Alright, I give up. There's no hope. I hate him. All this for what? <P>He's been back in the chat rooms, and secretly e-mailing women. One has been paging him and wants to meet him. All the attention I've been giving him while he's flat on his back with a slipped disc he's been feeling guilty and I asked him about an e-mail account that I think he has and he admitted it. <P>He doesn't know why it keeps happening. He doesn't want it to happen again. So why is he so stupid and start chatting to women again? Is there no IQ in there?<P>This time I know it's not unmet needs. We've been very close. He says he only wants me. Think he needs a psycho ward.<P>I yelled at him really good and told him I'd wait until his back is better before I kick him out. Don't know if I mean it or not. <P>Why me and why my crappy life? Sorry guys; I thought I was one of the lucky ones. Looks like I'm not much different than the rest of you. <P>Tonight is my only chance to hack into his account and read his mail before he does something about it, but he put an alias birthday. The slime crawled on his hands and knees to check his e-mail from her. I just want to see what I'm really up against.<P>I'm not living like this, but how can I kick him out and mess up the kids? <P>I'm very hurt tonight, even if it hasn't gone into a physical affair (yet).

Leah,<P>All I can say is that I am sorry you are going through so much cr@p.<P>Hopefully, when you hack in there won't be much there to hurt you further.<P>Hugs, {{{{{{{LEAH}}}}}}}<P>Roll Me Away<BR>

I'm so sorry, Leah. Vent away, it helps!<P>What kind of chatrooms is he going in?<P>Why do the women have his number?--What does he say in explanation?<P>Hang in there!

Thanks for responding. He's going into Romance. He said, "I always go into Romance," and that he just wants to talk to people. So why women, and why women in Romance, and why hide it from me? <P>He said he wants us to go on as H and W and chat together. I remember him saying this a long time ago when I found out about his Internet affair almost a year ago. <P>Why give her his pager number? He says he got caught up in it. He wants to tell them to stop writing, but I want to do it. I want the honors. She's married, too. <P>He admits he probably needs a marriage counselor, because he just knew he never wanted to do that again, and he acts like he doesn't know why he is.

Okayyyyyy, Leah....here's what I did when I didn't like secrecy in H on the internet before we got married.....major lovebuster? yep...but I was getting REAL paranoid and distrustful, and couldn't stand it any more....<P>I told him I wanted his password, and gave him mine. I told him I wanted to snoop whenever the need struck. H didn't like this, not one a bit. I said why? He said because it's my mail, my IMs and chatroom conversation. I said do you have any reason to hide things from me?--you have access to everything *I* type.... Nooooo..... Okay, then prove it. Password. Grrrrrr!!!! But he finally gave it to me. Very grudgingly. <P>And I typed sometimes, for awhile, under his screen name. And he typed under mine. Then, I started feeling better and was more able to let him handle what I considered over-interest from female screen names. And he started feeling better about me having access TO his convos.<P>We actually enjoyed signing on together in the olden days of side-by-side computers. It was great fun watching each other's IMs pop up, people in the chatroom wondering how we knew what was being talked about so instantaneously. <P>Don't know if I was any help, but perhaps a little different take on the situation to consider.

Leah,<P>I really don't know if this is a good idea... but as I said in another post to kate31 today... there is software out there to help you...<P>See <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009476.html" TARGET=_blank>Tech Knowledge-yes I'm bad!</A><P>Again... before I knew about MB I used this... (maybe it was right... maybe not...)<BR>You'll have to evalute your position.<P>I really hope you make the decision that is right for you.<P>Jim

I want his password so bad. <P>NSR - wish I had done that before confronting him. He sounds sincere that he'll say goodbye to those he's writing, one in particular. I want to see their past correspondence. <P>Lucks - when we reconciled almost a year ago we made our password the same so I can go in anytime and feel good about what's going on. But something pulled him back into the chat and he opened a secret e-mail account. <P>Just the fact that they talked about meeting has me very upset because he doesn't want us to be apart, but why does he keep being drawn to other women? I knew he was pulling away from me but didn't know why. <P>He said he thought he could do it on his own last time, but now he knows he needs counceling. He also says he needs to go back to church. I keep telling him that if this is dead, just leave me. He says he doesn't want to. How can he have feelings for me and want to secretly chat with others and eventually sleep with others? <P>I know nothing about counselors. What should I look for? I feel like I need a good psychologist to figure him out, because I just can't do it.

Hi Leah. Been there, done that, got not just the t-shirt but the freaking WARDROBE.<P>I think they like the attention, simple as that. After being caught, and in an unguarded moment, my H said "It was flattering, that's why." Now, why it's flattering from a bunch of women they have never seen and who don't really know them, is another question. I can't imagine myself being flattered by receiving cute messages from some unknown man, but apparently this is the draw.<P>I suppose what they're telling us is that they need more attention. When this happened to me, I resolved to be the best little wife ever and cater to his every need. For the most part, it worked. But for it to continue to work, they need to be away from this type of opposite sex interaction. It's very hard to compete with women who ask nothing and give everything, who kiss his butt, and who aren't involved in the dreary day to day of his life. They are the fantasy, and we are the reality. To see reality, they have to stop chatting/emailing/IM'ing/whatever-ing.<P>Tell him you want to work on your marriage, but that he's going to have to make some sacrifices too. Sacrifice #1 is stopping all contact with these women. To ensure that he keeps his promise there's nothing wrong with a little snooping. Install a keylogger on your computer, and demand his password. Tell him that coming clean with this is the only way you're going to be able to trust him again. And sorry, but there's no need to maintain a private email account if there's nothing to hide. <P>He should be open to all these suggestions. He's the one that screwed up, not you -- and Plan A is all very well and good but he should be making some effort to re-establish trust and make this up to you, too.<P>Counselling isn't such a bad idea either. My H was not amenable to the idea at the time, but I sure wish we'd gone now, or I'd gone alone. Talking to a pro always gives you some insights you wouldn't have otherwise come up with yourself.<P>Good luck, and keep us posted.

Leah--<P>We use BPS Powertools which logs IMs and chatlogs. Not exactly a fail-safe like other programs that run in the background recording every keystroke because things CAN be deleted or altered...but more like the "honor system" with proof.<P>Counseling--we are in marriage counseling. I hauled out the phone book and just started calling, and had them return my calls. I finally chose the one who sounded most pleasant and unbiased after hearing a little bit about what we wanted to accomplish IN counseling. (We had one bad experience earlier--I hadn't talked to this guy on the phone.) Make sure they understand you're looking for positive solutions, not negative tones.<P>Some will accept insurance under outpatient benefits, others will not.<P>Tell them the internet is part of the problem, and see what response you get. It's a "new twist to an old problem," but I'd suggest seeing the one that actually talks about it knowledgeably.<P>Good luck!

He sounds addicted to the internet sites/women associated therewith. He's got to get into counseling to lick the addiction. Is this a possibility? Will he admit his addiction to a therapist?

We've been working things out. We're going to go into his e-mail and change it by him writing the first few letters and me writing the last few so neither of us can get into it again. Neither one will know the password. I'll make sure only I know the birthday by changing it, and eventually it will just be over by nobody using it. <P>Janie - He admits he's addicted to the Internet chat rooms. All summer he thought he could keep it at a friendly level, then boom, 1 1/2 months ago comes along someone that drew him back into inappropriate behavior again. All those places are are virtual bars. <P>He admits that he can never chat with women. The weird thing is he doesn't want to do that and just doesn't know why he does. He said he did and didn't want to meet with her. At least this time I found out in time unlike a year ago. He's the one that suggested counseling, because he wants help. <P>He's really looking forward to going back to church as soon as his back is able, and talking to the ministers there. It's weird seeing him really happy again, like a weight has been lifted off of him. When he does this behavior he pushes me away and we aren't happy. As soon as he gives that up, his attention is on me and we both are happy. Are there Internet sites for this kind of addiction?<P>I have a question: Would it be so wrong to innocently e-mail her and tell her I'm sorry I didn't get in touch with her sooner (like I'm a friend), but H and I have been busy lately getting close again and I'll write again when I have more time and maybe we can get together for lunch or something. She is a councelor for a mental health place, or something like that, and I thought I'd make her think that she wouldn't like to mess around with someone whose wife is psycho. It'd be my weird way of letting her know I know. I just want to bug her. I'd get me a fake e-mail address, first, so she doesn't know my last name. (She doesn't know his.)<P>

Hi Leah<P>Glad to hear he's going to change his password. However, I don't think YOU should mail her, I think HE should. He should tell her it's over and he won't be around anymore, and furthermore that he is eliminating all modes of contact and not to bother trying. If he's not amenable to it, just let the whole thing go.<P>I know the temptation is there to mail her yourself, I've been struggling with it all week. However, I've come to the conclusion that she shouldn't be given the satisfaction of knowing she's upset the wife. It's ok for you to compose this mail together, but he should be the one to send it. Then all signals are clear -- he is the one ending it, and it doesn't look like you're ending it for him, against his will.