I'm new to MB. I will make my story short. I met up with my ex BF from high school last August. I hadn't seen him in 18 years. We left with questions unanswered at the time but we were so young. We both had feelings for each other and wondered about each other during the years. Last Aug--We were just friends to start and then it became intense. We fell hard for each other. He did go through a D due to his wife's infidelity (she contracted a disease). He wanted a life with me and started to smother me. I know that it was only his fear of being alone (now). I kept pushing him away and I realize in looking back that I was just protecting my boundaries.

Our affair lasted 10 months. At the end of June, I found out he had a personal ad posted. Needless to say, I found out he was dating and having sex with other people while looking at me in the face with tears in his eyes over how much he loved me. I guess I deserved this, huh? I was literally crushed. I shared so much with him and he did this to me and then I realize what I did to my H. After reading this site, I know I was just addicted to the emotional need he was filling in my life.

I confronted the ex BF that I knew what he was doing. He got very hateful with me (probably out of guilt). There has been no contact since then, except I had been getting hang up calls at my office. I struggled for the first 2 months. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't get the ex BF out of my head.

I love my H but we had grown apart over the past year. We had no interest in each other. I am so ashamed for what I had done and pray every day for forgiveness. I will never tell my H that I did this. He's a wonderful father and provider but he didn't express interest in me. Shortly after I found out about ex BF, we had a long talk and I knew I had to salvage my marriage because I knew where my heart was all along--with my H. We went away together on a much needed vacation and that was hard because I had not gotten over the addiction at that time.

It has been 3 months since I found out about ex BF and I can honestly say that I do still hurt and think about him. I am staying strong and positive in my marriage and know that I can never, ever venture outside my vows again. I'm in a rebuilding state and things are going well in my marriage. I am blessed because I have so much going for me, mainly my beautiful family. I don't think after 15 years of marriage that I could have thrown myself into the dating scene so easily as ex BF did. I'm sure ex BF will fall and I hope he does not dare darken my doorstep again.

Anyone have additional advice on how to get over the addiction and rebuild the marriage?

You really should tell your husband, he doesn't deserve to live with the illusion of fidelity when there hasn't been.

Everyone makes mistakes and I can feel how sorry you are, you really should let him know, its his life too.

Rly

[QUOTE]Originally posted by no1mystryf:


I love my H but we had grown apart over the past year.

Maybe you have the illusion you had grown apart due to your infidelity?

no1:

Please think about the timing here:

Number A: You started an A with your xBF 13 months ago, and it ended 3 months ago?

Letter 2: Your H hasn't been "interested" in the M for about a year?

These aren't coincidences (coincidi? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). My W's A started about 13 years ago. Our M was "not what it could have been" for about 13 years. No coincidence. I know this because now that the A is really, really over, I've heard and felt such love from my W as I haven't in a VERY long time.

Simply stated: When your affections are divided like they were, your H can feel it, subconsciously if not consciously. I know I felt it, but I didnt' know what it was and couldn't do anything about it because I didn't know. I truly wish that I had known all those years ago. What a waste of 11 or 12 years!

Don't waste the oppor2nity 2 build a loving, rewarding marriage with your H. TELL HIM what happened. He will be hurt, but you may be surprised at just how strong an ally you may have there. In any case, you can't find out how devoted he is 2 you if you don't tell him, and he deserves 2 know the person he's married 2, warts and all.

all my best,
♥kid 2long

no1,

I will also ask you to look at what you wrote </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love my H but we had grown apart over the past year. We had no interest in each other.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate to be tacky here, but No1. You wouldn't have recognized your H's interest if he bit you on your... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You were IN LOVE with OM. You pulled away from your H because of your affair. This is indeed the normal way of affairs and why they hurt the marriage so much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am so ashamed for what I had done and pray every day for forgiveness. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who are you asking forgiveness from? Your H?? You should be, but you aren't are you? No1, please understand it is very likely your H knows something is wrong. He surely suspected it on your vacation as you suffered through withdrawal while in H's company. I would bet he has felt you withdraw all year and didn't know what to do. That is normal for the betrayed spouse (BS). You have indeed damaged your marriage more than you realize and you are mistaken if you think that you getting out of the affair alone will rebuild it. Ending the affair was a good thing, but it really didn't help your marriage because your partner has no idea what the problem is. If you approach him with ALL of HIS failings how do you think he will react? Probably not very well, why? Because for the last year or so, he knows you haven't been his W. He just doesn't know why. So why NOW would he receptive to your suggestions? Please think about this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will never tell my H that I did this. He's a wonderful father and provider but he didn't express interest in me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He didn't express interest in you. But, he worked hard, he provided for you and your family, apparently he didn't complain too much, and kept doing this inspite of the fact that you have focussed all of your love on the OM. Let me see, is that someone who isn't interested in you, or are you just wanting his love for you, YOUR way, and NOT his way???

There is a series of articles on this site I would like to suggest you read. One is on Love Busters, and under LB's you will find a category on Disrespectful Judgements, DJ's. You assumption that he doesn't and didn't love him because he didn't express it YOUR way is a DJ.

Next I would strongly recommend the articles on "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. I think you will find them interesting and thought provoking. Finally, No1 please read the Four Rules for Marriage. THey are simple, obvious, and often ignored to the detriment of the marriage.

I hope that you will begin to see things differently as you come out of withdrawal from OM, and as you read and post more here.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you everyone for your responses. I stumbled onto this website and am thankful I did. To clarify some things, my H and I were growing apart B4 the ex BF came into the picture. We weren't focused on each other and we both admitted that later. I am the one who approached my H about salvaging our marriage and he told me he is so glad I did. We both had given up, even b4 the ex BF came into the picture. We both admitted we weren't interested in each other like we should have been.

I know everybody thinks differently but I can't tell my H about the A. He told me many years ago that he felt 2nd to the ex BF when we first started dating. He was so wrong. I made the choice to marry him. His brother recently left for AW. That really opened our eyes even more to focus on our marriage. I can't imagine my life without him now and I love him so much that I can't hurt him.

As for praying for forgiveness, I ask God to forgive me for my lies and adultery and I pray to make our marriage stronger and continue to head in the right direction. I thank God that I am so blessed to have my H and was given a 2nd chance.

We went on the vacation after we talked about making our marriage stronger. We needed time alone. We had a very romantic time and really enjoyed ourselves. Yes, deep down I was still hurting but we both needed to get away and this did a world of good. We were also doing this to celebrate our 15th anniversary.

When I posted the message, I expected to get beaten down because I sinned and cheated. I was vulnerable at the time because my needs weren't being met (no excuse) but I have learned from that. I'm headed down the right path.

Sure, I still think about the ex BF and wonder what he's doing and miss the excitement and it all still hurts. I'm hoping that time heals all wounds.

I will read the information you passed along, thank you.

1:

"I can't imagine my life without him now and I love him so much that I can't hurt him."

You have hurt him, he just doesn't know how.

You run a very serious risk of the A reigniting sometime down the road because your H doesn't know about the effects of not meeting your ENs. You need 2 tell him.

My W didn't tell me about her A either. I found out. But only after they'd had a 5-yr hiatus where they almost never saw or spoke 2 one another. When my W felt like she wasn't getting needs met the 2nd time, I ac2ally thought things were going pretty well... Boy, was I wrong! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I would urge you 2 read the articles on the home page about telling the truth 2 your H. Find out why the Harleys (and many others) recommend this. You can always find counselors that don't recommend honesty - I had an IC that said he does. I hope you choose honesty.

-kid 2long

Dear No1,

You wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for praying for forgiveness, I ask God to forgive me for my lies and adultery and I pray to make our marriage stronger and continue to head in the right direction. I thank God that I am so blessed to have my H and was given a 2nd chance.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think that you are going to find much peace with this until you tell your H and open up honestly to him. He isn't really giving you a second chance. He didn't know your first chance was over.

It's really hard to have an intimate relationship without honesty. I know. My H had many affairs and didn't understand that he had built a wall up to protect his lie that didn't allow him to feel my love. Intimacy is crucial for the survival of your relationship and there isn't much chance of intimacy if you have a secret of this magnitude.

Take care.

Stillwed

Hi,
MB principles teach us to have radical honesty with our spouses. You should tell him, although I do realize many 'experts' from other venues would say not to tell him at this point.

I think you should thank the good Lord that you ended the affair before you lost your husband. He deserves to know the truth, and you can work through it together.

I was a cheater too, and you'll find here that at MB all people are welcomed. It's great you found this place now, and not later on--as I did.

It was interesting, I'm divorced now due to my infidelity which exH didn't find out about until after separation. He actually agreed with me last week when I said to him that we never should have separated. That told me that perhaps if I'd come clean earlier on, before separation--as you can do--my chances for saving the marriage would have been much greater!

HP

God bless,
HP

no1mystryf please consider that as long as you keep the truth about your affair a secret from your H(husband), you will always be haunted by the very real possibility of him finding out from somebody like your OM(other man) who may spill the beans to your H, if he one day he gets drunk and all his inhibitions fly right out the window.

On top of all this, you will never achieve true intimacy (the sharing of all your deepest thoughts and feelings) because of that wall of secrecy that will always be on your guard from exposing the truth about your affair.

But if you are willing to live this way, then there isn't much more to say, is there?

Have you also considered that the guilt you feel may be what destroys you? After my H had his A, he had no intention of ever telling me, and the guilt made him a very unpleasant person to live with. We were getting to the point where I was ready to walk away. Well, he finally came clean, and now we are 16 months into recovery, and we are doing great. You may think that you can deal with the guilt, but then again so did my H. The only real chance to save your M is to tell your H and work with him to recover your M! My H was convinced I would leave him (as I had always said I would do if he cheated on me), but here I am.. still with my H and doing better than ever before. Give your H some credit... he deserves to know what you did. It's not fair that only YOU get to decide what he knows! Put yourself in his shoes... I don't think you would like it very much!

Good luck to you!
-mac

The surest way to NOT have a good marriage is to have your marriage a lie. Until you tell your H the truth, so he can choose you freely (not be manipulated as he is now into continuing to choose you), the marriage is not a marriage, it is you using your H....that fact will ensure your marriage will never be healthy, and will most likely fail...plus you are cheating your H and kids by diverting emotional resources into keeping this huge secret. Lastly the affair will not end (even if you never see him again) cause you share a secret with your BF, the only way to purge this connection is reveal the truth.

Your position on this is not uncommon for controllers...who typically think they have the right to make decisions for other people. Some people, after a little thought come to realize they need to tell, regardless of outcome...and they do. Others are determined to not tell, cause it will interfere with what they want in life, and do not want to deal with that turmoil, or consequences...they are very dangerous people, hopefully you are not one....or if you are your H comes to realize it and confronts you...which could mean you lose him...not for the affair...but for being a lying manipulator. So no1....which are you?

No1,

Ok, let's get real for a moment. The reality is that you would still be with OM if he hadn't cheated on you. The reality is that you are protecting your OM, and yourself at your H's expense.

The reality is that of all of the people involved in this mess, YOU are the one that has done the least to rectify it. You won't let OM out of your mind, you didn't end the affair he did, and you haven't had the guts to tell your H why the marriage was failing fast, your A.

All we have heard is excuses, and blame placed on your OM, and on your H. And how you don't want to hurt him. Little girl, it is time you grew up.

THis isn't some stupid little high school fling. You have endangered your H's life (possible STD's), run the possiblity that your children could be ophaned (again STD's for you and H), made it very likely that your children would not grow up in a family but a single parent home with a lying mother, and made a mockery of your marriage.

And then you say "I cannot hurt him." Dear, the point is you already have risked everything, life, H, family for this OM, and YOU cannot let him go. He had to cheat and find other women for you to consider your H. You have no defenses against him, unless you do tell your H.

Now assuming that you finally do come out of withdrawal and the fog associated with the A, and assuming that your H does work on being a better H than ever, and assuming that you find the marriage you wanted, I would bet the people who have already posted to you are right. You will ruin it with your guilt. The more successful the marriage the more your lies will bother you. Unless, of course you have no conscience, then God help you, your children, and your H. You will do this again very likely.

You said a few things I thought I would address. I have taken the liberty to rearrange a few of your comments. I hope this will illustrate to you where you really are in this process.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know everybody thinks differently but I can't tell my H about the A. He told me many years ago that he felt 2nd to the ex BF when we first started dating. He was so wrong. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure, I still think about the ex BF and wonder what he's doing and miss the excitement and it all still hurts. I'm hoping that time heals all wounds. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, he was NOT wrong. Look at your statements about OM. You are lying to yourself and your H had every right to feel 2nd. He might as well know the truth from you instead of you lying to him. Do you suppose thinking he was second all of these years had anything with him pulling away? He was second in your mind, and you have proved it. There is a chance that he could be first, but only if you lance this boil you have had for all of these years: your feelings for OM.

NO1, Time heals wounds if you put medicine something on them. Otherwise time allows the wound to become infected and very serious consequences follow. You think sticking your head in the sand will save your marriage. It won't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I made the choice to marry him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not a ringing endorsement since you also made the choice to have an affair with OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His brother recently left for AW. That really opened our eyes even more to focus on our marriage. I can't imagine my life without him now and I love him so much that I can't hurt him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't suppose feeling he was second to OM, and actually being second to OM hasn't already hurt him. You don't suppose he has felt you have been lying to him all of these years (the only reason your assurances haven't worked is because he "feels" OM's presence in you. You don't suppose your pulling away from him this last year didn't hurt. Woman, the man you are married to is NOT an idiot, he has feelings, and he appears to be far more sensitive than you are willing to admit. If you love this man, you had better take another look at him. He is far more than the fool you seem to think he is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for praying for forgiveness, I ask God to forgive me for my lies and adultery and I pray to make our marriage stronger and continue to head in the right direction. I thank God that I am so blessed to have my H and was given a 2nd chance.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As someone has already pointed out, your marriage hasn't been given a second chance YET. You have been given a second chance to be honest and open with your H. The second chance came via OM's cheating on you.

NO1, I sit here and shake my head. You have no idea how you are disrespecting your H and your marriage. He has a right to know who he is married to. He has a right to decide to fight for the marriage or leave. You think so little of your H that you are SURE that he would leave. What a disrespectful judgement. You view your H as a weak, incapable man who cannot handle pain, and cannot make decisions for himself. Won't you be proud when your children grow up just like you think he is now??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We went on the vacation after we talked about making our marriage stronger. We needed time alone. We had a very romantic time and really enjoyed ourselves. Yes, deep down I was still hurting but we both needed to get away and this did a world of good. We were also doing this to celebrate our 15th anniversary.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Reading the part I put in bold, makes me think you were just a barrel of laughs. I guess all vacations from now on will be like this. You "deep down" still hurting and lying. Time is not going to erase your lie, nor the lying you are continuing to do to your H. It will gradually erode your marriage. It does so often.

No1, I hope you read my comments and give them some thought along with the others you have received. Your have no idea what NOT telling will do to your marriage. It won't be good.

God Bless,

JL

I want to clarify and as I noted in my initial posting, I wanted to make the story short. I told OM on several occasions that I wanted it over. I pushed him away constantly and even told him on numerous occasions that I never could imagine leaving my H. After 4 months, OM was looking at diamond engagement rings for me which totally scared me. He lives 2 hours away and our relationship mainly included emails and phone calls (I'm not saying this is right). I wasn't in love with "him," I was in love with the EN he was filling and that I hadn't been receiving. Yes, I should have talked to H about how I was feeling. H admitted he wasn't talking to me about how he felt either.

Yes, I was very disrespectful to my H and to my kids and I know I have to live with what I did the rest of my life. FYI, I took precautions on STDs. I asked 2 very close friends of mine after I found out about OM if I should tell H. They told me no. I haven't made the decision yet if I will tell H or not. I know I took my H for granted during the A. If I wouldn't have suggested communicating and talking about how we feel, he would have probably wanted a D. I know he has feelings and I don't think of him as a fool at all. I'm totally ashamed for what I did to him.

As for the vacation, we did have a tremendous time. This site even recommends going away with your spouse. My mind was focused on H but there were triggers, such as songs and other things that reminded me of OM. I was still healing at that time and still am currently.

Right now, I'm focusing on my family and especially my H. I look forward to coming home to him and thinking about our future. I know I could never, ever venture to another A ever again.

I mentioned I'm new to MB and I expected to read support and how to move on. Many of you have expressed the importance of telling H. I'm afraid. We were so distant for so long and things are so much better between us, I'm afraid we would take a step back.

First, let me say that the advice you've gotten here to tell him is exactly right. As a BS myself, let me tell you, he knows. He may not know exactly what it is he knows, but deep down, he knows. I can't tell you how many times I've said since d-day that I really knew he was having an affair probably a good year before I found out, I just wasn't letting myself believe it. Somewhere deep down he knows, and it's just going to continue to fester.

I won't lie to you - his choice might be to give up on the marriage. But that should be his choice to make based on all the facts. And he may surprise you.

The main thing I wanted to address here is that you said you are afraid by telling him you'll be taking a step back in your recovery. What you don't seem to see is...yes, you will, and thats EXACTLY the point. Look at it this way. Right now, your recovery is headed up a staircase. You've started up it, but somewhere up ahead the wood in the steps gets rotten, because they have termites (your secret) eating away at them, unseen. So you continue on this staircase, thinking it all looks good, but a really big fall is waiting up ahead.

But if you tell him, you are taking a step back. A step back off the rotten staircase, and a step back where you both choose a new path to take. Hopefully, it will be that you choose together a different recovery staircase, one that has had all the "termites" killed. It may be that you end up taking different paths at that point. But at least you'll be off that staircase that you know has a rotten foundation, that will most likely collapse when the "termites" have eaten away enough at it and the weight on the "stairs" gets too heavy.

No1

You may not realize this but you are getting support. I have told you that I think you should tell, and I have offered you reasons why I think you should. Others' have done the same.

So at least for a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I won't mention that part.

What you need to start to address is how you are going to open your heart to your H again. I don't know if you have read the articles here or any of Harley's books, but I strongly suggest that you do. I think that Surviving an Affair is important for you to read to give you perspective. His Needs Her Needs by Harley addresses how to understand one another better and have your needs met. I would strongly recommend this to you as well.

I will say that many counselors recommend that the BS NOT be told. But I feel that Harley offers a persuasive arguement as to why this may be in the short term the least painful, but in the long term the most deadly to the marriage. I know from being on this site for over 4 years that recovery is better with discloser, and that those who said they wouldn't often came to realize why it was better to do it.

No matter what we say, you are the one that must make the choice. I do hope that you will do the best to recover your marriage,and it is NOW all you that has to do this. Your H really is flying blind here, and strong requests from you for him to change are going to be met with some resistance or resentment, because he doesn't know WHY. You will have to be very vigilant about this.

Keep posting, and putting out your story. I am sure everyone will help you as best they can.

God Bless,

JL

In a word, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of telling my H what I did to him and actually reliving it again myself. I'm at the point now where I'm through the withdrawal and don't feel the same pain I did a few months ago. My H would feel so threatened if he knew about the OM and my A. Sure, I hurt when I found out what the OM had been doing, but it was nothing compared to the hurt when I realized that I almost gave up my marriage for good.

My H will be sitting in a special throne when he goes to Heaven. Any woman would die to have a man like him. He has his flaws, as we all do, and we let our lives steer away from each other. I never, ever want that to happen again.

We are so close now. We leave little notes and cards for each other and we've even been going to dinner alone and having good conversation instead of looking at the walls. We've made more effort to go out with friends. They have had happy hour get togethers at my company and I decline because I want to be with my family.

I heard a good sermon on Sunday. It almost brought tears to my eyes--if your life was a movie or a book, I'm sure there are parts that you would cut out because you weren't living the Christian life the way God wanted. Mohammed Ali would light a match and put it out with his fingers to resist temptations. He said that the pain he felt then was nothing like the firey pain he would experience in hell. I feel God put me to the test and I failed but learned a valuable lesson in my life.

Our 15th anniv. was last month and we watched our video tape. I had tears in my eyes and remembered what I was thinking and feeling when I walked down the aisle with my new husband. We sat next to each other and held hands. I have vowed to keep alive and strong what we have now.

I did read Dr. H. survival of A. It helped me realize some of the stages and things I was feeling. About a month ago someone mentioned that I was a strong person. I felt extreme guilt and knew I had to get thoughts of the OM out of my head and move on.

I will continue to read your replies and other segments of Dr. H on this site. Thanks so much, everyone!!!!

In a word, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of telling my H what I did to him and actually reliving it again myself. I'm at the point now where I'm through the withdrawal and don't feel the same pain I did a few months ago. My H would feel so threatened if he knew about the OM and my A. Sure, I hurt when I found out what the OM had been doing, but it was nothing compared to the hurt when I realized that I almost gave up my marriage for good.

My H will be sitting in a special throne when he goes to Heaven. Any woman would die to have a man like him. He has his flaws, as we all do, and we let our lives steer away from each other. I never, ever want that to happen again.

We are so close now. We leave little notes and cards for each other and we've even been going to dinner alone and having good conversation instead of looking at the walls. We've made more effort to go out with friends. They have had happy hour get togethers at my company and I decline because I want to be with my family.

I heard a good sermon on Sunday. It almost brought tears to my eyes--if your life was a movie or a book, I'm sure there are parts that you would cut out because you weren't living the Christian life the way God wanted. Mohammed Ali would light a match and put it out with his fingers to resist temptations. He said that the pain he felt then was nothing like the firey pain he would experience in hell. I feel God put me to the test and I failed but learned a valuable lesson in my life.

Our 15th anniv. was last month and we watched our video tape. I had tears in my eyes and remembered what I was thinking and feeling when I walked down the aisle with my new husband. We sat next to each other and held hands. I have vowed to keep alive and strong what we have now.

I did read Dr. H. survival of A. It helped me realize some of the stages and things I was feeling. About a month ago someone mentioned that I was a strong person. I felt extreme guilt and knew I had to get thoughts of the OM out of my head and move on.

I will continue to read your replies and other segments of Dr. H on this site. Thanks so much, everyone!!!!

No1,

Why will </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H will be sitting in a special throne when he goes to Heaven. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't mean to be tacky, but your H hasn't done anything. He is just a blind man trying to figure out what has happened and what is happening. And he should be able to protect himself from the OM, but he cannot. You have taken that away from him. He is relying on you to protect him, and he doesn't know that you have already failed. He is completely at the mercy of the OM and you.

I do have a problem with leaving someone defenseless, and you are doing that.

I am glad you are focusing on your marriage. Isn't it a shame you didn't do it earlier. You would have gotten the same response you know. Your H would be just as he is today, a year ago, or more, if you had opened your heart to him.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

1:

2 things:

"I mentioned I'm new to MB and I expected to read support and how to move on. Many of you have expressed the importance of telling H. I'm afraid. We were so distant for so long and things are so much better between us, I'm afraid we would take a step back."

A little of my story for your consideration: My W's A happened 2wice in the past 13 years, with about a 5-yr 'break' between. 2 years ago next month, we had a major fire at our house. I figured that her "distance" was because we were crouded in2 a long-term hotel suite for a month. But our M hadn't really changed all that much in several years. So I didn't notice anything "different" really, just a little more distance. A month or so later, we were cleaning debris out of our bedroom in the house, and she asked me what I thought she should do about some problems RM was having with his new job. She had just seen him the night before, and I didn't know until many months later that they almost were physical, but she stopped it then (they had been before that, though). I remember asking her "can't he talk 2 his W about this?"

For the next 2 months, our relationship got amazingly better. I had no idea why, but I sucked it right up! Heck, we were living in a rental house with a landlord that was obnoxious and intrusive, and we were "trying" 2 have a good family Christmas and do stuff together. And you know? It MIGHT have worked, 2. We were getting very close again. Closer than I had felt with her in... well, 11 years. Except that I found out about the A in January 2002, by accidentally accessing her emails. I had one of those ICs that JL is referring to that recommends that a WS NOT tell the BS about an A if they end it on their own. I couldn't believe he would do that. I argued long and hard with him about that, asking him "how do you think I'd have felt if I'd discovered this 20 years from now, when I'm about 2 2rn 70?? How should I feel after learning that most of my marriage was a lie??"

Look. I found out about my W's affair. she didn't tell me. She told me for over a year that she would have preferred not 2 tell me, 2. And even knowing that she didn't even trust me 2 tell me about her A, my first reaction when I confronted her was 2 try 2 figure out what went wrong with our marriage and how could we fix it? She even offered 2 stay away for a while, but I didn't want her 2 leave. You should give your H the chance 2 be there for you, 2.

"My H will be sitting in a special throne when he goes to Heaven. Any woman would die to have a man like him. He has his flaws, as we all do, and we let our lives steer away from each other. I never, ever want that to happen again."

My W has said similar things about me (but we're not religious). But you can almost be guaranteed that you will once again steer away from each other if you don't embrace radical honesty as core 2 your recovery. Get help from a marriage counselor (one that's FOR honesty, that is!) if you're worried about his reaction when you do tell him.

"We are so close now. We leave little notes and cards for each other and we've even been going to dinner alone and having good conversation instead of looking at the walls."

This is good, but there may come a time when it's not enough. Remember my story? Well, my W was delighted that we were getting along so well for those 2 months before D-day, but she knew me, she knew that I'd probably "take her for granted" again or "get wrapped up in work or my hobbies" again and she'd feel withdrawn again. She never believed that I'd work so hard for the next 20 months 2 try 2 rebuild our marriage. And if I hadn't found out about the A and she hadn't told me, I would NOT have done all this work that I have now done. Without the things I've learned, I would not be the person I am 2day. And I can tell she's more in love with me now than she was during those 2 months when we were "close" but she still had this awful secret keeping her on her guard.

Something 2 think about.

-kid 2long