Update: Papers were prepared today, and he was ready to leave when house in order to put on market. Guess he really wanted this.
WE're now discussing or negotiating perhaps to try and do something different.
Obviously, the relationship cannot be good again, but there are financial considerations that are tremendous burden for both in divorce.
It's not like we have years left to rebuild. He's 63, me 60.
He has not discussed much yet, but thinking on a suggestion to just live platonicly here, keep our home, and live separate lives as we please.
No expectations from either other than the usual house chores.
For one thing, I would lose my health insurance that is paid mostly by Gov. I would have to take out a policy of my own and very expensive at my age!
Division of retirement savings cutting the income from that. And so on.
As for me, I would just as soon find hobbies outside home, maybe work some and fill my life with something that can bring some joy and happiness in a different way.
We both discussed that we did not wish to remarry, so the divorce would just be a financial nightmare.
Open Marriage? Well, I'm a Christian so I would not be having A's. What he would do I can't say.
How I would handle it, I don't know.
So we're in this dilemma now as to what to do.
Anybody ever heard of this type of arrangement working? marriage of convenience?
Who knows, maybe one day he might love me for real.
Maybe not!
There is more to life than just the marriage now. More that can bring joy and contentment I suppose. But sounds like for each of us, we don't wish freedom to remarry as we're through with marriage!
No way we can know one wouldn't meet someone down the road and change their mind. As for the moment, it's something to be avoided due to pain on both sides.
Any thoughts? LouLou

LL,

I think it could be worth a shot. On a trial basis perhaps? Certianly, in your situation, a divorce could be devestating to any savings.

As you stated, I see huge possibilities that love could very well grow from such a relationship. Perhaps not, but there is that chance.

However, in such a relationship there would also be many questions that would need to be answered. Who controls the finances in such a relationship?

I apologize for not remembering your details. My fear is that in such a relationship one might possibly be able to move retirement savings around in order to hide them from the divorce courts? Assuming that your H is capable of such a thing.

You would need to have all assets documented and perhaps have some sort of safety guidelines in place that would forewarn you if anything out of the ordinary were happening with them.

Protect your share of the retirement benefits, and financial assets including property. If you can be assured of that then I say go for it.

I wish you the best.

jd

jdmac, points well taken. yes, I must be covered for protection.
I will check retirment savings. I know I'm beneficiary, and I do know he couldn't even get them to give us a monthly check without my signature and agreement. He did send in forms at retirement telling them how much of a check we wanted each month, didn't have me sign and they sent it back for my signature. So I think he can't move without it either. I have a booklet here that will inform me of all the laws pertaining to it. I must check that.
Also, our home is joint so neither one can sell it or even will it to anyone else.
Checking is joint, so not much to worry there even if he cleaned it out. LOL
Basically. all our assets are in property and savings tied up for both.
Even if he went and filed alone, without me knowing, I'd be notified of course. And Ca. law is communtity property state. Everything we have has been acquired in marriage.
I know prior to his retirement as well, that the retirement savings would not even give him $1,000 dollars out without my signature. he may have could taken less, but not over that or even that much.
His pension is definitely to me if anything happens to him. Nothing he can do about that, or if divorce, I am entitled to part of it. Part of all his income, including SS.
life insurance, he could change beneficiary, but I'm not so much worried there. The monies are to stay in both names. And I will know if any chance and can take action.
We shall see. This arrangement is still in the negotiating stages. Both of us would be hurt by divorce. Splitting assets would lower our standard of living greatly so we're hoping to avoid that. Who knows. Maybe he will just want to divorce too. If so, nothing I can do about it, but I'll get what I'm entitled to.
My daughter is furious that I'm not divorcing.But then she's not going to be paying my bills either!
So, she'll just have to get over it!
Easy for younger people with the world by the [censored] to decide what we should do! Wait until they get to be 60 and see how they would handle it. LOL
Thanks for your reply and advice. LouLou