I talked to my dear wife this morning about divorce, told her I wanted a divorce. I told her I loved her, always had, and always would; and that I'd always be there for her, no matter what. That although she may not see it or believe it now, I am doing this because of my love for her, and because of that love, I was letting her go...so she can find her way, the happiness that has apparently eluded her with me. And that I would do the same.

We discussed some of the details of how it would work, and I told her my desire was to part amicably, make it easy on everyone by agreeing on things. That I would be taking only what I needed for a modest home, and leave her with most of our things, especially to make sure the children would have what they needed.

She agreed. She cried...I cried. She hugged me and told me she's always loved me, and even though I may not believe it, she still does...

I told her I'd always loved her too, and that this made me sad as well...we cried some more. And we agreed we'd do this without a fight.

The deed is done.

Ah gee, SC. Knowing that it was coming doesn't help. I'm sad for you right now.

But I know that you've done this right. This will turn around for you, and her, in the near future.

All my best, always, to you and your family,
-Qfwfq

SC- sooo sorry to hear this! Sounds like you are doing what is right for you and your children and that is important. We are always here for you!

STTSI

Wait a minute. I'm confused. I'm not trying to throw a monkey wrench in here.... just having a brain fog...

Why are you doing this?

Am I foggy? All of a sudden, I'm wondering... why can't you live as roommates and parents under the same roof... if you still feel so much love for each other... and I don't hear you hurting... but you MUST BE hurting, and not talking about it...

WHy can't you do a strict Plan B? To me, if you still love her so much, Plan B SAYS you love her, but can't live a "fake" marriage. Divorce is "I give up." Are you ready to give up?

I'm sorry.... maybe I'm just confused today...

{{{{{{{{Space}}}}}}}}}

(((( BIG HUG SPACE )))

And we agreed we'd do this without a fight.
Until you actually get started doing it...

SC - my prayers are with you and your family today. As I said in an earlier post, I know how diligent and righteous your efforts to save your M have been. I admire your persistence and your determination to fight for your family. Your behavior during this trial honors all of us who take our wedding vows seriously. I thank you for that.

Hope you can find some peace today. Probably a good day to hug your kids a lot. Be well.

Thanks everyone for your support! From the bottom of my heart...thank you for being here.

Faith; It's not as simple as that. Over 18 months of endless ddays and promises I lost faith in her ability (much less desire) to be honest and truly work for our marriage. What could possibly change that now? She deserves the right to be happy, to find her own path, and to decide who she wants to be, what she wants her life to be.

It's highly unlikely I will be able to trust her again, no matter what she says now...so why try to force my way into a fake recovery?

We'll divorce as friendly as we can, (I'll fight only if I HAVE to), and we'll see what life will bring. I deserve to be loved and to be happy. I have lost all faith in her ability or desire to do that. What she is right now is not someone with whom I CAN be happy and feel loved.

I am happy for your personal growth. It has been good to see how far you have come.

I am so sad for the outcome when I know you wanted so badly for it to work. I've been praying for you also, still am.

SS

Space,

Now that I have a moment...What I wish for your wife is that she now be able to live a life of honesty. That she will no longer feel the need for secrecy and dishonesty. How devastating to her soul to live as she has for as long as she has.

Then there's you who have lived for so long being one of the recipients of her dishonesty. You have given both of you a tremendous opportunity to have a new life. You have set both of you free.

I wish that it wasn't so hard; but I know it is. I share your sadness for the moment and optimism for the future! Blessings, CSue

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

dear space-so sorry to hear this. its been a long road.

Dear Spacecase,

I couldn't think of what to say to offer my condolences and my support. This news brought me to tears for you and especially for your wife. This isn't the outcome you originally wanted, but I'm glad that you are able to accept it in the way you have done things all along--with love.

Take care Space

I'm so sorry Space. My hope for you is that you find the partner you truly deserve in life and that your W never wakes up. Because if she does it will hurt you both at what she's taking away.

I am both sad and relieved for you that "the deed is done." You have had so much patience and perserverance, you've put your all into trying. You've shown your W over and over again how much you love her, to no avail. You are right, you deserve to be loved and happy. If you don't think you will ever feel loved by her again, and that you'll never be able to trust her again, this is the right decision. Since she agreed, I think it further proves that you made the right call to bring up Dv.

What's really odd is that me and my H have already sat down and divided everything up, when we wrote up a separation agreement in August. We managed to be very sane and rational throughout, and it came out very fair. It is possible to do it. (When I look back I guess it's a bit odd <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> that I agreed to that separation agreement, and here i've been still hoping and trying to save my M.)

I hope this decision brings peace to you my friend.

((((((Spacecase))))))

Take care,

Jen

I'm at a loss for words...it's wonderful to hear from all of you, everyone's had words of support and encouragement and I thank you.

It's been an interesting day...we had our usual all family dinner tonight, the kids all skipped it (at these ages they are hard to keep down!) so my wife and I went. When it was time to go she came to my room, which she rarely has done, and asked me if we were going to ride together or separate; I said let's go together. She just stayed there, didn't say a word, but kept looking at me. I stood up, and she just hugged me. Put her head on my shoulder, hugged me tighter and just cried and held me tighter. Probably for 2-3 minutes she just held me and cried. Never said a word.
Then on the way there I put my hand out to her, she took it and held it all the way...

Why does it have to be like this? Why do we never learn that we can't let our egos take us beyond the point of no return to start showing what we really feel? If things like these had happened a few months back, even a few weeks back, there might have been some hope, maybe even enough to change the course of events...but now? I suspect it's too little too late.

Not that I'm reading much into this. It's probably just her accepting the inevitable and trying to show some love in exchange for the love and equanimity I've shown for so long...almost a "thank you for not rubbing in my face" or something like that.

Space,

just keep working on becoming that person you envision yourself being...

with, with out, with someone else....be true to your own self worth....and you'll be more than just OK...where ever you go...

Gods Grace to you
ARK

After reading my post, a friend sent me to this poem:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The Deed Is Done

The deed is done
and all the tension drains
as the end becomes
a resolution of the many pains
that through the years had built
in shadows deftly spurned, avoided
and all the endless guilt
that left us paranoid
just drifts away
as in the night the light of day
now shines
within a heart that finds
the courage and commitment of
the greatest deed of all - a love
surpassing realms of time and space
to fly with wings of living grace
guiding light that burns within
enhancing strength to start again…

Michaelette
8/6/99
Copyright© 1999 Michaelette L. Romano
All Rights Reserved

http://michaelette.com/thedeedisdone.html
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 18, 2003, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

SC,

I don't really know what to say. I am sorry it has come to this. Yet... I am glad that after all of this time there is a resolution to the endless worry and pain. I do hope that someday your W realizes what you did and what it cost. I suppose that won't happen to her until she is in your situation. And oddly enough I hope she never is.

More importantly I hope you never are again either.. I hope you two have discussed this with your children. I suspect that they will hurt very deeply from this. Do your best with them. It is often cited that teenagers and young adults often take divorce very hard. So talk, talk, and tak some more with them. Especially, the one in college. He will feel he has no place to call HOME now. I know it will leave him feeling very lonely. Do your best to help him. I doubt he will admit it, but I am sure it will be there.

I suppose that your W's trip to Fla was to see the OM again. Suggesting that she has learned little and still in the fog. If that is the case, she is due for a huge wakeup call one day.

Must go.

God Bless You SC,

JL

Space,

Reminds me of the book... that said ... we open the cage door and let the bird go... maybe lettting her have what she wants, freedom? is just what she seeks, now that you let her go, she doesn't want to?

Be patient through this, and keep letting go... that is the thing to do right now... she will let you know.. and I do think this show of affection is a way of saying she cares and loves you.

You are truly being the grown up, keep it up.

Hugs, Honey