My H and I have been married for 5 years. I found out in July that my H was having an emotional affair with two women. I love him so much that I thought that I could forgive him and move on because I knew that I still wanted to be with him. We started over and our love was never stronger. He went on a 4 day trip on August 31st, and I stayed home. I went to a club and I met someone I ended up sleeping with. I didn't have any further contact with him nor did I want to.<P>When my H came back he knew that something was wrong. After a long coversation I ended up confessing and begging for him to forgive me. He said he couldn't and over the past couple of weeks we have gone through a series of emotional ups and downs. One minute he hates me and the next he is telling me he loves me and still wants to have children with me. He says that he is confused and that I don't understand what he feels.<P>I love this man with all my heart, and I know he still loves me. I think that he is afraid that I'll do it again, hurt that I could do that to him when we working out our problems, and ashamed of me. I try to tell him what I feel and what I felt, but my every word is used against me.<P>What can I do? He says he wants a divorce.

I don't know if I can be of much help to you, but I saw you had no replies and since mine tend to alwasy get ignored on boards I thought I'd respond <P>I really am not sure the MB strategy for this, I am fairly new here and new to this, but I would say don't TELL him, SHOW him. By filling his emotional needs. You may have to be creative if he refuses physical affection and such, but try any way you can. Telling him of course works, also maybe stopping asking for his forgiveness, he can't give it right now. Just continue to tell him you are sorry, you love him. And show him anyway you can....have you been to counselling? If not contact one on your own and say you need to find out how to not do these things when your really love him, you hate that you hurt him. Invite him to come.<P>Of course I could be way off base here and someone else can help you more. But you were in the wrong, so you have some making up to do. Not necessarily grovelling, but that was a big LB so it may take time....<P>hang in there! I am rooting for you.

Why would you do this. You did not even love the guy. If I were your H I would think you were a sl*t. You better figure out why you did it and fix it. In the mean time you should beg your H forgiveness and show him this was a one time thing and not your true character.

pooh--<P>Welcome to MB...I'm glad you are here to work on your marriage...<P>If you go to the <I>Just found out</I> forum you will find the general welcome, acronyms, noteable posts, etc.<P>I also recommend that you go to basic concepts and read. There is lots of good information. <P>Finally, if you haven't read any of the Harleys' books, I would recommend Surviving an Affair, Love Busters and His Needs/Her Needs.<P>Both you and your H have hurt each other in different ways...Your job now is to find out why...what barriers have you built up with one another and how can you break them down...what emotional needs do you both have and how can you each meet those needs for one another...<P>I encourage your seeking professional help...a marriage counselor or setting up an phone app't with Steve or Jennifer (info on the home page).<P>Good Luck...<BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

First of all (((smokeypooh))) big hugs going out to you. You made a mistake. Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone. You are here because you know you made a mistake. I don't agree with what Champ said. I'm sorry if you get flamed here for admitting a mistake. The fact that your guilt got to you right away and you confessed to your H is a VERY GOOD THING. I believe (as I'm sure your H may believe, but won't admit) that you had a "revenge" A. I do not feel that your marriage was stronger than ever, or you would have had NO need to have that one night stand. Ask your H what you can do to show him that you are truly sorry and that you want to recover your marriage. Find the EN's questionnaire on this site and print it out and ask your H if he will fill them out with you. Suggest counseling for you both together. If he loves you, give him time if you can to cool off. You know how much his EA's affected you, so don't think the painful feelings will be any less for him. Ask him to give you some time to prove your love for him. By the way, he should be proving his love for you as well! Invite him to this website, so that he can see that there is so much hope for both of you and your marriage. I will pray for you and your H. Come here and post as often as you need.<P>MOM

Whoops Champ! Watch those disrespectful judgements and name calling. Not allowed here at MarriageBuilders.

Thank you for your responses. I was a little offended by Champ's response, but that is to be expected. I felt like a sl-t right afterwards, that's why I confessed. I think about it now, and I think that if I hadn't said anything we would be okay. I don't think my H realizes that his EA hurt me just as bad as my A hurt him.<P>I really want to make my marriage work. I love my husband to death. We were just about to try to have a baby. I think back to what I did everyday.

Nice, Champ. Very helpful. <P>Welcome smokeypooh. There are a lot of helpful people here, just keep reading and posting.<P>------------------<BR>When we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen - there will be something there for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly.

Smokeypooh,<P>It is good that you have come to this site. Virtually everyone here is truly interested in being helpful to WS as well as BS. <P>Research has shown that for most women the emotional involvement of their H in an affair is more painful than the physical aspect. Ironically, for most men it is the physical part of their W's affair that distresses them more than the emotional part. So you see that your experiences combine the mosst painful aspects of infidelity for each of you. <P>Your regret and willingness to be open and learn from both of the affairs is a very hopeful sign for your marriage.<P>Reading the material on MB will help you both tremendously.<BR>Be patient and keep in mind that it will take time for your H to work through the images he has in his mind about you<BR>and the other man. That seems to be a real issue for men<BR>to get past. Given time, I think your prospects for recovery are good.<P>Best wishes, Estes

First let me say I did not mean to offend any one. But I do not believe that an affair is a mistake, it is a deliberate action that brings devestating consequences. <P>What I do not understand is you said your marriage was great in July and than your H leaves for 4 days and you are sleeping with some guy you just met. <P>I do believe that most marriages can recover from an affair but only if the root cause is dealt with.

pooh,<P>Seems like I'm not the only one to get caught in a revenge A. Easier said than done but don't be hard on yourself - I don't believe in mistakes. We all make our choices and sometimes the reason why isn't so damned obvious that it jumps out and hits you in the face. And sometimes we loose our reason. And sometimes perhaps we just needed something. Who knows. And if we did, does it change anything?<P>If you're intent on staying with your H - focus on him. Put everything else out of your mind. Develop a good Plan A and take time to show him your love. Rebuilding the trust aspects and his love for you is going to take both of you time. Getting over the hurt from the As can either go quickly or it can be left hanging over your heads for a long time.<P>I guess both of you have to make a decision on either staying in the past or moving towards a future, hopefully together. To avoid the judgements which he's making ask him to listen to you and have him talk about his feelings. Keep talking - and try to drop the LBs.<P>good luck,<P>- Freddy,<P>PS. I like the name - pooh, very Taoist.<P><BR>