My husband and I used to work at the same building although we work in two different fields. After working in this situation for about two months, I noticed him spending a lot of time with another woman that works in the office with him. Of course I expressed my jealously but I convinced myself that there was no reason to be jealous because they did have to work together on several projects and there was nothing I could do about it. Besides the fact that I didn't see any reason why my husband would cheat and couldn't think of a "free minute" when he could be cheating. However, one day while working on his computer, I noticed he recieved an email from this coworker. The night before he had gone over to his best friends house to play cards (she is married to the best friend). Apparently, she played cards with "the guys" because they needed a stand in for a regular player. He had emailed her first thing the next morning about having fun playing cards last night. There was some drinking going on and what not. His next comment to her was this, "You looked really awesome last night - dressed and undressed." Her reply was, "What do you mean?" He responded with, "Just that you looked really good when we were playing cards and then when you went to get in the hot tub." They also talked about feeling weird around each other because I had once commented to him that I think it's weird that she plays cards with them and that it kind of bothers me. He mentioned this to her. So now I'm furious and upset because I learned she was with them all night and apparently he has some attraction towards her or why would he say those things? When I confronted him about it, he said I was taking it out of context and he just said it because she said she was feeling sick last night. We have been dealing with his comments now for three months but I can't get over it. He doesn't work here anymore thankfully but I still can't help but feel like he must have felt something for her in order to say that. He is hardly ever around her but I cringe when the four of us are together. She used to be a really good friend of mine but I can't help but feel resentment towards her now. This causes me so many problems during the day because it's all I think about sometimes. Am I overreacting? What can I do to get over this situation? I love my husband very much and I know he loves me too - I think I'm causing us problems though because I dwell on those comments.

No, you are not overreacting. Your husband thinks he has found a "legal" way to behave like a single man -- as in, "it's OK if she's a co-worker" -- and he is not about to give this up without a fight.

He went way, way over the line with his comments to this woman, to say nothing of lying to you about her being there. (This is his cue to say "But I didn't lie! I just didn't tell you!")

You must either deal with this RIGHT NOW -- as in establishing some very firm boundaries about how people behave in a marriage -- or you can look forward to YEARS of having him fight you over what is ok and what is not.

He's already dug in his heels. Do whatever you have to do -- talk to him, get a counselor, Plan B for a while, whatever it takes -- but do it NOW. Don't wait too long, like I did. Don't sit back and hope he'll just magically wake up and start doing the right thing on his own. He won't.

He's already shown you the kind of relationship he really wants. He wants the kind where he's a husband at home but a single guy at work, and he's shown that he's willing to fight YOU to keep it. Are you willing to settle for that?

Ann Smith-

I agree with pshcyo_b you are not overreacting! The first thing you need to do is to put this couple out of your lives. You and your H do not need a person like that in your M. I also would suggest you see a counselor and I would suggest you should get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs (from the bookstore here) and that both of you should read it.

Good Luck
STTSI

We (I) have been discussing this for so long that I'm sure at some point or another we have talked about everything you mentioned. He clearly understands how much this has hurt me. He knows he made a stupid mistake (so he says) and is willing to do whatever it takes to help me get over this. He has agreed to stop playing cards at their (her house) and if need be, we can stop hanging out with them on the weekends. Up until this point they have been good friends and I guess still are, I am just killing MYSELF by worrying about it all the time. When I get dressed in the morning, I worry about what I wear and make sure that I look "awesome" just in case he comes by to see me at school. I don't want him to think she looks better than me of course! I secretly follow him when he leaves school to see if he stops and talks to her and nine times out of ten he doesn't. I check his cell phone to see if he has called her - he never has. I am needing help more for my benefit because I'm making myself miserable.

Where can I locate Plan B?

I secretly follow him when he leaves school to see if he stops and talks to her and nine times out of ten he doesn't.
But he does stop & see her one out of ten times?

Plan B is not what you need just yet. It means separating from your spouse completely when all other tactics have failed to convince your spouse to end an affair and rebuild the marriage.

It sounds like your H has been willing to address your concerns. He made inappropriate remarks to this woman and should not have been communicating privately with her. If he realizes that he's hurt you, regrets it and is willing to end contact with this person, then that is a good start. It probably would be best to end the friendship.

I recommend getting a copy of Surviving an Affair-
(by Harley, available on this site). It talks about rules for marriage and the kinds of behavior (which your H did engage in) that lead to an affair. Also do the questionnaires (needs,lovebusters- also available on this site) and focus on strengthening your marriage. Present it to your H not as punishment for his wrongdoing, but your desire to do a little marriage tuneup to help the two of you have a fabulous marriage.

It will take time to recover from this incident, but remember if you've caught before it developed into something serious you do have alot to be thankful for.

All of the above presumes that your H is not engaging in clandestine contact with her and continuing with deceptive behavior.

Plan A is appropriate for you. It's basically working on yourself, trying to reconnect with your spouse and giving them an idea of what you want to work towards in your marriage.

Plan A now...

My ex-husband of 20 years is now engaged to marry the co-worker he had an "innocent" friendship with. We also did things with her and her husband occasionally, though not as frequently as you do.

This is not your fault...you sound like a good person and a loving wife. It will seem unfair that you have to do the work right now, but do study up on this sight and take the advice of the good people here. It may save your marriage.

Try not to hound him on this. If you must investigage, do it quietly and don't let him know everything you find. Keep your cool and your class. Sounds like this woman is nothing compared to you. She took her clothes off to get into the hot tub with how many men present? You and your husband need to stay as far away from this couple as humanly possible.

Thanks for all your help so far - My husband and I had another discussion about this last night and like you said, I probably am hounding him about it, which isn't making things any better. He understood my decision to not be her friend anymore and commented that he hates it that his stupid comment caused me to lose a friend. He said he also won't play cards over there anymore if that is what will help me move forward with this. As for not going out with them anymore, we are going to try and stop that too - that's a little more difficult, because like I said, my husband and her husband are really good friends and they work together. Most of the time we do have a good time with them - but then there are those times - the ones I can do without - where she gets drunk and flirts and flaunts. And, once again, my husband is willing to avoid them if need be.

I know he is not cheating on me but it just still hurts like he did (with the comments he made). It just makes me so sick that he found it necessary to say those things to her - I feel so betrayed and he accepts that. I just wonder what makes her such a special friend that he felt it necessary to tell her how awesome she looked? Why does she deserve to her that from him? With all honesty, he is a wonderful husband and father. He is very loving and caring towards me. We have a great connection and that makes this harder to stomach.

<<<I just wonder what makes her such a special friend that he felt it necessary to tell her how awesome she looked? Why does she deserve to her that from him? With all honesty, he is a wonderful husband and father. He is very loving and caring towards me. We have a great connection and that makes this harder to stomach.>>>

I know how you feel. We had a very good relationship too, and he is also the best of dads -- but just saw no harm at all in making other women feel good, too. Some men feel that if they are taking good care of you, and giving you everything you want and need, then what's the harm in sharing the love? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My husband is a horrible flirt as well. I've known that since day 1. He is forever putting his arm around other women or touching their back or neck. That's just how he is.

Now, I'm wondering if I should have put a stop to this type of behavior. It doesn't really bother me, normally, unless it's with someone I wouldn't trust him alone with.

Apparently, your "friend" must be one of those types of women who you wouldn't trust your spouse with. Not much of a friendship to lose, believe me.
DB

Ann

Mark my words. The woman in question is looking, and looking hard to have an affair with someone. It will happen. Sounds like your husband was smart enough to understand this and good for you Ann for not refusing to see what was happening and getting some good info. It may have saved my marriage if I was more like you. Instead I hid my head in the sand and refused to see what was happening - right in front of my face. This incident though, has maybe shown you that your marriage needs a little tweaking, and MB is a good place to get a bit of help. Keep up the good work Ann. Best to you both.

You don't know how much all of this has helped - I went home yesterday determined to express my feelings to him and I did - I don't think he realized exactly how much this affects my day to day routine. I think we can make this work and I owe the initail jumpstart to all of you!! Thanks so much for making me feel like "I" am worth fighting for!

I too know the feeling of sick to your stomach. And rethinking constantly. When my wife and her so called "Just an old friend" were sending e-mails signed cutzy little words and thinking of yous. I wanted to vomit. But you have to protect yourself. It take time because this is suppose to be your soulmate. The reality that your spouse could do this to you is hard to accept. But once you harden up and watch the computer and cell-phones ( I swear these are Major lovebusters) you will draw your own conclusion.

I think all marriages go through a wakeup stage when you see your spouses down side. I know this takes years sometimes, but ask people closest to you of traits your H has and if they agree. Other people see these long before we do. As you will read here, never completely trust your spouse, and you will not be in for any unpleasant surprises and can prepare yourself if need be. good luck.

Ann, I think it's good you've brought this all out and caught it early.
Now, I have to say the reason men say things like that to another woman is to get their reaction. Which means he was probably very close to trying to involve himself and her in an A!
He was fishing for her response and seems she was willing to go the mile as well.
I wouldn't consider it a lost friend! I'd consider it good insurance to keep this woman out of your social circle. If you're not going to end this friendship, then better learn to play cards and be with him when he does!
After all, if she can join in, why not you? couples game of cards. If H still wants his card playing buddies, then have it at your house.
My H and I used to play as couples with friends, or all the ladies would have their own game going at same time.
Most A's happen with someone known or in ones social circle.
I like the idea one lady suggested on a thread here. Put a security divice on the computer, or SPY device. It's invisible and you can check all the emails, sites visited, logged into, etc. I intend to do that as well though there appears to be no further secrets.
Some might say that's not trusting. Well, guess what? I don't anymore. No way do I ever want to be shocked like I was because I have had one heart attack and that night I found the emails, I was fortunate to have nitro at home. I really thought I was going to have another attack, and so did my son. He tried hard to call an ambulance for me but I refused as I was intent on calling their little hide away where they were vacationing in Fl. And I did! He ran out and wouldn't talk to me.
Oh sorry, off the subject. Any of your girlfriends who would not have told your H he was out of line is no friend of yours!
LouLou

We had a kind of rocky night on Thursday night - his buddies were getting together to play cards and of course he wanted to go but I stood my ground and told him how his being at her house affected me - whether she is there or not (some nights she stays at her parents' house until all the "buds" are gone.) He didn't go play but I know it upset him because he enjoys being with his friends. I hate it that I have taken that away from him but I hate it even more that we had to go through all of this. One comment he made to me was that eventually I am going to have to trust him again and believe in him and us. I want to agree with him and I want to get back to that point but I don't know how to??? I don't want him to never be able to go over to his friends' house and play cards and I really don't want to spend the rest of my life fearing the possibility of a "her and him." Because he has a different job now, he doesn't have an email connection so I check his old email for him - they can't communicate that way - I am confident that he is not cheating on me but I hate it that he wanted to flirt with her in the first place. I do want things to get back to normal though - I hate spending my days this way.

Ann:
What about the card game at your house? What about going with him? Or dropping in unexpectedly with some "snacks" for the guys? What about finding an alternative fun thing for the two of you to do on Thursdays that will take his mind off the card game with the buds. A bowling league? Couples golf?

I'm not sure about trusting him at some time. I agree with Harley in that maybe we shouldn't ever completely trust our spouses.

Good luck.
DB

He knows that he can have cards at our house or anyone else's house for that matter - but the house they go too also has a pool table and usually provided beer plus it's the middle ground for everyone who attends.

I guess it would be completely irrational for me to talk to the other woman about this. We were just really good friends and talked all the time at work and now that has stopped completely - I know she realizes something is up and because I don't think they were going to have an affair, I don't think she knows what is going on. I agree that she probably would cheat on her husband - she loves the attention from other men!!

Another problem - when my husband is in the area - he stops by on my lunch break to see me, which is wonderful because I enjoy seeing him if only for thirty minutes but to enter the building and exit, he has to pass by "her" desk - how can I enjoy him coming by and also handle the fact that he passes by her to come in or leave?

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<small>[ January 21, 2003, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Trust is something your FWH must earn back, through his actions...his words won't 'cut it' this time. IMHO, I don't think it's appropriate for you H to be going to her house to play cards. Not right now, anyway. The two of you should consider seeing a MC to help sort through these issues. It will help you both see each other's position on this issue.