I have had enough . I am going to offer my w/s
a chance to start to talk about the possibilites of screwing this marriage back together . I am going to say it like this. I will give you 48 hrs to agree to start talking about our marriage and its reconciliation, if I dont hear from you then I know your answer . you have to get on with your life and I have to get on with mine . I have tried but if you have no intention of reconciliation or at least attempting it we both must move on . any thoughts ? Dont worry I can take the heat.

That's a pretty aggressive and demanding tone. Are you sure that WS won't be offended and react poorly? People can say some pretty terrible things when they feel cornered.<p>just a thought.
Kev

Kevco,
people who are bs say the wrong things also ,
how would you put it ?

CB I'll probably be tossed out on my butt for this but I think there comes a time when we betrayed people need to not worry about LB's and just say what we need to say. If you've had enough, I say go for it. Good luck!

{{{CB}}} My only advice is don't do anything rash while your emotions are running so high. How about Plan B first? Loving, yet letting her go for now? I can't remember for sure, but I think you may have tried this once already. I've done so much of letting my emotions rule my words. It's made my situation worse, believe me. My H and I are now selling our house, moving to separate apartments and probably (most probably) will be divorcing soon. Please think a little harder on this. If you are truly ready to have it be over, then do it. Just be sure....<p>MOM

Dont do anything rash while emotions are high.
Every time I see this women my emotions run high i am inthat state every time we speak . how do I cool down ? This person has got me in a tizzy and to tell you the truth I thinks she knows it too. And uses that to her advantage .

You will know when you're ready to give it up. I was. My WS has put me through the mill and back. I need to start healing. She has told me a few times that she does not want to try anymore, among other things. <p>Would I give her a ultimatum? No. I think you need to talk with your WS and see where he/she stands. Then act on it if you want. <p>Dino

Dino,
She wont say where she stands, I have asked what her thinking is and she will not say .If I suggest
that she wants it to end by her silence she says dont put words in her mouth .

CB,<p>I totally understand where you're coming from with your emotions ALWAYS being on the edge, especially when she's around.<p>I think your MESSAGE was probably correct, just the delivery might need a little polishing. I agree with TD that you SHOULD express your feelings, just do so carefully, considering the impact of your words. I know that the last thing you want to do is drive her further away, and I also know that words alone can do that (I've done it plenty).<p>Maybe something like, "WS, I have to tell you that I'm REALLY at my wits end. I want the M to work, and I'm willing to put the effort into it to give it a chance. But I need to know whether or not you're going to work with me in that. I'm at a point at which I don't think I can hold our M together alone any more. I REALLY need to have some feedback from you on this. Being in a constant state of limbo is just hurting my too much, and I fear that I can't continue alone.<p>We both have to figure out what is right for each of us, and we need to at some point begin to get on with our lives, whether that be together or alone. I have tried but if you have no intention of reconciliation or at least attempting it we both must move on."<p>I don't have a perfect answer, but this'll give you something to think about.<p>Kev

try this on for size Kevco,
Ws the life we have together was great, there are many memories that I will keep forever , But I cannot go on forever trying to keep this marriage together with out your help. I must move on and start to live my life with out you in it. If at some time in the near future you would like to talk about our marriage I will listen .I regret this decision but its one that has to be made . I must move on and heal and begin my new life.

CB,
I have been wondering how you were doing.<p>I have to agree with the rest that an ultimatum is probably a bit too aggressive. I think the last posting "Ws the life we have together was great, there are many memories that I will keep forever , But I cannot go on forever trying to keep this marriage together with out your help. I must move on and start to live my life with out you in it. If at some time in the near future you would like to talk about our marriage I will listen .I regret this decision but its one that has to be made . I must move on and heal and begin my new life." is much more 'user friendly'.<p>I am sorry that you feel it has come to this pass but I understand when you can't continue to put up with the hurt and coldness of an uncommunicative spouse. <p>You are in my prayers.

Let me say thanks to all for your words of advice and wisdom . I believe i am starting to heal because at times I suprise myself with clearer thought. But its good to throw it past you folks to see if i am on the right track.
thanks again. CB

Last night I told my ws that I was done trying, I used the user friendly aproach no demands or lb.
She opened up and started talking about our problems, she asked alot of questions about the future if she came back. alot of what if sort of questions. what if we try and it didnt work . she said she didnt like that fact that we would have to work on the marriage so hard . I told her that we would do it with some in the middle of us 2 , we cannot do it alone .She cried and said that its all on her shoulders. She said our problems are huge. I told her that i believe that its all worth it, but we need help . I said all I am asking for is a serious attempt to make this work , If it doesnt at least we will beable to say we tried . At the end of the conversation I walked away and she just stood there and looked at me , then she said I am scared of you! We talked alittle more . I said that she needs to work with somebody to see if she could over come that and other obstacles.
Our walls are huge and I do believe that we can tare them down . but I will stick to my guns about healing and starting my new life without her until she comes uo and says lets try.
She asked not to inform my kids that I have ended trying to work on this . I said they have to know. I will not lie to the kids.
Any Input?

CB,<p>I would say you are doing this about perfect. You are telling her you are strong enough to work on the M, and you are strong enough to leave it.
It would seem that you have delivered your message in the right tone. <p>Not aggressive, but with strength and conviction. You cannot do it alone any longer. She is right it is on her shoulders and it will remain there as long she isn't willing to work with you and share the effort.<p>I would say you have "DONE GOOD". [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hang in there and God Bless,<p>JL

I think you did real good, too!<p>As for the kids, I would not lie to them but neither do I think that they need to know everything that goes on between you. I would be honest if they ask but would not go into detail. Privacy is important, I think, in rebuilding--the world is so willing to try to 'help' when they know something is wrong. If you are unable to save the marriage, it will be time to tell them then. Until then, let them see that you are trying to work it out.<p>Keep us posted. I think of you often and wish you the best.

Thanks folks , It feels good to hear that I did it right for a change . But It puzzels me that she waited until now to open up so to speak and ask these kind of questions. Dont take it wrong I am glad that she finaly asks. Does she see that I am not fooling around? I know you folks can only speculate. And I know that I shouldnt expect to much from this. It is a positive sign just when I am ready to close the door .
I did feel good after the conversation but I also felt good about my statement that I was done trying , no remorse like i have had in the past over things that I have said . I am getting stronger!

cb,<p>Maybe it is that she is thinking you are serious now.<p>For the first 18 months I was with H, I told him I wouldn't put up with his not working, being mean, and chronic lying. I found out he ws a habitual liar less than two months into our relationship. He went thru 15 jobs in those 18 months, said the meanest things anyone has ever said to me, and lied about everything and I mean everything! <p>Finally, I could take no more and asked him to leave. He asked if the marriage could be saved. I told him he had to get a job and keep it and go to counseling--the lying had to stop immediately.<p>I asked him later on, after he had done those things, why he decided now was the time to 'fly right'...he said when I asked him to pack, he realized I was serious! Like my crying and pleading was a joke. But he knew then that I would leave him if necessary. Happy to report that he no longer says cruel things (yea!), doesn't destroy the walls, etc, has worked steady since then (3 years!) and I haven't caught him in a lie in a really, really, really long time. It was hard for him to break that habit but I think he's about got it whupped.<p>In short, maybe she now realizes that you have got your gut full and really aren't going back to the table again! congrats! Some people never wake up to this.