Ughh, I absolutely hate this, but here it is. Staring me straight in the face. And it seems like I'm a snowball rolling down the hill towards 40...and I can't seem to stop thinking about how yesterday I was just 21??<P>On to my rambling question...why is 40 such a majorly chaotic stage to progress to, if at all? I have had friends get to this point and go through major trauma along the way, such as mid life crises...I am heading there and it seems like you have to reach out and grab life along the way, because it's the last memory you're gonna get. How many others are grappling with this? I feel as if the snowball effect is sucking, time goes too fast.

There are books and books and books on that subject, and everything I've read leads to this pivitol point. <P>It is <B>reassessment time</B>. <P>Like I've said a zillion times... I said to my H that I didn't want to spend the next 20 years like the last 20 yrs. They were mostly horrible, painful years with loads of baddies for both my H and me (and our children, of course).<P>It is embarrassing to be a cliche' and that's what I was. I had my affair 3 months after I turned 40. <P>But hey, so was my H. He had his affairs during his (ugh!) 7-year itch. <P>Yeah, I reached out and grabbed, but at the wrong things!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

If you think 40's bad wait till you hit 50. H will turn 50 next month. His affair started Sept.of 98. Midlife I guess. I went through some problems a few years back but thank to H's behavior anyone would think I am having a MLC. new career, moved a way fom where I have lived for 20 years, a new look, weight loss/ And it isn't even my MLC!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Sheryl,<P>Yep. There are so many books about middle age crazy, but how can we really deal with it effectively? I don't have the desire to look elsewhere because I've learned such a horrible lesson, but I feel like I've come to a crossroads somehow, like I've just graduated and without the diploma. My husband is becoming more and more receptive to our relationship, and just 1 short month ago, I didn't think this possible, and I thank God for this. But all of these thoughts are flying around in my head..like you have to grasp those last straws life has to offer...(not in extramarital affairs). It's so hard to explain, yet I feel that there's something missing. Sorry for the late night ramblings..

SDS..I've read how you've dealt with your situation, and I only have the utmost respect for you. You're handling it so well, I doubt many others could go that same route. <P>I think in defining "midlife" it's more of a mindset than an age...we can go through midlife in late 20's or 60's...depends upon the person. I just know I'm starting to feel pretty old right about now.

No prob Connor,<P>I agree about the graduation without the diploma analogy. I feel the same, even still. There is so much I wanted, still want, that feels out of my grasp now. But you know what? It isn't. We can thank society right now for this ONE good thing... people are not the same at 40, 50 and 60 as they were in years past. My own mother is going for her Ph.D right now, at 60. That's amazing to me (I'm very proud of her and she is my inspiration re: education). Hey, we may not have tomorrow (nobody is promised that) but we can live each day with some meaning and make some plans, like going back to school... life is far from over, God willing!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<P>So great that your mom is pursuing her PHD at 60, I would be so proud of her too!<P>There are so many things we have to look forward to, as obviously your mom has shown to you (and to herself!).<P>It's projecting the positive attitude, and that is not always so easy to come by. As far as those of us who have some obstacles to overcome. We can theoretically say that we "should" be able to get over it, and progress, but that's easier said than done. I know you know what I mean. It's just hard.

I'm right there with ya, Connor. Yes, I do understand. Wish someone else would chime in!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I had told my H once that I wwas going to be a hot sexy 50 year old. But I think I will change a little bit of that how about 48 year old. Mid life crisi is that point where we stop and think about what we didn't accomplish. Some then decide to stay there regretting other say well I didn't do the first part of my life so I'd better get busy and do it now. Some try to recatupre their youth hence the affiar usually with some one younger. and/or they slide into a depression. I don't want to grow old but since I have no choice I will do it gracefully, but looking, and doing the best I can. It is all in the way youdeal with the problem. Acceptance or regrets. I like to accept not regret. But it is also a time of reflection but then you need to have action, acceptance and then moving on with life. I hope I am not rambling too much. <BR>Thanks for the compliment Connor. I guess my philosophy is to go with the flow, deal with what you can, and let the other go. THere isn't much I can do right now but to go on and doing a lot of hoping and praying. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Conner,<P>Do you remember when the first teenager called you Ma'm ? I can still recall the first time I was called sir. I looked around and this smart [censored] kid was talking to ME. Few months ago I got the second whammy. I was playing golf with a friend and two other fellows and one asks "Are retired?" THAT HURT!!!!! <P>It is really a time for reevaluation. The problem is that no one leads their life the way they planned and you now realize that certain doors are now closed. The age this happens seems to be slipping some with good health but it must happen. For me 40 wasn't bad my youngest wasn't even a glimmer in Dad's eye at that point, but 50 was a real show stopper. Unemployeed for the first time since I was 18 years old with a wife, 15,12 and 8 year old to take care of. Talk about depression and sense of failure. No one really wanted to hire me: age, tight money, etc. so I was forced to start my own company. Something I never wanted to do and am still getting used to.<P>I think when people hit 40' -50's some event, death of friends, loved ones, job situation, you name it, starts this reevaluation process and it is never pleasant. But some seem to handle it better than others. Personally, 40 is still young, many people are just starting families where I live now. So who knows. <P>Connor, I would not worry about 40 and missing things. You will not be able to be teenager again, but other things are still well within reach. Getting the marriage back on track will be one of those things you look back on and say "You know turing 40 was pretty cool".<P>Just remember the "Good Old Days are NOW"<P>

SDS, that's it. Either you have regrets and live your life remembering how good it used to be, or you make it the next chapter. I guess it's in the mindset, huh?<P>Just Learning, I had to laugh at that. I was horrified when I first heard ma'm, and I remember it well, it was a cashier at the grocery store, young guy about 17. I can't remember what they called me before that, Miss? Still don't think that term denotes any respect. That must have been hard for you at 50, with three young ones. My father had the same situation happen, he was about 50 and was laid off, had to start all over. It was a rough time for him and my mom. Yep, reevaluation, like you and NB said. I love that..Good ole days are now. There is wisdom in those words.

Hey, I got called ma'am for the first time at TWENTY NINE <P>What makes me wonder is, why do educated, experienced and intelligent people reach their "middle years" and suddenly think that the grass is greener on the other side? Is this temporary insanity or what? What makes them think that the next romance will be any better than what they had with their SO? Don't they remember that that stuff fades after a couple of years?<P>Just a couple of the questions that flit through my mind, when I think about MLC.

I have to say, I understand that this is an issue, but I just don't have an issue with it.<P>I turned 40 this year. I consider these the Golden Years in that my children are at home with me, my parents are reasonably healthy, my home is comfortable, my job is fine, my car is now new enough to start everyday. I live about as ordinary life as you can get, but I see it as charmed and blessed.<P>The one exception is this affair mess. I thought I was living a charmed and blessed life last year also and bam!!!!<P>My H had his affair after being 40 6 weeks or so. Other contributing factors were a new job disappointment (now he has a great new job and we didn't have to move, so everything works out), and a discussion among his friends which lead him to believe he was "getting it" less. He since found out the one friend was exagerating big time and actually "got it" less. Now my H is "getting it" as much as his poor 40 year old body can take <P>Throw in a temp. weird work schedule (opportunity) and a brazen hussy stranger who kissed him in a bar and he was off.<P>Maybe I am naive, but if this 40 thing had not converged with the above contributing factors, I don't see him seeking an affair out.<P>He loved and loves again the life we made together. But that seed of discontent did some real damage.<P>Whatever I have "missed" pales in comparison to what I have.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Mark me down for one helping of MID LIFE CRISIS.<P>I'm turning 40 this winter ... I'm devastated. The affair was last summer ... maybe it was/IS MLC ...<P>Some affairs have alot to do with wondering if "you've still got it" ... the ability to attract the opposite sex. I was FLOORED that he was interested in me and that just fanned the flames.<P>I was thinking the other day that strangely enough, my self-esteem was at an all-time high last summer in the height of the affair. I had lost a ton of weight (just to catch HIS eye), the man knew all the right things to say, how good I looked, how he liked my clothes, my hair, etc. etc. Just kept heaping it on ... and I kept feeding off of it.<P>Now I'm having trouble maintaining my weigh loss (lost 67 lbs.) because there's no one I wanna impress ...<P>Self-Esteem is back in the basement.<P>

Cristalle, I guess it has to due with the fact that some people (like I was) want that re-affirmation. Validation of their worth. But of course in retrospect, it's only a bandaid on a gaping wound. And it makes matters worse when you seek validation somewhere else, and not in yourself and with your spouse.<P>FHL, I feel like I just grew up recently. I'm happy where I'm at, but sometimes I get panicked for some reason. I feel secure and content with my life (moreso now than ever, even with the marriage difficulties which are getting better daily) but it's just scary to me. It sounds as if you and your H are doing really well, that's great. I think sometimes after a crises like this, the marriage can be stronger.<P>Maya, well, you pretty much said it all. That's exactly the reason I entered into the affair, and the ole' self esteem plummeted afterward. It does get better, you just have to forgive yourself. It was hard for me to, and I'm still not quite yet there, but the small steps are at least steps.

Connor,<BR> What's even worse than not being everything you wanted to be when you got older,is your body falling apart.I don't mind the wrinkles or gray hair,those don't hurt.But my neck hurts all the time from an old whiplash injury,and my knees are going bad,and I'm only 46.Yuk!Another middle-aged story:I was in a store a while back,and this young beautiful blond woman comes toward me.She gave me this big beautiful smile,and of course I thought she wanted to talk to me.But,you guessed it,she said,"May I help you,SIR?" Knocked the wind right out of my sails. --Murph

Hey guys, It is all on how you look at it. It is all in your mind as they say. If you feel old you look old and act old. I can't beleive that I am 48. I don't feel any different then I di at 30 or 30, just a little sadder and wiser. I think that was one of my H problems. He began to think of himself as lold and went looking for the fountain of youth. I don't know if he found it. BUt I thought he had really aged this past year. It is all in your mind set. You can let it get you down, or you can live your life like you want to. I know job frustration really played a part in this for my H and i know how hard it is to find a job when you are close to 50. THe consultanting firm I go to, to help me with my job hunting told me not to put dates on my resumes and not to mention my adult children. They old me I look at least 10 years younger(thank heaven for that) so don't give it away. I would have a better chance at finding a job. Hey we are suppose to gain maturity with age that should count for something.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Murph, my knees have taken to creaking on occasion, and I don't like it when I get up and leave my office and people always know it! But I know what ya mean, and old is not even 40ish or even 50ish nowadays. Another little story, I was at the mall, got in the car (I was wearing a long skirt) drove off and this guy was following me, smiling. I thought, gee what is he doing, trying to talk to me? I stopped, rolled down the window and somewhat irritatedly asked if there was something that he needed to tell me, and it turned out my skirt was hanging out of the door dragging on the ground and he and his friend were trying to be nice and let me know while snickering. Geez.<P>SDS, positive attitude is great. Can you pass some over this way? I think some people handle it better than others. My mom always told me, "well, what's the alternative?" And gaining maturity is worth a lot, I agree.<P>

I wonder if those of you who married young are more susceptible? My H and I were both 28 when we met, and had plenty of other sexual/emotional experiences beforehand.<P>I've never gone through a midlife crisis, and I'm 44. In fact, when I turned 40, I finally felt as if I had aged into my own head. I think I was 40 when I was 12.<P>My H has a tougher time of it, I think. It's not that he'd like to "recapture the youth he never had", it's more that he's so used to being an adolescent/hippie/whatever, that he doesn't really know how to be an adult. He's afraid of getting complacent, of enjoying our settled, suburban life too much. That we haven't had kids helps; it means he can't say, "I've turned into my father."<P>I don't think his thing with Dragon Lady was about midlife crisis or testing whether he still "has it". I think it was about him needing a lot of attention and maintenance from me, I was too busy with school and writing projects to do it, and she was THERE.<P>I know his lack of libido bothers him...but not enough to stop smoking. His thinning hair and changing body bothers him too...but he does seem able to realize that it doesn't matter how many rock 'n' roll concerts he goes to (and we do still go on occasion), he's just not 19 anymore.<P>But maybe since he was 19 for about 20 years, it doesn't matter so much to him anymore.

I just went to a workshop on Marketing to Baby Boomers as part of a bigger conference. It was enlightening.<P>Boomers were born between '45 and '64, I believe. Boomers born '55 and before are the biggest teenage mindset living today (maybe even more than teens themselves). Boomers on a whole will never grow up or grow old gracefully.<P>Senior housing, travel and organizations we know now will not cut it in the Boomer mindset.<P>It was very interesting. This may be a factor in the mid life crisis experience today.<P>Maybe Dazed is on to something about marrying early. My H and I married a year out of college...kind of young, but I experienced about everything I had wanted to on my own by then. My H and I also had backrounds that were very much alike (same conservative religion, stable family,) so I think we shared a vision of what life would be like and it is turning out nicely. We do more than our parents recreationally and we are probibly doing a bit better financially (so we feel successful, though not wealthy), but we are passing along (or trying to) the same lifestyle, values and faith along to our children that we were blessed with.<P>Besides feeling like you are missing out, does living a life unlike you have imagined or not sharing the same vision of life with your mate contribute to mid-life discontent?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13