snl,<p>Good luck to you! It's been a pleasure.<p>who

Best of Luck to you SNL..everyone deserves some happiness. Before you get to writing your book, check out "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay."
Has some good thought provoking questions.
T

S_N_L,<p>You've driven me to sheer FRUSTRATION and DISTRACTION more times than I can count! However, I see a lot of my own WH in your way of thinking and figuring things out, and for that alone, I will always have a warm spot in my heart for you.<p>I know it's a been a long, difficult journey for you, I feel like I was watching my own DH a lot of the time, IF he'll ever get his head OUT OF THE *** (FOG).<p>I'm sorry this has been so painful for you, and it's painful for all of us watching with you, and learning and growing with you....searching and not finding.....<p>I hope you do find what you are looking for....and I truly wish you all the happiness a human being should be allowed to possess.....I believe you are a fine human being, a "genuine" person, and a gentle man. <p>I wish for you AND Thinker peace, contentment, serenity, love, and happiness for all your days.<p>Good luck and God Bless you,
Lupo

SNL,
I am pretty new to this board (a few weeks), but your post...WOW. I have been divorced for 10 years now. My story:<p>My ex and I knew each other 2 months before getting married (not an excuse but it did not help). I was 18 and he was 22. By the time we got to know each other, I realized, I didn't love him. End of story. We stayed married, more to please everyone else (parents mainly). By the end of year 2, I was involved in an EMA. The EMA ended, and we continued to try and work out our marriage (but the fact remained, we knew we were not going to be happy together, no matter what). I eventually came to the realization, enough was enough. We were getting no where, we were both miserable and to be honest, I did not think it was fair to him, to stay married just because my parents thought it was the best thing to do. I felt guilt but I also felt he deserved to be happy. We divorced. Before we divorced, our last discussion (as a married couple) dealt with how we would treat each other (because we had a son to think about). We agreed that once divorced, our son came first in both our lives. This meant that we would treat each other with respect, and not disrespect or talk badly about the other to our child. That was 10 years ago. My X is remarried, and is happy. We are actually friends and have been since the divorce (although at first it was a "strained" friendship). Our son has a great relationship with his father, his stepmother and myself. <p>I have to say, I have many friends, relatives, co-workers who are in unhappy marriages. I see all the warning signs that lead people astray or make me believe, the marriage is in for trouble. I don't believe people should just move along forever in an unhappy existance (but if they choose to, I tell them "It's all on you now, so don't complain"). <p>If you do write a book, let me know because I would definitely like to assist.<p>Take Care and God Bless<p>[ December 12, 2001: Message edited by: diamonda ]</p>

SNL,<p>Thanks for posting here and sharing with us. I agree with you some and I disagree with you some. Such is life. But I have respect for your viewpoints. You have brought up a lot of issues that I feel that I have glossed over in the past ... you made me think. That is always a good thing.<p>I do wish you would stay, but understand if you feel you cannot. Please take care of yourself. I wish only happiness for both you and your W, either together or apart. And I do mean that sincerely. Everyone deserves to be loved.<p>belld

I have to admit I read a post of yours a few days back and was quite offended by your lack of committment to marriage. It takes committment first and work.. but it looks as if you have put in many years. <p>It also sounds you are really trying to work it out. I am sorry it is sad for you. Adultery is wrong, and I am glad you recognize it.<p>I strongly believe marriage is forever if you love each other... but I have had a divorce from my first H... and it was never meant to be... it was the best thing ever... my current H, I love with all my heart and will be devestated if we divorce, but I also believe we will not.. but this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with with him<p>Good luck to you and your furture... I will look for your posts.<p>L

anna, hbh, I will try to answer you both in a bit more detail later, but it is not that simple a question, never is. Despite our efforts here to squeeze stuff into short posts, life is complex. I know what you are both asking of course, but I don't think we actually ever "leave" anyone in a real sense.....it is more an alteration of how we interact with each other. There are people who are married 50 years where one or both "left" long ago.....and there are exmarriages where two are still integral parts of each others lives, relating more than many married folks. One thing I have grown with here is being more un...... aware of the range of human behaviour...I was more black and white when I came. Hard as it is for me to understand, I can observe that marriage means different things to different people (in healthy and unhealthy ways). I do think I know how this (marriage, in-love) works in absolute sense (psychologically), and fitting is an integral part of it....but people draw the line in different places, and for different reasons, and that is what I intend to write about (if I ever do).<p>faith, no nothing extraordinary going on, actually if folks looked real hard at all the posts thinker and I have made, you could achieve a fairly accurate understanding of the nature of our relationship. I'm easy, 100's of posts to peruse, thinker is much harder she does not reveal much here or in real life, but she has written enough if one is good at reading between the words.<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

Hey snl,<p>From someone who's written more than my share of goodbye messages over the years, all I can say is I hear ya, and understand the desire to pull away from here -- no matter what you decide about your life/marriage.<p>I would like to tell you one thing I think you know, but doesn't hurt repeating:<p>Life, out here, away from the marriage that doesn't "fit" is not necessarily better. Yes, it is quieter, nicer, more peaceful, at least in some ways, but...it can be sooooooo difficult too.<p>You've heard that saying, "The grass is greener where you water it"... it is SO TRUE. <p>snl, I don't presume to be any more than a fellow traveler on this journey... and I know how hollow the words "Do as I say, not as I did" seem... but it is the truth that I want to share with you. <p>Being loved is but one piece of the life experience, and yes, it is a lovely part of it... but there are other parts that are important too - maybe even more important. <p>I miss the integrity, the honor I once had, for myself... and no matter how much everyone "understands" (and the vast majority of my friends and family do indeed understand, including my children)... *I* don't understand... How did I get here??<p>This is not about hating myself, just as you are not about hating yourself -- it is about that blasted 20/20 hindsight... and snl, I just hope that down the road, when you look back, you have no regrets.