I am a BS and the book "Surviving an Affair" has helped me to understand why affairs occur and what the WS and BS will most likely be going through. It puts the wole situation into a logical perspective. My W has read a little bit of HNHN and a little bit of the "Seven principals of Marriage" by John Gottman but she says "I just don't believe that books and classes are going to make replace my feelings"<p>My obvious reply is "The books aren't going to replace your feelings they are going to put things into perspective and allow you to understand what happend and allow you to understand what needs to be done to get back on the right track". She just doesn't seem to get it. She seems to think that everything is fate.<p>Finally, my question is this. The books helped me understand my situaltion tremendously and have given my hope, however, if I am practicing the MB principals should my W be aware of what it is I'm doing? (Plan A, Plan B etc. etc. It would seem to me that if she knew what I was trying to accomplish she would see it as just that....A plan. Harley even mentions in "Surviving an Affair" that "Sue didn't know about plan B".<p>Does anyone have any tips on this???

ww4l,<p>I was the worst at LBing by trying to educate my then-H, who was the WS. I did not know, until I counseled with Steve Harley, that this is a major LB. Steve told me that the WS has a lot to learn, by it can not come from the BS, because the cost is too high, as it takes away love units.<p>Steve told me to read all I wanted, and to share any and all material with the WS, if the WS asked. You might mention that you have found some great material related to your situation, and you would be happy to share it with her, if she was interested. Or, you might leave the books on the nightstand - she will see them and if she is inclined, pick them up to peruse.<p>Save yourself a whole lot of heartache - learn from my mistakes - your WS is NOT open to learning during the heat of the affair, and any attempts to educate your spouse, without her prompting, will turn her further away from you.<p>Best of luck, Desiree<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: Roll Me Away ]</p>

Hi,<p>I agree with the previous post completely. I was and still am trying to get my WW to read the books and see things the way I do. It is not working.
I would agree, read and educate youself. Your W will have to learn on her own.... Seems so easy to just read and learn---- but it does not seem to work that way.
Good luck and God bless your family.<p>Peace.

Ditto on the replies you have received.<p>I know how you feel. I've been in Plan A for a year and have had to fight the urge to educate my WW many, many times. The only thing you can do is to leave one of the Harley books laying around like you were reading it. I think Steve would probably tell you( but please check with him first) that it is OK to let the WS know that you are working on bettering yourself and that by reading these books you are accomplishing that. If your WS wants to pick up the book and check it out, then that is his/her decision. Just don't make it too obvious!

You had great advice already and I ditto it too. My 2¢ on this is you have to show your changes through your actions not for her looking for it. Patience, she will get it and "love" you more in recovery time and know what you had been through and willingness to do it in the name of M & L.

ditto Desi<p>Way too early, I gave my W a copy of HN/HN. She used it to justify her "non-affair".

How about this perspective? I was the WS in an EA and I have brought home books to try to "educate" my wife to help her see the reasons I am unhappy in my marriage and it has been a major Love Buster. She threw the book His Needs - Her Needs across the room and refuses to read it. A lot of my reading is done at work now. If I bring a book home to read, I read it for myself and just leave it laying around. I am also trying to "Plan A" my wife. Yep, things are a little backwards at my house. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am the WS, I am doing the reading, I am doing Plan A, but as Marissa told me once somebody has to do it.<p>I guess what I am saying is that it doesn't matter if you are the WS or the BS you can't force your spouse to learn MB principles, you can only try your best to apply what you learn and hope for the best.

Thank you all for your responses. I guess you're right. You cannot force anyone to do anything, but it's difficult because I love her sooooo much and I know she is very unhappy now as well. It just seems so obvious to me what happended now that I have read the books and I want this to dawn on my W.<p>Thanks again.

Let me jump in to revive this thread just a bit.....<p>The central question that I'm not sure was fully addressed - should a WS be "allowed" to read SAA specifically? Based on the fact that it "telegraphs" what BS is trying to do in Plan A/B, it would seem to possibly defeat their effectiveness - give the WS an opportunity to see it as "manipulating them." Yet it seems unfortunate if this is the case because SAA appears to do a really good job of explaining things in a way that a fence-sitting WS might appreciate and help them "de-fog" a bit.<p>I'm currently wrestling with this as well. Just got a shipment - SAA, HNHN, FILSIL. Steve suggested FILSIL for WW - left it on coffee table and she willingly picked it up. Started leafing through it. Got to the Love Bank, gave her an opportunity to bash me about depleting hers to bankrupcy - which I willingly accepted. She finished that off by saying she'd closed her account and didn't know if she wanted to open a new one, then started crying - but she seems not too bad today - going to friends for turkey [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .. she also went in to work for a couple of hours - hope she's not going to see OM, but who knows.. God give me strength yet another day!<p>Happy Thanksgiving!

I left a copy of SAA on my wife's nightstand early on. She read part of it and said "it doesn't apply to us. The love was never there." So I would agree, don't do it.<p>- Tom