I found out two days before christmas that my wife of of 2-1/2 years had an sexual affair with her manager at work. She had sex with him once with out me knowing, and then later with me.
After she confessed to everything and reassured me that it was protected sex, I am still uncomfortable having sex with her and have a hard time believing that in the heat of the moment with this guy he worn a condom
I want us to get tested for STD's but she is reluctant to because she feels like a tramp and that she thinks he is clean and plus it was protected. Should I insist on we get tested?

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable about this, I was the same way. You can't force someone else to be tested but for your own piece of mind you can get you tested. This is a good place to ask questions and find people who know what your going thru. Good luck and do something nice for yourself today.

Frank - you have every right to have both of you tested. This is not childs play, this is the life of a deadly desease.

If she won't, you can go yourself. I believe what you said, that I would fear he didn't have protection. When the heat of the hormones are soaring, action comes first before protection.

She also needs to be tested, since her sexual encounter was before you two had sex. Sure they all think that they are okay. Cause they justify their sexual act, thinking the other person is a caring, christian person. Did they ever during their sexual act, think anything about deseases, or what could be transfered to their spouses? NO!!!

Get your done first, to let yourself know that you have nothing. But you also, need to have her get tested. If she loved you, this would not be an option. State to her, that I am getting tested, for our health. Please get tested for our health.

But, the Harleys and counselors have all told me, STD testing is a MUST!!!! You don't know who the partner they had sex with, was with before you.

It is absolutely essential that you both get tested. She does not want to feel like a tramp?
It is clear that she was able to lie to you during all this so why do you believe her now?
The chances are pretty good that they did not use protection. In addition, protection does stop aids. Finally, you have some serious problems if she is having sex with another man and you have been married only 2 1/2 years. Does she show remorse or will this be a pattern of behavior for her? You both need marriage counseling and you need to find out if she is really committed to a serious marriage and being monogamous or otherwise what is the point?

Hi Frank,

Welcome to MB!

For me, STD testing was a given... My FWW didn't really want to do it for the same reasons <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ... but she was committed to rebuilding our M and had the tests done.

If your W is not willing to do this for YOU, then how committed is she to you or the M?

Decide what you are willing to put up with, then let your W know what your decision is. You have EVRERY right to demand that she be tested for STD.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

FYI-if your wife goes for a regular physical and pap smear there are several tests for STD's built right into that process. She won't even have to ask for them specifically.

I go for a yearly physical and they send me test results by mail.

Frank...

Testing is an absolute MUST. My H also had an affair with a co-worker. They *only* engaged in oral sex... Yet my H contracted herpes from her, and promptly brought the nasty little disease home to me.

He, also, thought she was "clean." She 'seemed like such a nice girl, why wouldn't she tell me?' grrrrrr <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (oh yes, honey, i would most certainly classify a girl who jumps on the floor of an empty conference room with a married man, to be 'nice'.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

Please get tested for your own health and safety... and make it part of your recovery that she get tested too! If she is committed to saving your marriage, this is a small request. Also, altho H and I both tested neg for AIDS we still have to go back in 6 mos. to get retested.

Alot of STD's are asymptomatic (no symptoms). The only way to know for sure is to get a blood panel for STDs, blood for HSV1 and HSV2, and for AIDS. (For some reason Herpes, ie. HSV1/2 are not included in the STD panel, you must get it separately.)

I cannot even begin to express the importance of this.

Baby

Both of you should get tested- but the best idea is to find an anonymous clinic (perhaps Planned Parenthood) that will do it. That is what I arranged for my H and he was definitely more willing to do it than if I had set up an appointment with his doctor. They were quick and asked no questions. Also discuss with your wife how she wants to handle it and what to say- rehearse a little bit so she doesn't feel embarrassed. You could make the appointment for her yourself. And don't feel a need to explain the reason why- a simple "X wants to get tested for STD's to make sure there are no infections" is probably enough.

Baby Blue
Member # 23327

I hear the same as well, it was only one time and it was protected sex. Somehow it is hard to believe that while your ripping the clothes off each other you stop and say 'oh wait a minute honey while I get a condom. Somehow I doubt it.

Frankdd -

I'm sorry for the events that have led to you being here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I will say though, there is a lot of hope offered in these pages, so stick around and learn from those who have been down this road longer. I have been lurking here for weeks and have gained so much hope and inspiration; I hope it is the same for you.

In regard to the STD test... I definately recommend that you do get the test, and that SHE get the test. I have only recently discovered my WW's A and she admitted using no protection. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I went to get my test, but the doctor told me that there is a "window" of time, a development phase, I guess, for some STD's. He suggested that I wait about 8 weeks since the last time I had intercourse with her, then get my test. If I was tested before that, he said that it was very possible, if I was infected, that the antibodies (that the test looks for) would not have yet been developed and I would get a false negative result on the test.

My test is this coming Monday, and I hope to have a good report.

I have also had it suggested (not by this doctor though) to have another STD test in about 6 months, and to use protection until that time.

My doctor then told me something that encouraged me, and I hope it does you also. He told me that in the 20+ years he has been a doctor, he has tested hundreds of couples after affairs, but has had only two that came back positive for an STD.

Hopefully, his statistics will hold true for me - and in your case too!

Best wishes,
Andrew

Frank,
She does not want to be tested because it makes her feel like a tramp? Sorry, that reasoning was clearly not in place when she cheated on you. She says it was protected? You may or not believe her, but chances are it was not. Even with protection, fluids can be passed and diseases passed along also.

If she wants to continue a relationship with you, she OWES it to you to be tested, and you must be also. This is not just courtesy, it could be life and death. What kind of message does this send to you?

My brother died of Aids contracted from an affair. His wife did not know about the A until he was hospitalized. Now she must deal with her own issues because they continued to have relations.

PLEASE protect yourself! Ladysing

frankdd-

My WW admitted to having unprotected sex once or twice with OM1 but she added that all of other times they used protection. Apparently they had sex frequently. She strongly resisted being tested after I learned about the first A. Same with the second A. She eventually called her doctor and was tested twice, each a few months after she stopped seeing the OM. She would not tell me what she was tested for, only that the results were negative. I decided I needed testing also since we had unprotected sex a couple of times while she was seeing OM1 and once while she was seeing OM2. Thankfully, my test results came back negative also.

You can not demand that your W get tested. You can only make a request respectfully. If I had not requested my W be tested, she would not have done it. If your W refuses to be tested, your only choices are to abstain or to at least wear protection every time. You need to tell your W about your decision and why you made that choice.

This is an issue that has lots of room for LB's. Be patient and be careful. Good luck.

HoFS

GET TESTED!
My H SWORE to me "You don't have to do that...she ISN'T like that!" uh-huh...suuuurrrreee she isn't. I told my H that we have 3 kids and ONE of has to be the responsible one and act like an adult! I went and talked to my Dr and was told that even tho they used protection (which I made my H prove to me by showing me either a condom package or a reciept) some diseases can be passed regardless. Mine came back negative (THANK GOD!) But I still have to do the 6 month waiting game like everyone else and do it all over again.

Good luck to you and God bless

Let me answer your question with a question of my own. If your W gave you a pistol, told you to put it to your head and pull the trigger but don't worry, it's not loaded, would you go ahead and trust her or you would check the gun first?
JMVHO

MTD

MTD, well said!

WOW!! I just posted my first time on JUST FOUND OUT this hits so close to home. Please read my story and you will understand why it is so important to get tested.