These boards were my haven for a long time and saved my sanity when dealing with infidelity in my marriage over 2 years ago. When at long last it seemed as if everything was back to normal.. even better than normal...sigh....I learn the hard way - NEVER let your guard down. So now I'm back - thank god not for the same issues though. I wasn't quite sure where to post this but these message boards have been the most supportive. If anyone has suggestions of another board this would be more appropriate on please let me know.

I'm not really sure where to start. My husband and I have been together for about 9 years and have two wonderful children together. About a year before we started dating my husband had a brief relationship with this woman, whom at the time had just gotten seperated from her husband. Not to long into the relationship she told my husband she was pregnant. She went to the doctors and based on all the dates she told my husband she was 150% sure this was her husbands baby. She said there was no way it could be my husbands the dates were just too far off. She broke things off with him and went back to her marriage to try to reconcile. My husband and I started dating shortly after and ended up getting married a few years later.

Now, a little over a week ago my husband runs into the woman at a gas station. She tells him that she thinks that her now 9 and a half year old daughter might be his. When she was born she was several weeks late and thinks her dates were wrong. She says her daughter looks a lot like my husband, and her daughter has blue eyes like my husband, her and her Ex-husband have brown.

First let me say I am really upset. This woman has known both my husband and I for 10+ years, we run into her maybe once every 6 months or so. We have all lived in the same area for the past 10 years. My point is she has had ample opportunity to tell us. For the past 9 years she has raised this girl as, her now, Ex-husbands' daughter. She has been in and out of drug rehab, is in a now abusive relationship in which she wants out. Her daughter has been taken away from her twice. Her Ex-husband is now refusing to pay child support and wants to contest paternity, but according to her, he refuses to take a paternity test or pay for one. She said she waited this long because she did not want to start any trouble in my husbands life, but now realizes her daughter needs a better father than her Ex-husband can be.

My husband and I are concerned about her motives, we are just not sure they are genuine. We are very upset she has waited 9 years to come forward and we/he has missed out on that time with his possible daughter. In an effort to try to get some kind of answers we did a cheek swab DNA test Friday of last week. We will not get the results until July 1st, but hopefully sooner.

Right now, not knowing is killing both of us. I can't wait until we know for sure. And then we are faced with when we do find out, if she is his how do we handle that. How do you develop a relationship with a child that is yours but you don't even know? How would I explain this to our children? Why or How could someone be so selfish and keep this from the potential father to their child? She said her daughter has not really had a father in her life. Her Ex-husband has been in and out of jail and when he is out he never wants to see her. We are worried about what kind of life this child might have had so far.

Any advice or comments are appreciated. I just really needed to vent, cry, scream.....ughhh...I dunno.............

DU

Hi definitely,

The first thing I would do is seek out zorweb. I think she posts on the Emotional Needs forum.

I'm sure others have experience that will help you too.

Good luck and take care

du,

Zorweb is wonderful, and I'm sure when she shows up, she'll answer your call for help. She herself is fighting desperately for custody right now of the children from her H's first marriage. Those children were so abused in the other home, and Z has been able to give them the love and guidance they have needed.

There is a part of the board in the Infidelity section for people who are coping with the children produced by infidelity. Your situation is slightly different....but I think your experiences and feelings are very very similar. It could give you some real insight.

For what it's worth....if the child IS his...I hope both of you will step up to plate and help this innocent child have a better life. You will need to have strict boundaries in place so this "mother" can't profit from that situation, but I think it can be done.

Prayers and sunshine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LB, and Starfish,

Thank you both for your replies and for your prayers.

Starfish,

There is no doubt that if this IS his daughter we both would love to be involved in her life. I am struggling with how we would work out the details of that, and at the same time trying to force myself not to worry about the details until we know for sure. This is going to be a very long week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I am going to copy my post to the section you suggested. Thank you again.
DU

DU, I am working on a response to you. There is so much to consider. Will be back soon.....

Wow.. I am sure that this was a shocker. There is a lot here … Some questions come to mind…

The main issues here are what is best for this girl.

You have to think first what is best for your children. They are your priority. Then secondly think of what is best for this girl. Paternity rights are, IMHO, a far second to their needs. Normally I’d say that if a child has a mother and father whom she has known since birth, and they were good parents that it would not be wise for you husband and you to attempt to have contact with her. They are a family, let them raise her. It would be cruel to disturb her life with this new info and with her now having to get to know an entire family who means nothing to her.

Unfortunately she has a family that no child should have. So you and your husband have a chance to be a positive influence on this child.

I read on the pregnancy board that post about not being able to claim paternity after 2 years from the birth of the child. You really need to see an attorney about this ASAP. You and your husband really need to know that your rights are. It seems to me that since she already has a father who is legally recognized as her father, he will have to sign his parental rights away. He may not be willing to give those rights to the man his wife had an affair with. If you start offering child support, then your husband may be obligated to pay and yet have no legal right to see the child. This could get very ugly very quickly. And I’m sure you will not want to be supporting her mother’s drug habit. Again, see an attorney ASAP.

Things that I have learned from step parenting a children whose mother and older sister are alcoholics, drug users and sexually abusive. (The older sister is a half sister from the mother’s previous marriage.)

---If you and your husband bring this child into your home as your daughter, then you will be co-parenting with her mother.. a drug addict. Her other father could resurface at any time too. How are you and your husband going to manage having two people who you describe as being rather flaky and probably not people you want to have your children interact with?

When the child spends time in your home, you are going to have to help her pack up and send her back to a drug-addicted mother or perhaps to visit her other father. I have learned that this is a very hard thing to do. I get physically ill every time we have to send my stepdaughter to visit her mother. My husband tried to get sole custody but instead he got a court order to send my stepdaughter to visit her mother for 3 weeks. Every time my stepdaughter speaks to her mother she is a basket case for hours. When she visits her, always a visit of 1 week to 6 weeks, she returns a basket case. It takes us 4-8 weeks to get her calmed down so she can function on a normal level.

---The girl has had a hard life. She may have some very serious emotional problems. Even at her young age she may already be dabbling in dugs and/or alcohol. It is not unusual for a child to do this early when their parents are involved in the drug life style.

In my case, my stepchildren’s problems have come to control our household. We are constantly fighting to keep proper boundaries so that there is a semblance of normalcy around here. I often wonder if I am causing my son harm by exposing him to all of this. I think it’s been hard on him but I also think that he is learning a lot about life, how to handle difficult situations, to get help when needed.. and so forth.

I know that now you probably think that I’m going to advise you not do this. But that’s not the case. I am telling you these things because you need to know the reality of what you are getting your family into. In the best of all possible worlds the girl has somehow come through all of this unscathed. And her mother, despite her problems is really a very good person willing to work with you and your husband. And her other father will disappear from her life entirely. I hope this is the case.

But there is a high possibility that this will not be the case. So if you do bring her into your family prepare well for it. Line up a good family counselor. Be prepared for her to do some acting out based on her life and the new situation.

Step parenting is hard. This will not be normal step parenting because she has no connection to either you or your husband. You may benefit from the book “Step-by-step Parenting”.

If your husband gets parental rights, and her mother continues with the drug use consider going for sole custody over time. It takes a while to build a case. If mom straightens up, then great. If not you have the opportunity to protect her and give her a much better life. But getting sole custody is not easy. I realize that this might be too early to really think of this route, I just wanted to plant the seed. We can always discuss it when the time comes.

Something that keeps eating at me…. Why did this woman suddenly just pop this information on your husband? There are several reasons I can think of. IMHO it’s important to think these through. She does not seem to have a high regard for the truth. Instead bends it to fit the situation. Today she feels that it’s in her best interest that your husband be the father.

1) She saw your husband and the gas station and thought that this would be a way to get him back into her life. Be it true or not. Co-parenting this child will definitely put her in his life again.

2) If paternity can be proven, then you husband may have to pay her child support. Her ex is no longer paying it. So this works in her best interest perhaps.

3) Her child, having lived in a very bad situation since birth is becoming quite a handful. And she cannot handle the girl anymore. So why not find someone who can take her, at least part of the time.

4) From what you have described about her, I doubt that she did this with the best interest of her daughter in mind.

What do you know about the girl? What is she like? How does she do at school?

How do you start connecting with her? Slowly.

I am so tired right now that I don’t think I’m making any sense. So I’ll check back later.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

Hi,

Sorry you are having to come back here with such a stressful issue. Now what to call this OW???? Do you still refer to her as OW?

Whatever the name, her game appears to be still the same. In addition to the fine post from Z, take your questions over to the preg/child site. They are quite good at helping those dealing with an OC and even have good info about those paternity tests.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

I don’t think that this woman is technically an OW in this situation since the affair happened while DU’s husband was single. The woman was married at the time, not him. BUT, I would not trust her as far as I could throw her. She sounds like a desperate woman looking for someone to bail her out.

Z,

Thank you so much for answering my post, I was almost in tears when reading your reply. Everything you said is exactly the things that have been crossing my mind for the last week or so. After she confronted my H with this I called her - basically to let her know where I stand on this - I back my husband 100%. Sometimes I wish I never called her it just confirmed what I thought....she doesn't really care. She says she is sorry, she didn't want to hurt anyone....but I don't buy it.

I am so nervous about these test results, ironically, I think I will be pretty sad either way they come back. I feel like if the test says he is not her father am I supposed to just say - not our problem anymore - ughhhhhh.....that is so depressing to think of. But then again so is dealing with all of the issues mentioned in your post. I know if she is his daughter there will be a lot of emotional damage that has been done by her mother that needs to be repaired. This woman has already rold her daughter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> - she sat her down and said "sweetie, how would you feel if your dad was not your real dad and someone else was your daddy?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> great question for a 9 yr old,huh?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What do you know about the girl? What is she like? How does she do at school?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We don't really know much - one thing I am concerned about is when I talked to her she said that she is a very loveable child. She is worried though because her lack of a father figure is making her cling onto every male that is in her life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Something that keeps eating at me…. Why did this woman suddenly just pop this information on your husband? There are several reasons I can think of. IMHO it’s important to think these through. She does not seem to have a high regard for the truth. Instead bends it to fit the situation. Today she feels that it’s in her best interest that your husband be the father.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah I know. Also what is somewhat convienent is that she decides to tell us about this 6 months after we started our own business, a part of me thinks she sees dollar signs...yeah right...if she only knew. She is an easy way out type of person. In the conversation I had with her she told me that while she was pregnant she had a sonogram done. From the sonogram she was only 12 weeks pregnant not 15 weeks like she thought. She said because of the results of the sonogram she got worried because that would put my H as being the father of her child. That would have been when I said " Oh crap, I think I need to get a hold of this guy and let him know ".....her excuse - she didn't want to bring it up - her husband was in jail and she was living with her mother in law and didn't want to mention it. It was just eaiser to hide/lie. I can't figure out if she truly knows the truth or if she is just as clueless as we are about who really fathered this child.

Sorry, I am through venting for now. I have to go try and muddle my way through the rest of my day.....sigh..ughhhhhhhhh.....only 6 more days and the truth shall set me free...yeah whatever.

DU

Z,

You got it, I don't trust her and I do think she is a desperate woman looking for someone to bail her out. I just wish she did't see my H as the one that needs to post bond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

DU

DU,

It’s good that you do not trust her. It will keep you on your toes.

She has already told her daughter? Unbelievable! That poor child.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes I wish I never called her it just confirmed what I thought....she doesn't really care. She says she is sorry, she didn't want to hurt anyone....but I don't buy it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don’t be sorry, it was the right thing for you to do. The more info you have the better. And it let her know that you and your husband are a team.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so nervous about these test results, ironically, I think I will be pretty sad either way they come back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no good solution here, only making the best of it no matter what the situation turns out to be.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like if the test says he is not her father am I supposed to just say - not our problem anymore - ughhhhhh..... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As hard as it will be to turn your backs on child, this is the stance you should take if your husband is not her father. There are too many damaged children in this world. You cannot rush in and save them all. Your job is to protect and save the children you have at home. I understand that if she turns out to be his daughter, you feel obligated and some day will grow to love her. But don’t put your family through this under any other circumstances.
There is also the point that even if your husband is her biological father, me may have no parent rights at this time. He may not be able to get any sort of custody agreement and not be obligated to pay child support. Then you will have to decide if you and he just want to be ‘other parents’ with no parental authority to this child.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We don't really know much - one thing I am concerned about is when I talked to her she said that she is a very loveable child. She is worried though because her lack of a father figure is making her cling onto every male that is in her life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, one of the first things that came to my mind. There are other factors that could be leading to her acting out in this way. How many boyfriends has this ‘mother’ brought into her home? How many men has this girl seen her mother go through? Do they stay over? Is she exposed to them? Has there been anything in appropriate that has happened? The highest rate of child molestation occurs in a home where mom keeps brining boyfriends home. Please realize that I have this topic on my mind because my stepchildren have been through h3ll. It’s just something more to worry you (sorry).
Again I’m going to bug you about seeing an attorney right away. Do not try to handle this on your own. Your husband may not have any legal obligation not matter his stance as the biological father.

My heart goes out to this child. What a terrible situation for her. And for you and your family too.

If you want to talk more about details please feel free to email me. Because of the custody battle we are having I’ve had to delete many of my posts about my stepchildren. I don’t want to say too much on here. So do email me if you want to discuss it further…. zorweb@hotmail.com