I have come to the conclusion that my wxh is a very selfish person in every aspect of his life.

I truly believe that he was brought up to believe that he was "special". His family all behaves this way. They are always right & everyone else is wrong. They never admit a mistake EVER.

When the A's were discovered my in laws blamed me & they still do. I had nothing to do with them (if I did I would've been there).

What's your opinion or experiences with this selfishness???

Welp Louser .... my Ex was the only boy of 4 children. His mom wanted a baby boy sooo bad, she tried and tried for a boy for years and finally she had my Ex.

My point is he is very spoiled by all his sisters and was by his mom as well. He could do no wrong in their eyes.

Although, since they've learned of his infidelities which resulted in various stds and illegitimate children from two different women, they can't very well blame me for that. At least I hope they wouldn't.

So I think their view of him has slightly changed over the years. Then again, they may be in some kind of denial themselves.

I guess the idea is to not care so much that you feel hurt or depressed by it. You ultimately cannot control what other people think regardless of what is fact or not.

I'm a firm believer that the truth will always come to light, ALWAYS. Bank on it.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ March 17, 2003, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

I feel like selfishness had a LOT to do with my H's A. I really feel like it is at the heart of the majority of As.

H came from a family where if you wanted something, you got it. You might not get the latest and greatest, but you got something comparable to what you wanted. Their mother was also crafty at changing their minds/wants if she couldn't afford to get them what they wanted. So basically they never have had to tell themselves "NO" to a want. Needless to say the kids' families now have financial woes, and we would to if it weren't for the fact that I take care of the finances. Does this play a part in him getting involved with the OW? Maybe so. He very well may have been so tired of never getting to have everything he wanted materially because I'd explain the money wasn't there - so in order to give himself something he "deserved/wanted" he indulged in an A.

About 1 week after d-day, I wrote him a letter. I let all of my emotions out. I didn't want to verbally discuss things because I knew he would distract me, chase rabbits, whatever, and I also did not want our children to overhear a heated discussion about what a sorry spouse he had been for 9 years. (I don't believe in poisoning little children against their father even if he's in the wrong.) In that letter I began with saying that he, for some unknown reason, felt like that he, son of John and Jane Doe, somehow was the center of the universe. Somehow was superior to all of the human race. Somehow was an island to himself that could do as he pleased any time he pleased and deserved to be pleased at all costs... Then I flowed into several examples of his selfish behavior through the years.

Yes, huge LB, but at the time I didn't know what LBs were, and really didn't care. He had two options with that letter, 1)take it like a man, 2)kick me out/leave. He chose #1, and I was really shocked. I half expected at least some anger on his part.

He has really changed in this department over the past year. He has matured a lot, so don't give up. Sure he has occassional relapses - especially with the money, but I've also tried to ease up on the money. There's no rule that says our 20 yr mortgage has to be paid off in 5. Even though that's what I would like, he apparently needs to feel free to buy "toys" from time to time, so it's been a sort of compromise. Even though my "way" is more sensible, his is more realistic.

Best of luck to you - skyline

in answer to your question is selfishness learned, no tI don't believe it is. Selfishness is a very human emotion that we are all born with. Just watch a bunch of 2 year olds, and you will see all are very selfish. We have to learn to not be selfish, thru our parents , and our own maturity.

I disagree with euphoria. I believe selfishness is a learned behavior. True, we are all born with a certain amount of selfishness but how far along we go through life exhibiting that character is up to the way we are parented. As children we are either taught that selfishness is wrong and grow out of that phase or we are encouraged by our parents by their laziness or example. My FWW is a selfish person and she doesn't even know it. Why? Because of the example of selfishness demonstrated to her everyday by her mother when she was growing up. And My mother-in-law is selfish but she doesn't realize it either because her mother brought her up the same way. Selfishness, as well as other behaviors can be changed but it takes a lot of willingness and work.

I'll go with euphoria on this one. Part of early child development is coming to understand that those beings that feed you and take care of you are people. That concept of "hey, there's someone with needs besides me" is the "unlearning" of selfishness.

The main reason why it isn't called selfishness is because they are babies and can't really manifest itself in destructive betrayals, but this same self-interest and lack of consideration for others has tremendous consequences as more power is obtained.

Everyone has an interest in self. It's what keeps us capable of living long enough to pass on our genes. A healthy dose is good and motivates us to fulfill out dreams and whatnot. But too much is called selfishness. The balance between self-interest and consideration for others is what is learned as we grow up.

Anyway, that's my take on it. It's definitely a bit more complicated than that since "consideration for others" can be seen as "what is good for the group is good for me" self-interest, but I think my main points are :

that self-interest is inherent to all folks starting from infancy and

that when moderation is not learned, it turns to a bad extreme.

jetes thats what I was saying, we are all born being selfish, and actually as an infant its probably a very useful survival mechanisim. AS ai said we have to lean to NOT be selfish as we get older thru our parents and own maturity.

Your wife learned to NOT keep her selfishness in ck or how her selfishness affected others due to her upbringing, but she wasn't born a clean slate only to learn these behaviors later on. So while you say you disagree with me, we actually AGREE , the wording is just sematics <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey louser! I remember you from the "old days" when I first began posting here. I don't post or read much any more either.

This thread hit home with me because of something that happened this past Sunday at my house. My in-laws were here for dinner and we were all sitting talking and some how the topic of my youngest brother-in-law, JJ, came up. This guy is 31 and has 3 kids to 3 different women, he's married to the last baby's mother and he does pay child support to the other two. Anyway, they were discussing all of JJ's old girlfriends and how many women were chasing him. My father-in-law said "what was that one woman's name? you know the older married lady who lived down the street?" My mother-in-law replied "oh I don't remember most of them were married who can tell them apart." I almost fell out of my chair. I tried, I really, really tried to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't. I asked them how and why they thought it was ok for JJ to have married women for girlfriends, They laughed it off like I was just stupid or something. So I tossed out my ace, I asked why it was different when their other son's wife left him for an other man. Brace yourselves here, my FIL said "we are Donovan's and we can do whatever we want, that is the difference, She had no right to cheat and then walk out on him."

About this time I was wishing for a large stick or a metal ball bat but I restrained myself. I just said that cheating is cheating no matter what your name is. Gosh I was seething though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So yeah I guess a lot of it has to do with selfishness and sadly a lot has to do with the values you are raised with.

It was good to see you louser. I hope things are going well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the input everyone. Maybe it's more an issue of empathy..Is that learned? I believe so. Maybe they go hand in hand. My xwh has no empathy for anyone...it's a terrible trait.

Sorry about that Euphoria. I just didn't read your response correctly.

There is definitely a negative corelation between empathy and selfishness. Selfishness is characterized by lack of consideration for others, whereas concern for others is tightly coupled with empathy.

There's a small number of people who are empathic but then act without concern for others, but I think there is some sort of personality disconnect in those folks. I think it's rare enough to be a non-issue.

EST:

Are you saying that my XH is a non-issue?? I hope I am taking this the wrong way.