Don't know if anyone remembers my story. Don't really want to repeat it now. Can anyone tell me how a separation can be the last resort to saving a marriage. We have been through so much this last year or so. My h says that he has done all he can to get those feelings for me back but they just aren't there. We are going to seperate in two weeks. He doesn't want to divorce me yet, but he needs time to work on his self and wants me to go home and work on my life, then maybe we can try again. Maybe not, but this is the only way we will know. Or I should say he will know. It is not what I want but I am going to do it for him. I have been reading a lot on here about how people feel relief from the rollacoster ride after the separation. He feels he needs this relief. I am trying to understand but I really am hurting. I would rather stay and continue to work on us. He says the only chance we have to save marriage if at all is to seperate. Please someone give me more insight to this idea. We both or feeling the stress add up.

gonetofar,

When you are sick you try to stay ith the closest person to get support and not to push them away. I don't remember your story but I could read it after this quick post.

The only condition that both of you should separated during working out in M if and only if one or both of you LB at all time.

Are you sure the OP is not back in the pictures ?.

Did both of you follow the narrow path to recovery by following 4 rules of recovery ? Any conseling ?

-rh-

gone,
If he is sincere that he wants to work on himself, separation could possibly be a good thing.

Does he show any signs of working on himself?
Is he seeing a counselor?
Reading books? Tapes?
Classes? Self-help/support groups?
Tuning into Dr. Laura/Dr. Phil/Dr. Harley?
Going to church? Seeking any religious counsel?

If he's not doing any of these...the usual explanation for the WS's words of "working on myself", "needing relief", "needing time/space/a break" is time to see the OP without interferance from the BS.

Separation can decrease the household tension, and though it doesn't necessarily lead to divorce, it usually is a step away from the marriage or toward divorce, at the very least it is detachment.

Thanks for responding to me. I was the ws. We moved 3000 miles away from him a year and 4 mos ago. My husband is very sorry for what we have both done to each other. Right now he does not like his self for I believe he blames his self for pushing me away. He wants to see if he can get past the hurt alone cause the pain is still there with me here. I don't believe there is any one else. We are together every nite. He is not sure if he wants a divorce at this point and I certainly do not. I guess he just doesnt know what else to do to ease his pain. He has tried to for over a year. He gave this analogy about having a torn in your finger and when you finnally get it out and heal you are more willing to get another one. I don't know the answers and I just hurt so deeply over this loss I feel. He has told me that he doesn't know how bad it will hurt him to see me go, but that is what he needs to feel to repair if possible.

gone,
Well, obviously I'm not familiar with your story, wasn't aware who was the wayward one...but, on reflection, I don't think my questions about the signs indicating search for change changes.

Betrayed spouses are very vulnerable to having an affair of their own. And, at that point, their behavior is little different than the initial WS's. Thus his "need time for himself" still rings alarm bells for me.

I'm both FBS & FWS...and though the issues for each are very different, recovery is more likely when the partners are together.

On the other hand, you can't force him to stay. Are you willing to do Plan A? No lovebusters? Plan A is designed for dealing with a spouse in an affair, but I think it has applications for separation as well.

Lor,

You could be right about someone else but in my heart I don't believe that is it because he is very against affairs period. And we are always here together. I am the one that will be leaving and going back 3000 miles home where my family is. He says that he is only going to concentrate on his self for now. Dieting, exercising and work. I honestly believe that, but if the other is true, I surely won't know about it back at home. Yes, I have tried a plan a, but it just didnt help. I think truly it is about him. How can I continue plan a from 3000 miles away? I have no choice but to leave because this is not going anywhere. When I think he may be coming around it blows up in my face. Like for instance, he will kiss me goodbye and I say I love you and he says it back, then boom, he goes back to being colder and wanting me to go, but not sure if it is the right thing to do. Do you think the separtion will help any. He told me that it would be easier to just say it is over and divorce. He is not ready to go that far yet. One time recently he made the comment to his sister and I that he would like for everyone to just go away for twelve weeks till he has completed this body for life program, then everyone can come back. That is what I am thinking this is about.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gonetofar:
<strong>I am the one that will be leaving and going back 3000 miles home where my family is.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why you have to go that far ?. Why not just renting a short term furnished apartment in the other part of town ?.

Are you sure there is no OW ?, like Lor says the indication of OP is very strong.

About your separation ... it is like plan B, to see if H is going to miss you. However you better be sure you did a good plan A. What had you done in plan A ?, why he it didn't have impact ?. Your H might feel guilty about your plan A and need to push you away. My exW, I am the BS, pushed me away since I did plan A'ed and she could not take it ... but she choose OM.

-rh-

I believe it has actually helped my W and I. I bought a book called "Should I Stay or Go" by Lee Raffel. It describes separation as a way to help "fencesitters" such as myself and your husband make a decision. It is definately NOT endorced by MarrigeBuilders, but we are trying to incorporate some MB principals with what is outlined in this book.

The idea is that you mutually agree (ie POJA) on a "contract" for the separation where you lay out everything. The length, financial considerations, child care, furnishings, dating, etc. and stick to it.

However, another important part of it is that you need time together to reconnect. You have scheduled dates nights and times to discuss with each other how the separation is going. Therefore, you need to be somewhere close so that this is logistically possible. Not 3000 miles away.

So in summary, I for one, think it can help. But would advise against it if being that far apart is a term of the agreement.

I HATED that book. It's not endorsed by MB for a good reason. It tries to have you make a major life decision based on EMOTION and how something makes you FEEL. Making decisions based on emotion is exactly what brings about affairs in the first place!

The book was terrible and I hate that I ever bought it. I've never thrown a book away...so it still sits on my shelf...and I don't want to endorse it by selling it on the internet...so it will probly continue to sit there until I finally get the heart to throw it out.

Make a plan, with a timeline, based on RATIONAL THOUGHT and stick with it, even when emotion tries to pull you in another direction.

Marriages are saved through action (often very scary) not just when things feel "right" or "good".