I did (he woke up when he overheard my reaction to the love letter I found). Him knowing about the A made my wife withdraw more and I think it has made recovery more difficult.<BR>SG

Yes, try to keep the children out of it at all costs. It will be turned against you when they start to defend you against the W. And they will. They are hurting maybe more than you when they find out. Then they do placeblame and get in the middle of everything. They are trying to help but it only makes things much worse. Your W will think you are turning the kids on her and will not believe that what the kids say is their feelings, not what you told them. <P> I know because this is happening to me. Keep the kids out of it as much as possible. And when they do find out demand that they respect their mother. While at the same time be their for them all the time. VERY IMPORTANT.<P> jd

Thank you all for the help!! No We do not talk infront of the kids about this. I know how important it is not to get the kids involved. I have been really trying to keep my mind for exploding! This is all I think about 7 days aweek. I stay home with the kids and my wife is in the army and she was gone for a whole year in koerea. This is how the affair started. I have gone through most of this web site and I have read alot here. But how do I get my wife to stop e-mailing this man. I have talk to here till I'm blue in the face and I have been very open to her about everything but I still find her going back to e-mailing him. I have read some of the e-mails just to try to understand what is going on inside of her and the things she says about me are just not true. It sounds like my wife has been living a diffrent life in the e-mails she lies so much about me. What she tells him are just lies It sounds to me that she is trying to get him to feel sorry for her? I have always been very honest with my family and that's how my childern are with us. This is something that I feel so strong about being honest with eachother and when I have to go behind her back to see what is going on makes me feel very ugly inside<BR>I will not give up on this I love my wife very much but something went very wrong for this to happen to us .We are going to see a marriage councler this month and my wife has agreed to go. I have not made any demands but for one to get this man out of our lives how can we get things going with this other person still waiting in the wings. My 14 year old does know something is very wrong and she she read my face and I can't hide my emotions to well! All the kids ask me what is wrong Daddy you seem so sad. This is killing me because the are looking for answers that I can not give to them. My wife and I never seem to have the time to talk about all this but I think about it every day and I just want to feel normale again.I know this is going to be a very rough ride but I love my wife so much and I won't give up anything worth having is worth the fight but god how it all hurts so Thanks again everybody thank you for your kind words and thoughts

Hugs, hugs hugs to you. Hang in there. It really does take so much time to get over and try to start recovery. We are here for you. Work on yourself, plan A when you can. You are trying and therefore you have nothing to feel ashamed about. You can be strong. Prayers to you!<P>Deb<BR>

Hi Dad100234,<P>I would like to welcome you to marriage builders. It is a hard road you are traveling, carrying your family and trying to remain stable and steady while helping your wife. <P>Here is the general welcome package we like to share with new ones to help familarize you with the tools available here at MB. Books, questionnaires, phone counseling services are just a few of the tools available. Many have found the combinations very useful in helping them better themselves, learn about themselves and how to help their spouse. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>The stories here are real, painful and many. The support here is good. Many of us have been helped survive to the next day and on and on. Eventually we are able to look back and see the progress we have made. Sometimes it appears that we are forced backward. Here we learn to support each other and it helps us to stand up and move forward. <P>You will have support here. Keep posting your questions and situation. Read all the info here. <P>Take Care, <BR>L. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited September 06, 2001).]

Be strong in the Lord for your kids. Yes, they are perceptive little boogers, aren't they?<P>Many of the Harley Q&As and articles will help you get some understanding as to all the how's and why's of affairs, in general. I believe you will find this website very valuable in your recovery--apart from the forums.<P>Will remember to keep you in my prayers.

Dad100234,<P>I am so sorry you have to be where you are! I understand that you are hurting, feeling scared, and are confused! <P>You have been given excellent advice here and Orchid's link takes you to a great summary! <P>You are going in the right direction, you have both committed to counseling, which is great and gives good hope! You are also doing great as you recognize the need to minimize LB'ing. Make sure you don't keep it all inside and end up being depressed! Talk about your feelings and what scares you with your W in calm, constructive ways. If you blow up, that's understandable. Just tell her you are doing your best and that you are hurting deeply. Tell her that you will not blow up forever, it's a reaction to something very painful. <P>Let us know how you are managing.<BR>-she-<BR><p>[This message has been edited by she (edited September 06, 2001).]