This is for everyone who wonders if marriages recover.

When we were in our troubled times, my H didn't want to go to counseling, he didn't want to talk about what was wrong, or why he could no longer live at home. Actually, he often didn't want to talk to me at all.

He was a conflict avoider and walked out of the house whenever I would press him.

We had a lot of strikes against reconciliation.
1) His PA was with a co-worker, neither left their job so "no contact" has never been an option.
2) There wasn't just one d-day, but many as the A continued.
3) We were separated, not once, but 7 times over a period of 21 months.
4) H also suffered from depression, also against taking anti-depressants.
5) the failed reconciliations & passing of nearly 2 years brought me to the point that I served the divorce papers.

So, last week we were in church, reading upcoming events. I saw the Marriage Enrichment class offering. Knew one of the dates wouldn't work for H and decided not to say anything. A few minutes later H points it out, says "Want to do that?" Absolutely!

We had the first session this past Sunday, on communication, something we'll always need work on. Today he told me he's trying to work out attending this Sunday, the date I knew wouldn't work for him. I had talked to the leader and she said I could come alone, so I hadn't pressed it with H. (hmmm, remember I just said we can always use a little work on communication? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

At 2 1/2+ years into recovery...we're doing great, but we aren't letting the dust settle on the lessons learned. Those patterns & habits on both our parts that led to bad choices & disaster can't be allowed to re-emerge.

I'm just so pleased that my H initiated this idea. His changes to bring about our recovery were real, sincere and meaningful. It's good incentive for me to continue to let both the love and trust to grow and function.

Cheers!! 3 Cheers!!!

You were one of the first ones to respond to me when I was a "junior member" and am sooo happy for you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> we're doing great, but we aren't letting the dust settle on the lessons learned. Those patterns & habits on both our parts that led to bad choices & disaster can't be allowed to re-emerge.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I, too, worry about settling dust. I would LOVE it if our M stayed exactly this way forever. I know that is going to take work on both our parts and just hope we don't fall back into the same ruts of for granted taking that we were in before.

This is great news for you!! I hope you learn and grow with each other for 2003!!
DB

<small>[ January 02, 2003, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: aceslow ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Terrific news, Lor!!!

Hey Lor...

I don't post much anymore but I just wanted to say two things...

1. I think the marriage enrichment is great for you and your H.

2. Thanks for staying here and posting these messages. You are an inspiration to everyone who is going thru this, to know that even after everything you and your H have been thru that marriages can recover, even after a long time in turmoil and that it is still a continuing process, but one that the right people can work thru...

Good luck enriching your marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

E

Awesome Lor, I am so glad that Guard brought it up to you to take these classes, the two of you are so lucky!!!

You are both inspirations to so many here and in you own lives!!!

Thanks for being here for us all!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi,
Lor, I am so happy for you. You were one of the first to post to me and help me too, as dazed said. Thanks and good luck. You made me smile today.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sharon

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: footballwidow ]</small>

Dazed-- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think as long as you are aware of the old patterns that didn't work, when you fall into one, you want to heave yourself (and H) back out in a hurry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I hope your new year brings healing and recovery.

Ace ?

K--I've told you before you are very dear to my heart. Your example has often come to mind and I wish you the very best...especially on stopping your record-breaking run!

Elad--thank you. I often ponder if my time here on MB isn't coming to an end, it's nice to know I might have done some good while in recovery. I sure used up the resources up to that time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Daybreak--I feel priviledged that we've met in real life and it was nice to see you over Xmas break. You are a special lady and your H is a doggone fool.{{{{{{{{{{{Dawn}}}}}}}}}

Sharon--I'm glad I made you smile...you deserve much better than your current situation. I've really seen your strength grow these past months. You will be fine, whatever your H chooses to do.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I always believed in you Lor!
Happy New Year to you and Guard!

Wassi! Omigosh, woman, I got you out of lurkdom? You talked me through some very tough times and I appreciate you so much. I still have the same email, let me know what's going on in your life (presuming you still have my email?). In any case, lovely to see you post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Great news Lorlor!

Way back when, I had posted a reply to something Guard had posted (in his brief posting career here). If I remember, it wasn't too pleasant. Anyhoo, I'm glad you guys have it all where it is now and are doing what it takes AFTER the recovery.

Have you read, "The 10 second kiss"?

Hi Chris,
Thanks for taking the time to post to me, I know this week has brought you a lot.

I may remember that post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

And, I think it was on one of my threads actually, about something Guard did. Or was it something I did...oh the memory goes.

I've read the Krieman trilogy 10 second kiss, Light his fire, Light her fire (just checking what it is I might have wanted!). But, it's been 3-4 years...I could dust 'em off.

My prayers are with you at this time.

How's it going Lor? I just found this thread, congrats on the Marriage Enrichment. I have hope for one of those, maybe in the future... one day.

The Rules Book is still coming in handly with my extra agressive way of trying to get my h to see the light and come back home.... I have to give him his own space.

My friend and I were talking to her son who is 14 or 15 about a girl he likes and might invite to a hockey game... He likes her, but he is not sure about inviting her, and also he likes her , but he does not want to talk on the phone. SOunds so much like my H?! Men are from Mars, right? I just really thought it was funny how men just typically don't want to talk about it... I need to remember that, and quit pushing.

Also the marriage counselor thinks I should treat my h... like he and I are just starting to date... a new relationship... Start over.

Hugs, H

Hi Honey,
We've had 2 sessions, both on communication.

Sometimes I feel like I've worked so hard to let the past go, not talking about it with H that we don't talk about anything. It isn't scary like early recovery/walking on eggshells, but maybe not upsetting the applecart is a better metaphor. The past is a big ole applecart sitting there that we walk around and try not to jostle, no longer really in the way, but shoved over in the corner.

The last session is a full Saturday, 10 hour, next week. We're supposed to have one on one time with specific agenda. I'm looking forward to it. H is gone yesterday thru tomorrow and I almost got tearful when he left--raging hormones NOT helping.

I'm glad for you that your counselor and you seem to be on the same page. Plan A isn't so different than dating behavior, is it? I hope for you that Jim's drinking is something he can either manage or quit.

I was reminded over Xmas that my brother went to AA for a couple years 2 decades ago (he's 9 years older than I am). He learned to manage his behavior. But his first wife left him on their 25 wedding anniv. His 2nd wife brings out a much better side of him...I've really learned a lot watching them. One spouse's behavior truly can influence the other.

Best wishes to you, Honey.

Lor,

Glad for you that you are getting closer to your H, and still learning. I think we always have to keep working at our marriages.

I can't believe my selfish attitude I had right before my H started the A... basically he owed it to me to support me, love me, etc. Well he promised to, but I can't make him can I? I can certainly encourage reciprocal behavior by loving him like I promised to, though.

I am so glad your marriage is still recovering, it gives me hope.

Lately I have learned that my job as a wife is to love, just that. I don't have to fix Jim, even drinking and all- that is his job. I love him, that will never change. Fixing or changing him is his and GOd's job, and I don't want it.

I get a lot more when I just GIVE, not demand.

Thanks for being here and offering your hope.

Hugs, Honey