I am a week into Plan B and going crazy. I did some snooping right before WH and I separated and found out my H had purchased an airline ticket (OW lives in another state). He initiated the separation, saying he needed time alone to figure out what he wanted. I figured it was as good a time as any to go into Plan B. Our MC and I asked him not to see OW during separation (as MC put it: b/c then you wouldn't be alone).

The week before we separated we had a previously scheduled vacation that we went on. We had a wonderful time, with my H thanking me for making it so great. He said he knew it could have been miserable and it left him with good memories of me and helped him to remember why he married me.

The few days before I left he admitted the OW was calling him at work everyday. He said on at least two different occasions (once on the day I left) that he didn’t have any plans to see her. However, the day I left is the day I found out he had bought an airline ticket a few days earlier.

We also had a couple discussions pre-S where I asked him not to bring her to our apt if he saw her. I explained how there was no way I could ever sleep in our bed knowing they had been together in it (his response: we can get another bed). I went on that it wasn’t just the bed, it was all the furniture, memories connected to them that would be ruined for me. I told him I was just being honest when I said I didn’t think I could ever live there again with him if he brought her there. He said he understood.

So here’s why I’m going crazy and feel sick to my stomach. I know he bought an airline ticket through CheapTickets. I know he had a trip labeled New York 10/8/03 in his CheapTickets folder, but the particulars were deleted. I know he took today off work. I also know he wasn’t in his office for the majority of yesterday (yes, I was calling his direct line to check). Finally, I know that he answered our home phone last night at 11:30pm (I hung up). Me thinks there are too many coincidences here.

Now I know everyone’s going to tell me I shouldn’t be doing all this checking up and snooping while I’m in Plan B, that I should be concentrating on me. Unfortunately, I found out about the ticket before I left and have been like a dog with a bone ever since. There are two things that are eating me up (besides the obvious one of him seeing her again). One, that he lied to my face on more than one occasion about already having plans to see her. The second is that he ignored everything I said about how strongly I felt about him not bringing her to our home (I even put it in my Plan B letter), and he did it anyway.

A part of me is dying to call him and just ask him why he would do this. He fed me so much crap before we separated asking me not to give up hope, to keep believing in us, and how he was already missing me and so on and so on. I am feeling so incredibly down and hopeless because I had told myself that if he brought her to our home, that would be it because it would really show me how little my feelings mean to him.

Sorry to go on and on, but does anyone understand how I’m feeling about this, or am I making a mountain out of a molehill???

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: trying32 ]</small>

No, not a mountain out of a molehill, more like a mountain out of a mountain...but can you move a mountain? I mean, really, what can you do about this situation? Confront him about it? LB, and no contact in Plan B, remember. That's the frustration. Just think about them trying to make house and that she's a TERRIBLE cook, or she's a GREAT cook, but snores...and is selfish, can't leave that one out. Save this one for later to tell him how hurt you are. Make conditions for recovery that you both move to a new place with a NEW BED... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Now, what can you do now. Have you exposed the A to family and friends? And most especially, to her family (H?) Timing is perfect right now ifyou haven't done it already, and if you have, then the time is right to check in with him and see how things are going. OK, if she is D then left X know, sure he wants to know about immoral character of XW (especially if custody is an issue). And maybe he can inform you of other facts...

But, all this aside, how can you take your mind off it? Time to go out of town yourself? Time to visit friends, take a drive, see the Fall colors...

Help! I ended up contacting OWH on Saturday to find out if she was out of town (he said she was at her parents). I don't know why I called him since I never wanted to talk to him or OW. I was mad at myself for doing it after I got off the phone. Of course, OW let my H know and I got this email Sunday from my H.

****

Trying-

No contact of any kind means no contact of any kind. That includes calling and hanging up to keep appraised my whereabouts. It also includes, in my mind, calling Mr. X to find the whereabouts of Mrs. X. Needless to say I was not at all happy to hear that you'd contacted them. If I hear that you've done that again, I'll file for divorce immediately . It's a violation of their privacy and I find it more than a little obsessive, particularly when you won't speak to me when you call to check up on me.

Up until this email I've honored your request for no contact of any kind. I now ask that you grant me the same courtesy. I'll speak to you on December 1st unless you give me cause to file for divorce before that date.

For your information and perhaps your peace of mind, Mrs. X and I had agreed to cease all further contact with each other. We still plan on honoring that arrangement despite yesterday's unpleasant conversation.

I hope you'll honor my request for no contact of any kind between now and December 1st. I will not speak with you should you call and I will not respond to further emails.

I've tried to make this email civil, but you should know that I'm very upset. This burned much of the good will that was created between us in the last two weeks we were together. I spent much of yesterday afternoon, last night, and this morning deciding how to respond to you without flying off the handle. I hope I've accomplished that. Now back to no contact of any kind.

Mr. Trying

****

I was blown away by this email. My first instinct was to defend myself, but I decided there was no point. I felt alot of emotions after reading this: fear (did I blow it?), doubt (so were they together this past weekend or not?), anger at myself for making the phone call in the first place (felt this before I got H's email), and anger at H for alot of reasons (coming to her defense so strongly, talking about violating her privacy when he's so clearly already violated mine with everything he's told her about me, threatening me with D if I make another phone call after everything he's done, and his comment about burning much of the good will that was created between us).

Why am I held to such a higher standard? Since Dday, I have not once gotten into a screaming match with him, I haven't called him any names or gone on a rant about how could he do this to us, and I haven't resorted to namecalling of the OW. I have tried to handle myself with dignity and remember that my goal was to rebuild my M. I knew acting out on my every emotion wouldn't help, so I tried to keep myself in check and not LB. Well, I guess it all finally became too much, I cracked and I got a little crazy.

Anyway, I would really like opinions on whether or not I seriously blew this? I'm feeling very dejected right now.

Hi trying32

That email shows he also doesn't want to have contact with you. If you keep at this attitude on checking up on him you will only get more craziness to your world. Please stop all this and the NC. Let OW try to meet all his needs. Eventually one of them will get tired of it. I know is hard and you try to control the sitch and don't want to let go. In truth, there is not much you can do that far away than complicating things further and LBing.

Try to keep calm. Look for other activities to fill your time whatever those might be.

Take care

Thanks for your reply Matilde.

You are absolutely right, I need to stop this checking up on him and detective work. I can't control what he's going to do while we're separated and it will only drive me crazy (it obviously already did b/c otherwise I would've never made that call in the first place).

Ironically, our last 2 weeks together were the best we'd had since Dday. I'm just worried I blew all that in a matter of minutes with that phone call. I keep going back and forth between being scared that I could have screwed up any chance of reconciliation and being angry at the whole tone of my H's email (and everything else that's come along with his A).

I've noticed I feel alot more anger toward my H since I've been in Plan B. Is that "normal"?

I think its all a bunchy of BS. Hmmmmm.....he finds out within minutes that you've called OWH?

Hmmmmm....OW is indeed out of town this weekend.

I think a big one was pulled on both you and OWH.
You found airline tickets right?

He just gave you a big scolding so that you'll stop spying. Cuz he doesn't want to get CAUGHT.

Hire a PI if you can. And stop letting him blame you. Go dark and let someone else (PI) do your work for you.

You're not overly suspicious or crazy Trying. I'd say you were dead on.

Hey Trying, how are ya? I, for one, think calling the OWH was an excellant strategic move. Look at how angry and defensive he got. My WW was the same way. I told her folks and mine and she went completly nuts on me. It's ok, it is the pressure you are putting on the A that is causing the anger. He may be mad at you, so what. He is having an A!!!! And obviously isn't caring to much about your feelings, look at his response to your statement about the bed.

It sounds like you are still doing some plan A work right now. Exposing the A and keeping tabs on him are part of plan A. IMHO, if you haven't done those yet, do them now. MB vets can set me straight on this, but I viewed these as essential to plan A. Tell the world, make it front page driving news!!! Call your folks, his folks, tell OWH everything. Tell his boss, her boss, all his fiends. EVERYBODY you come into contact with. Ok, maybe that is a little extreme, but tell people who care about him and care about your M. Tell people who have known him his whole life, people who he has respected and will now look down on his behavior. Make this A as icky for him as you can...but not in an LB sort of way! I don't see the point in keeping tabs on him anymore though. You need to protect yourself, keeping yourself infoprmed of his actions will not do that.

Don't fool yourself, he will be a raging lunatic when the A is out in the open. He will be furious at you. So what. It is about what your doing to end the A, it isn't going to affect reconciliation. I changed the locks on our house when my W moved out. She came home to get some stuff when I was gone and broke a window to get in. She was really angry with me. Telling me I make her sick and that she hates me. This was last Monday, by Wednesday she couldn't figure out how come I didn't want to talk to her or hang out with her. The anger you husband has for you will come and go. I highly doubt he will file for D. My wife has threatened D many, many times. Fog talk, all of it. Your H will be the same way.

Talk to Cerri if you doubt what I'm telling you. She is a proffesional coach, highly trained in MB principles. If you have trouble getting her attention here, try the JFO board. I'm still there, even though I'm in plan B, because I've gotten so much good advice from her and a couple of others over there. Seriously, check her out.

Take care and Good Luck!

The anger is just part of the B*llS$%t he is putting you through. WS always try to dictate the terms of their A to the BS. You have every right to verify what is going on--- if he is out of your life, it is none of his business if you call OWH or any other man. He's mad because probably your call put a wrench into his little weekend, probably through OW for a loop and she's not so much fun to be with when she is freaking about her H.

Probably it is best not to respond to his message--- get him worrying about what YOU are thinking. Hey, maybe now that you have uncovered this, you are filing for divorce yourself well before Dec 1. Anyway, you agreed to no contact with him- not OWH. If he does call you, I would simply say, OWH really understands what I am going through right now, he is helpful to talk with. It has nothing to do with you, and my conversations with him are my own business, not yours.

I speak from personal experience. I spoke to my OWH several times, both my H and his then OW hated every time we spoke, it freaked them out!

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Lexxxy - Yes, I have wondered if my H had such a strong reaction because I found out. The thing is that OW doesn't need to lie to her H about seeing my H. OWH told her she could see my H once a month. And yes, while I had him on the phone I asked him and he said it was true. Anyway, he said if she went to see my H she would've told him (since she doesn't have to lie about it). So, I have no idea what to think anymore.

WMWB - I actually never wanted to talk to either OW or her H. The "deals" they continue to make with each other make me sick to my stomach. Anyway, I hope you're right about his anger coming and going. Since this whole thing started he's never ever threatened me with D. On his down days he might say he sees us heading in that direction, but he's never made a threat out of it. His doing that, needless to say, got my attention. Like I said, I alternate between being terrified I blew things to getting really mad that after all he's done he's the one threatening D. So, I hope you're right.

Espoir - I don't have any desire to speak to OWH again, he makes me as sick as OW does. As for replying to H's email, once I got past the intense desire to defend myself, I realized that responding wouldn't help and would probably just make things worse. He is defending her and I suddenly feel like the enemy, I hate that.

Espoir, I see in your sig your H continued contact with OW for 3 months. Can I ask what finally happened to end your H's A?

Trying

The reason your H took such an extreme jump on the angry defensive front is because he must have felt REALLY threatened by your talking to the other guy. He is mad at you, but it is because his addiction is being threatened. The more you do to hasten the end of his A, the more anger you will see. It is textbook. Have you read Surviving An Affair ? If not, get it and read it. The more threatened he feels the less and less he will resemble your husband. This is the fog. Don't worry about it. He is blowing smoke. You CAN do this. Just do what you have to do and don't respond to him or his threats. Do not feel threatened. If he takes action, he takes action. There is nothing you can do to stop him. Right now he is using the threat of legal action to bully you into behaving like HE wants you to behave. Just be a good little wife and let me do my thing. Doesn't it just make you furious? Look, every legal action can be countered. Just because he files or gets an attorney doesn't mean he's won anything.

Look, right now he is playing you. What would be worse, standing up for your self and going down with a fight; or sitting around getting walked all over and hoping he will return to the man you fell in love with and wanted to spend the rest of your life with? You tell me, which type of person would you want to be with? Or even more important, what type of person would you want your kids growing up to be? (I knwo your sig line says no kids, but just imagine for a second)

Stand tall, show some strength, and take care of yourself.

Good Luck! Keep us posted.

Well isn't that just a sick R the OW and OWH have. What an arrangement.

Did he put 2+2 together and realize she may have lied to him about meeting WH? (Probably was). Next time you talk with him (if you do) you may want to mention it's NOT OK with you for WH to see OW, and that he and OW are breaking up a M.

WH angry? You scared him into thinking his world was changing...well, welcome to your world. That anger is a good sign, it means that there were some consequences to your actions and the fantasy spell was broken for a bit. Perhaps OWH questioned OW about where she was...

And puleeze, threatening D? As if cheating wasn't a M breaker enough? He's saying to you "Let me cheat and I'll stay M as long as I want, but if you ruin this R then I'll D you". Yeah right, if his R ends then he looks around lonely and Ding is the last thing on his mind.

Well, I had written a reply but then it got lost in the update...

WMWB - I have read SAA. I was surprised at how angry my H got, but maybe you are right and maybe it is a good thing. I spoke with our MC/IC via telephone (he agreed to have phone sessions with me since I'm out of state now) on Tuesday. He also was surprised at how strong a reaction WH had. He suggested that OW got angry with my H about my call and that some of that was coming through in the email. He thought my H wrote the email while he was still upset and that after a couple of days he would cool down and probably realize he had overreacted.

Interestingly enough, on Tuesday I got a surprisingly very pleasant email from my H about a job possibility. The email only talked about the job, but he signed it "Love, Mr. Trying". In the other emails he only signed his name. So, maybe the C was on to something there.

SHMI - Yes, OW and her H absolutely disgust me, which is why I never want to speak to either one of them again (and why I'm disappointed in myself for speaking with him in the first place). And all three of them know very well how I feel about the idea of a "visitation" schedule between WH and OW. I made that very clear in August when she told him about her idea.

Anyway, I'm trying to keep busy. I've started writing in a journal and it helps some. Gets things off my chest, I guess.

Thanks again for all your input.

Trying.

Why are you upset at talking with OWH in the first place? They may make you sick to your stomach, but it served it's strategic purpose, right? My wife had the same type of strong reactions. I told only family, but I also confronted OM with my two little boys (4 and 2) right by my side (I kinda wish now that I wouldn't have brought them, but it seemed like a good idea at the time). When WW found out all of this she went physcho on me. Really flipped out. She was over it in a couple of days, well she was over the anger not what I did. She still thinks I was trying to turn people against her.

Anyway, I for one think you did great and I'm proud of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ! I don't know what to tell from here, I'm stuck struggling in my own plan B right now, so I know first hand how much it sucks. I guess all I'd say is keep up the fight, keep the faith, and take care of you.

Good Luck!

<small>[ October 17, 2003, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

Isn't the point of Plan B to put real distance between you and your H? And some of the possible benifits of doing Plan B might be ---> YOU quit obsessing and feeling arrows of agony to your heart, and he has the chance to miss you and your charms????

Am I missing something here?

Pep

WMWB - I actually wasn't thinking strategy or anything else when I made that call. That is part of what got me so upset with myself, I felt out of control and didn't like that feeling at all. Our C even said that me calling OWH wasn't the best idea, but tried to reassure me that whether the M continued or not wouldn't hinge on that call.

Pep - I'd say your description is Plan B in a nutshell. Unfortunately, right before I started Plan B I found out about the plane ticket and started assuming, which then led to obsessing, which then led to the mess described above. Since all that, I've started keeping a journal, which has helped. I've also stopped checking online my H's email and credit card purchases (my C also encouraged me to stop doing these things).

My H and I haven't spoken in two weeks (longest we've gone without talking to each other in 7 years). He was sending short emails about mundane things the first several days I was gone (I was not responding to them) until I emailed him my PBL, then he stopped. He sent the nasty email posted earlier in response to my call to OWH (I didn't respond to it). He sent an email alerting me to a job because he's admitted that my not working the last year so I could finish my degree has been alot of added stress on him. I didn't respond to that email either (though I did call the contact person about the job).

So I have put distance between us. I know some say calling OWH was good, some say not. Personally, I do feel like I slipped up - both in Plan B and my own personal resolve to never have any kind of contact with either OW or OWH.

I do feel better than I did this time last week, that's for sure. But I wouldn't say I feel carefree. But who knows, maybe in another two weeks I will.

Trying.