As the primary breadwinner in the family all of these years, I never thought I'd have a problem with the time and effort my W puts into her job.<p>Any suggestions on I can negotiate this issue out under the rules of POJA?<p>My W (the WS) comes to me this morning and says that maybe for Christmas we can treat ourselves and get a digital camera. She says it would be good timing since now we have a new computer and a good quality printer. Also, more relatives have e-mail now it would be easier to send family pictures.<p>Then she says she could also use it for her job, taking it to work and taking pictures of her students and what they are doing.<p>This is where I started feeling bad about negotiating. Why does everything always end up having to help her students? She lets them borrow our video camera and take it on trips without checking with me (then our tapes are always full), we have to spend holidays with them because she needs to stay connected with them, she has to drive them around because no one else can (legally it is touchy for them to get drivers lisences and own vehicles).<p>The project she works for hasn't paid her for her time for 4 months and any expenses related to things she purchases for work and mileage on our vehicles (all whopping $0.10/mile when they actually pay). My W doesn't want to take the time to keep records for business expenses that we can use as deductions on taxes either. She says she is too busy for this.<p>Now I don't want to get a new camera because I just see her as using it as another way to spend time and resources on work (and not on our marriage). Ok, and I admit it, I'm also prejudiced because she met OM through work and she won't promise no contact with him and won't tell me if there is contact. Supposedly he's not in the country now but I suspect she knows how to contact him via telephone and surface mail.<p>Am I just being paranoid? Should I just go out and buy the da&# camera and put on a happy face? Will this show her that I am a changed man and that I can trust her on the job and don't feel like she is neglecting the family despite the time she spends? The only reason I can't negotiate this happily is because it is one more thing for work and not us. I know this doesn't follow POJA very well.<p>HoFS

Respect comes with boundaries. Mi casa Tu casa is a phrase out in the west (my house is your house). This phrase is ok between family members residing in the same household but to turn over family belongings to others outside of your family is disrespectful to the family. <p>Your W sounds like a generous person but sometimes this is not an appreciated thing. Does your W have a need to be liked? Is this a high EN for her? Some people will do strange things to keep 'friends' but that is not the true way to make real friends. <p>How about discusssing this with your counselor?
Have you ever read, his needs/her needs? Has your W? <p>Jmho,
L.