I thought marriage meant one. You can keep your individuality and still be one. My H opened a seperate account and did not tell me. I found out because a statement came in the mail. I feel betrayed and hurt. I don't feel that a marriage can survive two seperate bank accounts, one reason is because he had no reason to do so other than that he is secretly planning something. I don't know but I need some advice.

Hi Brenisha,

Welcome to MB. I just posted a question to you and now see you have started your own thread.

Now your question appears to have a deeper reason. Can you elaborate?

2 bank accounts by itself is not a sign of a bad marriage. Not a good sign of a good marriage but not a sure gauge of either one.

Please tell us more.

Thanks,
L.

We have been having problems already and he always talk about having seperate everything. Cars, charge cards,bank accounts, bills etc. you name it he wants it to be seperate. I dont know about anyone else but I thought marriage meant what yours is mine and what is mine is yours. That we share all responsibilites. He already has a savings account that does not have my name on it, now he wants the checking account without my name on it. I am not stupid by far,with problems already, this might or might not be a sign that he is cheating. I just don't feel that whether he is cheating or not, after 19 yrs of marriage we will survive this. I feel that something other than "I want my own" is going on.

Hi Brenisha

I don't think this might help, but I'll state my case. In the begining I was very selfish? like this is my car, my books, my... you get the picture... Over time H teached me that all we got was OUR stuff and for a long time it was that way. We always had joint account, and as soon as H started opening another one and also a credit card ... well u know A was in the picture. So I urge to to find out sooner rather that later, with all the more reason if you stated you are having problems. I'm not saying that is the case in ur H but hey girl a new behaviour means new things, and baby I was blinded with too many red flags that I care to acknowledge right now...

I know that marriage can survive separate checking accounts (been doing it for 25 + years).

However, a bank account opened in secrecy is a BIG RED FLAG to me. I would resent it terribly.

My husband was clueless as to what groceries,clothes and things like that cost, and it got to everytime I went grocery shopping he would ask me how much I spent. Then he would say to the effect that you spent $200.00 on groceries, and we don't have anything to eat. I got to dread grocery shopping(still don't like it). It wasn't about not having the money because I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He just thought the amount was too much (he has since learned that there is a $100.00 cover charge to get in Krogers or Wal-Mart). We finally decided to open separate checking accounts. We sat down and decided who was going to pay what bills and it has worked great.

We've had seperate accounts for years. I think maybe the first 6 months we had a joint and then that was it. My husband is very bad about money. Basically just doesn't think about what checks have to go out for bills. So my bank account gets the paychecks and pays the bills. We have his account which is just play money for both of us and then we have the business.

I don't think you can successfully base your judgment on whether a marriage is good or not by whether or not the couple shares a bank account.

However if a spouse is hiding things from the other that's a huge flag. And a spouse suddenly wanting everything seperate after years of marriage would be another flag. And if you were already having problems and suddenly he did these things I would think that he was getting ready for the seperation.

Ditto, red flags are a waving.

Something's up. Now the undaunting task of finding out "what".

I agree separate accounts are not a "sign"
but the secrecy certainly is.

Good luck

Not saying that this is the case with your H, but here's what happened to me.

In my case, H had at least $1100 set aside for his planned PA with OW (he gave me some of the money before, and the rest after d-day.)Told me that he was planning a vacation for family. Hardly seems likely with the way he was acting. Kept saying stuff like "If the kids don't behave I may just disappear for a few days" and I'm thinking "And you'll come home to CHANGED LOCKS". My H didn't go through with it, thanks to a good friend and Divine Intervention.

Hidden funds are almost always a sign of trouble, but I hope that it doesn't turn out to be the case with you.

Prayers are going out for you!

I have been thinking about this situatio all weekend and just want to warn you. When my husband and I first got married, I thought things would be better financially. We could put our money together and work together to accomplish things. I was wrong, he did not want to share an account. He told me I was not going to tell him how to spend his money. I made a budget for us and he laughed at it. Now that I make the most money, he wants a budget--I laughed at him. It is a control issue.

It is also an accountability issue. I found my husband doesn't want to be held accountable for his spending habits and if he wants to sent his family money he can, if he wants to buy a CD player for his truck--he can.

In the beginning, I thought that having separate accounts was okay, but now realize it is harmful to a marriage, because no one is being held accountable and can do whatever. Married couples are to be one and know everything about the other. My marriage has suffered a lot because I didn't put my foot down.

Good luck

I think this is an extremely personal financial decision. I have never had a joint account with my ex-husband or my current husband, but then I work and make all the money. We pay bills together, you know sit down and talk about them and then pay them. But bank accounts and how you manage money has nothing to do with a marriage.

Problems with marriage;

secrecy
inability to talk about finances

way worse than just having a separate bank account.

I found the a joint account hurt us because of the avoidance issue. Since $$$ was tight we avoided talking about bills to avoid problems. I don't need to mention how this became a big monster!!!!

The other issue was that he never knew how much was in the account because i paid the bills alone which i guess bothered him more than he mentioned!(I can understand, i wouldn't be able to give up the bills entirely-been doing for over 20 years-control)

Ahhhhhh of course i can't take all the blame for all this he allowed it to happen and never once complained!