Well, I screwed up….but I think it actually turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me.

For those of you who don’t know my story, I do have a different agenda than most around here…in that I’m not sure what my agenda is! I have been agonizing over how our relationship started and questioning whether I ever loved my wife (though she definitely wants our M to work).

If you do know my story you probably guessed, I have been questioning whether I let the “one” (EA) slip away. I told OW NC, but it didn’t work that well as she called or Emailed me a few times when she was at the end of her rope. Then when I had given up on MB, she told me NC, so I didn’t get to send a NC letter to her as she did it to me first (she divorced, but is seeing a new guy). I kept feeling I needed some sort of closure, so I drafted a letter right after my W & I separated. Now, mind you, it was not a “Harley” sort of NC letter. It was more to let her know that I am doing well and I understood why she needs NC, not that I wanted NC to work on my M. At the time, I didn’t think I wanted to! Well, I never sent the letter, but I did revise it a couple of times to update things that have gone on and had it in an envelope in the glove box of my car. I really hadn’t thought about sending it though.

Wednesday, wife’s van breaks down and goes to the shop, so I let her borrow my car. I never even thought about the letter, but last night she took it to the car wash and apparently, went through the glove box and found it.

She came over last night to talk about it. Nothing like this has ever happened before, but much lesser things have gotten out of hand. Last night, she handled it perfectly (for me anyway). We calmly discussed it and I apologized and told her I thought I needed some closure from this friend I had for so many years. I told her I have since decided that would not be for the best. I do now realize this and this board has helped me with that.

We had a really good talk and went out and read some posts together. This morning I woke up and really felt something different. I don’t know…I guess it just feels like I realize I am an idiot for trying to throw away this woman who has always been there for me and thankful that she still is. Is this the fog lifting? I had an urge this morning to do something nice for her, so I went and put flowers in her car while she was at church. If you would know me, you’d know that is very out of character for me.

I’m still don’t think I “love” my W yet, but if someone loves me that much, I’d be a fool for not giving it another chance. Many people on my first post accused me of just going through the motions to say I gave it all I had. You were probably correct.

We still have many issues to work out, but for the first time in a year, I can honestly say that I don’t think we are “done”. I think I am wanting to make this work finally!

Perhaps you are right and the fog is lifting!!!!

You probably have loved your wife this whole time, but chose to believe that you didn't so that what you were doing wasn't so bad, as you didn't love her anyways. It's called revisioning, rewriting your history with your wife to fit the needs that you had at the time, it's typical of WS's even when they are in an EA, EA's are so hard for a BS to deal with it, it was the person that you were connected with because of who they were, it wasn't sexual. So remember this when working on your marriage with your wife.

The flowers were a nice touch, do things of that nature more often,i am sure that you will be rewarded for the kindness!!!

Make sure that you show your gratefulness from time to time for the second chance that you have been given!!!!

Best wishes to you and your wife!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Can't,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That is all that really needs to be said.

But, I cannot resist. It is an evolutionary process and as you peel the onion you find more and deeper layers: within yourself and your W.

I suspect you are about to start to see why people often come to this form after their marriage is recovered and state: "Somehow the A my spouse had/I had may have been the best thing to happen to my marriage." Which is usually followed by comments of great confusion about how something so painful and wrong could be good.

My comment is that it isn't the event that was good but how you and spouse handled it. You have really done all of the right things in your quest to sort things out. I suspect that is why your W can be as good with you as she has been. In turn she seems to be doing the right things as well.

So, I am not surprised that you come to this point. Keep up your quest. You are doing better than you think.

God Bless,

JL

Hi all, I am the spouse of Can’t Think of a Name.

Wow, what a message! I feel like a very lucky woman!

I’ve seen some good posts from my H, out here, but I must say this is the best one, so far! We’re getting there slowly but surely.

After we talked about the letter I found, H told me to feel free to post something out here if I thought I needed help dealing with my feelings or anything else. I only have praise to post and after reading his post, I have even more praise to post and more to be thankful for!

The last two weeks have been great for us, in my opinion. So when I discovered the letter, I was very hurt and shocked, but I had time alone to think about what he could have been feeling and thinking when he wrote it. I’ve been encouraged to journal my thoughts and feelings and I’ve written down some things that I wouldn’t want him to see w/o me being there to explain. So I was hoping and praying that was what was going on with him, that he just needed to get it out. And I really had a lot of hope with the fact that he didn’t mail it.

One of my biggest fears is that we continue to go along, growing closer, sharing more, etc and then a letter, or phone call or email between H and OW would throw a wrench into everything or even destroy what we’ve been building these last several weeks. I shared this fear with H. I’m not positive that he’s ready to say that something like that wouldn’t be a huge set back but he said he’s not waiting for that to happen, it’s not going to happen. But I still fear it could. So if anyone has any suggestions for me on that one, please feel free to share.

I felt our talk went excellent; we both handled it in a very mature and respectful way. Our communication is excellent. Just when we think it can’t get any better...it does!

When I came out of Church and found flowers in my (his) car, I wanted so bad to know they were from him. But I must admit, I thought they might have been from one of my girlfriends. I then realized that no one knew I was driving his car so they must be from him, so I asked.

I found this post Monday morning and it’s almost better, maybe it is better than the flowers! To see him say to someone else that he’s not ready to call it done! That’s huge to me.

Now I need to pray that I don’t try to take control and fix it all, right now. I know he still needs time and my patience and understanding, but I believe we’re on the right path.

Just when I thought I couldn’t love or care for him any more than I already do, something happens and it all comes spilling out of me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I love this man! He is wonderful and so worth the wait! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

kaaaa-chinnnng

sounds of love bank deposits

Can't think - You have obviously come a long way. I almost cried as I read your post. It's very warm, and I am so glad for you that you are beginning to see how wonderful your marriage truly is. As a WS I know what you are begining to feel, and I know it can be hard on your heart. Don't be afraid to feel the pain and share it. You are lucky to have this second chance. Learn from it, grow with it, and share it all. I wish you continued progress and growth. You are definately headed in a positive direction.

Fonzee - You asked what to do about your fears of set back due to e-mail, call, etc. These fears are reality in a sense. Don't try to push them under the rug, or try to make them go away. Allow them to exist, and allow them to go away on their own terms. Be comfortable telling your husband of them and let him know that you are not trying to throw it in his face, but simply that you need to tell him how you feel just to hear the reassurance sometimes. Can't Think - be sure to offer her reassurance whenever she needs it. She may very well feel it in her heart, but sometimes the BS just needs to "hear" it.

Don't push anything to happen, ALLOW it to. You are both doing fine in this, and I wish you continued growth and success in rebuilidng your marriage. My best to you both.