Hello everyone...it must seem as I've disappeared. First off, thank-you for your thoughtful replies. The few minutes I have had (with no energy for replying) I often reread posts to keep me going.

This past week...last Saturday we were invited to barbecue with friends (of course, mutual friends). Sunday, we headed up to new friend's home for another barbecue. Monday, I had a brunch for D to wish her well on her first day of "big" school (JK). Had my mother, IL's, SIL (only one of them was able to make it)...had a cake for D that she picked out. Cute. Can you imagine? His family over...H is golfing. We're celebrating HIS daughter's milestone. Yugoslavian OW must be some catch. I let D go home with IL's so that H could see her. H dropped her off. Didn't even seem to bother him.

D had her first day of school on Wednesday (parents have to stay today for 1/2 the morning). I happened to know many teachers and children of friends so it was nice. D's teacher's husband plays soccer with H EVERY week. I guess H doesn't talk much about his family conditions BUT teacher talks about it as if it's SUCH A great coincidence that we meet up again (H and I actually went to unversity with this teacher)...blah, blah, as if she's CLUELESS. Say hi to H, she says when we leave. Didn't really want to correct her in front of other parents and children...but will have to do so next week.

Take D to lunch with another friend and her same age daughter that has also started school. Then off to dance registration, the dentist and the library. Whew...I'm whipped.

Take us to Thursday...my mother has to have a surgical procedure on tear duct in her left eye. My mother has no sight in left eye due to 5 retinal detachments. Right eye is bad with 10% vision remaining due to 7 retinal detachments along with cataract that must be removed. She's an emotional wreck. She has no family here in Canada besides myself or my sister (who lives an hour away). I take her to the hospital. It's Day surgery so I drop her off, then take D to day care, then have to drive to office for afternoon meeting...then to a funeral visitation for the father of a very close mutual friend who passed away. H is a pall bearer.

Friday is the funeral service. Strange. I attend by myself then meet up with others to follow to the cemetery. Strangers, we've become, H & I. H doesn' appear phased by it at all.

Friday night, one of my friends comes over with her kids. Asks me why I'm still wearing my wedding bands. Don't you feel DUMB doing this? He doesn't give a S**T, she says. He's moved on, she says. Yeah, right, I think to myself. His NEW mail is still coming here. Soccer association, MEXXX, traffic tickets...etc.

The answer I give her? I don't want to be target for men...she says, get a new ring made with the diamonds and add your D's stone to it.

I don't know anymore. What do you guys think?

It's just been a DRAINING week. I really haven't done ANYTHING to move forward or back. Just alot of emotions...my mother, the death of a very nice man, my D's first day...

And I have to go on a business trip leaving Sunday for Miami.

I will respond again in more detail when I have another 1/2 hour. I'm off to mow the lawn.

I just wanted and needed to talk to all of you.

Thank-you again for all of your concern, your thoughts and your encouragement.

<small>[ September 06, 2003, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: Terrified ]</small>

Keeping yourself busy...now YOU need a treat!!!

T --
I'm really frustrated to see the new title of your thread.

I guess thats your choice if thats how you want to feel. And I guess that is the point I want to make to you tonite.

Your attitude is your choice. So why do you choose to be joyless? Just like it is NOT your fault that your H choose to have an affair, it is not his fault that you choose to be joyless.

I wish I could somehow inject you with some gumption and confidence and get you to look at your future with opportunities and possibilities.

I wish you could somehow reach a point where you realize what HE has LOST....and think "too damn bad for him". He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve for you to mourn this forever. Life is short T. That funeral last week probably made you realize that.

Its too short to spend 2 years crying and allowing him to bully you.

Hi T,

How are you? I think I AM going to attempt a short plan b as well as scary as it may be for me. I am scared.. because I am afraid it will lead to more cheating for my drinking h... but if he is a cheater, he is a cheater, we shall see.

I am going to do it one day at a time.

I hope you are going to find some happiness one day at a time soon! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I will try to do it with you.

My counselor is having me journal aobut how my h really treats me- the meanie things he does, the true meanie things that hurt, and how they make me feel. I am going to try one whole month of not seeing that mean man. Now he sees the kids every other weekend... so that would mean he picks them up next friday and so I do not have contact until next friday 2 weeks and then 2 weeks again... he is quite a jerk as of late you know.... this last friday he came home late with the kids.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> very very late....

I am going to make a police report... and journal for his mishaps.. in case I need it .... although I still love him, just in case...

Sad that they hurt us so much, when love was once so sweet and dear... why hurt us.... why? Why cheat, why hurt us? I do not know?

Why bother to hurt their wives?

Anyway?

Off to bed, exhausted i must say, thinking of you and tired of course I am, a tired couple of days.

Honey

Hello all, Just wanted to share that I just came back from a club in South Beach...had a great time (surprisingly)...live Cuban bands...great dancing...haven't danced since Savannah!!

I really did have a good time and thought I'd let you know. Even did a shooter with one of the bartenders...against my will, of course!

Will check in later.
Love to all

Good for you, Terri, I'm glad you had some fun.

Next, don't do anything against your will <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Hello everyone,

Didn't want you think that I disappeared and forgot all about MB or that I just gave up. Have often thought about that direction...

I miss all of you and the inspiration and guidance you give me. I just needed to take a break from all of this for many reasons.

South Beach made me feel free again...an escape of sorts of being alone with everything in so many ways. It was great to dance.

For those of you that do not know, I do still wear my wedding rings to work and to work-related functions. This was no exception so it wasn't as if I was looking or inviting anything.

However, then it happened on the way home. I met someone on the flight. Of 15 people that he was travelling with back to Spain, he was the only one that spoke Italian and his seat was beside mine. His flight was redirected and so was mine. His parents separated and divorced when he was only two. He spoke emotionally of what that did to him as did I. He is now 32. My daughter was also only two when my H left. He was born in Italy and has the same grassroots as my parents.

We spoke Italian for three hours and then the flight ended. We connected in a strange way. He said it was destiny. I ignored this stream of comment.

I became depressed and distracted after we parted. Why?

This is what an EA is all about. This is what my H found with someone else and it is powerful stuff.

I told this guy I was married never talking once about my situation. I am vulnerable and I know it. MB has helped me to understand so many things about myself and I really did have self-control.

But what did for me was huge. It distracted me from focusing on my husband. It reminded me of what a relationship is, what is should be and what it can be...and it also made clearer to me what the fantasy can be for my H...I mean, how do you even remember what the person looks like overseas??? I mean, of course, everything is perfect over the phone or for a few days in person...you look your best and you're on your best behaviour!

And of course, it also made me, well, reflective. Thankful to this guy in many ways...because he made me feel valued not worthless. Just that day, I had asked God for strength. And strength I got...his name was Cristian.

My H was home when I arrived late that evening from the airport...I won't tell you why but I was distracted and smiling. And H questioned me and didn't want to leave but I was able to push him out with the same smile.

I still want my marriage to survive. Honestly, I just needed to feel "good" inside and I've forgotten what it was like...

Is this wrong?

Terrified -

I have never written to you before, but I have read many of your posts. It seems your road has been very long and hard, and I'm sorry for your trouble. Your experience on the plane, remembering how good it feels to connect with another person, is something I can relate to. A similar incident happened to me, but at the very unromantic town dump <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

As you said, we have all learned much from this MB site, and as BS's we are vulnerable to A's of our own. My incident with a former acquaintence that I haven't seen in 28 years was in June, and since then absolutely nothing further has happened. Nothing. I'm still married, I have stuff to process even if I get Dv'd, and I want to look back on this portion of my life with pride in how I've handled it.

Having said that, just the knowledge that there is hope for a happy future has meant so much to me. Knowing that someday, maybe, I will be in another, healthy relationship has given me strength and helped ease the loneliness. The glimpse I got of this possiblity has also made me realize that I WILL NOT settle for an unhealthy relationship with my WH should we try to reconcile.

So, Terrified, I'm happy for your chance encounter. If you did what you have described to us here on MB then you have nothing to regret. You took a peek out of the darkness and saw some light. That's a good thing.

Lablady

T --
It seems to me that this experience gave you some new insight. You did nothing wrong. You conducted yourself with the same integrity you always have.

I think this experience was a gift to you in so many ways.

First of all, I have tremendous admiration for you and have not been able to understand why you have been so accepting of the rotten treatment your H dishes out. I came to the conclusion that it was perhaps a self-esteem issue. Although I'm not a BS, I can understand why a BS's self-esteem would suffer when discovering an A. I think perhaps God put this man in your path so that you can begin to see that so many people in this world value you. You have SO MANY GREAT QUALITIES!

Secondly, you received some amazing insight into what this EA stuff is all about.

Yes you are vulnerable. But I think the great part of you having spent time here on MB's is that you recognize the danger and acted appropriately.

I hope that this incident gives you the strength and courage to end the limbo. I still maintain that your H needs to feel you separating from him, needs to envision the loss of his place in your life, needs to see that he is replaceable.
I feel so strongly that this is a step that needs to happen before you can recover. As soon as he feels you slipping away, he's going to try to pull you back. First through conflict....and if you don't participate, then he will have to face making changes in his life.

I love hearing your updates! Please stay!

Terrified,
I don't know whether to be glad for you or worried!

I recall the feeling of options opening up very well, and all things considered, it was a good feeling to know that if my marriage failed, my life would continue, maybe even in a pleasant way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I think you know another man right now won't solve your problems, but I think realizing how badly your H does treat you probably is a good thing. Your H is manipulative and he's gotten away with a lot in his treatment of you.

You kinda followed Ark's advice about being a mystery without meaning to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Thanks Terri and Lexxy,

Terri Listen to Lexxy.... hard as it may be to seperate... as Lexxy says from the Ws, this is what we must do... you are doing better than me.

I LOVE the PICTURE in my MIND of you smiling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> as you push him out the door, and him wanting to stay....

I had a similar picture saturday night... I was visiting briefly with my wh and he used inappropriate langauge with me... and I got up and left... he was shocked, and later mentioned how he wanted me to stay longer... WELL, WEll, .... Now, I have conquered in appropriate language with wh many times before but how often he forgets with ms. honey the doormat.

Anyway... ALL of my counselors recoomend what LEXXY says... to PULL away... ALL OF THEM do... HAVE I EVER... NO!!! Am I always available???/ YES!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have to back up.... Everytime I do... he comes forward.... It seems your wh dances a similar dance.

GO FOR IT! I know you back up a little better than I... but it does seem he gets quite curious , your wh...

Please, please do it with that mysterious smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugs and Hope, H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Terri -

I am happy to read, also, that you had this chance encounter. And you also taught me something, in that it gave you insight into the kind of EA your H has been involved in - even after everything you have been through, your heart seeks understanding. You have a very big heart, Terri, which I am sure people, like this man, must sense when they are around you.

What I would like to point out, though, is that you said "I didn't talk about my situation once" (you didn't reveal that you were having 'marriage problems' or telegraph to him that you were available). And YET - you talked for THREE HOURS - so....for three hours, you related to someone else about experiences you both share, and none of it was about your WH. For three hours, you shifted your focus away from your WS and his behaviour towards you and on to...LIFE, and you and what you enjoy about life. And you felt great afterwards.
Now if only you can shift your focus away from WH on your own...then you will begin to feel better about yourself and your life regardless of what WH decides to do with himself.

This is what your life should be about - enjoying and relating to others in a sharing, compassionate way, not continually enduring being verbally and emotionally abused. I also feel as you do - vulnerable to an A myself - I think all BS must feel this way at some time. I think for myself, that finding MB has helped me to see the pitfalls in that - that that is not the answer and I am as vulnerable to fantasizing about "the ideal relationship" as my H.

I am glad you gave us the picture of you pushing your WH out the door with your "Mona Lisa" smile on your face. How I would have loved to see that!

God bless,
LIR

oops, double post!

<small>[ September 19, 2003, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

DOH!!!!

I would love to send that big boquet right about now...BUT the only italian I know..is more along the lines of the Sopranos...
CAPISH!!!!????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

All learned from my husbands grandmother... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Man terr...what would a card on the table that read ...I had a really nice time talking to you on the plan...in Italian...be all about???

would that be thaaat bad???

a little mystery....
a little thing that makes you go hhhmmmmm

LIR AWESOME post...
Hope you are well
ARK....

<small>[ September 19, 2003, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Flowers and a card in Italian??? OMG how PERFECT!

This is EXACTLY what is needed. And for you to simply smile and be mysterious. And answer absolutely NONE of his questions.

And don't react to his reaction....what I mean by that is don't get disappointed if he acts happy or glad that you have someone else. There will be plenty churning around in his brain that he won't show you.

Ark-- i love the way you think!!

Hi ark - I'm doing fine - very tired, but pretty good! Hey, I like the card idea - but isn't that just a little naughty.....?

Hmmm...my best friend married an Italian...from Turin...so far, so good... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Off to bed now on the other side of the minnow pond!

LIR

Well T, the only Italian this girl knows are all related to FOOD!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I say, kudos 2 U!!!

I know my 'dream' helped me see that I was not a flat or fat, unwanted fish floating belly up in the sea waiting torn to shreds by the wind and rocks. Nope Nope Nope. I was as you are a valuable person. One that others will enjoy having the pleasure of knowing.

I must say that the day I realized that deep down in my heart and my mind agreed, it opened up a new vision of life for me. I was energized and had that 'smile' you had. Funny in the A, most don't even get to that point and yet look, you did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

No need to feel guilty. Enjoy being admired. You did nothing wrong. Hope you didn't break the man's heart too much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for your ungrateful H, well keep on smiling. Let him wonder...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what your life should be about - enjoying and relating to others in a sharing, compassionate way, not continually enduring being verbally and emotionally abused. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, this rings a whole lot of bells in my head. This is what life should be about. It's not, all the time, but it's what it should be about. And I have the choice to make it about that, even with my WP.

Deeeeeep breath. I can survive in this so-called Plan A. I can survive. And even though my body is starting to notice that I COULD have a wild romp in the hay with some lovely-looking man (men are just for fun sex, you know.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), the rest of me is just as firmly saying, "Uh, I don't think so. That's what toys are for." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Okay, it is really, truly time for me to go to bed now! (After I drive home, stumble through the dark house, find a match, strike it, light a few candles, brush my teeth, take out my contacts, lay out my clothes for the morning, take my calcium, vitamins, and little white pill, turn down the bed, put on PJs, and crawl in. Sheesh. What a long list!)

Hey T,

How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.