Have you decided when or if you will tell the truth? The longer he is deceived, the more it will hurt you marriage.

Yeah No1, as John Wayne once said, "let's put some butter on our biscuits and get on."

johnh39. I will look for the book. I'm an avid reader and one who looks for help in them.
I do know my H has been the controller! But I'm taking back some myself.
No1, it really helped him see more clearly once he got past the fantasy. They had email and phone A for months, then met twice in person.
I know he was very angry I found out and it ended by their agreement or me threatening. Both?
Anyhow, yesterday he told me how very incompatible they really were and how materialistic she is!
He acutally needed a 2x4 over head to wake up and look though!
Today he told me they didn't like same foods, hobbies, entertainments, and I ask him how he felt about the physical part. Of course, he wanted to try her! It was offered but mostly all smoke on her part of performing.
What I like best is he told me it wasn't compatible because she has not my body or my personality, and her actions are so different than mine. Quite frankly, I find it weird to think someone feels they are in love, but not compatible with someone. But there you have it.
So it had to be this fantasy he built of how they were as youths. 43 yrs changes a lot in people! She had not shown her vile side as a teenager! But she was not working, gropping for all she could get, married 3 times and enteracting with children of others, etc.
She had turned out to be not the sweet girl of fun she was in youth. Your OM is probably the same!
BTW, did I mention I should ask here if I should inform her H of something he's unawares of?
She set up a secret acct in Caymans while there with family of hers.
She married this man when he was in early 50's, his wife died of TB. He and deceased wife had 4 kids, so must have been grown when he met this woman.
she commented she'd expected them to accept her as mom, but NOT! as their mother had martyred herself. Nice huh? To belittle a dead woman for her childrens loyalty to mom. They were adults and no longer needed this OW to try to baby them. Nor should they allow someone to try to take mom's place.
Shows what a worm this ow is. Stealing assets from under her H nose, putting in offshore accts.
She's money hungry and had suggested my H steal all ours and leave me nothing.
See how a person can change from who they appeared as a youth? Paths chosen!
Little did she know I would have seen them both in prison and I'd gotten 100% of our assets. STATE law here for defrauding. LOL
Oh well, sorry to write so much.
I just hope you find the bad side of this guy and the wonderful side of you H this guy can never be!
LouLou

Hi Lou Lou,
As hard as it is for you to know what went on with your H and his OW, you are now privy to his insider secrets and to me thats a plus. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You are home to him, he trusts you enough to tell you all these things and your a gem to listen. I really do believe its all part of your recovery and his recovery. The secret is no more.... I have no doubt that what he just shared with you will change your lives forever, you will be closer and might not even know it... yet. But it sets the stage for any future contact, and to me, it seems what he thought was, really wasn't.

You take care girl.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Mj

No1, how are you???

thanks MJ. I hope my story helps others dealing with all this sewage!
No1, I hope you make all the right decisions that can put your marriage back on a stronger foundatiopn.
blessings all, LouLou

LouLou, your email of how to put in perspective what the OM is really has helped. I never held him with higher regard than H, just overlooked what I had at home and got swept up in a fantasy. I just never thought it would be this hard to forget about OM.

I had a major trigger today. I was in a meeting at work until about 11:00. After the meeting, I came back to my office and was sifting through the emails and voice messages. I got an email from OM. Don't panic--there was no message. It looked as if he got a virus and it went to everyone in his contact list. I had our IT Director send a reply to please remove me from his list. I'm tired of triggers, I really am. I was doing so well and then about a week ago memories started to resurface. When I start to go down that path, I focus on my husband, I think of many of you who have been there and I think about what you said, LouLou. It's still a struggle sometimes.

Things are going well with H. We are having another date night this weekend. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about what I almost gave up and it bothers me and I feel sick inside. I read this website almost daily and it helps me realize even more that I am not the only one who has been in this situation, and I want so badly for my marriage to be the best it can be.

Thanks all,
No1

No1, I'm glad it's helped you here. Keep up the good work. One important thing for all couples is to remember the beginnings, when they dated, did things on impulse. We old married folks forget to do these things until we wake up and find ourselves in ruts.
Recently, I've been reminding my H of those good times we shared. He always says he remembers as well. Now we are hoping to return to those dates.
You seem to have your focus in the right area. And having your IT send mail to stop the OM mail was a good move. Someone else doing it, not you.
I think we should all think back on the beginnings of our marriages. Or especially WS should.
Why did we marry? We were madly in love, and physically attracted, no, make that hotter than a pepper sprout. LOL We were in that wonderful euphoria that WS seem to get with OP.
So? We're still the same persons. All they need do is use the same charm, caring and pampering on us and they'll have their perfect gal/guy!
Good wishes to you, LouLou