I have been in my marriage for many, many years. We have had ups and downs. H has been in as emotional affair for at least 2 years. I am so alone in the marriage right now. I don't know if I am just feeling sorry for myself or I am really, really lonely. I am wondering if anyone has ever been in a marriage where you weren't that important and felt like the person would rather be anywhere but with you?
Let me know ok
Bernie

Bernie

you are not just feeling sorry for yourself. You need to talk to your H, ASAP, and really honestly. Your H's EA will become a PA eventually. It is time for the two of you to work on your M. If he won't talk or work on things, then you need to start down the plan A/plan B route as outlined so eloquently in so many places on this site.

S.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BernieF:
<strong> I don't know if I am just feeling sorry for myself or I am really, really lonely. I am wondering if anyone has ever been in a marriage where you weren't that important and felt like the person would rather be anywhere but with you?
Let me know ok
Bernie</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Bernie,

I have felt like that for about the last 8 years of my marriage. It was that long ago that I had heart bypass surgery. It didn't go well and left me in a bad way. I couldn't do the things I used to. My caring a fun loving wife tolerated it at first and then started to disregard me. She would often flirt with others in front of me. I became really depressed and started to receed. The more depressed I got the more isolated I became. After all the most important person in my life didn't care much about me anymore. I even thought our mutual friends accepted me because I was my wife's husband.

Since I have been separated. I have tried hard to improve myself by doing things on my own with our mutual friends, going back to school, joining a prayer group, taking my daughter out, exercising and staying as busy as possible. I didn't like it at first but now I feel better about me than I felt in years. Our mutual friends now accept me more than my WW. They liked me for me. Yeah!

I don't feel unimportant anymore. I was living my life through my wife and she didn't care much.

I can't remember the saying word for word, but it goes something like this. "The loneliest you can be is sitting next to someone you love who doesn't love you."

Try to think of things you can do to improve yourself. Your self esteem will go up and you will love yourself more. Others will notice, probably your hubby too.

Monty, your idea's are right on. This is what I need to do. I just can't get out of this terrible slump I am in. My heart feels like it is 100 pounds. But, it is up to me to change. I am wondering if your would pray for me in your prayer group?
Thanks,
BernieF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BernieF:
<strong>Monty, your idea's are right on. This is what I need to do. I just can't get out of this terrible slump I am in. My heart feels like it is 100 pounds. But, it is up to me to change. I am wondering if your would pray for me in your prayer group?
Thanks,
BernieF</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My group and I will pray for you and your marriage. I know that soon the heaviness in your heart will begin to lessen with your effort to change what can be changed.

You have a good heart. You care about others, even though you have had your own burden to carry. I wish to thank you words of encouragement that you have given me.

I think waiting for a someone to change is what we are always programing ourselves to hope for. But, I know my H is not going to change because he dosen't feel the same as I do. I watch him make time for other relationships and not for ours. I hear the lightness in his voice when he talks about his friends and I have even hear him say these friends, OW, remind him of college when life was not so hard.
I guess this marriage has become hard. I know that someone once said the best things are not easy. But what about feeling alone and sad. We have become shallow,, and then more shallow. This really is not who I thought I was. That scares me if this is what I have become and now have to live with. You are right Monty, I have to choose to be better.
Sorry everyone, I just need to ramble to figure this out.
BernieF

Really Bernie,
I think others would agree that you need to start filling your life with things you like to do or things you always wanted to. Like I think star*fish says in so many words (could be wrong): You can't change your S but you can change yourself.

I am the worst for this. My WW was the sparkplug in our marriage, I just went along for the ride and enjoyed everything she put together. I lived my life through my W. Now I have to live my life myself. I'll keep doing this even if WW comes back. It's hard at first but it gets better and you get stronger and love yourself more. Start living for you, don't wait for H to change. He may after you do.

I don't even know where to begin to fill my life up. I have been thinking about this a lot in the last 2 days and I realized that H has his dear friend , OW, and they spend a lot of time together so he has her to share with. I have become the nag, share checkbook with, house work, etc. I also seem to be so fearful and sad because I am not the one he is choosing to be with. People use to choose me, I sound so pathetic don't I?!! Just today something came up and I said something about the OW and H became so angry, and defended her. ICK. I walked away thinking, "what just happened and why do I feel terrible and sad?"
Where do I begin to fill up my life.?
BernieF

Bernie,

I remember feeling like that. I remember going into the gas station one day and my ex was laughing with the girls and having fun and when he saw me he totally ignored me. I think my feelings for him really changed that day. what really hurt was I was good enough to sleep with everynight but not to treat as his best friend.

If I had to do it over again I would have told him how I felt and who knows maybe if we had talked more about how we were feeling he might not have felt the need to have affairs.

I guess I would tell him how you feel and if he doesn't respond positively then I guess the next step is your decision. I have learned that life is way to short to live miserable. That doesn't mean you have to run out and get a divorce or have your own affair but maybe you need to start doing things that you enjoy.

Jill

I know I understand what you are saying, jellybean36. I have been to counseling as an individual, then to counseling as a couple and somehow this OW has created this puff of smoke that she is filled with truth and I am just way out there. Really, I keep walking around telling myself, I use to be normal what happened to me? I do have trouble telling my H how I feel and I think it is because I have been so angry for so long that now when we even bring the subject up we both just put up walls and get ready for the words to fly. By the way, H said that is my fault because I got angry first! That is true, he was always happy because he had the OW to spend time with and share important things with. It has always been my problem. He just wants to have close friends to be with.
MY or MY I could go on and on. This all goes back to me realizing I have to make the choice to move on and fill my life up with hope. This discussion has really helped me. Please stay with me, keep praying for me, because I need the support of all of you to make it. I feel rejected and that feeling hurts me so deeply that I cannot explain it except to say it is a terribly sad feeling.
Thank you, stay with me these next weeks if you have time.
BernieF

Making changes to fight this lonely feeling is almost more then I can do. My heart is heavy but I know that I have to take the next step to fight all these feelings.
I am trying to make choices that will provide me with the hope that I need. When I start to feel better by myself, my H will either respond to that or continue in the EA. If he continues I will continue to move forward with my life. Thanks to all the people in this topic who encouraged me.
Your words made a difference.
BernieF

I am inspired because this is so much like our R. I can't stand the EA or the defense mechanisms put into place to defend the EA. Seeing an MC tomorrow and that is one of the points of discussion. It may get ugly, hopefully not though. It makes a person feel really rejected when they pay more attention to EA than you and disregard anything you have to say about the matter. I will say, my low self-esteem really started the ball rolling. What you need to do now, is build it back up. Your W or H did not fall in love with some depressed person, it really drags a person down. It was the confidence and the personality that it produced which made you attractive to him/her. I have a friend who is, well, clinically depressed in a bad way to put it nicely. I would avoid his place like the plague because i knew it would lead into more discussions about it. Don't get me wrong, but I could tolerate it for only so long before it got to be too much work to console someone who wasn't interested in changing the things that were wrong and just wanted to cry all the time. He is not my wife (obviously), just a close friend, but when you think about it, it is also helpful in your M to make sure things don't get too dismal for the spouse to handle day in and day out. Confidence and self esteem make people attractive more so than their personal appearance. Just don't cross the cocky or arrogant line because that is even worse. For me personally, I used to think life was how much you had and how good of a lifestyle you lived. Now I know, life is only how well you adapt to change. EA's suck, they make you feel like crap and hence, your self esteem is shot to ****. Now, bring it to another level and you'll see a revelation.

Best of Luck,

Bernie,
I know how you feel. Things that you may have once loved to do, you don't probably don't feel like doing anymore. It's because you are hurt and what is hurting you is consuming your every thought. This is draining you and the heartache hurts just like real heart pain.

I want to make a couple of suggestions. If you are not taking antidepressants, I would see your doctor and get some. I never wanted to take them but finally gave in. Now I am kicking myself for not doing it while my W was still here. I could have coped a lot better. They really made the difference. You may need anxiety meds as well. Often visions of my WW and OM would pop into my head and cause sweating, nausea, chest pain etc.
Anxiety med work fast, but only use them when you really need them, most are addictive.

I couldn't get into any of my old hobbies, I just hurt too much. I needed to talk to people who cared face to face and on the phone. Some friends and relatives listened to me whine and complain and it helped. Then I joined a prayer group and a divorce support group at a local church. Maybe your clergyman can help you find one. I know you aren't divorced but you are feeling the same kind of pain.

When I felt better, I took and am still taking night classes at a community college. I am meeting friends that I can talk to and enjoy. They like me for me. That makes me feel good about myself.

I pray often for God to take my pain and to give me strength, courage and wisdom to do what I must to defeat the evil in my marriage. Yes I do believe there is a devil and I do believe he influences the weak minded and weak willed (read that as WS's). You work on yourself and trust that God will work on your WH. Believe that it will happen in time and at the right time.

We are here for you and God is alway with you. You are never alone, not really. And try to divert your thoughts away from WH and OW. It drains your energy and makes you feel helpless. You are not helpless. Trust me, you will feel stronger and stronger. Then you will be ready to help heal your marriage. You'll be a better person for you, your husband or someone who appreciates you if it ever comes to that. When your self esteem begins to grow, you won't be hurt so easily and be in a better position to take control instead of being controlled. You won't settle for what you are getting now, and you'll be able to do it without LBing.

I know you can do this.