I really need to hear from you veterans out there. The crap hit the fan tonight. My WH was in a golf tourney today and said he would stop by and visit and have dinner (it just so happened to be my b-day). Well, of course, he never showed up. I received a phone call later in the evening from my SIL. She stated that WH was at the bowling alley (there was a fundraising event going on), and that the OW was there with her kids.

Just to give you a little background. SIL and WH used to be "best friends" before the A. In fact, SIL supported WH by providing him a place to stay for a month while he "worked on himself." This was of course, before the A went full blown.

Since then, SIL has been very angry w/WH due to the fact that WH is handling the situation as he is (indecision, and keeping me in the dark, etc...) Needless to say, their relationship is very, very bad, and WH says it will never be repaired. I'm currently staying with MIL, who has been very good not to get involved, and understands my need for Plan A. SIL is not so understanding. She is young, and probably thinks Plan A is ridiculous, but she misses and loves her brother so much, and she is so hurt by what he is doing, that she acts out. She has put "wake up loser" on his screen saver, she has called OW in middle of the night, just to hang up. I asked SIL to please not interfere anymore, that it only makes matters worse for me, because WH thinks that SIL and I are in cahoots. He doesn't trust that I have NOTHING to do with her actions.

Tonight was the kicker. SIL confronted OW at the bowling alley, calling her all sorts of names in front of her kids, and telling her to just "go away." WH got in SIL's face and the whole thing just got really ugly. Cops were called (which was really embarrassing for me, because I used to be a dispatcher, and know most of them). SIL was saying that WH hit her and that she wanted to press charges. I really don't know the truth to what happened, but I did get a phone call from WH and he was HOT.

He automatically assumed I pursuaded SIL to confront OW, only because she told him that she did call and spoke with me, before the confrontation. The only thing I discussed on the phone with SIL was that I was expecting WH here for dinner and wasn't the least bit surprised that he stood me up for OW. I did not know SIL's intentions to confront OW, otherwise, believe me, I would have begged her not to.

So, now, of course WH is at OW's, and really doubts my sincerity. I reminded him that he knew I wanted to save this marriage, and just like all the other things SIL did, it was completely her own doing, I knew nothing of it. I told him that his sister loves him very much and is just dealing with her anger the only way she knows how, I have no control over that. I also explained that our M is the most important thing to me, and that there was no way I would sabotage any chance of reconciliation by doing immature and vengeful things.

Now, I feel like I must play my cards very carefully with him. He's making statements about never having anything to do with ANY of his family again. He threatens to keep his oldest son (my step son) away from the rest of his family. He knows that his family is supporting me, so now he probably feels he only has OW to lean on.

Where do I go from here? Last weekend we were practically in MC, because he had called the A off, and now 6 days later, we're back where we were 2 months ago!!! This roller coaster is making me sick. It doesn't help that I'm due to have our second baby in 3 weeks!!!!

Just to inform you, WH is in therapy, and started anti-D/anxiety meds three weeks ago. Do any of you think that all this nonsense about his family will subside, or will he always be this angry? Is it guilt, fog talk, or what?

Please, any response is much appreciated!!!

Thank you- MOP

Me-BS 32
WH-29 (on the edge of "30," if that means ANYTHING!!!
Met Oct 95
Married Mar 99
EA started April 03
PA started Aug 03
D-day May 30 03
WH has "broken up" w/ OW three times, only to take her back again
OW is very young and needy ("hold me, promise me you want to be with me... blah, blah, blah.)

Hi Mother of Pearl

Your story just breaks my heart... I also notice few other posters here too..that have heart breaking stories....

I am astounded by what a woman would put up with... I am stunned. There is noway I would ever put up with spouse treating me like this...NEVER. I am sadden though to see so many here putting up with so much...all b/c they are afraid to move on. I am confuse why someone would put up with such shabby treatment...

Your Husband doesn't know how lucky he is... really. I know if I was in your situation... I would kick his butt out. Never play second fiddle to his games. I wish you knew that you are worth so much more. Pearl I do wish the very best..I pray that your WS will wake up and smell the coffee. I am glad to see that at least his family is on your side. Doesn't your H know that doing this kind of garbage harms his own unborn child?
Can I ask you why you would even want him back?
Please take care of yourself Pearl...and don't believe for one moment that you caused this...

Take Care.
wiz

Wiz,
Thank you for your kind words. To tell you the truth, I've been with this man for 8 years, and we have been through thick and thin, truly best friends. In fact, neither of us ever thought a third party would ever come between us. We always felt that if something were to tear us a part, it would be finances, or addiction. (he's an extremely addictive personality, and has come to me for help with so many different things.) We've always been able to get him through the addictions, together, and I guess I'm just hopeful that this OW is the same scenario. We have discussed it, and he has even mentioned that the OW may be his next addiction. I remind him that he's been able to "cold turkey" all other addictions, this could be no different.

His behavior in the last 6 months has just flabbergasted his entire family. Before D-day, I did ask if he was using (drugs) again, because the signs were there. Then, of course, I suspected my worst nightmare, the OW. It's sad to say, Wiz, but (and I've told him this), I'd almost rather have him on the drugs again. He understood. I know for a fact he is not using, though, because he gets random tests at work.

We planned this baby. Ten weeks into the pg, WH tells me our marriage is "lacking passion and daily affection," and that we're best friends, but maybe not "in love" any more. The warning signs went up big time. I thanked him for knocking me up, since our marriage was such a mess... It was just all part of his plan to be able to separate himself from me to possibly pursue the A. Big time DENIAL.

But, I love the man. When he is being true to himself, Wiz, he is wonderful. Everyone at his work would comment on how friendly, and genuinly nice he was (before the A). Since the A, he's burned a lot of bridges (it's a workplace romance), and a lot of co-workers have basically lost a lot of respect for him, and think he's being a dumba##. He's miserable at work now, leaving early all the time, taking time off, and now our finances suffer even more. (Which makes the M look less attractive...)

He admits, he got himself in way too deep...

I'm just afraid that he's too angry right now for me to execute any type of Plan B. I know I'm suppossed to leave him with the most pleasant of memories. Besides, it's so hard, with the baby coming so soon. But, he may feel that he's so far on the outside (total alienation with family), that it would just be easier to stick it out with the OW.

I'm so confused right now, and knowing that he's with her right now just makes my heart ache.

MOP

MOP- Well this is a birthday you will never forget. Time to back off and emotionally detach from WH. His behavior really takes first prize for jerk of the week, no wonder he got so mad being confronted by SIL. Good for her! You, my dear, have more important things to be taking care of - Yourself and baby that is coming. I'm not a veteran here, but I'm sure you will hear from some. However my advice is to put him on the back burner for awhile and do nothing but prepare for your new little one. Hang in there, you can get through this.

Hi Mother of Pearl...
I hope you are feeling a little better today. I have to agree with believer...
You are going to have to learn to detach yourself a bit with your WH....
You need time to organize your thoughts... I almost sense that you feel that this is your fault....please don't fool yourself into who is really at fault here and that is your Husband...
MOP you don't want to go through this cycle over and over....and over again.

You want your children to see that you value yourself enough that you deserve better than this....
Your Husband is angry b/c he knows the truth...but he doesn't want anybody put up mirror up for him see....

Sometimes we have to have to play "tough love" ...in the long run..we only get what we allow others to treat us like....

I know how you feel... I bet you can't believe its even happening... I bet you keep saying to yourself... "I can't believe he could do this to us.... and how could he do this while I am 7 months pregnant with his child??"

You are seeing the truth... about this man. What he's really capable of?? This is all about character... it sounds like MOP that you have already put up with so much. I know that you feel that you have come this far...you can't give up now? Well, you are the only one that can answer that... You know the truth deep down?? Can you survive the next 1--20 years like this? Can you put your children through this? Please don;t make the same mistakes I have Pearl..I have always known the truth.... its too late for me...my children paid big time. Most the time they didn't have father... and like yours..he dabbled into drugs half the time...and ran around on me... nothing ever did get normal. I am sure he loved me and our children but truth be told he loved himself more than anything.

Beleive me when I say... "please" don't fight it..if this who he is..PLEASE see the man for who he is? When you hold your child in your arms...don't they deserve a peaceful...loving enviroment...not future filled with hurt and pain.

I know that your hurting..and I know you love him... but does he truly love you?
My thoughts are with you...

wiz

Wiz,
I respectfully ask that you read the MB Principles and brush up on "FOG".
This is a very confusing time for BS's as you know. But to suggest that Pearl's WH is now showing his "true" self, goes against all that we have learned here.
Only Pearl knows for sure what good her WH is capable of when he is not a prisoner of the FOG and OW. You seem to suggest that she should just give up on her M, please, she may not be ready to do that just yet which is why she is here.
MY own WH is a complete idiot right now, and has been doing and saying things for 10 months now that are completely OUT of character for the man I loved and knew for 20 YEARS! THIS MAN is not the REAL one!!! He is the same as any person with an addiction, it turns them into someone unrecognizable to those who love them!
I am so sorry that you regret staying with your WH, it is not true for others, there are ways to get past the hurt and the pain and to have a loving M.
M.Of Pearl, I understand how difficult it is to have family interfere. It does not help. My own family did things that I still cannot forgive them for, as I feel they truly pushed WH off the fence and away from me and my children forever.
Please do not listen to people who tell you to give up on your M and WH if you are truly not ready to do so. However, be prepared for a rough ride! You are in a delicate position, being pregnant and all. You do need to protect yourself and children by removing yourself from the triangle as best you can. Set boundaries, find support, and do good things for yourself.
I wish you the best. STay strong...

Shugah,
Thank you for your support. I'm not ready to give up. I, like you, know this is NOT my husband's character. Just when I thought the FOG was lifting, he seemed to fall deeper into it. So, I will back off a little more, yet continue to remind him that I am here for him, regardless of how things are going with himself and his family. He's running for some reason...

I know he's placing blame. He told me last night that he knows his sister hates him... I was quick to tell him that his sister doesn't hate him, that in fact she still loves him very much... well, that was the WRONG thing to say. He blew up and said, "are you kidding me?" "How could she be treating me and (OW) like this if she loved me?" HMMMMM.... I could say the same for him, but I won't even go there, cuz I know he's not ready to see the truth.

I decided 7 weeks ago to get myself emotionally ready to have this baby, and to just consider myself a single parent for the time being. I will just continue with that plan, and let my H continue to get the help he needs, and hopefully put some of that therapy to use.

BTW, where on the site could I find more on FOG? I think I understand it for the most part, but at this point, I don't think I could educate myself too much.

Mother of Pearl

Wiz,
Thanks for checking in. I am feeling better today, but that probably only means the dust has settled and another storm is brewing somewhere... Hopefully, SIL will just back off for a while, and let me really execute Plan A (she doesn't understand it), because when others aren't involved, things really do run a little more smoothly.

I know that H knows he is doing wrong, but is not ready to face the truth, yet. We talked last night, and it was actually the first time that he told me that when I'm not with him, I'm really there. I never believed this, I just always thought, "out of sight, out of mind." Because I know for a fact when he's with me, he thinks of OW. But, he told me he's so confused that when he's with her, he thinks of me. Hopefully, he's not just saying that to give me some peace of mind. I'm wondering if the less time I spend with him, the more he'll realize he does truly miss me. (His R with OW is pretty chaotic, and he's admitted that.)

Perhaps I should let him experience a little more chaos than he can handle...

Hi MOP,

Thank you for your thoughts over in Plan A/B. Ugh, you're in a horrible situation and about to have your second baby? (((Hugs))) to you!
You might need to have a heart-to-heart with your SIL. I know I would love it if someone told the OW off (come to think of it, my cousin's daughter works with her, but I won't go there), but her actions are really not helping your case.

Wow, our situations are pretty similar with PAs starting about the same time. I'm really surprised I'm still here.

Now, it sounds like you are in Plan A, but you don't live together? Why is that?

lbc,
I was in the house with H until mid August. We were somewhat living as a married couple, although sleeping in separate rooms, I continued to be the domestic goddess that I am, lol, and he got to pretty much come and go as he pleased, while he figured out "what it is I feel for her." Also, she would call on our back phone line all the time, and I just felt as though I could no longer answer my own phone. He said, "maybe there's something we could do to make it easier on you," but I only saw that as a temporary situation. Basically, everytime that phone would ring, I would lose it (LB), and break down crying or have to leave the house. H would try to comfort me, knowing it bothered me, but wouldn't tell her to stop. I knew that my emotions irritated H sometimes (because he felt guilty?), and I only saw that as a LB (even before I knew about MB), so I told him that I would leave.

Why did I leave and not him? Well, first of all, yes, I was afraid he would stay with her. But, financially, we could not afford another place for him. And, more than anything, some nights he has my daughter, and I wanted her to be in a familiar home, not some bachelor pad, or worse yet, OW's apartment!!!

Yeah, I think I'll be emailing SIL today. I know she's so hurt by her brother, and that she misses the person he used to be, but H associates me with her, and feels I'm just as guilty. I need him to trust me more than anything, and until she started this stuff (which I have to admit I can't blame her for), I know I had his trust. He told me before, that even though he was so confused in this mess, he does know that I'm trustworthy and that I love him. I can't allow her to mess that up for me.

Thanks,
MOP

MOP,

You say your WH has an addictive personality and you have dealt with his past addictions... Has he ever sought counseling? What meds was he put on?

I'm asking so maybe I can help w/you w/his behavior. My WS also had an addictive personality growing up. He was diagnosed as bi-polar last year. After many talks and counseling, I am beginning to wonder if one of the meds he was put on contributed to his lack of judgment. We'll never know.

I do know that his meds have been changed twice since then and he is just now seeming to be the H I once knew....

I hope your WH was put on the correct meds and that this will help him to begin thinking more clearly. He HAS TO KNOW deep down that it has been YOU that has helped him through all this and who has been his ROCK....

SoDisappointed,

H has just started counseling a month ago. He's only been twice, but felt good about going, and knows he's pretty screwed up and needs it. He's also been on Lexapro for Depression/anxiety disorder for three weeks now. He says he can feel a difference, as far as seeing things more clearly, but wants the Dr. to bump up the dosage a tad, as he can now feel his body adjusting to it.

I'm just afraid that H feels he's made such a mess of his life (family, job, finances, etc...), that it would just be easier to "run away" with OW, rather than to grow up, take responsibility for his actions, and help me repair our M. His therapist has reminded him that he is not a "special case." Everything that is going on in his life right now is fixable. I guess he just needs to decide how he's going to go about fixing it, and when.

I now it hasn't been very long, since he's been on the meds and in therapy. But the A has been going on for 6 months now, and sometimes I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope. How long did it take for your H to feel any relief, or get any guidance, from the meds and counseling?

Thank you for your response.
MOP

Hi Mother of Pearl

Let me first say how sorry I am..if I came across too harsh; that was not my intention...I just didn't want you to fool yourself. At a time like this..we hurt so much..I know. I have no regrets... my only regret is that I didn't handle it differently. Not saying that you shouldn't try...but I know that with my situation..things didn't change until I changed. Until I started valuing with myself.

And despite other members negative inpute here, I did read lots of the MB policy...but not one rule fits all....I am saying set up some self protection for yourself.
I really hope that is all it is..that your H is in a fog. If this is out of character for your H then I would fight for the marriage too...
Anyways, I leave you with this..I don't want to say anything further..I guess I am one in a few... I don't believe that one should sacrifice...ones dignity, pride and self worth.

Please don't mistake my advice as me telling you what to do... your the only one that can decide that..I believe I did express that in my previous posting.

I wish you..your little one..and family the very best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mother of Pearl:
<strong>

Yeah, I think I'll be emailing SIL today. I know she's so hurt by her brother, and that she misses the person he used to be, but H associates me with her, and feels I'm just as guilty. I need him to trust me more than anything, and until she started this stuff (which I have to admit I can't blame her for), I know I had his trust. He told me before, that even though he was so confused in this mess, he does know that I'm trustworthy and that I love him. I can't allow her to mess that up for me.

Thanks,
MOP</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MOP,

But you haven't done anything to destroy his trust, so you can't repair something you have no control over. His altercation with SIL is a natural consequence of his bad behavior and nothing you can control. You shouldn't be trying to protect him from the consequences of his behavior. That will only enable his affair.

His sister has every right to be disgusted at his disgusting behavior and that is something he will have to deal with. I don't think you should try and control your SIL in order to accommodate your H's irrational blameshifting.

Remember, Plan A does not mean protecting them from the consequences of their affair, but in ceasing all lovebusters on *your* own part. If he wants to blame you for the actions of others, there is nothing you can do about that, especially if you tolerate it.