My MC gave a novel to read as homework. It is "Instances of the Number 3" by Salley Vickers. Apart from some "triggers" for example - my W has never been with me on Christmas Eve for many years. The question the novel stimulated me to ask myself regards the role of forgiveness in our M. WS has never been one to truly forgive people and often bears a grudge.
Obviously, I have contributed to the demise of our M but I suppose I feel that the A, Fog etc is showing me in the most graphic way imaginable, that she is not prepared to forgive any of my mistakes. In fact I feel she has never given me any forgiveness for a long time, just threats not to repeat whatever upset her.
I now feel that it is very unlikely that she will forgive my part in our M failings. Furthermore, I don't think I could spend the rest of my life with someone incapable of forgiveness.
Perhaps I need to look at whether or not I can forgive. I obviously believe I can but does WS believe this? I did tell her I forgave her earlier this year but as I said then that can only truly be demonstrated through actions not words. In any case you cannot really forgive someone when they continue the actions you are trying to forgive.
Any MBers got any comments on the subject?

NS
Sometimes to move forwards, first you have to take a step back.

<small>[ October 10, 2003, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Newsunrise ]</small>

In answer to the topic heading: Frequently, yes. In my marraige, yes.

But, don't use that as an excuse to divorce. We are much more likely to forgive people who we love. How much she loves you is partly dependent on how you act. You cannot force her to love you, but you can act lovable and loving. After that it's up to her.

And you know what - looking for reasons to divorce her does not fall under either lovable or loving.

We used Harley's materials, Torn Asunder, Marriage Counseling, praying together fequently, daily Bible devotions, and my wife reading "The Power of a Praying Wife" and both of us reading "Lies Women Believe" (I thought they were pretty non-sex-specific, myself) and prayer to get to the point where we now have a great marriage.

It does not work for everybody, becaue not everyone has a spouse who participates, but you can start on your own.

I am not looking for reasons to divorce her. However I do not want to go back to the M we had and am now looking closely at exactly what we had.
I have always known she is capable of falling out with people and never making up with them, we have had discussions about it in the past. She always refused to forgive them. It is something I have always known but never really looked at the ramifications for our relationship. The truth is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a person incapable of forgiveness. I know that if I want a marriage then standing up for my rights may mean I lose that. I have accepted being married to a WS, fog talker, liar, etc but this is a boundary I am no longer prepared to cross.

NS
Sometimes to move forwards, you first have to take a step back.