Hi All,<p>I have my profile on the link below. My WW like usual, she said she go to rehearsal for the night (last Saturday noon) and no call and no show up. She claimed that she lost her cell (I think she throwed it away, since last week she just realized that the bill has detail on it.). I am suspecting that she rents apartment w/ OM already. I am planning to talk to SH but they are on holiday, I will schedule one. I am planning also talk to lawyer to protect my kids.<p>Last confersation about M is last Friday night. I ask her what she want, she said that she want a resolution but she doesn't want to be the one who file Dv. Yet, she doesn't want to work on M either. She is not working and just having fun w/ OM. She doesn't want to move out yet she shows up anytime she want it. She wants me to move out and later have the coustody of the kid, My 2 D start loosing respect for her and sometimes it sliped their tounge about my W and I can't say anything since it is the true.<p>I am not sure yet which one is the OM. There are 3 males registered in that apt. Judging by the age, this OM has been Dv 2x and I beleive she is leading my WW to really doing plan B on me and push it as hard as my dumb W follows it. She beleive that she found her soulmate. She knows about this website and knowing her she might even talked about it to OM. (I am going to remove back some of the clue from my posting). I am facing a very skillfull OM. WW manages to push the bar on knott higher on the level of pain. I hold the doormat of the year and the dummiest husband of the year. I am a giver, I think I could hold the pattern in plan A but I do not want my 2 D to suffer and I am afraid that I am going to snap.<p>Sorry about the long intro to this. My question is filing a police report is a huge LB and I don't even know how to fogese out of this one. I need the prove that she is irresponsible mother for child coustody fight later. Otherwise is He said She said w/ only my 2 D as a witness.

redhat, my turn to give you some advice. If you want custody of your children, you have to protect yourself. Period. Do what you have to do. I cannot accept putting my children at risk in attempt to save my marriage (esp. when your WW and my WH say they "aren't sure" or whatever fogese they are talking today. kids have to be considered as a top priority.)<p>However, has an attorney advised you that an AWOL will help accomplish that? Don't know what state you live in but in my state, that would not have helped. It is more important to be able to PROVE what you did. Like, you took 2D out of town for ski vacation. You have primary responsibility. You go to school events, you get them to school, you take them to doctor, you go to church with them, you involve them with your family. <p>Trying to prove what other parent didn't do is fairly difficult and frustrating. Most judges don't have time for the he said/she said, and won't even listen to it, and don't really care about affair except how it impacts kids -- did WW leave the kids with you to pursue relationship? Did that harm kids? Make sure you can say yes, and show how. <p>But I am not sure AWOL proves anything. If you are still at ski resort, doesn't matter where she is. If you go home, and she doesn't show up, have some people over who can say she wasn't there. <p>I worry about my H knowing about website too. Nothing you can do about that.

Hi, DOCUMENT everything you can.. start keeping a log of pphone calls about kids, what was sd, done etc.. when she has them.. what is done... anyway that you can save proved, and make proof of what is going on..<p>WHAT is awol police report, not sure what that stands for... <p>sounds stupid I know.. sounds like she is awol, right? does that mean she is not picking up kids when she should?<p>IF she doesn't have to know about police report go for it... document document document, just in case.. I have aphone recorder.. but haven't used it much since i thought it was a mean thing to do.. guess what. now that ws
starts to say he may fight for cutody the rules are changing.<p>KEEP THOSE KIDS SAFE with the stable parent.<p>HONEY

redhat,<p>Does your wife work? Has she shown up to work? <p>If she has not shown up anywhere that you expect her to, then yes file a missing person report. The last thing she told you, she was going somewhere. She never got there. For all you know she was kidnapped, is injured, etc. You are assuming that she is with some OM, you do not know.<p>And by all means see an attorney and go to Plan B. You do have to protect yourself and your children. It is obvious that your wife really likes Plan A, it lets her do as she pleases. You need to stop enabling her.<p>I know this is all very hard. You do not deserve this.

isitpossible,
Thanks. I live in CA and now you mention it I think it would not help also. I have the primaty responsibilites since September. I took over dropping the kid since she is "sometimes" at home. She picked up one of the kid since I think she is advised to by OM. However I have to pick them up some of the time. For their activities I am the primary one. She only bring them two days out of the week. She only sleeps here on Tuesday and Sunday. She is even missed a lot of doctor appointments for my 2 D, I am taking over now. Yes I could say WW did left most of the responsibilities out unless the one that I "let" her have it and I think I am going to take it away from her and I do not care what Steve Harley have to say.<p>honey,
Thanks, what I mean is missing person report. She said she is going to rehearsal (Saturday night) and never return 'till now and no phone call, nothing - Moday is OM's day off. Good thing I took today off, I could care for my kids. Yes the rule change now, change by WW behaviors. She wants to have the coustody, I agree few months ago but her behavior is not stable for my kids. Yes, my 2 D happier (observation by third party) after they know I said I am going to fight the coustody. It is going to be nasty, I do not take 50-50 either. I will let her have it if it is going down to that. If she tought that I am only good at providing financial then let it be. I will do plan C.<p>All, I am going to counsel with laywer, I thought I don't have to do this. I am very sad b/c It is an emotional barrier that I have to cross. From Friday's discussion I get the feeling that WW will not honor plan B w/o me moving out. I will have to file separation! and if I have to I will not look back, plan C.<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Thanks Z,<p>Does your wife work? Has she shown up to work?<p>No she stoped working 3 years ago. I am the bread winner.<p>If she has not shown up anywhere that you expect her to, then yes file a missing person report. The last thing she told you, she was going somewhere. She never got there. For all you know she was kidnapped, is injured, etc. You are assuming that she is with some OM, you do not know.
That is correct I assume she is w/ OM. I told her many times that I would of file a police report but I never do it. I used to drive by just to make sure her car is there. Now I don't feel like it. She did this one to many times. I could call OM apartment but I don't want to go there. This one I will let it go and I will discuss it w/ SH how to approach this since one of her complaint is that I am mean to her.<p>And by all means see an attorney and go to Plan B. You do have to protect yourself and your children. It is obvious that your wife really likes Plan A, it lets her do as she pleases. You need to stop enabling her.
I will go to attorney after this holiday. I could shut her off financially and let her toasts. I do not want to do mean thing to her but I have to force it so that she is going to plan B on her own. I transfer $$ for "groceries", she use it for enabling her A.<p>I know this is all very hard. You do not deserve this.
No one does Z, no one!. I love her to my bone but all she said that "You do not know what love is", what a fogese, she is deep into it and I just have to rock her world. I am very afraid I make mistake, I will discuss this with SH when I get my appointment. 12 years ago I left my inheritance (family bussiness that I build from the ground up) & my family (parent, 2 Bro and 1 Sis)& my country to find her happiness here in US. I did not regret it a bit b/c I had done what I could w/ my family back there since greediness took over the better part of them. I left to protect my love for them and gave up everything. I am afraid I have to do the same here. Gave her up and never look back.<p>Thanks for your input, I really value them.<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

RE: I could shut her off financially and let her toasts. I do not want to do mean thing to her but I have to force it so that she is going to plan B on her own. I transfer $$ for "groceries", she use it for enabling her A.<p>At this point it would make sense for you to cut her off financially. Then once the court proceeding get started she could file for interim support. The way that works in NM is that all bills, your, the kids and hers are paid, then you will both split 50/50 what is left over. The court usually does not force back payments for the time before the interim support order. <p>If your wife is going to Plan B you, then she needs to get a job. If you cut off the $$ to her right now it could force her to do this before you get to court. That would be a very good thing.

redhat,<p>Yep, no one deserves being treated this way.... This is why the OP's and WS's who come here and justify adultry in the name of 'in-love' really frost me. When did being 'in-love' mean anyone has to treat another person like a rag? The one thing I have learned in life is that people can always find a way to justify their bad behavior.. be it adulterous spouse or the taliban or bin ladin. There is always some 'higher, spiritual reason that it's ok'. <p>Barf....

Hi RH, <p>I am soo sorry this is where she is taking her family. Get this??? Her family, this does include you and also your daughters. <p>You know how liberal CA is and how much the courts 'normally favor' the mothers. Also since you are the 'breadwinner' you stand a chance to loose a lot. The more you make the more you lose.....CA rules.....thanks to the libertarian laws passed many moons ago....ARRGH [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In addition to what you have been given, my advice is strengthen your parental status as much as you can. RH, no more not telling your kids or not letting them talk. Take them to a counselor. Establish this in record (the counselors records in addtion to your journal - if you haven't started one start now). You must establish your credibility and NOT ASSUME anything. This is CA land of the takers..... Givers loose in CA ya know? <p>I want you to be prepared. The car? If she is not contributing to the family value or income, remove it. Don't give her any more money to play with. Restrict how she spends family money. Hard to do but right now you sound like your trust level is gone. I am truly sorry. <p>Your actions now are not to hurt her but to protect yourself and your family. Be defensive RH, your future depends on it. Trust me, I know this. Even though I am the W, I had to go through the same. It was a bit easier for me since I am the mother and was easily proved the responsible one but I still kept records of everything. Even the lawyer, counselor and BIL (3rd party advisor) said I kept good records. <p>Trust no verbal agreement. I even made a contract for H to sign when he was out there. H did not like it but knew he was being too stupid for me to trust him. In fact that was just before I went to plan B. <p>Let me know if you need more info. <p>Take Care and remember we are here to support you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

redhat, on the counselor thing, you need to ask ahead of time if the C is willing to go to court if asked, or if his/her records will be admissible. Each state treat "types" of counselors differently in terms of patient confidentiality. You need to know WHAT OUTCOME you want -- do you want the counselor in court, or not. <p>In my case, I didn't. I had to start taking my 4 year old D, and then my second D (5 years) to counseling. I was having a rough time emotionally, and in addition to what they were going through emotionally, my sadness and grief was affecting them. Note, the worst period was during the 5 months after he moved out and before I knew of his affair. I was on this huge roller coaster, thinking if I could only "fix it." I begged and pleaded daily. I know now -- all LBs. <p>Anyway, I had a different concern than yours -- my personal counselor warned me that my H, who had no leg to stand on in terms of custody, would use my "emotional stability" as a reason to get custody. (He did later file that motion). So I did not want the kid's C going to court. She was highly aware of the situation, and knew that I did not want the D, my H did, she knew about my brief A, and my H making plane reservations the next day with OW (she was just a friend [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ). She also knew what his intentions would be in terms of the counseling. I told her that her goal would be to PROTECT THE KIDS. Which she did -- plus she stated that they were much better off with me. When I told her that I got 70% custody of the kids she actually burst out, "thank goodness. I am so glad. That is the best thing that could have happened."<p>Within a couple of weeks of the kids starting counseling, he would fax or mail her letters "documenting" concerns about me and how I was "influencing" the kids and hurting them by refusing to say that the D was "our" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] decision. (It still makes me sick thinking about it.) He also did not like me being straight up with the kids about his OW. He threatened all kinds of things. He would ask her to "explain" to me why what I was doing was so wrong. Anything to make me look bad. The C would never respond to him in writing, and she knew that is what he wanted. She finally told him that she would never go to court, and that she was here for kids. Period. Guess what, letters stopped. <p>Point of this -- lay down the truth with the kids C ahead of time. Do your own interview. Be clear. Check recommendations. Make sure he/she will be prepared to handle the legal part with concern for your interests. No offense, but as the "man" you will really need to protect yourself. <p>And, on the money. Cut her off. My H racked up a $9K AMEX bill in one month that I got stuck with half, even after he had terminated my card.<p>By the way, I know you are busy and hurting, but I have still been posting on my thread on when does fog lift. <p>Redhat, I feel your pain. Are you afraid of a Plan B? It sounds like other events in your life have prepared you. God Bless.<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: isitpossible ]</p>

Redhat--thanks for all of your help, now perhaps I can help you a bit. Filing a missing persons report is obviously very big stuff. Should only, repeat only used as a LAST RESORT--That would only include if you honestly felt that your W was in danger, kidnapped or worse. Using it as a threat to your W is fuel to her fire, not to mention the LB from hell.<p>She's playing the game. They all do. The missing person report may also get the FBI/CBI involved and you don't want that at this juncture. <p>She's way deep in the fog, no path out. You've plan A'd a long time, right? WHat sort of time frame did you set for that?? If it's been 6 months or more, you've fixed your flaws and shown it, then perhaps it's time to move into Plan B. <p>As always, I appreciate all of your comments with my situation, but please, don't file the report unless you are 100% sure of the above.<p>Happy new year--try to enjoy it. Certainly 2002 will be better for us all.<p>Guido

Thanks Z, I will find and speak to attorney next week once the holiday blues are gone. I will not cut her off $$$ yet until I put all ducks in the row and I will force her to file and choose. I stand this endurance b/c I love my 2 D so much and they know it. They also feel better w/o WW around even I am the strict ones.<p>Thanks Orchid, I guess brushing with death in car accident and retreat in Bend, make me look at life a bit differently. I still believe MB works but under certain condition it will not work. As painful as it is, my WW is never in love w/ me not even from the beginning of time when we are dating. I am an available "fit" for her at that time since most of the conservatory's M is gay or taken ... I was the smart engineer from cross campus who figure that one out and got to ask her out. This is one of the condition I think MB will not work.<p>Thanks isitpossible, I am waiting to refinance this apartments so that I could do plan B better and actually plan C. I already told the realtor this morning to watch out for me if there is a serious buyer in case I will dump this property. WW initially thought that I will be "man" enough to give it to the girls (2 D) and she could have the property also. She is actually correct under normal circumstances I am willing to do it until I found her A !!! w/ OM from the past or probably never stop.<p>Thanks guido, I am not going to file the report unless the attorney tells me to. I could file but the police will maked it as low or no priority. I have to tell them about M problem, they will not look for her.<p>All, thanks for the support. I know what I have to do but it hurts a lot. I endure for about 3.5 months now b/c I want to make sure I am the primary care giver for my 2 D and I am trying my best. I will let Steve Harley to call the shot on plan B, I am ready anytime. I am already letting her go but now I am convinced she is not mine to begin with. BTW WW also avoid seeing SH twice already schedule appointment. I guess like Z said, they have "in love" justification and reject MB EN's.<p>Have a happy new years ... I will lurk around again after I bring my 2 D to their activity.

RH, I'm sorry to hear all this, It saddens me tho think that a person could do this to another, but hey my other is doing somewhat, ok not really the same, but anyways. I'm no expert on laws and such, but I have a question, How would someone with no job/finances get custody? Wouldn't that be a little, well... screwy?<p>I'm just curious.<p>I unfortunately have no profound words of wisdom, except, hang in there your 2Ds Need you more than ever. I pray 2k2 is a better year for us all. Just know my thoughts are with you.

RedHat,<p>Take this for what it is worth. I have Dv twice. (Explain anything?)<p>This is experiance NOT a reccomendation. I would not suggest any action to you about this. I will only tell you what happened to me.<p>In Colorado Springs W#1 left me with custody of my 1yo son for 4 weeks, visiting occasionaly. She showed up one afternoon and said that she wanted to take him shopping. I said no. She called the police. Police showed up and said her request was reasonable and said I should let her take him. She promissed them she would bring him back. I didn't know any better at the time, I thought the police could force me to let her take him. Since there had been no paperwork filed they said she had as much right as I did. I got a call about 5 hours later saying that she was not bringing him back. It is a 4.5 hour trip from Colorado Springs to Scottsbluff. She filed for Dv in Scottsbluff the next day. I was in the Air Force and couldn't get time off for anything. There was nothing I could do to get my son back.<p>Please read carefully, time is a bit disjointed here.
I Seattle Wa, W#2 was in the Army. I worked at Burger King. She moved in with OM taking her paycheck and my 3 yo doughter with her. I was basicaly Plan B'd into moving back to my parents in Ne. She wouldn't let me take my doughter with me. Her father was Chief of Police in Delta Co. at the time. I couldn't leave Scottsbluff County without him knowing about it. About 3 years after my Dv my father got a visit from the local police one day asking where I was the day before. He told them the truth, I was in his living room watching the Superbowl. He asked why. The police said that they had a report that I was driving around W#2's house in Delta Co. a 9 hour trip from here.<p>My son turns 18 in 2002. I have, in the last 2 years, began to form a relationship with him.<p>My doughter is 16 and I havn't seen her since she was 3.<p>Do what you see fit.<p>Thanks
Rev

Red,
I live in Florida, to get custody WS has to be either physically abousing children, using drugs or prostitution. "Stying of Living" is not considered in custody proceedings. I'd suggest Califorina is as liberal if not more. Keep a log, filing a missing persons report wont do any good, it will just make you look like an angry betrayed spouse. JUst sit tight and wait for your session with SH.

RH,<p>I am so sorry that you and your D's have to go through this. As far as cutting your WW off financially I say do it. Why should you continue to support her when she has no regard for you or your D's. Get to an attorney ASAP and start documenting everything. <p>You and your D's deserve more. You are not a dummy. Just a man who loves his W and wants to save his M and family. Don't allow yourself to be treated as a doormat. My prayers are with you and your daughters. <p>God Bless,
C

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Torizo:
<strong>How would someone with no job/finances get custody? Wouldn't that be a little, well... screwy?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Thanks T, to answer you question; law is very screwy ... I have to provide for them. Child custody, spousal custody and 50% of assets.<p>Thanks rev for sharing, hope this time w/ squirt is a charm for you. Hope your past could help you riding the 'coaster 'till the end.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by dadoftheyear:
<strong>Red,
I live in Florida, to get custody WS has to be either physically abousing children, using drugs or prostitution. "Stying of Living" is not considered in custody proceedings. I'd suggest Califorina is as liberal if not more. Keep a log, filing a missing persons report wont do any good, it will just make you look like an angry betrayed spouse. JUst sit tight and wait for your session with SH.</strong><hr></blockquote>
I think you are right, that is what my WW told me at one point. She is coached by 2x Dv OM. One of close freind just told me what his lawyer told him. Unless he could get a photo of his WW F%^& w/ OM in front of his kid, his lawyer won't even try. That was in '70 but he doubt it will be much different. I will check w/ att. next week. SH is solid booked this week too.<p>
All, Happy New Years ... I still have 1.5 hours to go in PST.