I have been reading the book, Surviving An Affair, lately, and I am wondering to myself, "How can I actually forgive and trust her again?"

I found out about affair #1 over a year ago and then affair #2 (different man) about 9 months ago. I moved out after that one, and we are moving down the road to a divorce now. She has wanted to reconcile ever since the day I left, and got help for some of the causes of the affairs (childhood sexual abuse).

I mean, here was a woman that I was married to for many years, had 3 children with, and her reaction to our marital problems (yes, I admit that I was the cause of a lot of problems) was to have meaningless sex with several men (who were 15 years younger than her), some of which she had sex with more than one at a time! She has tried to explain the connection between the abuse and her behavior now, but I'm just not getting it.

However, I love my children and hate to see them in so much pain.

Betrayed One,

First, as I have learned reading here, childhood sexual abuse apparently leads to many problems when these children reach adulthood. In someways MB is not designed to address these type of issues, although I think it probably gives a person a handle on how to react.

It seems to me once could be a mistake, twice is a trend. Hence you could expect that she will do it again. UNLESS there is some intervention based on her behavior and past issues. If that takes place then I think there is hope. She apparently wants you back.

My recommendation would be to talk with her counselor. Do a lot a reading on Childhood sexual abuse and the affects it has on adults later in life. There are at least 3 or more posters right now having to address their W's adultery based on being abused as children. Some of the W's have sought help, others have not. The marriage is ending for those that have not.

So, I would say listen to your W. Go get educated on this issue, talk with her counselor, and then perhaps reconsider things IF you and the counselor feel she has addressed her issues. You cannot cure her, you cannot love away her scars, but she can address them, and I suspect there then will be a possibility of your rebuilding your marriage. This apparently had little to do with you.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Yes there is healing. Is there a magic wand to wipe it all away. NO. You mention your wife had been previously abused. Her behavior though devestating is one of the many ways survivors act out to deal with the pain. I encourage you to research about childhood sexual abuse and promescuity along with the material you are already reading. You acknowledge that there were triggers in your marriage but that is only one aspect your wife was not only dealing with the stresses of marital life but with a severe emotional wound that has only really been addressed in recent years-meaing sexual abuse and the psychiatric community.

This additional research may help you find peace in why she acted the way she did. What happened to her was extreme, what happened to you and your marriage is extreme. Regardless of whether or not your marriage can be salvaged you will have to heal from this trauma. Divorce will only end your legal connection it will not help you come to terms with these issues. Once you both have dealt with these issues the question of the continuation of your marriage will be clearer to you.

Welcome to MB. This place is a treasure. The people here a great. You are not alone.

ayslyne

Thanks for your responses. She did go to counseling (after I moved out) and continued to go for 6 months. She has pretty much finshed her counseling now.

I would be interested in corresponding with others here on MB that are dealing with W's adultry based on being abused as children.

My W was not sexually abused but she was abandoned by her parents when they divorced, and left in foster care for about a year. Then when she was brought home by her mother she had married a man who was verbally and physically abusive that she stayed with for eight years. My W has very low self-esteem because of this and is very needy of affection and attention. When I found out about the A's I was as heartbroken as I could be. But I knew that I had really let her down as far as her EN's that were important to her. That's what I try to focus on. When I think of what I did wrong and work on myself to try and fix those things it keeps me from blaming her and becoming too upset with her behaviors. I think this only works when you have got it in your mind that you are totally committed to rebuilding your marriage