marathonman:

"my wife does not really want to speak with me..
although she was suprised when I spoke to her earlier this week and was very calm!! she actually noticed!!"

This is something very good that you did for YOU. It's a small step, and you and she will backslide many more times in the fu2re, but rememeber what you did 2 evoke her reaction, and focus on those things. Postive stuff. Not negative stuff.

"still she wants to split all assets and debts.. buy the house from me.. get me to move out and her to move back in!!"

Great! Let her! You'll have 50% of the assets, plus 50% of the equity that's in the house from which 2 build your foundation of recovery!

"I guess what I'm looking for is direction in this war... looks like the lines are drawn in the sand, and she is onward!!"

Big deal! Direct your attention entirely inward, and 2 your kids. Forget about trying 2 understand your W's behavior, because that will make you crazy... I mean "crazier." I know how hard this is 2 do, because I haven't done a great job of it and I've had 16 months 2 work at it. But it IS possible.

"Is there a chance that shwe will still want to get back together..."

Sure, there's a chance. But forget about it for now. She's not your problem. YOU and your imagination are!

"we have had some major fights over the last few months..."

The only solution 2 these is 2 simply stop having them. Again, easier said than done, but very necessary.

"I have no idea if she is spending tome with RAT MEAT...but the gut feeling is there."

Get rid of that gut feeling, or you'll never get anywhere. Even if she's flaunting a R with RM or anybody else, this gut feeling is a PROBLEM that's hindering your ability 2 think clearly.

"There has been no SF with us since Xmas... that is why I think OM is taking care of those needs.. therefore no need for MM.."

I had thoughts like this 2, but in my case it wasn't possible that it was going on. That made it easier for me than it will be for you 2 realize that it was my imagination running away with my ability 2 think clearly. In truth, our sex life was suffering because of our problems, not because she was "getting it" elsewhere. It's not that important 2 her. And when I realized this, and where our real problems lie, it isn't that important 2 me, either. Also, it STILL doesn't matter a hill of beans whether she's having SF with someone else or not.

"direction please!!"

Okay: INWARD!

-ol' 2long (aka Qfwfq)

She never moved out. But, like your wife, in her mind it was over. No way did she want to continue the terrible way it was. She says she stayed because I started meeting the needs the other guy did. Basically, it seems I had win her back. I guess it isn't much different than me wanting to go back to a restaurant where I got bad food and sevice. Especially, when there is a great new restaurant in town! (moving to food analogies) What would the old restaurant need to do to get you to come back?

I am reminded of a old confusius joke regarding the war analogy. "War doesn't determine who's right, it determines who's left".
What did you think of the let them go thought? Actually, it makes you attractive to them if you show that you can move on. They can see you are not clinging to the terrible way it was.
I really can not give any help in the crystal ball department as to what she will decide going forward. Just remember the ticket may very well be behaving your way to creating emotions in her for you again. My first book I read was "The Five Love Lauguages" by Gary Chapman. I was awed after reading it.
What helped me, was determining how she experienced me, and thus how I could change her experience of me.

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: looking both ways ]</small>

2LONG
Thanks..,
Question Why do you say that splitting the assets is good? Is the building a new foundation for me or for both me and my wife... if the later, how would that happen?
I have stopped lbing and don't plan on it at all when I see her..
have to get in touch this weekend to discuss splitting of assets and custody..hopefully I can stay level headed..

LOOKING BOTH WAYS
Thanks for the food analogy. Looks like it comes down to showing her the best MM possible. thanks for the insight

mm:

"Question Why do you say that splitting the assets is good? Is the building a new foundation for me or for both me and my wife... if the later, how would that happen?"

Good because she's adamant about doing it anyway, so you might as well let her figure out through experience whether it's what she wants or not, and good because you'll have "half, plus half the equity" in the house 2 "start over" from. I know it doesn't sound good from your position, but you probably would admit that just not being around her all the time has probably helped you level off, hasn't it?

"I have to get in touch this weekend to discuss splitting of assets and custody..hopefully I can stay level headed.."

You can, because you know that you need 2! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-2long.

Hello Marathonman and mortarman

I also need the Psyco stuff and work on it...

Care to post here so we can all benefit?

Good luck Marathonman U have substained a lot and I hope all you do from now on is for your own good no matter the outcome.

MM,

Sorry I havent gotten back before now. I have had duty since Wednesday night thru this Sunday, so I actually dont have a lot of time right now. But I dont want to keep you hanging.

You are getting some great advice, but let me get specific with what is going on now.

First off, you said my wife talked to me, but yours doesnt. Well, not really. First off, I had the kids and for the first good portion of our separation, most of it was spent with her calling because of the kids or to talk to the kids. Remember what Steve Harley told me? Those kids were my biggest asset (and are yours too!). Most of the time, we wouldnt hear from her for days. Since I had the kids, many times, I made pretexts of calling her while I was in Plan A, in order to relay some kid related stuff. But look. She didnt want to deal with me. She had chosen her screwed up life and was TRYING to make it work. My influence and presence did nothing but cause her problems. The OM was constantly pissed when she had to talk to me or when I came over or she came to see the kids. He KNEW that as long as there was contact, there was a chance she could be pulled back into reality.

Having the kids is your best asset. Sure she has them in your case. But guess what? That means you get to call to say goodnight to the girls, to come over and see them, etc. During this time, I have really gotten a lot closer to my kids. That should ne your first motivation. But remember I talked about earlier about psyops? No woman cannot help but notice and feel SOMETHING for someone that is treating their kids well. You want to get behind her walls? It will be through how you do with the kids.

Your trip to the hospital did not help. It shows her that she really needs to get away from you. MM...it is time to get control of this situation. Now that she has moved out, YOU control times of engagement with the "enemy" (war analogy), and where the engagements will happen. If she "attacks," you have the ability now to pull back to a safe position and regroup. Without the constant mess around you, you will now be able to THINK!

So, what to do now? First, she wants to split assets. Okay, do it. Like was said from others above, it cant hurt. My wife and I split everything as we moved her into her apartment. And now? Everything is back together...so the 50% I "lost" is now back under my roof. Use this opportunity in order to start setting your boundaries. You talked about how calm you were and she noticed. THIS IS PLAN A! It is the first engagement by you that you have won since I have been reading your posts. It was a small battle, but you won it nonetheless. The Leviathan has been slowed now. Sure it hasnt stopped, and it will take awhile to turn it around. But it has been slowed.

Live in your successes. When yo udo something right, enjoy it. Many times, when you do something right, you will know it by her angry reactions and/or disbelief. She expects you to fall apart. She expects you to go psycho. She expects you to be a major pain in her butt. When you dont do these things, she has NO ONE to fire at. And then she has to live with herself.

She will no longer be able to blame you for her daily or hourly feelings. She will begin to see that her problems are exactly that...HER PROBLEMS. It will take time. But she cannot look at herself until she gets her eyes and focus off of you.

One thing my wife has said several times in the last week is that she sat in her apartment so many times, especially near the end of the affair, and asked herself what she was doing. Where was her life? She had sought out an affair because I had left her lonely and afraid. And now that she got what she THOUGHT she wanted, she was now even MORE lonely and afraid. Reality began to seep back into her life.

We will get a more in depth plan together over the next week. But right now, concentrate on setting up your headquarters, setting up what will be your life for awhile. Get comfortable in it. Splurge a little on yourself. You will be here for awhile. It took my wife over 7 months of separation to fully come out of it and come home. Yours could take more, or it could take less.

Give everything you have to this now. As 2long said, turn inward. Your first mission is get yourself together, get your life together. Okay, you don’t have any long term goals yet because of this. You don’t know how this will turn out. So, leave the long term goals out of it for now. Don’t make any life altering changes yet. Concentrate on you.

It was like in basic training. We knew we had 13 weeks of hell to go through. But you couldn’t concentrate on that. It was too long and too hard. So you lived from one meal to the next at first. “Okay, I am going to make it to lunch.” Then after lunch, I would tell myself “Now I just have to make it to dinner.” It’s called survival. Did I do the things I needed to do in those days? Sure. But I was only able to do so by concentrating on what I could control and not worry about the rest.

In war, you cannot control what the enemy does. You can influence them, but ultimately, they do what they want to do. Your job is to take care of what you can. God will take care of your wife. He has promised this to you.

So, first mission is to stay calm like you did before. It will go a long way towards her beginning to drop her barriers. Second, if she wants to split things, then do so. Don’t be a push over and give up what you own or are entitled to. DO NOT BE DEFEATIST!

Remember, the odds of your wife “winning” this war are not good. The odds are in your favor. Trust them.

We will get into specific things you can do the first of this week and get your overall plan together. Get your head on straight now. Stay calm. Trust God. Trust the plan. And you will find things happen pretty much the way all of us have gone through this.

Maratonman…it is okay to vent here…to let out your frustrations, doubts, fears. But go away from here ready to do battle. Fake it until you make it. Fool yourself if you have to. But keep moving.

More later.

In His arms.

<small>[ May 17, 2003, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Marathon Man:

I just want to say that I really empathize with your despair and sense of desperation. Although we can understand the wonderful recommendations and strategies we get on this site, it does not relieve the pain we feel. I like what Mortarman said about how he made it through Basic Training. That was very helpful. Also the analogy of trying to survive. It is very awful to be abandoned and rejected by the person you thought would be with you until "death do you part". I'm with you Marathon Man. Let's hang in there and not give up hope.

I'm trying to put this in God's hands and LET GO but it's hard.

2LONG
Thanks for the tip on the assets.. She is really set on getting on with her life..lets see what comes out my meeing with her on Monday. I have told her that in the past that I would let her have the house.. but the more I look at it..the more I think it would be best if I stayed where I am for now.. If I can get the girls 50% of the time.. they will have a place to call home.

MATHILDE
Sorry to see that the same thing happened to you.. when we get married, we never think about things like this happening..I should have seen this coming a few years ago when my wife starting talkin about OM as her best friend... while she was with me...the OM supposably called it off.. at that time it was accodring to my wife an EA.. only kissing... she has never admitted to an PA.. says it never happened..she cried her eyes out..guess that is a sign of a broken heart and that she loved him... this RAT MEAT is also married.. common law with a little girl.
I am just so glad that you do not have any children to worry about...
I hope things work out.. but look in your heart to see what is it you really want...There are a lot of good men who will treat you like gold..If you still love your husband, stick to the plan and fight for waht you belive is best.

MORTARMAN
I know that you are very busy... so thanks for taking the time to check in..
I will continue the best I can on remaining calm whenever I am around her and the girls.. showing the best dad imaginable..
The only problem is that my wife is limiting contact with the girls...says that she does not want me talking to them every day.. too much contact.. she does not want me calling before bed..since that would make them upset...she says that she will call every second day for me to talk to the girls...it has only been almost two weeks, but she seems to forget to call. This really hurts since up until she left, I was able to read stories to put the girls to sleep.
You mentioned that the odd of my wife winning the War is not good...how do I know that I am getting into her heart and how do I know when to give up the ghost?? I want to get this plan in gear and win the war... You do suggest that I dont move out! If I tell that to my wiife she will freak out..she is set on me moving out and her moving back in!!
I have no idea if she is back on with Om.. if she is it most likely has turned to a PA..but after talking to the psych.. she says if I have no facts .. drop it! That is why I can't control her.. she is going to do what she wants anyway!
if she is with RAT MEAT . she is gettting what she wants..all the phyical attention..doesn't that allow her to put me out of her mind?
The best to do is as TOO LONG stated...look inward and be the best I can be...build a better MM..and stay calm..
Please keep the advise coming.. I need it more than ever.
I am having a hard time in trusting God..that he will bring her back.. I am trying to pray.. but I'm looking for the signs from God that he is with me and that he is not going to let me down..
Thanks
I

MIMI1254
It is always so difficult to be dealt the cards our spouses have laid on the table..
Thanks for the words of understanding. The only thing to do is to stay focused and look at being a better person.. This has been a very emotionally trying period. especially in the last two weeks.. May 5 2003 will go down in my history as a epriod of new beginning..My wife still turned her back on me and continued on... It was the lowest point in my life and she was not by my side.. she was more interested in moving out..
I guess what I'm trying to say is that whether we like it or not.. our spousews have made decision and we have to leave it up to them to find their way home if it what is meant to be..Like Mortarman said.. the only one wqe can control is ourselves..so lets make the best of it.. I wasted 5 months...and spent that time bickering about something my wife said did not exist(EA with RAT MEAT).
The thing about putting in Gods hands..
I am having a hard time trusting in him.. but look at it this way..he is the only one who can make this happen the way it is suppse to.. He is my last resort.. so I do try to pray and am trying so hard to get that faith to leave it in his hands..
So Pray as hard as you can and be the best you can be..
Sorry to ramble.. just trying to say I understand where you are ..
Take care!
I

I was surfing the MB board and came acroos this link someone referenced. I thought of you and thought you might want to read the "developing a stategy" article.
It says the same things you probally already heard, but repetition works. Reading it 100 times wont' hurt. Well, it took a lot for it to sink in for me.
Take care.
http://rr.kimcm.dk/start.html

LOOKING BOTH WAYS
thanks so much for the link.. I read the first part and will sign on later and read the rest..
The girls spent yesterday afternoon with me as well as last nite.. all went well..on another note I am meeting my ww for breakfast. We have to sit down and discuss splitting the assets and custody of girls. It's a big thing for her to want to have a meal with me, since over the last few months it would have been impossible.
I have not raised my voice to her and have not mentioned RAT MEAT!
I has considered getting up early and drive over to her apt to se if the SH**HEAD was there but that would only make me feel worse.
Thanks again...every little bit of info helps...even though it has to be read a few timers to sink in..
Take care
I

MM,

Hope things went well this morning with your wife. Let me start now by getting to your post to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that you are very busy... so thanks for taking the time to check in.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No problem.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will continue the best I can on remaining calm whenever I am around her and the girls.. showing the best dad imaginable.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good, but I am reading some things into your posts that cause me concern. When you say "making the best MM you can," what do you mean? What is your motivation? Is it to get her back? I get the impression it is. In the beginning, it was for me also. And when I didn't get the desired results, I became depressed and wanting to quit. Making a better MM is not about your wife, or getting her back. It is about getting you straight, and then you will be ready for her, or someone else if it doesn't work out. You need to change your focus from your wife to yourself right now. It is okay to be "selfish" right now. Work on you FOR YOU. Be there for your kids FOR YOU AND THE KIDS. The SECONDARY results from this will be what they do to your wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only problem is that my wife is limiting contact with the girls...says that she does not want me talking to them every day.. too much contact.. she does not want me calling before bed...since that would make them upset...she says that she will call every second day for me to talk to the girls...it has only been almost two weeks, but she seems to forget to call. This really hurts since up until she left, I was able to read stories to put the girls to sleep. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are you allowing this? To placate her? If she is limiting your involvement and interaction with your children, document it and give it to your lawyer. It does not help you, your children, your divorce if it comes to that, or even your marriage, to let her run over you. Those are YOUR children also and you have every right to see them, talk to them and be with them. It is not up to her to judge whether your contact is making the kids upset. DO NOT LET THIS CONTINUE. Put your foot down now on this and do not give in. If it comes to divorce, the judge will look at how you allowed her to take the kids, and limit your time and he will perceive that you do not have a problem with this. YOU MUST FIGHT FOR YOUR CHILDREN. When it comes to them right now, your wife is not on your side. She is not supporting you as their father. When you do this, you don't have to get angry or argue. Don't play that game either. Just have her sit down and discuss and equitable custody deal, where both will have full access to the children. If she balks at this, let her know that you would like to settle this amicably, but if she is going to continue this way, you will have to seek legal means. Then give her the chance to re-consider. If she doesn't, FILE FOR CUSTODY IMMEDIATELY. It ALWAYS helps to be the first to file. I filed…and my marriage is back together. While you want your wife back, she may not come back, even with the odds against her. But the things you do now will decide if your life, and your children's lives, will be what they should be no matter what the outcome. She is going to try to bully you into submission, so she can get everything she THINKS she deserves. It is not an LB to stand up for what is right, as long as you do it in a cool, respectful, and firm manner. DO NOT WAIT ON THIS. She is moving fast right now. Get custody filed ASAP, either by a joint agreement between the two of you that is written out and notarized, or by having your lawyer file with the court. Once you approach this subject with your wife, if she balks, DO NOT WAIT. That conversation, if she doesn't agree to your terms, will most likely push her to immediately filing for custody herself. You MUST beat her to the punch on that. I filed first, even while working on the marriage. She was very upset for awhile, but she soon realized that I was serious, and that my relationship with my children was non-negotiable. That I was willing to split assets, and to be a "doormat" as I tried to save the marriage, but my relationship with my children was not on the negotiating table. More on this soon!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You mentioned that the odds of my wife winning the War is not good...how do I know that I am getting into her heart and how do I know when to give up the ghost?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You will know. But stop looking. The best way to do this? Write a daily journal. Tell what happened in it, what you did and said to her and just for yourself. Write down YOUR perceptions of her reactions and conversations. Then periodically, go back and read them. See how she changes, how she flops like a fish out of water. Watch her inconsistency. Watch yourself get stronger. As you are able to look back, you will see the changes it is kind of like the stock market. Daily, that graph goes up and down. But over the long haul, the trend is upward. That is how you will see it. But if you are caught in the daily ups and downs, you will not see the improvement. And you will miss out on your opportunities to move it forward.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to get this plan in gear and win the war... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good! Your first mission is get control of the kid situation. Also, get yourself set legally. See a lawyer and draw up the paperwork for divorce. Have it ready and documented. That way, if it comes to the point, you will be able to fire quickly, if need be. I was the first to file for custody, and for divorce. I didn't move it forward, although I was close a few times. But the paperwork was filed. That way, she would be on the defensive throughout the process…she would have to respond to my charges. I know you want to save your marriage. By being strong, it will help in the end. Trust me on this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do suggest that I dont move out! If I tell that to my wife she will freak out...she is set on me moving out and her moving back in!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She will freak out? So what? She is ALREADY freaking out. Look, standing up for yourself and your rights is not an LB. Sure she will have a negative reaction to it, especially if you do it in an angry, mean or vindictful way. But I would guess at this point (as my wife did early on) that she has lost a lot of respect for you. How you handle this, and handle your kids will go a long way toward regaining some of that respect. She cannot fall in love with someone she does not respect.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no idea if she is back on with Om.. if she is it most likely has turned to a PA...but after talking to the psych…she says if I have no facts .. drop it! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, here I might get flamed by your psych, or from others here. Look at WATS rules One of them is that all affair research is good…that includes snooping. At this point, she has moved out it is time to document her affair. If you cant afford a PI, buy some beer for some friends and have them stake her out. Get pictures of them together. Get a log of their interactions, times, places, etc. Even though she has moved out, most states still recognize her as still being married. Unless you have a separation agreement, your wife is still bound by her marital contract. Where do you live? We are a fault state in Virginia, which makes filing for divorce so much easier because adultery is against the law. No matter whether you are separated or not (no legal separations here). It is time to get you act straight. I have an e-book I can send you that will outline what you need to do. Of course, all of these actions must be done without her knowing, if you want to save the marriage. This is insurance for you should things continue to go badly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is why I can't control her.. she is going to do what she wants anyway! if she is with RAT MEAT . she is gettting what she wants..all the phyical attention..doesn't that allow her to put me out of her mind? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU WILL NOT BE OUT OF HER MIND! That is exactly what she is TRYING to do. That is why she is limiting contact for you with the kids…so she doesn't have to see you or hear your voice. She needs that to make her fantasy world work. You cannot control her. But in a relationship, if one changes, all others have to change also. Concentrate on controlling YOU!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The best to do is as TOO LONG stated...look inward and be the best I can be...build a better MM...and stay calm.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Like I said in the beginning, make sure you are doing this for yourself, not for her. When you do this, you will then calm down. And she will notice.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please keep the advise coming.. I need it more than ever. I am having a hard time in trusting God...that he will bring her back.. I am trying to pray.. but I'm looking for the signs from God that he is with me and that he is not going to let me down. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My man, it is time to get into Bible study, to get back into the Word. I had left church right after I found out about this in April 2002. I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped praying. In November, I went back to church. I attended a divorce Care group. I read and studied on relationships, marriages, etc. I got back into studying the Bible (a great thing you can do right now is something my friend showed me…Go to Psalms and study every passage that is numbered with the same last digit of today's date…like today is the 19th, so study Psalm 9, 19, 29, etc.). Get books on God's promises study them everyday. Commit them to memory, so when you are tempted with despair, you can have the tools to fight that. Study Hebrews 10 also. This is what is going to happen to your wife, unfortunately. If your wife is saved, God is not going to let her continue in her rebellious ways. Hebrews 10 outlines this. He promises that He will repay, and justice is His. Look back on your life and see where He has been there for you. That is where your trust must spring from. So that, even though you might see or feel Him today, you can know that He is still in control. MM, this is the biggest area you CAN work on for you right now. If you read my early posts here, you will see that in my prayer life, I got an answer from God concerning my wife. And as soon as I adhered to it, the walls began falling down and my wife and I headed for reconciliation. The three things were 1. Don't worry about or try to control Mrs. Mortarman…God has her; 2. Get back to my First Love (Jesus); and 3. Die for your wife. Dying doesn't mean killing yourself. It means being her husband. It means doing the right thing always, no matter what she does. It means understanding that YOU must lead HER out of this, not with words…but with actions. Many times on a battlefield, when a unit is being crushed, it is the leader who charges forward that helps rally the men. Did he yell at them and tell them to get with it? No. He led by example. You must treat your wife and love your wife as Christ loves and treats all of us (read Ephesians). Look at what our roles are to be as spelled out by the Bible. The Bible talks about women submitting (I WILL get flamed from some of you women out there!). Submission is not slavery. It is a woman understanding that her husband is held accountable and responsible for the family and the wife by God. The wife is not held to this accountability. We are responsible in God's eyes for the upbringing of our children.

It is funny. The Bible NEVER calls for a wife to love her husband. She is to submit, to respect him, etc. but it never commands her to love us. The Bible commands you to love your wife, as Christ loves us. What kind of love is that? God's love. Can you love your wife like Christ loves us? Not on your own. Let Christ love her through you. Let Him take over. Then watch what happens. Remember, when you married, there were three people joined there…you, your wife, and Christ. Your wife is not, in the end, rejecting you…she is rejecting Christ. But He still loves her, and so do you. He still wants to redeem her, and so do you. But guess what? You don't have the power to do it. So let Him.

I hope some of this has helped. As the week goes on, we will get more indepth on your strategy on moving forward. Take care of the kids situation, get you spiritual plan together (see your pastor…he can help a lot). Once you do this, we can then begin.

In His arms

MORTARMAN
A funny thing happened yesterday.. We both met for breakfast...We talked about our finances and the girls. Last week she was trying to limit contact now she is willing for me to have them 50% of the time. I still have to decide if I am going to keep the house or let her have it.. the more I think about it, the more I want to stay.
She ended up staying with the girls for lunch and spent some time working in the garden.
Last night he called again to discuss which night the girls will be with me (again maybe so she can paln a night with RAT MEAT)...but thats okay.. she is still talking to me.. she has no problem with me calling the girls to say hi!. Seems like she is starting to drop the walls a little...
You are so right about me working on myself.. Now is the time for me to get with it and get ready to move on... I have to be the best person I can be for me.. I guess being selfish is not that bad after all..
I still have to talk to my lawyer to plan what to do... I'm not so sure that filing for divorce is the right thing to do... why do you say it is???
is it to help her wake up to what she may be losing???
On the Praying note...I have to let God take care of her...I know he will.. by praying for guidance and support.. that will bring me closer to him and allow all the healing to start..I have to love her as Jesus loves us..to forgive and know healing can occur..
Thanks for being there...you have been a good friend.. AS it stands. she is still gone and no signs of ever wanting to reconcile.. but as you said.. forget about that right now and work on me!!
I

MM-

I just got a bit worried about what you might 'give' to her in your plan a behavior, with some boundaries.

In my plan A, I let my ws take a few things from the home, and on loan even, and he will not give them back right now.

I am so sick of his evil - holding things over my head behavior. I am so mad at him for acting the way he does. Espceially the photo albums... I have heard lots of people do nasty things like this... like forgetting that these things were loaned, etc.

I would advise you not to give ws anything of yours- except that which you are ok with losing, if it comes to photos, make copies first!

Sorry to sound down or negative, just a warning about ws behavior.

Hope to you,

Honey

HONEY
All the stuff she took was taken while I was in
hospital and totally defenseless..she had a crowd of people at the house taking and moving..
I can only hope that when we go to mediation this week that she gives some of the stuff back..
Most of the stuff can eventually be replaced and if she wants to be petty..let her. BUt it will be a big suprise when I tell her I am keeping the house.. something she wanted all along..too bad
RAT MEAT wont be able to move in with her as she hoped..
I guess I'm getting off key here and have been told to drop talk about her OM..
Thanks for the tip!
I

mm:

"All the stuff she took was taken while I was in
hospital and totally defenseless..she had a crowd of people at the house taking and moving.."

What a bunch of buzzards!!!

Sorry. I just got a bit carried away there for a minute... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

If it's possible, you "sound" like you're better off not being around her daily. How do you feel?

Take care,
-2long

2LONG
I actually have been feeling a little better..
I do miss her and I do love her (I THINK)..
But this is going to be a very long process if there is going to be any hope of reconciliation..
Just got back from the Psych...she tells me that ther is absolutely no hope.. and to get on with my life...she says that myWW has Emotional feelings for someone else..and she is not coming back..live with it and acept it..
I dont feel angry toward her.. just feelings of rejection. I see where I went wrong with her..and am sorry.. never meant to hurt her..but I cannot change the past..
The thing as Mortarman has told me is get a better person for me andthe girls..and most of all pray..all will eventually fall into place..
Thanks 2Long you have been a good friend as well..
good to have you around...
and yes you are right.. what a bunch of buzzards..
she was so concerned that I was going to leave the hospital the night I went in.. not for me.. but for me getting in the way of her moving...
AGGGGHHH!!
I

Marathonman:

Please, please do not buy what your counselor is saying. Your WS is in the throes of an addiction. So many nonMB therapists do not understand this process. I saw a therapist that said the same thing. Then, after working with Steve Harley, I got a totally different perspective. That therapist will steer you in the wrong direction. Either help the therapist understand MB principles, which I eventually did with my therapist and he now agrees with me regarding the addictive process of affairs or either get a new therapist. Your WS in a FOG, abducted by an alien as WAT says. Steve H. said that the feeling of love is highly variable and changeable and once the love was there in the past it can be rekindled. She feels "in love" with the OM because he is meeting most of her EN right now but once he begins to LB and you have opportunity to meet those needs again,she can be in love with you again. It is too early in this process for you to begin giving up.

mm:

I agree with mimi. Your psych is worse than useless! Don't listen 2 that crap!

-2long

MIMI/2LONG
Thanks guys..What I'm trying to do with thepsych is fix me and get rid of the anger I have built up in me.. she says it comes from my childhood!!
Although she has told me that the marriage is over (based on what my wife has said in session), I still beive that there is hope..
Why do I choose to go to thearpist that sare divored.. she does no seem to be a man hater. but she is not wearing a ring( has a son).
Tomorrow we go to mediation and I will tell my wife that I'm not leaving the house. It's so strange that a week ago she was so mean to me and now she is starting to be more nice.
Is she setting me up?? trying to put some sugar on it to make me drop my guard.
looking back over the last 7-8 month...it looked like she knew what she was doing and trying to get her ducks in a row before she dropped the bomb on me..
whats up with her??
anyway, just venting here.. comments and direction please!!
I