It has been a crazy weekend. I found out Sat night at a church festival that the OW is the cousin of a old co-worker of my H's. Now it makes more sense how he found out about the place to rent, but then again, he could have known her longer. The person who told me about this says my H also bought OW "a ring". Of course I have to be careful considering the source because the source is a pathalogical lier who never has liked me and really must have enjoyed hurting me.<p>As you know, I had written my H a plan B letter and asked for his assistance in limiting contact. You may also remember that he still takes kids to school every day and that he comes in talking to me/bringing me a piece of candy, etc like my best friend everyday. I asked him both in the letter and in person to back off and let me have the space I needed to get over him. It causes me pain to see him everyday because I still love and want him. He said he understood but continued same routine, other than leaving out the hugs he was giving me daily.<p>Anyway, Sat night, I think about spending another weekend alone and the "cousin" thing was bugging me so I left him a voice mail on his cell phone that said that I would take the kids to school this week, I needed the time and he could pick them up on Friday as scheduled for visitation.<p>I get up early this AM and get kids ready, even have time to fix breakfast thanks to the clocks moving back. Guess who pulls up? I asked him if he got my message, "what message?" he says.<p>I said, well since you're here you can take them but I'll do it from now on.<p>He sees I'm visibly upset and he goes on with "is that what you really want?" I explain that what I really want is for him to come home but since I can't have what I want, I'm having to do the best I can to move on.<p>We get into long conversation which I can't get into here but he says that the one thing that makes him happy is to come by to get kids and see me for a few minutes each morning. <p>I say things like, it hurts to let you go but as long as you are living with OW, I can't allow you to have it both ways. I explain that someday I might be able to be "just friends" but that for now I need more than that. I say that one day I'll have someone who makes me happy and meets my needs and being around H will not be so hard. <p>He says" I want to be the one who does that"<p>Can you beleive this? He is living with OW, never calls me or asks me out, doesn't help out with any house or yard stuff, barely gives enough $ to by groceries & pay power bill, meets none of my EN's, etc but HE WANTS TO BE THE ONE WHO MAKES ME HAPPY?<p>I said, then do it. Nothing is stopping you. You can make a big decision. You made the decision to move out, make one to move back in. Do something, but you cannot have it both ways. It isn't fair to me, OW, you or the kids.<p>Another stupid thing he said during this was when I said " do you think your new wife is going to put up with you being part of my life?" His answer was " she won't have any choice,will she? First of all that is stupid and unrealistic but secondly she supposedly doesn't mean that much to him, he's not sure if he loves her, he's not sure if they have a future together.......<p>Should I just have him committed????? He is so deep off his rocker, I'm going nuts. <p>I asked him to stay outside tomorrow and not come into the house as he pretty much refused to just let me take them myself. I don't want to deny the kids the chance to see him but I can't continue to have my day's ruined by a stressful morning each day. <p>I have done nothing today but worry and think about this and what he said, wondering if it means there is hope for our marriage, etc. That was the whole reason I wanted him to stay away, so I could have some time and space and protect my feelings since he refuses to end relationship with OW.<p>Please pray for me.... PP<p>I left out the part where he says he has recurring dream about our divorce.
He says he goes to sleep most of the time thinking about why this is happening to us. He says he always dreams that he is dying. That he figures all this happened to prepare us for him dying.<p>I didn't know what to say except that maybe he was afraid that I would think about him being dead. Sort of like burying the past and blocking someone out of my life as if they had died.<p>I did tell him that some people handle divorce like a death because they have to pretend that the ex is dead to them to get over it. He swears with tears in his eyes that he doesn't want it to be this way with me. I didn't know what to say but I said it would that death would have been easier than divorce for me because at least there would not have been rejection involved. I don't guess that was the right thing to say.<p>I'm a bit worried. I know he is still very clinically depressed. I'm not his keeper and I know he has to be a grown up and want help for himself but I'm worried about him and these dreams. Right before he moved out he admitted to being suicidal due to the stress. Could this be happening again? He swears that he would never hurt the kids that way but I know he is very confused right now. Should I be concerned?<p>PP

(((peoplepleaser))) My H went through a similar time. He was talking of suicide and how it might be easier than trying to "figure out" the mess he'd made. But, you are right, he has to want things to be better for himself. There is only so much you can do for him. You've let him know that you love him and want your marriage. He's still waffling because, unfortunately, any decision made at this point is going to hurt someone. My H said and did the same things. He wanted to be the one who made me happy, yet he continued to hurt me. My prayers go out to you. Stay strong in your Plan B efforts, they will pay off for you and make you stronger, whatever the outcome is.<p>MOM

O peoplepleaser...<p>Do I understand...my H is saying that he doesn't want to 'leave' me and the kids until he has us in a house and we are more financially secure...<p>He still wants to be able to drop in and be a daily part of kids life and mine...<p>He argues with me when I say that I will not be a part of his family if we divorce...<p>Since he has moved out, I would agree with your decision to not have to see him so often...I told my H the same thing...if we separate that I will need time to get over him...that it will be too painful to see him all the time...he didn't like it any better than your H...and when I talked about finding someone who would love me and take care of me the way I deserved...H lost it...<p>There's a whole lotta confusion in their heads...<p>Take care, <p>Cali

PP,
If you could STAY away long enough in Plan B, I think he would come out of the fog. The idea of plan B is to let the OW fill ALL of his EN's. If she were doing this, he would NOT need to see you and be REASSURED. He comes over and talks to you to make sure he still has you as an option. When you reassure him, he can go back to OW and feel safe that you aren't going anywhere. If you could stay away long enough he would have a chance to REALLY miss you. <p>I know that you are having trouble saying NO to his NEED-get that "NEED" to talk to you. The OW is not supplying that EN, you are. He needs to miss it but you are not letting him miss you long enough.<p>Plan B is NO contact. He can't stand that. The more you pull away the more he wants to see you and talk to you. <p>Make him know what it is like to really miss you. Stay away!!!<p>You may really have a chance here. He can't stand the thought of you moving on. So move on!!<p>Come on guys. Don't you agree?

Well another day and another opportunity for him to completely ignore my wishes.
I had kids ready this morning when he pulled up. Son was actually standing outside with his bookbag. BUT not only does he come in, he brings me the insurance cards for the kids, eats a piece of leftover pizza, takes his shoes off and goes upstairs to use the bathroom, talks to me about the new terroist threats, fixes a bracelet of mine the kids broke and comments on how good the chili beans I'm cooking smell.<p>Does this sound like respect for my Plan B attempt?<p>Overall, it was a pleasant conversation and I didn't get upset or anything, but it was definately not what I had intended. <p>It is not in my personality to be just plain rude, plus I don't think being a B**** is going to help matters any. I know that one of the MB principles is being strong but that home must be established as a "Safe" place to return. I am so confused. How can I be strong without sounding like I've given up? I am really worried about turning my back on him. I know I am being taken advantage of by his living with OW and that I'm very emotional due to my lonliness, etc. I am trying my best to apply MB principles but what happens when you don't get the cooperation of the WS?<p>Let the counseling commence.........<p>PP

Perhaps you need to position yourself at the door so that you are actually physically blocking his entrance.<p>Have the kids ready. Send them out. And stand in the doorway so that he cannot just enter.<p>You have to set the boundry, and unfortunately you have to ENFORCE it. You need to be more aggressive.<p>I may be wrong, but it sounds like you are somewhere in the house when he arrives, and he just enters and wanders around doing what he pleases. You have to be the one to put a stop to that.

This morning I was standing at the stove browning hamburger to put in the chili. He came in the kitchen door. I looked at him and he had the insurance cards for the kids( he put them on his cov. 11-1). I allowed that because I needed the cards and that conversation was regarding the kids.<p>I know I should have put a stop to it after and I did say a few times for the kids to go get in the truck, they had to go.... However, I did exactly what several others here have said and allowed him to draw me into a comfortable conversation which met his needs. I unfortunately am a talker and he exploits that fact. He knows I can't resist. Thank goodness he only wants to talk because I don't think I want to be the postergirl for what NOT to do in Plan B.<p>Thanks for everyone's advice. I'm listening....
PP

peoplepleaser,
Do you have a neighbor who you could "switch places with" in the mornings? Just long enough for your H to pick up the kids and have you NOT be there? Just a thought.<p>MOM

No neighbor but for the rest of the week I'm going to leave as soon as he gets there, even if my hair is wet and I have to put my pantyhose on in the car (should make for a good show in the parking garage at work) <p>I hate being inconvienced by him. I'm not a morning person but I'll have to get over it I guess. <p>Although I have been advised not to send any more plan b letters, as such, I did write my H a quick note reinforcing my reasons for no contact. What do you think?<p>(H),
I am very worried about you. I want to be there for you but nothing has really changed on your part. As long as you choose to live with OW and continue your relationship with her, I shouldn&#8217;t be part of your daily life. I know this is hard. It is not what I want but decisions you have made to continue your current lifestyle make things impossible for me. <p>Monday, you seemed to understand what I was saying when I told you it was too much for me to just be your friend right now. I want more than anything to support you and help you and the best way of doing that is to let you see how living without me in your life is going to feel. This is not a test. It just isn&#8217;t fair that you expect me to go along with and be ok with your living arrangements. You are not doing anything to help our marriage. You expect me to talk to you every morning as if we were still together as a married couple. Guess what? We are not living together and I cannot pretend to be your wife when you will not allow me to meet all your needs. I said Monday that you couldn&#8217;t have it both ways. The days of having your cake and eating it too are over.<p>Either you decide to move out of her house and cut all contact with her or you cut all contact with me. I don&#8217;t like this anymore than you do, but it is not fair to me to float along day-by-day misinterpreting your words or actions. I suppose that is the biggest problem. Your words give me hope and your actions slap me down. By refusing to move out of her house, you are sending a message load and clear that you have no respect for my feelings and do not care about me. This may sound harsh but put yourself in my shoes and look at this from my point of view.<p>You told me Monday that you wish you could be the person who was meeting my needs. Well, someone once told me to wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one filled up first. Gross I know but true. Your words and all the wishing in the world are not going to bring us back together. There must be action behind the words. Nothing is impossible, especially with God&#8217;s help. <p>Honestly, I would like to know where you see yourself 6 months from now. Are you prepared to be divorced? If you have any hope that we can work things out, you should act upon it now and try. If not, please let me go so I can find happiness without you. <p>We have been over this time and time again and now it is up to me to take a stand and live up to the boundaries I&#8217;m trying to establish. It is unrealistic for me to be part of your life while you are involved with another woman. I want to be your wife but I cannot share you with another woman. It is all of you or none of you. <p>I&#8217;m still praying for a chance to show you how good we can be together but right now, it has to start with you. I&#8217;ve done all I can except pray. I love you,<p>
TOO MUCH???? PP

found out today my H has a lawyer. So much for all that BS he was feeding me Monday about wanting to meet my needs, wishing none of this had ever happened, etc.<p>I'm not giving him the note. I'm not giving him anything. I know this shouldn't bother me but it does. <p>I'm so annoyed at myself and my inability to stand up for myself.<p>Thanks for your patience.<p>PP

Hi- Just because he has a lawyer, doesn't mean it is over. Distance yourself and let him miss you. I understand... because, I am having trouble not calling my husband... but when he gets to be alone or without me... it kicks in... and he gets to see what it is really like without me... I also have to be strong because My husband wants to act like we can work things out... but the money... moving out, etc.. girlfriend, all are a big slap in the face.. at least mine is supposedly not seeing the other woman, due to the fact she broke it off... I lost it, and attacked her physically... do not try this. but she backed off... I am now in more trouble with assault charges... I do not want to go into full story... but I was provoked and drinking... and I am glad it if off. She is totally a psycho woman, a sx addict and an atheist.... What a woman! Anyway, it is hard all the way around. I feel your pain. I will pray for you. Good luck!

PeoplePleaser,<p>I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I am in a very similiar situation. The only difference is my husband lives out of town with the ow and only comes over about every three weeks. He calls about once a week. <p>The ow does not like him seeing "the kids". This has been devastating to me and my girls. They are 13 and 16 and were very close to their dad before he left.<p>I am in a position where we were getting along really good and even started dating. He prayed the other night and asked God to make a way for him to get out of this affair. Well a few days later he tells me he thought he was ready to come home but he is not. I lost it and went off with telling him how could you do this to me and the girls. He had told them he was coming home soon and to keep praying for him. He has come home twice in 4 months.<p>The last thing he spoke to me was "leave me alone!" and then hung up on me. I left him a voice mail but he has not called in a week. This will be the longest time we have not talked if he doesn't call tomorrow.<p>I have also tried to do the "No Contact" thing with him. It lasted two days. He ened up emailing me asking if I wanted to get on without him. He sounded so scared of losing me. <p>I do not understand these men. How can they live with ow and expect to have us as their wives when their needs aren't being met?<p>I don't know what to say except to keep praying and asking God to show you the way. Each situation is so individual that only God knows what will bring our WS home.<p>I will pray for you!<p>Pray2day

H calls at 10:20 tonight.
Catches me already asleep and wants to know what is wrong? Like another poster here, I hate that ?.<p>He says from the tone of my message that I am taking the lawyer thing the wrong way. Says that I'm the one who told him to get a lawyer. That nothing had changed, the agreement was still like it was, he was not fighting anything.<p>In my sleeply state, I blew Plan B again, I guess. I talked too much. I told him most of what the note had said. I told him that his actions spoke louder than words and that I just couldn't do this anymore. He tried to turn things around by saying that I want him to open up and share how he feels but when he does, I use it against him. <p>I just said that I could be telling the kids I loved them and beating the he!! out of them at the same time. Which would they beleive? The words or the action?<p>As I said I was half asleep and don't remember everything I said but I did say he had to make a decision that either I was in his life or I was not. <p>He has to be on his job at 10:45 so time was short. I asked him again what his plans were for the kids. He wants to pick them up at the house ( so he can see me). He says if you want to, you can go with us. FOG!!!!<p>I said, no I can't. Don't you get this. It is not about what I want. It is about me not being willing to share you with another woman any longer. <p>Times up..Gotta go.... Now I'm wide awake and mad at myself all over again. <p>PP