I had an affair about three years ago. It was with a man with whom I worked. It started out as an emotional "fix." My husband found out, but I keep the relationship alive and it became physical. My husband kept confronting me with issue and I kept lying to him. Eventually he got the truth out of me and I apologized and wanted to work things out with him. I did whatever he asked, jumped through all of the hoops, etc. We talked about what caused the affair and I told him how he neglected me and left me emotionally unstable. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and not only did he disrespect me by telling me he daughter came first, she could stay with us anytime he wanted her to, etc..., he allowed the daughter's mother to disrespect me. He talked about my family for no reason. It got so bad a couple of times I left and stayed with my parents for a while. He agreed that that was the case apologized. I thought we would move on. I realized it would take time for him to gain my trust. In the meantime, he demanded I stop talking to family and friends. I went along with it for a while, but I began to resent it and starting emailing friends and family. Whenever we had any type of disagreement, he would tell me what a whore I was, what a liar I was and that I wasn't sorry because I didn't act like it. I had to leave a couple of times because he hit me. (All of the name calling and hitting took place in front of our two children, who were then 5 and 2) The last time I left he had hit me so hard he broke his finger and had to have surgery. He would tell me that I better be glad that was all he did, that any other man would've killed me. Well, I had finally decided that I couldn't deal with the physcial abuse and was about to move, but he begged and said he would "never" do it again. So, we reconciled and started working through things. I then got pregnant. One day I decided to take the other two children to the park. I was there reading my book as the children played. Well, he pulled up and started accusing me of talking to other men. I wasn't, he even asked the kids and they told him I wasn't. Well, he just went on and on and I finally stopped arguing with him. He even said the baby I was carrying may not even be his. Anyway, he left the following weekend without telling me where he was going. He left me an email message and told me to pick up the kids from daycare. I started making plans to leave again, but let him talked me out of it.

Well, the arguments and namecalling persisted and because of his mental and psychological abuse, I thought that it was okay. My self-esteem was down the tubes as I'd been called a b****, whore, slut, ugly, fat, no good mother, etc. I just thought that was normal, since I was being told that "any other man would've killed me."

I have since given my life to Christ and have started attending church faithfully and growing in the Word. He has recently told me he can't stand to go to church with me because I always nod and shake my head and come home and act the same.

Our last argument resulted from the fact that I sent an old college friend an email. The message was sent two years ago! He said that I will never change. I told him that the message was sent two years ago and I am not the same. He refuses to listen and started the name calling again. I have learned to just be quiet because talking only makes him angrier and brings about the hitting. I told him I want a divorce. He earned a degree in December and is trying to find a job. He currently works part time, from 10:30-2:30 at night. He refuses to keep the kids and claims he is looking for a job. He doesn't contribute one dime to the household expenses. I'm sick of him blaming all of his problems on me. He tells me I am not going to have the blessings on God on my life because I'm not submitted to him. He won't even try to find another part time job to help take care of his family. He tries to use scripture to keep me under his thumb. I have paid considerably for my affair. He demeans everything from my appearance to my job. All of this is done in front of our children. I just realized how he has been mentally and psychologically abusing me and I told him I couldn't take it anymore. He laughed at me and told me I had some nerve telling him what I wouldn't take and even said if I said anything like that again he was going to beat my brains out. Am I right in thinking I need to get away from him? Should I apologize and try to stick it out? Helpl

You are in danger with this husband, the threats the name calling All of this Please call for help where you are and do not post-pone it! He will not stop. And you have little children and school age children to think about. Please call a counselor to suit the needs you have that are immediate. wflower

Dear Msgiles,
You are in danger, and you need to do something about it. We read in the paper almost daily where abusive husbands finally go over the edge and we are afraid yours is heading that way.

You need professional advice about what to do, and what your rights are. I don't know where you live, but many cities have shelters that have staff able to advise on these issues - even sometimes by phone. If you can't find it in the phone book, your local police department can put you in touch. You need to report him for domestic violence. This needs to be on record for the future if you need a restraining order to protect your family. I really worry for you as long as he knows where you live. I don't know if I should advise you to try and move away or not, but I worry for you.

Lets see, can I put this more plainly.

1. Yes he is abusive.
2. It's bad enough that you are in danger - perhaps your life is in danger.
3. You need to do something this week.
4. Find an organization that helps and get advice on how to proceed.
5. Don't take him back unless he gets professional help and can prove that he is a changed man.

The organization you talk to should also be able to help you learn about treatment for him, but don't go back to him on promises, only after proof of change.

Please don't stay with him, or believe him when he says he won't do it again, he has shown that is a lie. Please get help.

Finally, Annavon on the divorcing/divorced part of the forum has dealt with this and is now divorced, she could probably give you advice if you go to that form and start a thread with her name as the title.

SS

No one is entitled to treat another human being this way! I am a BS and though I did my share of screaming and even physically lasking out at my H a couple of times...it wasn't right (and never in front of our kids) and only happened as a result of my intense pain. This is not the case with your H...he is just using your A as an excuse to demean you and abuse you.

You do not deserve this! Your kids do not deserve this! I don't think you want your kids growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to act...from both sides...do you want them to think that abusing women is okay and do you want them to think that tolerating abuse is okay?

You really need to analyze what is keeping you with him. I would leave him and if he's willing to work on himself...maybe it won't be a permanent separation.

Does he have a drug or alcohol problem? Has he had anger management issues in past? Why did his first M break up? What's his family like? Do any of your family or friends know about the abuse? Can they help you?

How dangerous do you feel your H is? Really need to get the advise of a professional before you take actions.

He definitely needs anger management classes and IC.

What are his good qualities?

I have been analyzing the situation for about four weeks. I know in my heart it will not work out unless he deals with his anger. I told him prior to everything that happened he has an anger problem, but he refuses to believe it and blames me for ALL of his problems. My guilt led me to believe that lie. I see how he responds to anything that upsets him and I know it is not just my actions. His mother is verbally abusive, I have been around her and she would talk about her children right in front of their children. He does not drink or do any type of drugs or even smoke. He did not have a relationship with the mother of his first daughter. It was basically a physical relationship, whenever HE wanted it. I've also had to deal with the crap of that messed up stuff and he never stood up for me. His mother has done things and he knew she was at fault, but defended her actions anyway.

His good qualities...right about now I don't know. He won't even work to help take care of his family, he sits at home all day while I'm at work and the kids are at daycare and then we get home, he screams and yells at them until they go to bed. Oh yeah, he does play with our 13 month old. He does nothing around the house, I work eight hours and have to go home and cook, clean, help with homework and put the kids the bed. I'm exhausted. I do believe he loves his children, but only when it is convenient.

I plan on seeking legal advice. I told him I want a divorce and he told me he is going to sell OUR house. First of all, I want the house, I'm making the mortgage payments. Second of all, we just bought the house in October and there is no way we can sell for what is owed.

Thanks for all of the advice. I was thinking I should get away from him. But because of all the years of verbal and emotional abuse, I began doubting myself.

Thank you.

How dangerous do you think he really is? How will he react when you really leave him? I would consider not talking to him about what you are going to do until you have a complete plan in place. What kind of support system of family and friends do you have? Does anyone know what's going on? Can any of them help you?

I would not only consult an attorney but I would contact a mental health professional who specializes in domestic abuse.

Is there anyone who has a good relationship with your husband who can talk to him and try and get him into IC and/or anger management classes? If not then you will probably want to talk to you attorney regarding making that a pre-requisite to your husband seeing the kids after you separate. You don't want to take the chance that he will take his anger out on your kids...without you there to protect him.

You also need to get in IC right away. There are reasons you had an A and reasons you are tolerating this type of abuse. A qualified IC can help you tremendously.

What was your H like before the A...has he always been like this..or has it progressively got worse?

If he was once a good H and father then there's hope...if he was always like this but only to a lesser degree not as much hope.

Best Wishes!