I'm gonna LB all over this place pretty soon. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Somebody stop me. Once again my WW is putting all her time and emotion into work and nothing into meeting my EN. I call home over lunch to see how she is doing and she tells me fine. She invited this male Mexican choir over to our house to practice for a special mass coming up because they had no where else to go (oh, boo hoo). They've been there since the middle of the morning (when she returned from another work appointment). I ask if she is going to be able to take our youngest to school after lunch and she said sure. Then I ask if these guys are going to be done by then and she says, "No, probably not." So I ask if she is going to leave them in the house alone while she is out and she says, "Yes, probably." She doesn't even care to ask me if it is all right for a group of total strangers to me to stay in the house alone. Ok, she'll only be gone about 30 minutes but she could have some respect for my opinion on this. Besides, she's been 'working' all morning and once again hasn't been doing any of the Dom. Sup. all week that we talked about at our last feedback session. Turns out these guys aren't even going to be singing at a mass in our area. Nooooo. That will involve another group of people.<p>I am so tired of her placing all of her time and emotion into work. She is basically on call 24 hours a day to help. She doesn't leave anytime for us. Now to get time with her, I have to find 15 minutes of time in the moring before I leave for work to take a walk with her. She doesn't see any problem not being around with the family 4 nights a week. I feel like a single parent with as little effort she puts into us and the family. Even if she is there at the house when the kids get home from school she still is on the telephone a lot. What happened to the woman who said she wanted to marry me? She never talked of working 40+ hr weeks, most of which are when I can be home. She won't even keep good records that we can use for tax deducations on use of our home or car for her work.<p>She says her feelings for me are not there. How can they even develop if she doesn't even give me the time? Now she says that she needs to be with these people on Christmas Day and at their parties and celebrations on New Years Eve and Day because otherwise it will look like she doesn't care about them. All of these activities take place in a language that neither the kids or I understand (not her native language either). Anyway, she ignores us most of the time at these events because she needs to 'mingle' and 'work'. GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....Next time she asks if I want her to quite work I think I'm going to have to say yes, if that is the only way we are going to get any quality time together (whoooooops, that would be another LB wouldn't it).<p>I need to vent somehow and pull together or the rest of the work afternoon is shot!!!! Please send your calming influences this way.<p>HoFS

HofFenceSitter,
I am on the same boat and what help me is that I let her go ... let her do what her heart desire. She comes and goes, stay over only a few night a weeks, only pick up D and I have to bring them to activity & do homework with them. I told her it is her choice and I took all the excuses or reasons away for her to go (no LB, por nada ..., even there is no excuse for A, very lame one). I am working on plan A for my self. I am working on being more affections ... it is hard when WW rejects everything. But I show her that I am capable and I am in the process of change in that catagory. Once I am done with plan A, I will have my saying on plan B. I do not look at her reaction/response/rejection/resentment no more, I work on issues and if she resents it I do it anyway until she tells me to stop.
Second I told WW that if she want to see me going beserk and insane actions, just bring OM around my house or around my kids. I will not be responsible for my actions and you are responsible for it. I told her with calm (no angry outburst) and facts (no demand - demand will be if you don't do this ... I say if you do this you ll 'cause it). Learn how to talk fogese back to your WW to set boundry ... !!. I will check later on you prior post for your plan A. Plan A is not blank checks w/ unlimited expirations date. Re-read missapplication of plan A by Distress.

redhat-<p>Sometimes it seems like it would be easier if she would not be around. The expectations would be different. Take for example the other day when I called the chimney sweep about an appointment. My W was mad about this. She had been putting it off for a while now and so I thought I would be helpful and just schedule the appointment for a time when I could be at home when the chimney sweep would be there. Nope. Didn't matter. She was mad. She said she was going to take care of it and then will. What, after the chimney fire? Same thing with scheduling the kids' dentist appointment. She had been saying she was going to do it for over 2 months. Finally, I checked my schedule and arranged for appointments when I could take them in. She got mad and said no one's teeth were falling out and that she would get to it. I guess I should have negotiated this but she kept saying that she would schedule the appointments and then she would always get too busy with work and not do it.<p>There is a pattern here. WW was a volunteer state director of a program to help terminally ill or disabled kids. It was a voluntary effort but the national director had certain needs and expectation in order to help ensure the program was a success. My W didn't meet the expectations of the national director and was dropped from this responsibility. She was upset that this was taken away from her. She couldn't see how it mattered that she wasn't doing what the national director expected.<p>During feedback time, she asks what she can do to help meet my need for Dom. Sup. I tell her that we should try to have dinner together more as a family and that she could make sure her work stuff is out of the way so I can park my car and get out the side garage door and not hurt either the car, the door, or her stuff. Well, just as soon as she clears some stuff out, she adds more to it. It is almost like she is testing me. She tends not to have dinner with the kids and I four nights a week and the other three nights she will take phone calls for work if they come in.<p>It is hard just to let go and have no expectations, especially when I am asked what my expectations are. I suppose that knowing she is asking what my expectations are and actually trying to meet them are two different things. She knows what I want but she doesn't care to meet these needs. This is tough for me to accept.<p>I do try to meet her need for Aff. and Admir. but these are not making deposits. She has told me (and Steve) that she doesn't want me to meet these needs at this time. So what am I suppose to do? Stop trying to meet these needs? Then what? She can say that I'm not trying to meet these needs?
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Steve has counseled me plenty about Plan A. He's seen my stuff and he says I'm doing things the right way. I wasn't for a while because my W's needs changed, so we had to figure that out.<p>Thanks for the support. Please keep it and the advice coming. what a day. Unfortunately, the weekend is coming and it doesn't get any easier. Before the W goes to work, about all she talks about or does is work related. Even getting any house chores done is more about what can she get done so she can get back to work.<p>HoFS

O.K. really stupid question from a newbie...what's LB?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ARPOW:
<strong>O.K. really stupid question from a newbie...what's LB?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Love Buster ... check the link below and welcome to MB. Post you story in new topic so that we could chat.

HofFenceSitter,<p>Do you check co-dependecy topic ? it is very good and see if your WW fit that catagory, it might help on how to work with her.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Sometimes it seems like it would be easier if she would not be around. The expectations would be different. Take for example the other day when I called the chimney sweep about an appointment. My W was mad about this. She had been putting it off for a while now and so I thought I would be helpful and just schedule the appointment for a time when I could be at home when the chimney sweep would be there. Nope. Didn't matter. She was mad. She said she was going to take care of it and then will. What, after the chimney fire? Same thing with scheduling the kids' dentist appointment. She had been saying she was going to do it for over 2 months. Finally, I checked my schedule and arranged for appointments when I could take them in. She got mad and said no one's teeth were falling out and that she would get to it. I guess I should have negotiated this but she kept saying that she would schedule the appointments and then she would always get too busy with work and not do it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Do what I did ... take control. If she get mad it is not an LB !. Dentist thing also happens w/ my WW, I let her do it but w/ warning. If she fails 3 times I took control right away. I took control right away for dropping the kid to school because WW comes and goes as she pleases. I told her that if she stay home everyday and bring them on time I will let her do it otherwise don't. There is a certain boundry that you have to set and as long as it is reasonable because of WW negligents & you need to keep your family going then do it, LB or no LB.<p>It seems that you are closer to plan B.