OK, I just did it. I just ended all contact with the OM. Here's the link to my original post leading to this (in case you have no idea what I am talking about)....<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013907<p>
The OM returned my call and I told him that I needed to be honest with myself and him. The reason I have not contacted him at ALL since my d-day was because I felt to was absolutely disrespectful to my H and M to have any continued contact with him anymore. That I had been so selfish during the entire time the EA was going on and NOW was the time to begin thinking of my H (rather than myself) and remember that my H and M are the first priority in my life. I had lost sight of this. I explained to him that I am uncomfortable with him contacting me since I am working to restore my M and I love my H more than anything or anyone in the world. And that he needs to focus his attention and energy not on me, but rather his W and family and allow his W to fulfill his needs (or the "voids in his life" as he calls it) rather than holding on to possibilities of me in his life. He told me that he does not necessary agree with my decision, but respects my wishes and will eliminate all contact with me moving forward immediately. He also said he holds no grudges and wishes me well in the future.<p>This was the basic flow of the conversation. I have to tell you...I felt strong and confident going into the conversation and really felt like you were all there with me, cheering me on. Please tell me this was the right thing to do. I know some of you advised me not to call him, but rather write him a no-contact letter. I hope you are not disappointed in me. I just felt the call was best for me and my situation. I am planning on sharing this with my H and letting him know that I ended ALL contact completely with the OM. How do you think my H will respond? I hope he is proud, but I am not sure since he is still very hurt and prefers not to discuss any of this. Even if he does not show any emotions either way, I think the no contact is best for everyone involved in the long run. Who knows!?

Sorrowful, you DONE GOOD!!!<p>If your H does react badly, just remember that he is still hurting and it is his anger and pain that is coming out. Inside, I am SURE he is jumping for joy, even if he won't admit it.<p>I am VERY proud of you. It doesn't matter how you ended contact, yes a letter would have been best, but it is over and done with now. In the past - gone.<p>The road to recovery is long and sometimes and much harder than you can ever imagine. <p>I wish you well.
HbH

GO SORROWFUL!!!!!! How could any of us be disappointed in you? You chose to do something that was painful and hard. Yet, you found the strength to do it. When you tell your H, try to remember that he's in deep pain. While his response may not be as joyful as you hope, remember he's smiling somewhere deep down inside that you've chosen him and your M over OM. You did a great thing by ending it. Come back and read your post of this morning, if you start having ANY doubts. Whether or not you and your H make it, you've ended the one thing that would definitely make it impossible for your M to recover. I'm sure you will receive nothing but HIGH PRAISE from everyone here for the courageous step you've taken. My prayer for you is to remain strong in your commitment to absolutely no further contact with OM. Take care and remember that you've fallen down (everyone does). More importantly, you've chosen to get back up and get back into your M in earnest. You can now Conquer ANYTHING!!!!! Kudos to you!!!<p>MOM

HbH and MOM,<p>You both made me cry...I am trying to wipe my tears away. Here I am at the office, sitting in my cubicle trying not to make any noise sniffling and wiping my tears away quickly so no one else will wonder what's wrong with me. Deep down inside I feel great about what I just did. I have no regrets about ending contact, just regrets for betraying my spouse.<p>Thank you for reading my post and helping me here and in those that I have posted in the past.

Crying is good for the soul! You cannot BELIEVE the number of times I've cried over the past 9 months. Almost every day. In fact your post made ME cry (for me, I'm crying for the loss of my M. My H has really never wanted to work on recovering the M, only paid it lip service). Keep coming here, posting, have you gotten a copy of Surviving an Affair yet? It will help you and your H in working through this.<p>Take care, and stay with us!<p>MOM

well since you're asking...........<p>I think that your husband will have doubts about whether or not you are telling the truth. I think he will question why you felt the need to handle this without his knowledge or input.<p>So be prepared for that. I just want to make you aware that you might not get the loving reaction you expect.<p>There is a reason for the process the Hurleys recommend. The no-contact request is supposed to provide the BS with a level of protection and caring. It starts to build trust because they SEE what is being said (often after months of lies). You took that away from your H by not allowing him to participate.<p>Haven't you lied to him for a long time? Why is he supposed to believe what you're saying now? <p>Its not that your intentions aren't good. But from this point forward it needs to be you and your husband as a united couple against all others (including OM). He was excluded for too long, and now yet again.<p>Just my two cents.

I agree with MOM. I was almost crying in MY office from reading your words. <p>You should feel proud, regardless of what your H thinks, this was something you needed to do, for yourself!!<p>I still say kudos to you. You've made my day!!<p>I also agree that Surviving an Affair is the way to go. How is your H taking all this anyway? If it is like any of us BS here, it is pretty earth-shattering and difficult for him. Give him time, he will need it. <p>Plan A him the best you can. I would also recommend an MC and possibly IC's for the both of you. They do help an awful lot.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
HbH

You did the right thing!!! And I know it was hard. Now you can concentrate whole-heartedly on rebuilding your marriage.<p>Don't ya feel better?!

Great job!! I 'm sure it had to be difficult. <p>I do want to comment on something you might want to prepare yourself for in the future. It didn't sound like you used any of the "leverage" about potentially telling his wife or harassment in your discussion. So you might want to prepare yourself for the potential future call/visit/note from him. Could even be something that seems so genuine like "I'm try to work things out with my wife but I just don't get any where. She (blah,....;blah....blah) and I though you might help me since you know me better than anyone else."<p>Pretty much if any contact is not "real" work related .... hang up the phone or walk away.<p>Something else you should consider doing that will help to restore some confidence and trust in your husband while also keeping the OM away/on guard is to try to make it a point to attend any/all work related social (happy hour, XMAS party, etc) with your husband. I know it's the holiday season and a lot of these activities will be going on. This will do wonders for your husband as long as there is not a threat of violence against the OM.<p>Once again great job! What's more important than us being proud of you, is you've taken a step to start to be proud of yourself again. <p>
HI<p>[ November 30, 2001: Message edited by: Hi Infidelity ]</p>

MOM, HbH, DD and HI,<p>Thank you for the encouragement. I do feel much better. I know it was the right thing to do for myself as well as my H. There was no good/logical reason to have OM in contact with me any longer.
I guess I should have mentioned that even though he works for the same company, he is in a totally different division and 3 hours away (we met when he was working locally to me and in a related job). We have no reason to cross paths anymore. I have no reason to see him or speak with again. It might as well be 2 separate companies. We work for a very large and well known company and our areas are unrelated.<p>I don't think he will ever contact me again. If he does, his W will find out (and he is avoiding that like crazy)! He knows that if he ever pisses my H off again in anyway, his W will find out.
At this point I am not thinking of the OM anymore. If he tries to contact me again, I will tell him about the legal options I have and go from there. I don't think he will try -- his career is soooooo important to him.

All my energies are focused on my H and restoring my M from now on. I am going to continue with Plan A and counseling (been doing Plan A 1 month and counseling for 2 months). We have been going to MC together (individually at first). It's been helping very little. I think I am going to suggest to my H that we schedule a session with the Harley's or at least another MC (a better one)! The first month was so hard. My H would not talk to me. He was so angry and cold, but about a month ago, he had a change in attitude. He much more calm, caring and less angry. We are acting as a couple, enjoying the same things we did before this all happened. The one thing that is missing, is him saying I love you to me. He gives me hugs and kisses, but does not say those words when I do. He took me out for my birthday and treating me wonderfully. More than I ever deserved, but especially now, after I betrayed him and d-day. I will continue by giving him space and all the time he needs. In fact, I gave him a letter a few weeks back telling him that I take full responsibility for my behavior and the choices I made and that I want to be honest with him and God. I am giving him all the time he needs and I will remain by his side until then. I can post it if you want to see it (if I still have it). He just said thank you when I gave it to him and said that he did not have anything to say about it. I did not expect a response. I used it as an non-confrontational way of communicating with him. <p>OK, I'll stop. I just realized that I was going on and on. Sorry....

I really am so proud of you and your clear, level-headedness...wish I had a good dose of that myself!

sorrowful, GOOD GIRL! You did really good and said all the right things. I am so proud of you! And I think you have the right idea in telling your H. He really does have a right to know this and I am betting that this news will reassure him considerably. You showed great courage and maturity in your actions. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Did you tell your husband? And what was his reaction?:

I told my H about the conversation and why I initiated the no-contact with the OM. He was calm and did not say anything. Then, I asked him if that was OK and he agreed and then I asked him if what is what he preferred I do and he said yes. As you can see, nothing miraculous happened...<p>But, I am happy he did not become angry at me to bringing up the topic. He was very normal and calm. After that we continued to have a nice evening together and are planning a trip together in the spring. I cannot ask for more. I am very fortunate that he has been level-headed and calm lately. Thanks for asking....

I wonder what he is thinking, sorrowful?

ML,<p>You and me both! I don't know how to interpret his silence about this. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] He has always been generally a very quiet and soft-spoken person. And he does tend to avoid conflict and goes off to his "cave" when he does not want to talk about it. I don't know what his silence means. Is he having trouble verbalizing his thoughts, fears...? Is he scared to admit this happened to US? Is he scared to admit to the state of our R prior to the A (maybe he thinks if he take responsibility for his half, it would come across as condoning/forgiving what I did)? I have no idea...just thoughts and paranoia.<p>The good news is that he is continuing to go to MC with me and really tries to open up during the sessions, but I think it will take some time. This REALLY hit him hard! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am trying not to push/pressure him into talking about what has happened. I told him that I will remain by his side until he is ready whether that's a few weeks, months...whatever. I love him with all my heart and will wait until he is ready and comfortable to work through this.<p>I am concerned that the silence will lead to resentment and slowly eat away at our marriage. I am also concerned that he has not said I love you since d-day (but, still gives me kisses, hugs and does express his love and caring in other ways). I am seeing positive changes in his actions and attitude towards me on a weekly basis. I think these are valid concerns, but I feel like I deserve this since I chose to have an A.<p>Any thoughts/suggestions? I am at a loss. As a BS, why would you avoid talking about the A? I would think the BS needs answers and reassurance that it's over. Maybe it's a male/female thing?<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: sorrowful ]</p>

He reminds me alot of my H, who is the very quiet, NONemotional type. My H has a hell of a time articulating ANY feelings and is very confused by them, which frustrates me to no end. That being said, your H had to have been very hurt and is not discussing it with you. Maybe he will discuss it with the counselor or learn to open up some? I realize men don't have a need to talk like we do [we are more verbal] but, Good God, this has to have been a shock for him.

I had to chuckle when I read your message. You described my H perfectly! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He rarely if ever gets emotional about anything. And it frustrates me to no end, I am the complete opposite. I just wonder if his silence implies he is taking his time to digest everything that has happened and to see how things are between us over the next few months before he makes his decision to re-commit. In the meantime, my Plan A is in full swing.