In the book "Should I Stay or Go", author Lee Raffel talks about a concept she developed called Controlled Separation. In a nutshell, you jointly negotiate a contract for separation that includes everything.

My W and I have tried everything else from counciling to MB to church and nothing seems to be working. Next weekend, she will be moving out and we will be starting this program.

Just curious if anyone else has tried this and if it helped? I am not hopeful for my marriage, but I think this could at least give each of us peace of mind that we will be OK on our own.

I'm so sorry to hear that you seem to have tried all the right things, and yet it has come to this.

Where I live (Alberta, Canada) there is such a thing as a "Separation Agreement". My H and I wrote one up before I moved out. It listed all of our financial assets, listed out who got what, and indicated the value of all the items as well. I took all of "my stuff" when I moved out. We separated financially after our next paycheck (got our own individual accounts and credit cards). As for the house, we wrote the Sep Agreement to read that it would go to my H, and he'd have to write me an equity cheque, but not until (unless) we actually divorced.

You should probably inquire with a lawyer in your area. There may be a similar legal document that's possible where you live.

I hope my experience is helpful to you.

I'm not sure if the Sep Agreement was all that helpful relationship-wise, but it did settle any arguments about who gets what, so we could focus on other things (healing ourselves, etc.).

Jen

Thanks for the info Jen.

Actually, part of the Controlled Separation contract states that neither party will file for divorce or even consult with a lawyer until a certain time frame has passed. 6 months in our case. I guess it just gives peace of mind to the spouse.

Also wanted to say that the intent of this is exactly as you say Jen. We've tried everything to reconcile our marriage, and I think we've put the cart a little before the horse. I feel we need this time apart in order to heal ourselves.

I guess I should mention that where I live, neither of us can file for divorce until 1 year has passed, unless my h wants to try to prove (using evidence of some kind) that I was unfaithful, then he could have an instant divorce. He has assured me he won't do this however.

I think the idea of that contract having a "cooling off" period of 6 months where no one contacts a lawyer or files for Dv for 6 months is wise. As you say, take the time apart to heal yourselves, and maybe revisit things again when you're ready.

Take care,

Jen

Oops, double post, sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>