I don't know where to post. I don't feel like I belong in the Preg/Child forum any longer, I don't belong in the Divorcing forum yet if ever. I am trying to figure out my place.
I am hurting tonight. I had confirmation from my DH that he is in a relationship with someone else and by my calculations it has been for about 3 of the 6 months that we have been seperated. I know she's been to the apartment where we lived, I smelled her in our bed when I was there one day.
I know he says he can't trust me, but I have given him nothing to worry about in 7 months. I don't know if I can believe him totally that he can accept my son that was born as a result of my affair. I love how he treats him when we do spend time together but I also see the pain that it brings him because the baby should've been ours. I stole that from us.
So I sit here today hurting. I was told today that there are stories floating around his work about more than 1 woman/insert choice name and how he is acting. I told this person I don't want to know. It hurts so much to see my husband whom I looked up to as a Godly man after his transformation last summer acting this way. Hearing what little I did today put me into a temporary tailspin. I spent the day with him Thursday, we went to lunch and then to the fair for about 8 hours. Had what I think is a great time together, we can have fun. I fall back in love with him just by spending time but it does hurt that he won't show me affection of any kind. I cried watching an older couple of about 75-80 dancing with each other in such unison and looking at each other with such love in their eyes. I WANT THAT! I cried because I know it can happen. I cried because I was happy for them. I cried because I still have visions of growing old with my husband. I cried because we both ruined our marriage.
I don't want the marriage we had. I don't want the man that is before me today as he acts today. I want a Godly man. I want a man who desires me and only me. I want a man who can love my son as his own. I want a man who can grow spiritually with me and can join in ministry with me. I want my husband.
I know that if God doesn't allow us to reconcile that means he has something better in store for me. I can't conceive anyone better for me than my husband. But! I don't know if my husband can put aside his own sexual desires again to have a relationship with God that is never failing. A relationship with me that is loving, giving and real.
When does it stop hurting? Why are we dancing this relational dance of hurting each other?
How can I not pine for him? Wish he'd call...wish he'd stop by.. wish he'd put his arms around me again and tell me he loves me and only me...wish he'd tell me those precious words.. we can make this work-let's do it!
For now, my precious 8 week old Matthew fills my time. My longing for my husband is lingering...nagging.. pulling at my heart...I can push it away for moments but it returns. How do people cope with the loss of a loved one? How can a marriage recover when there has been such mutual pain and loss of trust? Am I stupid for wanting this man as my husband? Am I stupid for knowing that God can heal us?
Patty

Butterfly,

Sometimes love is just not enough as your tag line seems to indicate. There is alot more to a good marriage than woozy feelings of infatuation that come and go. Feelings come and go like the daily tide, but a solid committment lasts and lasts. And that is imperative to a mature, loving marriage, a solid COMMITTMENT that is upheld no matter what the mood de' jour. All the love in the world won't make up for a lack of mutual respect and committment.

I don't know your situation, but from reading your tagline it sure looks like a lack of committment has been a huge issue. And God won't come down and force you or your H to do something against your will. So, if you or your H want to have an affair, and it looks like you both have had LOTS, God is gonna let it happen no matter how many little dictates you send His way.

So, what is my suggestion? Maybe get into some counseling to gain some understanding of the meaning of the word committment. You won't be able to control your H, but at least you will be better equipped to handle a relationship maturely in the future.

BE,

I agree with Melody about the counseling. You said something I think you need to consider </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't conceive anyone better for me than my husband. But! I don't know if my husband can put aside his own sexual desires again to have a relationship with God that is never failing. A relationship with me that is loving, giving and real.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Reading your tagline, and having posted to you and read your posts since you came here, don't you find that first sentence a bit strange? You could conceive of someone better than your H. You acted on that conception. Your post in your tagline about his interests sexually, but NOT his actions, suggests that you have never forgiven or accepted him.

I would bet dollars to donuts his affair is NOT about his sexual desires. It is about the pain he feels for your betrayal. You do recall how long it was before you accepted his offer to work things out. You do recall that he told you that his offer was contingent on you NOT seeing OM, and you did anyway over Thanksgiving.

I am surprised that he hasn't filed for divorce or pursued that action. But, I would also like to remind you, that you were where he is now, not so long ago and you changed.

I could offer you a variety of reasons for his behavior, NONE of them justified. I could offer you a lot of reasons why he is so deeply hurt, but you know many of them.

What I would like to offer you, is that he is no more lost than you were. You eventually came around although it appears to be too late. YET, it might not be. It is now up to you to hold this together if you want to come back together.

That is why I would suggest as Melody did, that you seek counseling so that you can talk, discuss, and process what is going on.

I have no idea how this will work out, but I do know you will be happier in the long run if you do your best and are honest with your H. He did his best and then he tarnished it, but it was his choice followed by your choices.

Hang in there BE. Something this complex will take time and patience to sort itself out.

God Bless,

JL

You are both right. I have been in counselling since January and she has also seen us together about 6 times. She did some individual counselling with Tim I think about 3 times. I see her weekly.
I have immersed myself into healing. I am just finishing a 20 week course on sexual and relational recovery, I am involved in a small group weekly, I have 2 "Titus 2" women who keep me accountable as well as support me in my walk with God and most importantly, I am in the Word daily.
I know that my "one last time" is what caused our seperation. Going against Tim's word was disrespectful. I only wish I had come out of the fog sooner.
I don't think I said what I meant right. I CAN'T conceive another man as being better for me than Tim. I think God has allowed us to have this wild rollercoaster of a marriage to grow us and to teach us what real love is about. What I'm not sure is if there has been so much damage that the human side of us just can't recover.
I have accepted Tim as he is, from the bipolar to the sexual addiction. I know what he can be when he is in obedience to God as well. The same passions that drive him to write poetry when he's in a mania is the same passion that he has for God. Watching him teach the Jr. Highers at church was incredible. His energy is addicting. That's the man that I love most. The other side to him I love because it's what has made him who he is today. But I don't respect when he is out of step with God and deliberately staying that way. My renewed commitment may have come to late. But..I know that God showed me that I do have the right kind of love for Tim. Maybe that is just something that I had to be shown even if Tim doesn't accept it. I also have seen I can stay committed to someone who shows me zero affection and love in return. I have grown up.
I guess I'm just needing a sounding board and hearing opinions good or bad. I am finding that the consequences to my choices and sin are far more than I had even imagined. I also know that the most important thing of all is that I have a real and true relationship with the one who matters most. God.
As someone I love very much says....peace

BE-

I can't get to my email today. As soon as I do, you will hear from me.

My heart is telling me that Tim has things to work through and that now God is testing you. Concentrate on you and Matthew. Continue to hold your head up and be proud of who you are...

I'll talk with you soon.

JustLearning,

Mostly sexual. Somewhat of an attempt to stop the hurt and get a little comfort and softness in my life. A "replacement attempt" if you will.

I ended up finding someone who is trustung of me and is truly thankful of my abilities as a man. She is a giver and I am starting to understand what our marriage was missing. A woman who trusts her mans judgement and will not "step in" if her man is faltering, or will not bring his faults and inabilities to his attention. She simply "expects" certain things of him and will stand behind him even when she knows he's wrong. Because she truly trusts that he'll be right enough times that the few times he's wrong she's willing to accept those consequences to sustain his confidence that she's on his side "no matter what"!!!! That just makes him stronger for 2 reasons. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that this beautiful submissive woman needs his abilities and counts on them and he knows that she trusts him totally to take care of her. She will not step in if she feels like he is faltering, nor will she correct him because she looks at the big picture and trusts in his abilities, not just for this particular event, but for his overall leadership and judgement. She truly believes that his guidance will navigate her through the treacherous world much better than her own, bringing her to a place she wants to be. The second reason is, he feels a "we" atmosphere from her instead of a me and you atmosphere or worse, a me against you. Her submissive nature feeds his aggressive nature and vice versa. Blind submission is something the current society scoffs at in a woman (to the point of berating submissive women as weak and a poor example of their gender), but if you think about what Paul said about marriage and how the 2 should act and what he used to analogize his point, you might become enlightened to the concept of how powerful a woman in need and a man satisfying those needs can be. The 2 become one??? Ephesians 5:22-33. A woman who stands behind her man even when she knows he is wrong does so because she is "one" with him and why on earth would you berate yourself over something you messed up on? You take it for what it is, learn from it and move on. The body never tells the head where to go, it simply follows and makes the best of where the head takes it. Seems simple but it is easily and quickly perverted in a society that expects women to be decision makers.

peace
tim

Tim,

I read your post and then I reread your post and I have to say that I don't agree with your interpretation of the Bible or your view of a PARTNERSHIP.

However, if the Dom/Sub relationship is really what you want and desire, rather than a marriage partner, then I cannot argue with you. You will learn however, that when you do need help in your life such as following a serious illness or accident, that having someone YOU can lean on is a very good thing.

It is also clear that YOU have NOT led a particularly good life and that you DO in fact need someone to point out failures in reasoning and of the heart. No one wants to be constantly harped on, but only a fool thinks they won't fail without help. I know for a fact that you feel the need for religion in your life as you quoted scripture to me, but you only quoted one, and you didn't quote the parts about a man's obligation to his W nor did you address your strong addiction to porn. Is your new GF/OW going to let you do something seriously wrong(say murder, rape, etc) without comment or rebuke? And then let your soul rot in hell?? She must not love you much if she does.

Tim your statements are at best self serving. You are now an adulterer no matter what your W did. You are cloaking yourself in self-righteousness, and you are running from yourself seeking someone that will not hold you accountable.

I fully agree that marriage is about WE. This site is dedicated to getting people to understand that marriage and even life is a team sport. I think your W now sees these things clearly whereas she didn't before. But, my friend you need to stop and realize something. Believing as you do about a woman's place, then you must accept that ALL of BE's failings where YOUR failures of leadership (personal and spiritual) and you then MUST make amends to her for YOUR failure and the presence of a new child in the world.

The trouble I see in your post is what I see in many people and people that want to lead other people. The want the respect, they want the perks, they want the adulation, but they don't want the responsibility and BLAME when things go bad.

You want to be thought of as the leader in your family and relationships, then YOU must take the blame for the failures. Given your statements then I and, if you believe your position is validated by God's word, God hold your responsible for what has happened to your marriage, to your W, and to this new child. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You cannot have it both ways. It is time for you to stand up and quit hiding. Fantasy time is over my Man. You were once a religious man with some failings, now you seem to want to be a religious man who is pretending to have no major failings in your past or your future.

I respectfully suggest that you go back and reread your Bible. The MAJOR aspect of the Christian religion is the concept of forgiveness, by God to you, and for you toward those that have sinned against you. How are you doing with those things? Not too well it seem. Look deep inside Tim, your answers are there, not in finding a "submissive" woman.

I find no fault with a team/marriage where partners define their roles and support one another via those roles. I find no fault in wanting to be well regarded and respected by your spouse. I find no fault with loyality running both ways in a marriage.

I find fault in your running and hiding behind a woman that sees no flaws in you or your actions and won't speak up if she does. I don't think that is in the Bible.

Tim, I don't know if your marriage can be restored following what BE has done. From everything she has written she has swung completely to the other side of the spectrum and may well be the way you always wanted, she is still your W now. I do know that you have some major issues, and finding a woman that ignores those issues is NOT going to help YOU.

Please think about what I have said.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The body never tells the head where to go, it simply follows and makes the best of where the head takes it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, are you ever wrong about that one. Ask any Doc, what happens when the liver starts to fail. You start to see ever increasing levels of dementia, failure of memory, glitches in thought processes. It is not only the liver, many organs control the processes of the brain. Brain chemistry is NOT controled by the brain, it is controlled by other organs in the body. Same with marriage, leadership is often misinterpretted, and I think you may be doing that as well.

I do hope that you will give it some thought. I cannot tell you to take your W back along with the child of OM. But, I can tell you that having an affair is really a dumb way to address this very serious decision you should have been making.

I think you need to end the affair and give your W seriousl consideration. You may yet decide you cannot handle what she did to you, fine. But, Tim, it is important to do things correctly.

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

thank you Just..... I am now pondering.

peace
tim

Tim do you consider your marriage hopeless? If so, then why don't you divorce your W? If not then why don't you make another go at saving your marriage?

Good question Coffee. More to ponder.

peace
tim