Hello All!!! Background affair started 5/00 and First of many D-Days 1/01. Ws was on the fence for many months. Her OM is expecting his first child in 2 months. She is showing signs of coming out of the fog. However she still speaks of me and the kids of being selfish etc. She doesnt like the topic of her relationship, not for a second. She is still very moody, her nice days are still very rare. I'm sure I dont help either, if we do have a good day together, I some how LB it by trying to talk about us instead of just enjoying our time together. I feel the OM is still somewhat in the picture and thats why she is still dragging her feet. So lets here it what do you think?? Thanks Will!

There is no good answer but you should by all means inform the OM's wife. The chances are that the OM will cut off your wife immediately. Your wife needs to be in counseling immediately. If she believes that you are selfish by not allowing her to continue a sexual affair with another married man then it may be time for you to decide how much are you willing to take and why. Good Luck.

Well maybe this post was premature as I lost my mind today and blew my top(Enormous LB)! I dont know where this is heading anymore!

C'mon any WS's have any input? PLEASE!

Will,<P>I am a FWS. I think the moodiness comes from actually breaking it off with the OM or that he broke it off with her. Then, of course, that makes you and your kids very selfish. It's like going thru a grieving process over losing someone very dear to you.<BR>It will take much patience and love on your part for her to come back to reality and even begin to see what she has in front of her.<P>I am only sharing from my perspective. If my H hadn't showed extreme love and care when I finally broke things off with the OM, I would have known that I had made a mistake in trying to make my marriage work. Instead he was the most patient and loving and caring man I had ever seen. He never talked of what we were doing or where we were going, but how was I doing. Was I going to be okay. He let me know that he knew how much I was hurting and he was there for me.<BR>he never talked of how much he was hurting even tho now I know he was very hurt. He centered all his concern for me.<BR>I find that so amazing now. but in the beginning, I didn't appreciate it at all.<P>So hang in there. If you truly want your marriage back, show her how much you love and care for her period. Expect nothing in return. <P>That's my 2 cents worth.<BR>Debbie

Wil, hang in there buddy! I'm in much the same boat as you. I'm not sure if all contact with OM has ended but have a sneaking suspision it's severaly curtailed if nothing else. This is very tough man! I've found that if I avoid "us" issues completely, thngs are quite friendly. It's very confusing to see her smile and want to hold her and have it turn into a "you're pressuring me!" LB. It's like walking a tightrope. I find what is acceptable and not through trial and error. If her mood changes then I know I'm on a poor tack. I also find that it helps if I get away for a while and recharge my batteries. When I start to feel anxious, it's time for a break! Best of luck to yu!!!

Thanks Guys! I know what your saying, I just feel like she almost makes it. Then BAM! She's right back there with him again. Nothing to gain for her, hes about to be a dad. What a mind set she is in.<BR> As for the advice of being there for her I guess I blew that yesterday when I made it sound about me too. I kind of attacked her relationship with him his wife a newborn and her, I also brought in all those negative things of tearing my heart out and Continously not telling the truth etc. Although today she acted as if nothing happened.<BR> I do know there is contact, that Iam not guessing. This is where my patience is running thin.

Will,<P>I know the pain you're going through, I really do because I've been there too but at this moment you are being your own worst enemy.<P>Like most BSs I was (somewhat) obsessing on my Ws A and her OM. I used to think that the A was the cause of my marital problems. That the OM was a problem and that my W couldn't keep her comittments. <P>I probed, cried. LB'ed and got judgemental. My W used to say to me 'if you carry on like this, you'll be the one to break up our marriage'. She wanted to have fun and I wanted to discuss her A. <P>I became obsessed with the MB principle of no contact.I even used to check her phone bills to see if she still had but the problem is, none of this counts. The No Contact rule is for the WSs head - it removes the WS from the influences of the OP. It doesn't address what the BS has to do.<P>The affair is a symptom of your marrital sickness. For example, when a child gets chicken pox the doctor doesn't treat the spots he treats the virus. The spots are only the symptom of the illness. Now think of the OM as the spot. Your task is to work out what the illness is. And the treatment goes into your Plan A.<P>Concentrate only on what your W see's as the problems in your relationship. What is it that she needs from you? Develop this understanding into a good Plan A, commit yourself to it and drop all discussions of the A. If you do this, the fog will lift for you and your WS.<P>A good plan A will include spending time together - 15 hours a week - and doing fun things together.<P>Good luck and keep venting.<P>- Freddy

Thanks Freddie, Very well put. However I think I understand that pretty well. Im Like the WS when it comes to habit and cant stop. She was in contact yesterday today, I guess with it in front of me I feel like I have to let her know I know and tell her its unacceptable. Even though I know I should keep my mouth shut. Believe me I think I have prolonged this by stepping in every week or two and trying to "stop" it. I just find it so hard, I feel like anyone with just a pinch of common sence or decency would not let this go on. So I have this eternal battle going on that I keep loosing, even though I see her trying but going backwards. I usually dont step in until I see her going backwards, I dont jump at evry contact. She usually has a few then she starts to go back into the fog, and bingo I jump up again. I dont know, friend of mine says if Im going to do that then maybe I should just end it, who Knows....Will

ANY IDEAS, where to go from her? She is acting distant and questioning my I Love you's. "What and then your going to yell at me an hour later".