Hi all, <p>This is going to be long, but please, bear with me. I was about to post my new topic, then while reading today's posts found TnT's post "OW invasion...". With some variations, this is another of a kind ... what a devious one OW is!<p>TnT, I didn't want to jump into your thread with this, but hope if you read it you would feel better. At least, we're in the same boat, if it's any confort. <p>For those who don't know my story: H&I are both 38, engineers, together 18, married 14y, one D, 13. D day May/00 (EA), H attempted suicide July/00 for OW, 1 month in mental inst., then moved out allegidly to BIL's place (only 1/2 mile from OW apartment). If not earlier, EA turned to PA Sept/00. Moved in with us again Feb/01, daily contact continued. OW is 32, co-worker, H's assistant! H refuses to stop contact with her, nor he wants to change job, or ask for her to transfer. She was transferred to other dept, but turned back to old position after sick leave April/01. Needles to say, no recovery can take place while H forbids me to visit him at workplace or wait for him in front of his office building, while he denies me access to his mail and cell phone (angry outbursts if I only try), refuses to talk with me about anything that has to do with OW, no matter how innocent a topic is. I can go on and on... <p>Dec/00 OW was diagnosed stage 3 ovarian cancer, undergo major surgery (all reproductive organs, appendics, part of omentum and lymphatic nodes were affected and removed), 6 chemos, and second-check surgery in June/01. To my knowledge, she's ok now, but God knows for how long. Two months ago, her father was diagnosed bone cancer, already metasthised. <p>Now comes the ugly part: my FIL suddenly died Oct4 of brain stroke. I did my best to support H, MIL and BILs and be there for them. Yes, H&I acted as family, and he asked me for help. I was pretty sure OW will show up at funeral, so I thought I should maybe tell H to ask her not to come, but then decided to leave it up to H. Hoped he was clever enough to figure out she has nothing to do there, especially when he knew it will hurt both me and D. <p>You bet, she showed up and had a nerve to pass her condolences and KISSES to ALL of us, one by one. When she closed her cheek to mine for kiss, I told her in whisper: "Thanks for coming, you didn't have to. Now you can just stay ... " I know this was very rude of me, and far from what I am, but after all she has done to us, I couldn't stop myself, just felt an urge to do something, say something. My D refused to shake hands with her. <p>Oh, she used it big time next day in office, telling everybody who wanted to listen how devious I am, poor my H, living with witch who is capable of saying such an ugly thing to a cancer patient. She cried to my H asking to protect her, and God knows what else. <p>So, when he came home, he made a scene, worse then any of those I have seen from him. Honestly, I don't know who was that yelling and cursing person, completely out of his mind, slamming doors and calling me the worst imaginable names. He took my cell phone and driving license, said I'm a devil itself in human body, he can't ever imagine to live with me a single minute, he's leaving, my behaviour is despicable, he had it enough, I made him think his decision to come back home was the worst one in his life ... you name it. Then D came from school and he verbally attacked her as well. Yelled at her saying "this is the last time in your life that you act so disrespetfully to someone who came to pay tribute to my father! Everybody can come to my father's funeral! Everybody! I want you to apopogize to her!" D vas very sad, crying for her father choose OW over her.<p>H took his pouch, said "I don't know when will I come back", slammed the front door and left. Came back some two hours later, didn't say a word, but looked like zombi - numb, inconsistent, like seriously mentally ill person. Just sat on the couch, I gave him a blanket and he fell asleep shortly after. Nothing happened that night, nor any other day later. He just stayed at home, as if nothing happened, allthough he looks very distant and avoids affection. <p>Only 3 weeks later, FIL's brother died of cancer (sad, but kinda expected). And the history repeats: OW came at funeral, but this time didn't only pass her condolences to uncle's wife and sons, but choose appropriate moment (when both D and I were looking into that direction)to approach MIL and her S, and started friendly and obviously affectionate chatting with both of them. I couldn't believe my eyes: OW acted like she wanted to remove a hair from MIL's coat, then she took MIL's hand and kept it for a minute chatting with MIL, then MIL caressed OW on head. Finally, OW chatted a bit with MIL's S hand in hand! D saw it and wanted us to leave graveyard immediatey. H was somewhere around, but later on I learned he saw that scene, but didn't react. he never reacts, he's typical conflict avoider. <p>A devious snake (I mean, OW) sneaked into church the next day, prayed a mass, and went straight on chatting with aunt and MIL in front of church. D
said nothing, MIL barely looked at me, didn't return hello. When passing by me, passed by just as if I don't exist. Both BILs, aunt and MIL said hello to HER, not me. D stayed beside me, chatting with deciesed uncle sons, but
said no single word on what is happening. This time I was really close to set a scene!<p>That evening D tried to speak with H over what happened at funeral. Once agin,poor one received lip service about how rude she is, and that she needs to watch her behaviour - OW knew deciesed uncle even before she new him (false!),
she came to express her condolences to the family, and pay tribute to his
uncle, D's behaviour is highly unacceptable - everybody is entitled to come
to the funeral, and what once happened or will happen should be put aside on funerals!<p>D tried to argue-OK, if she was to pay tribute to uncle, but what on earth she has to do with MIL and aunt, kissing and chatting with them, instead of seeing uncle's family? D told him she was very upset with that. Once again she heard the very same story - her behaviour is unnacceptable, he can't prevent anybody from coming to the funeral, it was OW's decision to come and he didn't even discuss it with her, but she is also free to speak with whom ever she wanted! If this bothers D, that's her problem, what has been has to
be put aside on funerals.<p>A was soooo hurt, I can't tell how much. Told me she accomplished nothing by talking to him, she feels as she has no father any more, he cares more of OW than her .... she cried her eyes out, hushed in my arms and slept with me on couch in the living room.<p>D asked me what am I about to do, and I said I'm going to ask him out, as soon as I get my credit card bills payed (I owe him), and when I get his car back (at mechanics's, due to accident I had). The very same day I am going to ask him to move his things out before I come back from work. I was very close to tossing him out at funeral day, regardless of all other circumstances, only this funeral thing prevented me. I mean, it would be inapropriate if I set a scene at the day of funeral.<p>H barely said 'morning today, only after I said. Act as if nothing happened, but shows no affection at all - didn't kiss me goodnight yesterday, but did kiss D, nor he kissed me good morning or goodbye when left me at workplace
after mass. <p>Part 3: yesterday morning, brother of uncle's wife died (cancer, again). And we haven't yet buried uncle's ashes, it was scheduled for Nov 5. On top of all that, all my credit cards were cancelled in the meantime, because my company didn't pay my business travel bills on time. And credit cards were on H's name, two out of three I had. Only one was mine. My God, is there anything else that can happen? Am I going to undergo those graveyard scenes with OW once again? <p>I feel like screeming, really. <p>Think I need all your support I can get, feel really down. <p>
Love,
Adrian<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: Adrian ]</p>

Adrian,<p>Your situation is just so sad. I am just so incredibly sad to hear about all that been happening in your life. And that your daughter is so affected as well. <p>That must have been incredibly hard to deal with, not only the loss of the family members but the OW and her craftiness, munipulation. She is so self-centered. Somehow, she has been able to turn the death of some important people in your husbands life - into the focus on her. Don't feed this fire. It is out of control.<p>I think I would go to the Dr. and get a tranquilizer or two - for the next funeral. It would make things worse if you cause a scene, believe me. And, I just don't know how you must feel to have your daughter feeling so rejected by her father.<p>Your daughter must be feeling like you did on D-day right now. So horrible. Do everything you can to comfort your daughter, and explain to her that her father is not choosing OW over her, it isn't about that - it is about your husband being in a fog.<p>How do you explain "fog" to a child? I am not sure, so I sure hope some others are able to hop in here and give some advice.<p>You need to be the sane one here, you need to be the one that does all the right things, you need to be the strength for everyone. You cannot allow OW's devious behavior to get to you. You cannot let your guard down, but you cannot point it out to your husband either at this point.<p>If he is a conflict avoider, then you certainly have to tread lightly when you are dealing with issues that cause you and your daughter to feel injustice. He will only see you and your daughter as the problem, not the root. <p>Conflict avoider WH see the BS as the problem and not the OW. Typically, the person who brings the problem to light is seen as the problem, not the problem itself. Did that make sense? I'm sure you've already figured that out.<p>When the 'problem' becomes such a problem for them directly, then they deal with it. You can't force the issue for them, because they run away, withdraw, rant or rave to get you to keep you from bringing the problem up, or whatever.<p>It is like this, for example:<p>Conflict avoider does not see children, because it makes conflict avoider feel guilty. If the spouse tries to make conflict avoider realize that it is a problem to not see children, then conflict avoider will see spouse as problem. Conflict avoiders cannot see the real problem until it affects them, then they will deal with it. So, when conflict avoider's pain of not seeing kids is greater than the guilt of seeing kids - then they try to solve the problem.<p>So, anytime you try and discuss anything that is seen as injustice to your daughter, or to yourself, you are seen as the problem - not the injustice. He will see daughter as the problem (not the injustice) as well.<p>Let OW do what she will do. You cannot stop it, control it, influence it, or anything. You must spend your energy on controlling yourself, comforting your daughter and make the environment at your home the place where your husband wants to be. Let OW bring all the problems to your husband, and make sure you are innocent. Soon enough your husband will see OW as the person who is the problem - because everytime he sees her she is making demands (lovebusters), she is accusing you of hurting her (lovebuster), she is making him feel like he is in a negative environment. <p>Hang in there and get those tranquilizers! <p>(((hugs)))
tnt<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</p>

Yuck! Your story left me with questions...<p>How old is your daughter?<p>Do you have your own source of income?<p>Why did he take your driver's license? Did he give it back?<p>What are you getting out of being married right now?<p>Sounds like there are a few more deaths to go through, before your husband will turn back to his marriage. In the mean-time, relations continue to disintegrate with each day that he protects her and dishonors your marriage.<p>He's more married to her than you; because all the benefits of marriage and fatherhood, especially protection, are the things he is offering her and depriving you and your daughter of.<p>I use a little decision making process that might help you.<p>First I take out two sheets of paper. On the first sheet, I write out all the things that could happen if I do one option (in your case, LEAVE). Make the list complete - including the best things that could happen and the worst things that could happen. Then on the other sheet of paper, I list all the things that could happen if I take Option B. Again, listing everything bad and good is essential.<p>When I've finished the two lists I draw a line at the bottom and highlight the very worst thing that could happen. I write it below that line and ask myself, "Can I live with that?" then I write the very best thing on my list that could happen, and ask myself, "Is this worth having?" Then I repeat the process on the other paper.<p>When you've finished the process, then you can weigh the two decisions quite easily. If the worst thing that could happen already has, the decision becomes pretty easy.<p>BTW, I know what it's like to live with someone who is mentally ill. If my husband were refusing to take steps to correct the things in his life that contribute to his illness, I would never in a million years stay another minute. It's one thing to have compassion on him because he's sick. It's quite another to subject yourself AND your daughter to abuse. It's quite possible he needs help beyond your control, and until the illness is addressed, there is no use addressing the condition of the marriage.<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</p>

Dear Adrian,<p>I read your story and find it hard not to LB your H!!!!! Hm.... I had to calm down a bit before posting to you. I want to tell you to go the next funeral (sorry you are having such a run on these events) and remin the OW in front of everyone her true title OW!!!! or say OW you here again?!!? I am here because these are my families relatives, are you pretending to be related to them? Very rude thoughts, so I will put it in the back of my mind....<p>I know hug won't fix everything but here's a {{{big hug}}}. Wow, what a presumptuous OW and more importantly what a rude and callous H and father. <p>Protect yourself and your daughter. Does his family realize who this OW tramp is? That she is defaming his families reputation with her presence? <p>Ok, I need to back off for a moment and get more composed. I am truly offended by your H's behavior. Please reinforce your support group. <p>You say he later acts like nothing happened, why? Is he despondent or depressed? Even if he was, his behavior to your daughter is inexcusable and his behavior to you is just as bad. <p>Please take care of yourself. Keep posting here. <p>L.