I know everything I have read about honesty from a WS says to give the BS password, cell phone bills etc, but my WS has gone the other way. She says that she is being open/honest with me and her A has ended, but 2 things seem strange to me..<p>1. She has taken detailed billing off her phone, and put a password on the account so only she can change any of the options.<p>2. She not only keeps her phone in her bag, but by her side of the bed, and has it is password protected.<p>Since the phone was the main method of her contacting OM, should I bring these issues up to her (I have mentioned several times about her keeping the phone hidden, but have only recently found out about the 2 sets of passwords), would this be a big LB?

Sounds suspicious to me. I wouldn't be able to not ask about it.
Why is the BS the only one who has to be concerned about Love busting? This looks like a big LB to me.

It does ound VERY suspicious to me too. The cell phone was my H's main method of secret comunication with the OW too, so it was a huge trigger to me. When his contract was up he totally got rid of it, and I was glad. I hated even looking at the thing. I would definitely say something.

Wow I could have posted this. I am having the same problem. My H was and apparently still is having contact with OW from work via cell phone. He too has a password on his phone and I have no access to his account. He has his bills sent to a P.O. Box he claims he is not doing anything wrong. I continually tell him how this makes me feel but it seems to fall on deaf ears. He does not hide his cell from me but I can't get into it b/c of the password. Why would someone do this unless there is something to hide? By doing this it makes my suspicions even more real. Why does this seem to be such an issue? I feel as though there should be no secret codes or passwords between spouses unless there is something they are trying to hide

I know what you are going through wpd and it really hurts. They have no idea how this makes us feel. I am not stupid or naive. Good luck to you.
C

You can't be serious. What a total slap in the face to you. She is showing you a total lack of respect. I would not believe anything she says.
Actions speak louder than words and her actions are showing you that the affair is continuing.
She should be showing you how remorseful she is and attempting to prove her trustworthiness to you. Clearly with these actions she shows you total distain for your feelings. Why would you accept such actions on her part? I think you are in denial. I am sorry for your pain but her actions are showing that the affair is continuing.

wpd,
I replied earlier ad I just wanted to add a little update. Today when H came home we talked about the cell issue and I told him that him having a password on his cell that I have no access to his totally unacceptable and disrespectful to me he gave me the password and we are changing the address so that his bill now comes here. <p>I don't feel bad about telling him I needed this. I see this as a step forward in our recovery. <p>Good luck to you with your situation.
C

Thanks for the replies, cybil I'm glad you're making progress, unfortunately my S said that the reason she had a password on it was so no one could use it at work!! She didn't respond to the fact that she has a password on the account.<p>She said that the reason she keeps the phone by the bed is because that's where the charger is ( !! well move it !!) I told her the same things that you seem to have said to your H, about it being disrespectful, that rather than me "just believing her", perhaps she should be doing things to regain my trust, no response from that one either.<p>I thought we were making progress.<p>To make matters worse I found a set of house keys in her car today, don't know whose they are, but I have my suspicions!!!

wpd,<p>My W did the same thing with the detailed billing.
She's still in contact with him, dont let her fool you. I think you should say something about it. If the A is over, she should prove it to you.
You'll never trust her if she doesn't.<p>Several months ago my W insisted the she no long had contact with OM. I asked her to reassure me of that by requesting detailed copies of her recent phone bills. Her response was that she would contact her cell phone company and have her detailed billing reinstated. That wasn't what I asked, but her answer spoke volumes.<p>She has since filed for D and I have counter filed. My lawyer will supeona her cell phone bills as well as OM's. This will tell me what I need to know, and if nothing else will prove she's lying. It won't change anything, but will give me peace of mind. The "not knowing" is a killer, but sooner or later you'll be able to get what you need to know. Hang in there.<p>sad dad

I am sorry to hear about ws acting like such vicious lying children.. which mine does too! I know all about the cell phone, and that is how I ultimately caught him.. me and my anger issues, I threw the damn thing across the room... I do think I need an anger management class for deaing with an affair... I was so much not like this, until this happened although I had been super volatile years agoa... I had worked on it and recovered but the affair seems to have brought me back to a past way of dealing with trauma in my life... so back to the self work ... I am working on the anger... and the more I focus on me the better I feel and the less I worry about them...
The OW in my life is callous, rude, self centered, stuck up, etc... I am very sad that someone like this is in my life.. or my H's... I fear our marriage may die, as it is dying quickly now.. I only wish I had one of those apologetic spouses..who are actually sorry about the A. I guess we all do.<p>I guess I do not have much advice.. just support to you from me... I hate my Hs cellphone too, and now that I think about it, it is not even the damn cellphone, it is that he is not honest and open.. the death and the dying of a true relationship to be married to a liar and betrayer.. it is sad to be bs. <p>HUGS TO ALL BS out there.<p>HONEY

As A WS, I know that would make my H suspicious and that is the last thing I would want. I think you should explain the radical honesty from Dr. Harley . My H would say "if your not hiding anything then let me see the phone when ever I want." In fact we look at eachother's phones all the time and ask who's #'s are in them. <p>Maybe you could print out the policy of joint agreement. Good luck. Sherry

Total honesty is essential to building a healthy marriage. I believe that you can only assume that she is still in contact with OM.<p>If I were you I would tell her, in the most 'non-love busting' way I could muster that her having the password protection and no detailed billing on the cell only leads you to believe that she is hiding contact. There is no other concultion you can draw from her behavior. So until she can be open and honest with you, that is the assumption.<p>No need to yell, or be negative or nasty. Just to the point.<p>One thing I told my H was that as long as he would not be totally open with me I could only assume the worst. If he was lying to protect me, I was not protected be cause I assumed the worst. A lie told to protect is nothing more then a lie, it is not protection. It only serves to prove that the person is a lier. Told him that I could handle the truth better then the lies and the ambiguity.I told him this many times for the first 2 weeks after d-day. Very calmly. After two weeks of this mantra he started trusting me with the truth.<p>Telling the truth of how you feel to the WS is not a LB. LB'ing is in the way you tell it. If you yell, holler, use disrespectful judgements, etc etc. That is LB.<p>For those first few weeks, ever time I caught STL in a lie, I calmly looked him in the eye and told him what I knew to be the truth. It worked, there was no escape for him from the truth. Do not coddle a person who is in the middle of being less then honest. I do not put up with it from my husband, my kids, or people at work. Over time they all learn that it's easier to just tell the truth.<p>If your wife says something along the line of how you need to trust her and how your mistrust of her is a LB, yada yada yada. Just calmly tell her that she is the one who has not been trustworthy. And you have no real foundation on which to trust her. That until she is willing to be subscribe to radical honesty and no privacy in your marriage you will not be able to trust her. This is not disrespectful judgement. It is you explaining to her what you need.<p>Hope this helps in some way.

OK, explained my issues but she still hides the phone. I found that the keys were freinds of ours, but she hasn't changed her habits regarding the phone. In fact, she is now deleting the call log history.<p>[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: wpd ]</p>

I'm kinda late coming in with a reply to your post, but I felt compelled...<p>You know, I never even had a cell phone until somewhere in the middle of my "running around." And when I confessed to my husband, I made sure he had every access to me, at all times, to my cell phone, and to whatever he felt he needed, so he could see I WAS repenting, and NOT going back the wrong way!!<p>These actions of your WS sounds way suspicious, and although I wouldn't want you to do a love buster, if necessary, you can say a former WS told you those actions were wrong!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Somehow you have got to get through to her. If she is wanting to reconcile, she's got to give up that insistence to privacy. She may feel it's her last bit of "herself" but if she wants to make up she should be willing to go along. <p>I will keep you and yours in my prayers!!